[adele]

Quantas outras coisas úteis como esta estão disponíveis sobre as quais ainda não fomos informados? Nós realmente precisamos de Guias do Usuário práticos que explicam as coisas, em vez dos vídeos do You Tube que mal mostram a mecânica. Acho que até então vou continuar fazendo perguntas.

[adele]

How many other useful things like this are available that we haven’t been told about yet? We really need practical User Guides that explain things rather than the You Tube videos that barely show the mechanics. I guess until then I’ll just keep asking questions.

[adele]

Hi All,

I have not posted in awhile, and neither has anyone else. What’s up with us F&Fs?!

So now it’s hard to post for some reason … out of practice I guess. I could kick myself for not posting. It always helps me to keep things somewhat sorted in my head, and the encouragement and input from all of you is sometimes the best thing that happens to me in a day.

I log on here 3 or 4 times a day to see if anyone else is posting because I genuinely care about your recovery journeys – and I figure most of you feel like I do about posting on this site. I (we?) have a long way to go in my recovery, and I know I need this site for support – and to grow and learn by supporting others.

So anyway, since I posted about my husband’s wreck, he has been home on medical leave (at my request) due to a compression fracture in one of his lumbar vertebrae. Not much can be done about it. It will take 3 months to heal with rest, taking it easy and no heavy lifting. I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I asked if it would be better if my husband didn’t go back to work just yet. The doctor agreed, so he is not released to work until his next appointment on November 6th.

I have to believe all this has happened for a reason … a real chance for my husband to break free of this addiction. I didn’t have to text HIM that day from the doctor’s office. My sister would have come and stayed with me, or my best friend… but I texted HIM.

Part of me wanted to know if he cared enough to come home … if he would come rushing to my side in time of need. To be honest, I think I actually wanted to be sick enough to scare the crap out of him – and thought that would somehow make him suddenly realize how important I am to him; that he didn’t want to continue to destroy our marriage. I feel somewhat guilty about his wreck and for asking him to come home, but even that emotion is stifled by the addiction.

Such irrational, selfish thinking in my little pity party – I know better. I’ve just been getting impatient wanting things to change – wanting HIM to change.

Anyway, I told him I feel like this is our best and possibly only opportunity to get this thing turned around, and he seems to feel the same way, just not as intensely as I do – as usual.

We’ve talked and realize that we both want our marriage to survive and to do that he has to get a job here, and we have to get some counseling. He, of course needs therapy for his CG addiction, I need counseling for a host of issues, and WE need couples counseling to see if there is a marriage to save. Our first appointment is in the morning. I will be praying tonight that the counselor is right for us.

What a mess we are! It’s so strange to have all this rumbling underneath the surface, and yet we go out with friends, visit with family, go shopping … sometimes I just shake my head.

I am hoping for the best tomorrow but trying not to expect too much.

Hope to see some of your posts soon.

Adele

[adele]

Dear Madge,

Thank you for your concern and for posting here. I am feeling much better now, physically and emotionally thankfully.

I think your term “empathy fatigue” is fitting. After being guarded with my feelings for my husband for so long, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of emotional stuff left…

I have been following your thread with interest, empathy and sympathy since you first began posting here. Your situation is so complex – I think I have felt inept to respond with anything that would have been helpful. I am so glad you have gotten such great replies from others.

You have done exceptionally well in making yourself aware of your husband’s gambling addiction in addition to his other issues – all the while maintaining a level of normalcy for your children. This is no small feat Madge – you may not feel it, but you have shown tremendous strength in all that you have been through.

We have had some interesting and unexpected interventions (you dropping the decoration on your foot and my husband’s rollover) that put a twist in both our recoveries and our CG’s recoveries haven’t we? I am interested in hearing how things are going with you since you (I assume) have been back on your feet.

I hope you will post soon and continue to explore and share your experiences here. It makes such a difference for me when I post regularly.

Adele

[adele]

Sirena,

I greatly appreciate your kind and encouraging words, and thank you for the good thoughts – I’ve needed them lately. My health is improving thanks to really good drugs and lots of rest. So now I just need to find ways to regain my energy because I’m going to need it.

Your posts always make me think, and send me googling many times, lol. I think some of your posts are missing from your thread because I was looking for one in particular where I believe you mentioned the UCLA Gambling Studies Program (which I have used a great deal) and you were researching a theory about the addiction and how it affected the brain. Do you still have that post?

I have found a few of mine missing, so I have copied and pasted them back into my thread. It is possible to insert them in the right place chronologically by clicking on the Reply button on the post just before the post you are trying to repost. (that sounds pretty confusing – hope you are able to make sense of it!)

Anyway, thanks for posting here, and I hope you will continue to post your thoughts and experiences as you proceed through your recovery. It is tremendously helpful to me and many others I’m sure, and I think it can’t help but be beneficial to you too.

Hope to see you on here soon,

Adele

[adele]

First I must apologize that I have not been supportive of others on this site lately. I have been reading though, and I see many of you – like me – struggling, and I am so sorry for that. I simply haven’t had the heart (or the time) to post. I’m going to get back in gear soon I’m sure. I am thinking of you all, and wishing the best for each of you as you persevere.

My sister has gone home …
My sister left late Saturday afternoon to go home after being here with me for over 2 weeks. We both cried because we have so enjoyed being together during this bittersweet time, and because we know so many of our parents’ possessions and our family home for the last 40 years are about to be sold to complete strangers. I cried too because when she went home, I was once again left alone with my painful secret – and the weight of it crashed in on me Saturday night. I laid in bed most of Sunday; exhausted from the physical labor of the last few weeks, and emotionally raw.

Another setback …
I found out Wednesday that my husband had gambled again: He went to the casino with $600 withdrawn from his account for the supposed purpose of paying on two of his gambling debts. The scenario played out the same as always with all the same nonsense that I have determined I will no longer tolerate: First I got the text notification from his bank that $600 had been withdrawn. I texted him “…What for…?” He texted back “… to pay Advancial and Pay Pal …” Then he didn’t make his usual phone call to me that evening. Then he wouldn’t respond to my text … Same old same old … blah blah blah!

Wednesday, 7/10/13 at 10:30pm – Me: “Well … you know what I’m thinking … are you where I think you are? Or have you been?” An hour later I haven’t heard back from him.
So at 11:30pm – Me again: “OK I won’t play this game with you anymore. Either text me now or don’t contact me at all until you get your shit together and I’ll just go on with my own thing again. “
Him (immediately): “OK I screwed up again”
Me: “How much?”
Him: “$600”
Me: “So you didn’t pay your Advancial or Paypal?”
Him: “ No”
Me: “I don’t know what to say right now … Get some help D … before you lose everything.”
Him: “Hopefully Derek [the counselor] will call and I can get an appointment”
Me: “OK, well I think I’m done for awhile – I have too much going on right now and I’m going to try very hard not to let this shut me down .. I hope you get things worked out soon.”
Him: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “Stop being sorry and pitiful and just decide once and for all if you want to gamble or be married to me. I want to go on with my life one way or the other.”
Him: “I will.”

On Friday, (7/12) I sent him this email – which he has not responded to …

“ I don’t want you to think I have given up. I am, of course, so very disappointed that you went to the casino Wednesday night – but part of me knew when you took that $600 out and told me it was to pay your Advancial and Pay Pal accounts, it would never be used to pay on your gambling debts. But I did have hope that just maybe you would make the right decision.

It was a big step backwards from what I have been trying hard to believe has been a lot of forward motion – i.e. you not going to the casino, and leaving the money alone in your USAA account to have for paying your gambling debts. I would have been more hopeful if you had managed to make arrangements with the counselor sooner (I know you could have put more effort into that so don’t make excuses ok?), but those things were enough to keep me somewhat at peace.

But now, you have given a big chunk of your money back to the casino that you needed to pay your debts – and on top of that you have removed my number and email address from your USAA account. These are just more steps backwards and confirming to me that, despite my optimism (or naivety), you are continuing to choose your addiction over your life with me.

Now I am left wondering if you ever intended to pay Advancial and Pay Pal, or if you had been thinking about it and planning all day to pull the money out and go to the casino.

My resolve stands D: As long as we are together and married – I will not provide money to pay your debts until you are actively getting help and have stopped gambling. You will have to deal with the creditors hounding you, and whatever else comes with that. “
I haven’t texted or heard from him since Wednesday night.

I don’t know what happened with him: He’s been managing his gambling fairly well (small amounts on his phone), he’s left the money in his account alone and he’s seemed to have been a little more open and honest with me these last few weeks. He came home Wednesday night and worked hard with us all weekend. He seemed so positive that things were getting straightened out here, and that HE was going to get straightened out (I think you misunderstood that in my last post V). I am just flabbergasted that 2 days later he falls right back into sneaking around, lying, secrets, ignoring me, blah blah blah! I see by his emails that since Wednesday, his online gambling and porn site surfing has escalated – which I have come to expect by now.

AHHHHHH!!!! How much longer can I do this?!?! I regard my commitment to this marriage as a sacred vow – but I am surely being tested ….

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray for the serenity to know and truly accept in my mind and heart that I alone can never rid my beloved of the horrid, soul wrenching obsession to gamble, and I pray you grant him the same clarity.
Lord, please give me the strength and courage I need to continue finding ways to cope with the painful wreckage of his addiction, and to love and support him without losing my own heart and soul to this wretched beast.
And finally, should the time come that all is done that can be done, and I have exhausted every avenue and made every effort to save my marriage and to help my husband save himself … I beg your forgiveness … but please, oh please Lord, grant me the wisdom and your blessed assurance to know it is so and release my heart from this burden.
Amen

[adele]

Velvet – you are so right –the weekend scenario did not happen at all as I thought.
He didn’t come home.
He texted me late Friday night:
(HIM 8:30 pm) “Ok leaving location going back to yard. Will be on my way home around 10. Will have to go back Sunday afternoon.”
(ME 8:58pm) “Seems awfully late to be heading this way.”
(HIM 9:11pm) “I am awfully tired, but don’t want you thinking that instead of going home I’m going somewhere else.”
(HIM AGAIN 9:23pm) “Oh yes the best reason is I miss you.”
(ME 9:58pm) “I don’t really think about where you are all the time anymore – and that helps me. Sadly, I know you are going to be wherever your addiction wants you to be.”
Apparently just as I texted this to him, he was having trouble trying to get gas with his Bluebird card and he texted me at the same time asking me to check the settings on the account, etc., so I don’t know if he saw or read my last text. I changed the permissions on his card and he was able to put gas in his personal vehicle. Then he texted:
(HIM 10:20pm) “Ok thanks. See you in a few hours.”
(ME) “I don’t think you should come in tonight.”
(HIM) “I think I can make it.”
(ME) “Stay there and get rest.”
(HIM) “Ok, I’ll try to be there around noon or 1”
The next morning …
(HIM 9:44 am) “Well, I’m still here. They had a small equipment fire in one of the blenders that is in my crew. Nobody hurt, but the finger pointing has started as to who is at fault. I am supporting my service supervisor”
(HIM AGAIN 9:59 am) “They are saying he is not watching making sure his hands are doing their jobs. So unless you need me at home for something I am going to stay and hopefully get some rest. I have pulled several 24 hour days in the last few weeks. I have very little money, so I’m not staying to go to any casinos. I do have vacation scheduled for the first week in September. Let me know if you need me to come home and I will come on in. Love you.”
(ME 10:46 am) “I am fine here. Like I said before, I can’t afford to worry about where you are all the time anymore. I have accepted the truth and the truth is that your addiction is in control of your life and your decisions.
I don’t want a relationship with an addiction so it is just as well you aren’t coming home – because I don’t know how to act around you.
I am told you won’t really hear half of what I just said, or your addiction will distort the meaning, but I needed to say it anyway.
Please take care of yourself.
I love you … the real you.”
There is a part of me (my ego) that wants to believe he really wanted to come home to me Friday night, but I didn’t want him to – so I pushed him away with my harsh words. … Did I do that???
But then I think the truth, which is so hard to see clearly sometimes, is that I wanted him here – but knew (in my heart) from his very first text he wasn’t coming home.
Maybe I am slumping back in the passenger seat, avoiding his addiction by not seeing or talking to him. It has been 4 weeks today and I think the silence has served its purpose – at least for me.
I think what you say is true Jenny – right or wrong, the choices I’ve made were right for me at the time. And V, I realize it is also true that I can’t undo what I know; that l have forever changed and will never unwittingly be taken down by this addiction.
So … I have been sitting here twisting my hair and staring at the words “You are ready for this Adele. You are as ready as any of us would ever be at the stage you are at.” I have no idea if this is true or not V, but I do think it is time to try something different – right or wrong.
I know my husband has put in for vacation the first week of September because our 25th wedding anniversary is the 3rd. This is not where I want us to be on our Silver Anniversary. Rather suddenly I have decided (or maybe I am having a weak moment – who cares?) that I still love this man very much and I want us to find some way to celebrate the milestone and the many good years we’ve had together. I need a little kindle for that fire …
I will need to work it out in my head, but I think I may be “spontaneous” and call him to test the waters. He certainly won’t be expecting this …
Thank you all for listening once again.
Hopeful as ever,
Adele

[adele]

Hello Sirena,
You have written an incredibly brave post and your words have moved me tremendously.
It must have taken an enormous amount of courage to walk in to your boss’ office that day. You painted a very clear picture of your anguish and described it as the bottom for you. To me, I think it was a moment to be extremely proud of.
But then I am not a compulsive gambler – my husband is (not yet in recovery), so I am not necessarily able to relate to the emotional and psychological aspects of your addiction. I can only offer you encouragement to continue working hard on your recovery, and I can wish you my sincere and heartfelt best wishes for your journey.
You have made so many very wise and informed decisions already, and you are extraordinarily introspective. I believe your boss is absolutely right in his assessment of you and in his faith that you will beat this thing.
I think it is good that you recognize you cannot provide your boyfriend with the help he needs while you are just beginning to get the help you need. Perhaps he has backed off because he does understand on some level – or intuitively recognizes your need to do this work without distraction. Of course I don’t know, but I do know the addiction can distort your perception so I offer another.
I tend to go on and on in my posts, and I really have no business doing that here on your thread. Others will post soon who can better understand what you’ve been through and what may be ahead for you. I hope Velvet will share her thoughts with you about the separate paths of CGs (compulsive gamblers) and non-CGs (friends and family of CGs).
In your moments of heaviness I hope you will come here for support and understanding – perhaps to one of the live groups – or call a sponsor or friend. You need not go through this alone.
Keep holding those good thoughts dear and close – I feel certain your ideals will resurface.
You have an amazing gift in expressing yourself with words and I am enlightened by your experiences. I look forward to reading your thread.
Adele

[adele]

나는 (이것에 대한 응답을 보지 못했기 때문에) 탐색을 개선할 수 있는지 궁금합니다. 예를 들면: 1) 페이지 진행 버튼(이전 1 2 3 다음 마지막)이 맨 아래에 있는 것 외에도 스레드의 맨 위에 있으면 좋을 것입니다. 2) 하단의 버튼 그룹에 "내 저널로 돌아가기"라고 표시된 추가 버튼이 있으면 좋을 것입니다. 스레드를 읽고 있는 포럼이나 지금 바로 클릭해야 합니다. 브라우저의 뒤로 화살표를 누르거나 맨 위로 스크롤하여 포럼을 다시 클릭합니다. 고마워, 아델

[adele]

Eu estava pensando (já que não vi uma resposta para isso), a navegação pode ser melhorada? Por exemplo: 1) Seria bom ter os botões de avanço de página (anterior 1 2 3 próximo último) na parte superior do tópico, além de estar na parte inferior. 2) E seria bom se houvesse um botão adicional nesse grupo de botões na parte inferior (e no topo, espero) que dissesse "Voltar ao Meu Diário" ou em qualquer fórum em que estamos lendo tópicos. Agora temos que clicar seta para trás de nosso navegador ou role para cima e clique em Fóruns novamente. Obrigada Adele

[adele]

I was just wondering (since I haven’t seen a response to this), can the navigation be improved?
For instance:
1) It would be nice to have the page advance buttons (previous 1 2 3 next last) at the TOP of the thread in addition to being at the bottom.
2) And it would be nice if there was an additional button in that group of buttons at the bottom (and top hopefully) that said “Back to My Journal” or whatever forum we’re reading threads in. Right now we have to click our browser’s back arrow, or scroll up to the top and click on Forums again.
Thanks,
Adele

[adele]

I want to wish you well in your new endeavor , and to thank you so much for your support in groups. You will be missed!
Adele

[adele]

“Sorrow makes us all children again — destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Kathryn,

Alzheimer’s is a wretched disease – and the loved ones of its victims always seem to face the harder challenges. I can hear the stress and worry this has brought to you and your family.

Grief, for you, causes fear and uncertainty and that is completely understandable. Perhaps it is something different for your sister… everyone lives their sorrows differently. As Vera said, we mustn’t be afraid to grieve – and shared grief can bring hearts closer.

I know you know ignoring this is not going to make anything better, and it’s not going to make it go away. You are no stranger to adversity. I’ve read how you came face to face with your addiction – and now you deal with it brilliantly every day.

I truly believe you can also face your Mother’s illness and deal with it in much the same way. With knowledge and support you will know what to do.

Here is a number for the Alzheimer’s Association Helpline (at ALZ.org) – it is manned 24/7 and you can speak to someone immediately. While they may not be able to provide you with all of their services, the site is a wealth of information and they can direct you to resources available where you live.

1.800.272.3900

There is also an Alzheimer’s Disease online support site similar to GT. Their message boards are filled with people affected by AD who will understand everything you are feeling right now and can offer you (and your sisters) support and advice. Its web address is:

ALZconnected.org.

I’m sure you can find many other resources on the internet, but this is a start and I hope it helps. Of course you know your friends will always be here on this site when you need them.

Wishing you strength and comfort,

Adele

[adele]

Vera,

I have started a reply to your post here, but I’m going to put it on my thread because I know you are reading there. It got longer and longer (imagine that), and I have an appointment, so I decided to finish it later and post this short note to you right quick in hopes you find it.

The only things I can think of that would prevent you being able to post on my thread (or anyone else’s) would be

1) you weren’t logged in at the time or
2) you didn’t click on “save” after typing in the Comment box.

I hope this helps!

Adele

[adele]

Hi Vera,

I haven’t seen any posts (or attempted posts either) from you in a few days. I hope you haven’t given up. I did get a post from you on my thread the other day!

So, the emails you are getting are automatically generated by the site. There are settings in our Profiles where we can choose to allow GT to notify us by email (automatically) when someone has responded to a comment we made, etc… (or disallow if you don’t want the emails). I’m not exactly sure how it works yet, but I like it! GT would never give your email address to anyone without your explicit permission.

Try posting on your thread again. All you have to do now is just go to end of the page and start typing in the “Add New Comment” box. Then be sure to click on “save” at the bottom of the box.

Hope to see you back soon!

Adele

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