[adele]

THAT’S where I saw it! In MyProfile. Thanks Harry!

[adele]

Dear Sirena,

I think my husband has experienced the scenario you describe any number of times – unfortunately he has long conversations in his head …

I would imagine a fresh start holds a great deal of appeal for you right now. Even with your resolve, resourcefulness and your “champions”, it must be very difficult, after 15 years, to continue working in an environment where not only you are ‘awake’ now, but those around you are awake – and aware. I have absolutely no doubt you possess the grit to do this (I still cannot imagine the courage you’ve shown), and perhaps it provides a sense of accountability important in your early recovery, but in some way it must, at times, feel a bit like self-inflicted punishment.

As I have been told, read, and needed reminding many times, recovery is a process, not an event: Complacency is the addictions’ advocate for a slip or total relapse. And I think procrastination can only lead directly to complacency – especially in the possibly deceiving ‘comfort’ of early recovery. I hope you will call one of those recommended counselors soon – I’m sure you know better than anyone you still have a long way to go.

Thanks so much for sharing an outline of your processes beginning recovery – and for the references. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought to turn to Psychology Today! I found the articles discussing the theory of disease (or not) especially interesting … remembering that one of the comments my husband said to me when we first started talking about his problem was “I wish I’d never heard this referred to as a damn disease – it makes me feel like I can’t be cured.” A little further in to his recovery I’d like to discuss the argument with him and see what his opinion is then.

Sirena, I remember reading you were no longer with your boyfriend (and I’m sorry to hear that), but I don’t remember if you’ve said you have family support there close to you. Family usually (not always of course) knows something about our troubles, and that can be comforting in times of vulnerability. Do you have someone that knows about your ‘broken places’?

From everything I have read you are reconnecting with your inner self and beginning to reclaim your aspirations. You have made tremendous progress toward your goal and I truly appreciate you sharing the journey here.

Post when you have time my friend …

Adele

[adele]

Hey NoMore –

Good to hear from you. The moon was beautiful that night! We left my mom’s house just after dark so we saw it when it was still big and looming in the sky – harvest moon – just gorgeous.

I think you’re right that he needs to get his addiction issues addressed before we can really delve in to our relationship issues. He has gone by himself today, and I am going to begin seeing the same therapist alone too, as I have issues of my own. Unfortunately there are no gambling addiction specific therapists in this area since there are no casinos within 300 miles. Sadly, I suspect there is a need – just no awareness.

Hopefully this will be a start. He will be home for another few weeks and will be seeing her 2 times each week.

Once again I am hopeful. He says he has not had the urge to gamble in a good while since being home with me and away from the temptation. And we are more relaxed with each other and enjoying a few simple pleasures.

Thanks for sharing and for your encouragement! Take care…

Adele

[adele]

Hey Sirena,

I have some pretty strong, hurt feelings about everyone’s lost posts, so I’d better not get started about that here … he he

I did repost (back on your thread) one of my lengthier posts to you that I had saved in my Word documents. I clicked on the reply button of the post dated the closest to the date I first wrote it and inserted it there I think.

It sounds like you are still working after all, and I assume this is a good thing. I suspected from your initial posts you were in a position that could cause hardship for everyone concerned for you to leave on such short notice. I hope it is all good news and good reason that you are working.

Yes, I would very much like to know more about your process – in your counseling and your thinking. I am genuinely interested in your recovery for one thing, and, admittedly, I have everything to gain from your knowledge, resources and experiences since my husband and I have just entered in to counseling. But as much as anything I find your writing completely engrossing, so I hope it is therapeutic for you!

It is good to hear from you and I hope things are going well for you.

Adele

[adele]

Dear San,

Thank you, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience in counseling! I feel less fearful, or less reluctant, or something … I’m not sure. I just know I could not articulate what I wanted to get out of our counseling (other than of course for my husband to get control of his addiction) because I had not one clue of what to expect from it.

We’ve been making spaghetti for 25 years too. His problem gambling is just the latest and most damaging issue to date, and probably, in part, a result of all the other unresolved issues over the years.

What you said about becoming separate people first … I was shaking my head up and down as I read that. I think that’s what has been happening with me since coming to this site. I’m beginning to see things differently, and see myself differently (albeit ever so slowly), even thinking of myself as single at times. And I don’t think my husband knows who he is any more. So I truly hope this is the beginning of his recovery and finding himself again.

Having read your post, I know I will need to really let myself be open to this counselor, and, as V says, “push things around” that she says in order to start unraveling the spaghetti …

I also appreciate your idea about going to the sessions separately. Based on our one experience Monday, I can see how that would be beneficial. There was a brief awkward silence at first when we got back in the truck – then there was this awkward, forced conversation … neither contributed anything positive to the experience.

I’m actually kind of looking forward to tomorrow’s session with her. Thanks again for sharing San and thanks for your well wishes. I hope to hear something good and positive from you on your thread soon.

Adele

[adele]

Hi Vera,

Your kind thoughts and especially your prayers for me are very much appreciated.

The counseling session started with filling out lots of paper work. Then we spent about an hour with the therapist. She has her doctorate and is trained and experienced in addiction counseling in general, but not specifically in gambling addiction. She also does PTSD, couples and kids counseling. In fact, I was impressed that she received a special medal from the Army for her work with the soldiers the movie Black Hawk Down was based on.

This first session was lots of Q&A: All the basics – age, where we were born, siblings, etc. – then more personal things – questions about drug and alcohol use, abuse, temperament, thoughts of suicide, and physical, mental or emotional issues. She did ask my husband about what kind of gambler he was, and how much we thought he had gambled since it became a problem – his estimate was half what mine was. When she asked what he wanted to get out of counseling, his answer was to get our marriage back on track and maybe even better than before. Interesting ….

It was awkward for both of us – I became a little emotional, he was mostly stoic as is his way. He is never one to show emotion. But he is trying to be very open to this, and genuinely seems to want to make a change. I think his mind is still muddled though … he can’t seem to think clearly or think things through – at least in my perception. Of course I can’t remember past the end of my nose most of the time either, so what do I know?

Towards the end she asked that we hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes … eeesh. My husband (bless his heart) took my hands and began staring at me, but it freaked me out a little (lol), and I told her I was not ready for anything like that just yet.

She asked that we give her at least 3 sessions (she must have sensed my skepticism), and almost as an afterthought (I asked if there was something we could work on until the next session), she asked us to write down the things that first attracted us to the other … said it would be important for us to reconnect. I thought this was lame until I started doing it … She also asked my husband to write down what things made him want to gamble (I think, I can’t remember for sure now – this was right after the gazing thing).

Anyway, we have an awful lot to work on – his compulsive gambling, our indifferent marriage, individual issues … We are both therapy virgins, but we are both open to this (possibly him more than me to my surprise), and hoping for some solutions.

We go back on Friday, scheduled 3 appointments for next week, and 2 the week after trying to get as many in as possible before he goes back to work next month.

Vera, I wish we had gone to marriage counseling a long time ago. Our marriage has been troubled over the years but never anything like what yours sounds like. I’m so sorry that your relationship with your husband is so combative and non-supportive. I hope it isn’t always like that and the two of you share some good times together too. You deserve to be happy Vera – you really do.

Thanks for reading and caring.

Adele

[adele]

Thanks for this V –

I’ll be in the fluffy oversized chair with the ottoman tomorrow – coffee in hand!

I hope everyone will do this, especially if they’re having trouble getting in to the Chat Groups.

If you don’t know how to check or change your profile :

1) Click on the big purple “gambling therapy” at the top of the page
2) Click on “My Profile” on the right between “Support Us” and “Log Out”
3) Click on “Edit Profile” on the left between “Forums” and “Logout”
4) Check to see if your time zone is set correctly by choosing your country and a city that reflects your current time
5) Check to make sure you have selected either “Compulsive Gambler” or “Friend or Family”
6) DON’T FORGET TO SAVE WHEN YOU’RE DONE! The “Save” button is at the bottom of the Edit Page.

You can also add a bit of information about yourself here if you’d like. I’m not sure if other members can see it when they click on your user name or not … I hope so.

I hope to meet more of you in Groups … the warm, comforting room Velvet has described is there for us all.

Adele

[adele]

Thank you Sirena!

Permalink Submitted by adele on Sun, 10/13/2013 – 01:05

Sirena,

I greatly appreciate your kind and encouraging words, and thank you for the good thoughts – I’ve needed them lately. My health is improving thanks to really good drugs and lots of rest. So now I just need to find ways to regain my energy because I’m going to need it.

Your posts always make me think, and send me googling many times, lol. I think some of your posts are missing from your thread because I was looking for one in particular where I believe you mentioned the UCLA Gambling Studies Program (which I have used a great deal) and you were researching a theory about the addiction and how it affected the brain. Do you still have that post?

I have found a few of mine missing, so I have copied and pasted them back into my thread. It is possible to insert them in the right place chronologically by clicking on the Reply button on the post just before the post you are trying to repost. (that sounds pretty confusing – hope you are able to make sense of it!)

Anyway, thanks for posting here, and I hope you will continue to post your thoughts and experiences as you proceed through your recovery. It is tremendously helpful to me and many others I’m sure, and I think it can’t help but be beneficial to you too.

Hope to see you on here soon,

Adele

[adele]

Thank you Madge

Permalink Submitted by adele on Sun, 10/13/2013 – 20:23

Dear Madge,

Thank you for your concern and for posting here. I am feeling much better now, physically and emotionally thankfully.

I think your term “empathy fatigue” is fitting. After being guarded with my feelings for my husband for so long, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of emotional stuff left…

I have been following your thread with interest, empathy and sympathy since you first began posting here. Your situation is so complex – I think I have felt inept to respond with anything that would have been helpful. I am so glad you have gotten such great replies from others.

You have done exceptionally well in making yourself aware of your husband’s gambling addiction in addition to his other issues – all the while maintaining a level of normalcy for your children. This is no small feat Madge – you may not feel it, but you have shown tremendous strength in all that you have been through.

We have had some interesting and unexpected interventions (you dropping the decoration on your foot and my husband’s rollover) that put a twist in both our recoveries and our CG’s recoveries haven’t we? I am interested in hearing how things are going with you since you (I assume) have been back on your feet.

I hope you will post soon and continue to explore and share your experiences here. It makes such a difference for me when I post regularly.

Adele

[adele]

Hi Shelly,

It is so difficult to examine our feelings when we are in the throes of our cg’s addiction. Our emotions are all over the place – reacting to this, worrying about that, expecting one thing and being disappointed in what we get instead.

I think the most difficult thing for me to accept is that I cannot say or do anything that will make him want do whatever it takes to stop gambling and save our marriage. I’ve been married many years too so it would be difficult to walk away, but that’s what it will come down to in the end for me – gambling or marriage because I refuse to live with this addiction in my life.

I have a long way to go yet, but some time back, it finally began to sink in what everyone meant in saying “take care of yourself”. And when I began doing that – thinking more about ME and what I feel, and what I want and what I don’t want – instead of constantly allowing my husband’s gambling addiction to monopolize my thoughts, I began to change. I began to feel stronger and more able to stand up against his addiction. And he began to notice a difference in me.

This is a long, hard, painful and exhausting journey Shelly and I don’t think anyone here would tell you different … but you know by now you are not alone. What you may not know yet is that you can get through this by TAKING CARE OF YOU. Keep reading and posting, you’re doing well.

Adele

[adele]

Hi Vera – Hi San,

The new site is challenging, I agree, and so many members seem to have all but disappeared … makes me sad. I’m so glad you’ve hung in here Vera. And I’m pleased to see your name on the forum again San. I really hope you don’t give up on GT just yet San. I believe they’re working very hard with stretched resources … kinda like all of us. **sad smile**

I’m guessing the 15 minute thing is intended to provide continuity in the sessions so that someone doesn’t come in to a conversation that has been going on for 30 minutes – I don’t know for sure.

I’m hoping they will do away with the time limit for now, at least until more people find their way to groups. I’ve had Velvet all to myself several times now, and my husband was the only cg in the CG Group this morning.

The chat groups do run smoothly now – no lags whatsoever! And there’s an automated ‘chatbot’ that chimes in and let’s you know when there’s only 5 minutes left in the session. It’s pretty cool. I hope yall will try it if you haven’t already.

Take care ladies …

Adele

[adele]

Não estou reclamando (muito) e não pretendo insistir, mas há alguma maneira de nos informar quais problemas com o site estão sendo resolvidos e quais serão tratados no futuro?

[adele]

I’m not complaining (much) and I don’t mean to push, but is there some way to let us know what issues with the site are being addressed, and what issues will be addressed in the future?

[adele]

나는 불평하지 않고 (많이) 강요하지 않습니다. 그러나 사이트의 어떤 문제가 해결되고 있으며 앞으로 어떤 문제가 해결되는지 알려주는 방법이 있습니까?

[adele]

Quantas outras coisas úteis como esta estão disponíveis sobre as quais ainda não fomos informados? Nós realmente precisamos de Guias do Usuário práticos que explicam as coisas, em vez dos vídeos do You Tube que mal mostram a mecânica. Acho que até então vou continuar fazendo perguntas.

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