[Aftertherain]

Hey there,
I’ve been reading this forum for years because it seems to comfort me to feel some kind of connection to others like myself.I have only posted once. I remember you from awhile back and have recently updated on your journal. I don’t have any new brilliant ideas to spin for you but I want you to know that you are not alone. My heart aches as I read your words and I can remember with fresh vivid pain where you are at right now. I have also been in that place…..more times than I care to remember. I have been clean for over a year now but I am also aware that I will always be vulnerable.I will always need to be vigilant. I will always need to care for myself in ways that support a strong healthy life and to make sure I have a “Plan B” when all hell breaks loose! We will probably always be challenged to some extent with this demon. You’re right, money is not what is most important. It is you that is most important! We may relapse and continue the struggle but we can eventually free ourselves to the extent that we can enjoy our lives. Even if we always have to keep one eye on the darkness we can also focus on the light. We can focus on what we are good at, what we enjoy, who we love. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Let the tears come and then you will sleep.

[Aftertherain]

I appreciate your kind words of support.

[Aftertherain]

Thank you for your message Steev. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I have been in counseling as well as groups. I have educated myself by watching programs and reading numerous books on the subject. I have talked to family and even asked for help with controlling my finances. I have followed peoples journals on this forum for inspiration including yours for a couple years. I know that I need to make changes but I just don’t know what to do any more. I think that a complete break from everything like rehab may help but I’m so afraid of not being there for my child. She’s an adult now but still a little one and would not understand where Mama went. I don’t want to wait until change is forced upon me as it will be if I can’t get myself together. I feel everything unravelling more and more each day. I want to create positive change for myself but I can’t seem to think clearly any more. I’m so sick of myself and this vicious circle.

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