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Hi Sol,
Have you told your wife about these urges? Maybe she could help you to not give in to them by doing something with the money in your bank account. Pull it all out, something .. Does she understand the consequences if you get your hands on it?
Try to remember that sick feeling you experienced the last time you lost it all. Follow the gamble all the way through to the end – not just to the win. Your addiction is really working on you, trying to convince you that you could win enough to pay your bills – it’s classic distorted addictive thinking – and you know that you don’t ever really win anything when you gamble – you just keep digging.
So, like Charles said, put the shovel down Sol – PUT IT DOWN.
There is no quick fix for this – but it is fixable. Focus on what barriers you’re going to put in place so you can begin to do just that!
Keep posting Sol …
Adele
Hi Sirena,
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
I have been following your thread with great interest and I hope your ‘rewiring’ is going well.
How is the culinary therapy / exploration going? Maybe you could share your favorite recipe – I love to ****!
Looking forward to your posts …
Adele
Hi Pink,
Of course you didn’t ask for this life! Who would? But we love them (our CGs) don’t we?
When I’m sick, sick, sick of the rollercoaster, I go back and read my whole thread again. It buoys me up and reminds me of where I’m going.
Just don’t give up on yourself Pink. Remember – that’s what this is all about – taking care of you.
Read that #9 again on your list …
You’re doing great! Velvet is right – you are feisty, and you can get through this.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele on writing Chasing PavementsHi Jen,
I only have a few minutes so please excuse the “short and sweet”.
First, let me ****** you – you are not alone. Yes we (F&Fs) know the awful emotions you speak of. I’m sure you have been reading some of the stories here. The cross addiction type behavior you speak of is apparently not uncommon. Just off the top of my head – Madge’s thread speaks to that…
Keep reading! You will learn how each of us has dealt with this addiction in our own ways, yet with the same running theme for the most part – which is to take care of ourselves.
CGs can change – but we can’t make them change. We can only change ourselves in order to step out of the wreckage the CG will have to deal with if they do change. In focusing on our own recovery, we remove the addiction from our lives and begin to live again. I promise, it can happen.
I will try to post more later – but seriously … keep reading here. You will begin to see what it means to “take care of yourself”. You are already seeing that you need to take care of yourself financially – and you absolutely do.
I am not an attorney, and I don’t live in Michigan, but here is a site for you to begin exploring the idea of filing for ‘Separate Maintenance’ in your state possibly on your own.
http://www.ehow.com/how_6339737_file-legal-separation-michigan.html
If you know of an appropriate attorney, or can have one recommended, most will give you a free consultation. You can explain your circumstances and concerns (and be completely honest) and what you would like to achieve. They can at least give you an idea of what your options are and the expense you can expect should you decide to go down that road.
Keep educating yourself Jen – and try to focus on your own recovery. You are stronger than you may believe right now and you will get through this.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele on writing Chasing PavementsHi Shelly – The people on the gambling hotlines should know how to make him comfortable enough to get him to start talking. My husband finally got in to a chat group here last weekend – (actually, at first he sat next to me while I chatted in Community) then he registered and went in to the CG group by himself. He joined in on several today again, and I’m hopeful he will continue to do so. The Live Advice Helpline here is one on one, and I think your husband would get somewhat comfortable with it fairly quickly. Many ***** the facilitators are CGs in recovery so they have been where our CGs are, and I think this is tremendously helpful! He just ***** to get over the apprehension of the first time …
Hope this helps…
AdeleDear BD ….. Your gifts were sweet and thoughtful – not pathetic in any way! – and I am sure they were appreciated more than you realize…. I can only imagine that what you are feeling must be normal for someone adjusting to life after rehab – which certainly doesn’t make it any easier to experience I’m sure….. I so wish I knew the right words to say… Of course I don’t, but I want you to “hear” someone say that your beautiful family could not possibly be happy if you were to die. You have so much to look forward to living gamble free! Life is never perfect for anyone, but you can get through this “imperfect” moment and go on to make good memories for you and your family. Do you have a sponsor or someone you can call at ***** like this? You’ve come so far … hang in there….. Adele
Hi Sol,
It was nice to “meet” you in the Community Group this morning.
Having just read your first post I can see that you are an intelligent, articulate, kind and loving husband and father who is obviously in a great deal of pain. While you did not ask for this addiction (who would?!), you are asking for help, and that is such a positive step in the right direction.
In group, you seemed to be asking how to prevent yourself from having access to money, and I think you were struggling with the idea of giving up control of your finances … is that right? (I don’t think I am sharing anything you said in group that you wouldn’t say here on your thread. Just say so if I am and I will delete this post.)
I told you about a few things my CG (husband) and I have done in that regard, and I would be happy to tell you of other deterrents and barriers we have put in place when and if you want to hear about them. All you have to do is ask – here or on my thread, either one!
Just writing that first post I know was extremely difficult for you. But I think Sirena may have hit on something important about your social discomfort. I would imagine that, once you started writing your story the thoughts and words began spilling out and it must have felt somewhat therapeutic when you were done. Did you feel some relief, or something else that made you glad you told your story? If so, imagine that you were able to overcome your discomfort and started going to GA meetings. Is it possible that in time you might also be glad you did?
You have a lot of good reasons to beat this addiction, but of course you must do the work yourself for yourself.
Your wife will also have good reasons to support you properly, without enabling you, in your recovery – but she must first begin to learn about this addiction, just as you are doing, in order to know how to do that. She can come to this site for the knowledge she will need, and she will find Friends and Family (like me) who are affected by compulsive gambling who will listen and understand her concerns.
Neither of you need go thru this alone …
I wish you and your family all the best.
Adele
— 9/7/2013 2:33:33 AM: post edited by adele.
Hi BD,
It is good to see someone new coming from rehab with such a positive attitude and determination to stay in recovery! You give me hope that my husband can recover someday and “come home to me”. I’m sure your wife and family are very proud for you and happy to have you home.
To edit your posts in the forums, just click on the little yellow icon in the left column by the date.
If you want paragraphs you can write your post in a word processor then copy and paste it in the post box on the forum. I’m using Notes on my iPad double spacing between paragraphs which doesn’t always work… lol
When you go to paste your post, you will get 3 pop ups:
Click “Allow” in the first one,
Click “Cancel” in the second one (don’t let it clean up the text),
Click “Allow” again in the third one.This is the only way I’ve found to get nice neat posts … hope it works for you.
I’m wishing you the best in your recovery.
Adele
oops, posted twice– 9/3/2013 6:05:57 PM: post edited by adele.
— 9/7/2013 2:31:31 AM: post edited by adele.
Shelly,
I have brought two threads to the top of this forum that I think will be helpful to you – they were for me and still are. One is the ‘The F&F Cycle’ and the other is ‘How do you react when they gamble?’.
I hope you will read your thread over and over. A lot has been said to you that may not sink in or make sense the first time you read it, but you most likely will glean something new from subsequent readings. Kathryn’s perspective as a CG in recovery is priceless and I am so glad she posted here for you.
I want to share something now that Velvet said in her first post to me on my thread. When I first read it I was disappointed and skeptical and could not imagine even considering the words for my situation and where my state of mind was at the time. However, it was not until I accepted their credence that I began to heal and was able open my mind and start implementing real coping skills in dealing with my husband’s addiction. I hope you will thoughtfully consider these words for yourself:
“I don’t know whether you know the words of ‘Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow’ but I hope they help."
"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension "
"One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Al the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot ***** a single word we said. Yesterday is gone."
"The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control."
"Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn."
"This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME."
Adele
— 9/2/2013 3:10:43 AM: post edited by adele.