[adele]

Hi San,

I’ve been busy with company and other things, but I at least read on the site every day, and just wanted to pop in and let you know I’m thinking about you and hoping to see another Un-enabling post from you soon.

Those of us who are Mothers do understand in a way those who aren’t Mothers never could. But no one that loves a cg is going to judge you for decisions you make (right or wrong) out of love for your son.

Sometimes I think it is just too difficult to make the “right” decision – our hearts can’t take it. And sometimes, life’s complications make it too difficult to know what the “right” decision is.

For me it took lots of practice to remove “too difficult” from my thinking so I could make the “right” decision (for me) time and time again. While it has never been easy to do, it did get easier to do because I try to make decisions with my head instead of my heart – as a practice rather than in reaction. And then I look for affirmation and support here. Does that make sense? (lol)

Obviously I cannot know that I would do the same if my cg was my precious step-daughter (whom I love as my own) instead of my husband, but I’d like to think I could eventually.

I DO think I can say with near certainty that, if she were to become a cg now -having personally seen how refusing enablement has allowed my husband to begin to turn his life around (long way to go but definitely making progress) – I would be tough as nails with her. But I would also need therapy and a tremendous amount of support to deal with my emotions and guilt.

Anyway, I’m rambling and writing as I think …

I hope you are doing well, emotionally and physically.

Adele

[adele]

Dear Dear Ell,

You have just written such a powerful post!

From the first day I found this site you captured my heart, amazed me with your ability to articulate your feelings so clearly in a foreign language (to you), and you opened my eyes so many times with the way you carefully consider (and many times struggle with) the knowledge and advice given by Velvet (and others) and then extract and embrace that which you feel will move you forward in your recovery.

You are truly an inspiration to me Ell and I am so pleased with (and encouraged by) your progress for you and your family. I admire you for appreciating the positive changes in you and your husband while understanding that more time is needed to get where you want to be.

This November is shaping up to be a much happier one for me too! Sincere congratulations on your anniversary (because I’m sure, like me, you weren’t certain you would make it), and a very Happy 2nd Birthday to sweet little Baby Ell!

Adele

[adele]

Hi Kathryn,

I planned to pull your thread up the next time I sat down for my GT therapy (redundant, but that’s what I call it when I sit down to read and post for a lengthier time – which this is not, so I’m glad you posted!).

I have certainly been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing in dealing with your Mothet’s Alzheimer’s. I’m so glad you are seeking counseling and that it’s available to you. I really had no doubt you would – you are such a champion in dealing with the challenges your life has presented.

My best friend’s husband (they both are our best friends) is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and I see the stress it puts on her I’m trying to learn how to best support her in the days and weeks and years to come. Humor, as often as possible, has been the best medicne so far.

It sounds like your sweet mum may provide you a little comedy along the way (respectfully). Like so many things in life, we have a choice in our reactions. I think sometimes the best choice is to laugh.

I truly admire your strength to remain gamble free during this time Kathryn, I’m sure it can’t be easy.

I look forward to hearing more …

Adele

[adele]

Dear San,

It’s hard to hear what you’ve been dealing with every day, but it sounds like you are more aware now. I understand that calmness you’re feeling. When I first felt that way after refusing to enable (at a time I would previously have been frantic and anxious and felt I had no choice but to enable), I remember thinking “I think I’m finally getting it!”. It didn’t change the outcome of whatever the situation was, but it was so cathartic to change the way I reacted.

No matter what else, you have done well on this my friend, and I know it was hard.

Allow me to repeat something Velvet said to recently ..

“Keep those two fingers held high to the addiction; you are standing shoulder to shoulder with your son when you do it, not against him.”

Adele

[adele]

Hi Truly,
I did a search on your name and found your thread (for Tara – and me to read later) but it appears some posts are missing … 🙁
Adele

[adele]

Hi San,

It was so good to see you and Berber in the chat room Tuesday. I always feel enriched after a group session. And I agree: Sometimes I don’t absorb everything that’s said, or miss something completely, so I’ve always copied and saved my chats. I really like this new site feature where it keeps a chat log for you. I’ve been trying to make Tuesday and Thursday groups regularly, but Wednesday group is at 5am for me! (I’m kinda grumpy that early – ha) I hope more of our F&Fs start coming back around soon.

I am very impressed that you are learning French … such a beautiful language. Are you teaching yourself or using a program? I would like to learn Spanish for practical purposes because so many of our Hispanic population here do not speak English. It’s hard to imagine me with my prominent Texan accent speaking Spanish …

So… I think you absolutely, 100%, should buy that new blouse for yourself, then go strut your stuff with your sweet partner. You so deserve it San – you really do. You deserve that, and the hedgehog thing, your painting and so much more. What you don’t deserve is that 1% uncertainty. And the bookies certainly don’t deserve another cent of yours! Yes m’am YOU GO GIRL!

See you in group soon.

Adele

[adele]

Hi Janey –

You said:
‘With regards to the the un-moderated groups, would it be at all useful if we set up a section in this forum for people wishing to meet others in those groups to specify times and days they will be there so they are not “missed” by others?’

I think it would wonderful to be able to specify times for chats here … would it be necessary to be group specific? (CGs separate from F&Fs) Personally, I would like to see it available to the whole community – other’s may feel differently.

And if there was some way to set up a “I Need To Talk To Someone Now” section where someone could go and others online could be alerted that someone was there needing to chat…. I don’t know … I can see how this might pose problems, and I know nothing about programming … but you see what I mean don’t you?

Right now with so little participation, it is nearly impossible to find someone there because the time slots are so broad.
On the old site, the un-moderated chat rooms were somewhat like a bulletin board in that you could see who had logged in and logged out. I remember trying to leave a message there once for someone saying I’d check back in at a certain time if they wanted to chat. But I think the time zone issue was a problem…

Is there any way to display a bank of clocks that show the current time in different zones?

Thanks so much for all you guys are doing! I hope this works out somehow. I will send another donation soon …

Adele

[adele]

Tara!

I am in a rush .. but had to post this to you.. forgive the chopping please.

HOORAY for getting in to the Live Advice line – do that as often as you need to!

You will NEVER over post here.

BIG victory over the beast in turning away from the machine – certainly not insignificant in anyone’s estimation on this site.

Lastly, I’d love to read your poem. We have a Poetry forum where you could post it .. hint hint …

Keeping working hard Tara, you’re doing great.

Adele

[adele]

Well V, there’s nothing I’d like more than to sit and talk to you – I suspect we’d need coffee, meals, wine, possibly deoderant, and who knows, maybe a sorting hat and broomsticks! (I really want to hear more about that)

I will be reading your response many times before I post again, but I have to tell you now that I had already started another post because I’ve been mulling this all over in my head. **San – I’m amazed you caught my draft before I copied it to my desktop and deleted it to work on later! I appreciate your sage advice and do need reminding of that sometimes.

You have given me more to think about V, and this has helped tremendously already to sort some things out because my thoughts are in line with what you’ve said!

I have a busy few days ahead of me, but I hope to post tonight while things are still swirling in my head. We are supposed to see the counselor together on Friday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for always being there for me.

Adele

[adele]

Tara,

I understand it is important to remember the despair in order to work through the inevitable urges (and the rationalizing / romanticizing) and it sounds like you are formulating a plan for when that happens … good for you. If one thing doesn’t work try another.

I think anyone that’s done it has said that self-exclusion was, at one time or another, the only thing that kept them from gambling . It allowed them time to ‘rethink’ their pressing thoughts to gamble. I hope to read tomorrow night that you have done this – for your sake of course.

If no one was in the chat room, you must have logged in to the un-moderated chat room. If you notice on the schedule under “Support Groups”, the Un-moderated chat rooms are available after 6 pm. Anyone can join when they’re open, but unfortunately it is hard to catch someone there.

All of the groups before 6 pm will have a GT facilitator available to chat with, along with any other eligible members that happen to jump in. Gamblers (designated in your profile) can’t join the Friends and Family group chats and vice versa. Both can join the Community groups. Things said in these group chats remain private.

The Live Advice Helpline is usually open in the mornings (mornings here at least) and it is available to anyone. However, it is a one-to-one chat with a GT advisor, so you may get right in or you may have to wait until an advisor is available. Maybe you could give this a shot in the morning?

I hope this helps.

Adele

[adele]

Hi Tara,

I’m so glad you have posted here. It’s tough to do, but you’ve done it and that’s one big step forward for you. I am not a gambler – my husband is – but I see you wanting to talk to someone or do something NOW, so I’m posting this for you. I hope it helps.

I want to encourage you to use the Helpline here. ( Just ignore this if you’re already aware of it.)

You can chat with someone live at the times listed under “Support Groups”. Just make sure your profile settings reflect the correct time zone, and you have selected either Gambler or F&F as your designation so you have access to the right groups.

You can get in to the chats by clicking on Helpline, then “join”. You must get there in the first 15 minutes of the session to join.

I hope you will try this – and soon – it will help tremendously especially while you are in “crisis mode”.

Hang in there and keep reading and posting.

Adele

[adele]

I have just returned from my first one-on-one counseling session and I am alone at home, so I wanted to think and “reflect” a bit as suggested by San.

My husband went for his first one-on-one yesterday, and we talked briefly about it last night (sorry Velvet, I had to ask a few questions). I am concerned that this therapist does not have any experience counseling compulsive gamblers, and so far – based on the 3 sessions we’ve had with her – It seems I know a whole lot more about dealing with it than she does (not judging, not on an ego trip). My husband said she seems to be “winging it” as far as a treatment plan, and that she basically talked about what things he could do in place of gambling. He’s not sure if he thinks she’s going to help him or not, but wants to give her a few more sessions – which I am certainly willing to do if he is.

When I got there, after pleasantries, I first expressed my concern at her lack of specialized training in compulsive gambling (which I was told she had when I made the first appointment) for which she apologized (unnecessarily – I did not put it to her in that way). I asked if she had some form of treatment in mind for him (she didn’t), and if he is supposed to be working on or thinking about anything in between sessions (he isn’t). She stressed that it was important for him to find something positive to do in place of gambling (DUH!) and that I needed to understand that I could not make him want to stop gambling (I assured her I absolutely understand that).

She said he ok’d her to discuss with me that he feels like I am his conscience when he is with me and he doesn’t think about gambling or have the urges, but when he is on his own, he feels free to do whatever he wants to do. At some point in this conversation, she told me (prefacing with a pause “I’m just going to say this because I’m pretty outspoken” and proceeded to say something along the lines of “nagging him would probably do more harm than good.” So now I’m thinking Good Grief! With all the things I’ve told her, shouldn’t she have a better idea of where I’m at in my recovery; that I’ve already been there and done all that? So I explained briefly my journey since finding GT and where I think I am on the learning curve – that I virtually stopped nagging months ago, that I put up barriers to protect myself as much as possible, stopped thinking about his addiction all the time, and started trying to think of myself instead.

At some point I discussed a list of concerns that I felt, knowing my husband, would keep him from making any progress in recovery if not addressed in his therapy; things like his inability to be mindful or introspective (he doesn’t think about it unless he is ‘forced’ to talk about it or I have reminded him of a group chat, etc.), or his lack of respect for money (he loves to spend money on anything), and his issue with impulse control (going to dating sites and the porn). I told her that, in general, I am not anywhere near convinced that he is committed to this. In this discussion she talked about the Meyers Briggs personality stuff and drew a diagram of where she thought (right now) he and I were: I am extroverted, he is introverted – I am intuitive, he is sensing (hands on – so probly won’t do the mindful thing), we are both thinkers more than feelers, and I am judging (not judgmental but more ‘take charge’ and quicker to make firm decisions) and he is more perceiving. The purpose of this, I think, was to give me an idea of what she was considering and how she was approaching his treatment. And she is fairly spot on in her assessments of us, so I am a little reassured with this.

She has ask several times, and did so again today, what we do together that is fun; when was the last time we did something we both enjoy – trying to establish a reconnection. So today I just told her that we have done some of those things – played golf, activities with our grandkids and friends – but that my heart can’t be in it when our relationship feels so disingenuous. She asked why? I said because for the most part, I do not trust him or anything he says. She seemed surprised and said “So… you’ve really built up some walls to protect your emotions haven’t you?” I tried to explain to her that it was really much more than that. I told her since I began my recovery, and with knowledge and support from this site, I have changed: I have slowly, and reluctantly, begun to accept the idea that I may have to leave my husband; that at times I’ve thought of myself as single; and that I am beginning to think I will be okay if that happens .

I told her about how poorly I was coping with his addiction before I found GT; about how initially the theory of separating the addiction/beast from the man I knew as my husband allowed me to better deal with his outrageous lies and behaviors. I sensed she was dismissing this thinking (she’s a doctor so I’m not really surprised) because her response to this was (and THIS is where I think her inexperience in CG became glaringly obvious to me) something like “Here’s the thing with addiction … If he was truly addicted he would gamble all the time, and he doesn’t do that. He has stopped gambling.” My mind started reeling and I don’t think I heard what she said for the next minute or so. I said “Wait a minute … just because he says he’s stopped doesn’t mean he has.” She questioned my disbelief. I told her he could be using his phone or laptop – he has done this and lied many times before. She asked if I thought he was gambling. I said “I don’t know – maybe … probably”. She asked if I questioned him about it. I said “Not really, it would do no good. If he was gambling he would lie about it, and if he said he wasn’t I wouldn’t believe him anyway.” She seemed a bit astounded by this … ugh… I want a CG therapist! Somewhere in this part of the conversation she asked if he knew what I expected of him. I said “I’m not sure. I’m not always sure I know what I expect of him. He does know that I will not live with the addiction in my life and that it is up to him to change – and I have to believe that I will know it when he does and will want to take a leap of faith.” I think she got it because she said “So you’re looking for some form of catharsis from him right?”

I went in today intending to determine if I thought she was going to be able to help my husband with his gambling addiction. I took my copy of the UCLA Individualized Treatment Plan for Problem Gamblers and showed it to her toward the end of our session at an appropriate time in the conversation (if such a time exists when it might appear you are telling the doctor how to do her job). She seemed genuinely appreciative asking if she could copy it, but then said to me (hopefully teasingly) as she copied it “I see you’re making the same mistake a lot of new therapists make in attempting to make a treatment plan one size fits all.” In the end she assured me she welcomed anything that would help and then said to me “You probably know more about this problem right now than anyone in this town.”

I can see therapy is going to be challenging for me, and after today I suspect the therapist thinks I’m going to be a challenge for her! I am going to give us time to get to know each other’s personalities. I’m going to give her time to better assess our needs separately and as a couple. And I’m going to give her a chance to gain some insight into compulsive gambling – I think I made my concerns about this pretty clear today.

Well, I’ve been reflecting now for over 2 hours, and I’m so glad I did! (Thanks San) These discussions aren’t exactly in the order they occurred, and certainly not precisely stated here because I have such a horrible memory – but I remembered a lot more as I was typing than I would have if I’d waited until later to do this. And there’s no shortening it for the purpose of posting, so don’t worry a bit if you skipped to the bottom after the first paragraph! HA

Adele

[adele]

He NM,

I have actually thought about writing to his show, or at least I did think about it – especially early on when I was such an emotional mess. And I remember you mentioning it jokingly in a post…

I do think it would be a fabulous idea tho … simply to raise the awareness – like you say, not so much for help personally.

I wonder what kind of appeal/letter/ presentation would get the attention of his producers?

Hmmm ….

Adele

[adele]

Hey BB,

How are you? I have no doubt you are still working on your recovery, but I don’t have any idea how to support you right now, and I suspect you still need that – I know I certainly do.

I hope you are still reading here and that you let us hear from you soon. Never forget that you are not alone and that we care about you.

Adele

[adele]

Hey San,

Good idea posting the Non-enablement days! This could work well with Velvet’s suggestion of having notes handy for your “non-enabling” responses to your cg’s requests for money, accusations, etc. You could write those things on index cards and keep them in an envelope in your purse or wherever they would be convenient. And you can print your NonE posts and cut them out and paste them to index cards. Anything that will give you the strength to say NO.

I hope to see many many more of these Non-enablement posts from you – I know it is so difficult for you. I really think this is a great idea and I believe the reinforcement will help you to repeat the non-enablement!

Adele

[Author]

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