[adele]

Hi Vera,
It was so good to ‘meet you’ in the community session yesterday.  I’m going to bed now, so I’ll be saying that prayer for you shortly.  
Adele  "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Thanks Velvet – I know you are pulled in many directions. I am doing better than I was since I have immersed myself into this site, I just have a long ways to go still.  Hope you enjoy your visit in Scotland.
That first group thing kinda freaked me out a little… lol. It was a good workout for my brain and my fingers. After that baptism, I held my own fairly well yesterday in a community group session. I met 3 very nice people there, and it was most helpful, and enlightening. I plan to join in more often if I can figure out the ***** …
NoMore – I greatly appreciate your posts. You have a very good understanding of this addictive behavior and I have given your words a lot of thoughtful consideration. You’re right – our stories are similar. I find myself thinking and saying that more and more on here…
I’ve been thinking about my boundaries …  They’ve changed of course since I’ve come here.  I am considering paying off  2 payday loans this week that my husband took out last month. If I do, the boundary would be crossed if he ever took out another. Actually, I think that might the boundary whether or not I pay off those loans. 
I have been so  very angry and very harsh with him … and I’ve been as strict with our finances as I think is possible, yet he manages to find ways … It amazes me!  He’s not a manipulative man, not conniving in his nature, and he certainly is not creative  AT ALL … yet he finds ways.
In March he managed to *** out a line of credit on an account he opened secretly 2 years ago when this all started. I had confiscated his cards, he gave me the codes for the account, I closed everything but the account with a balance, and had been making payments on it for the last year and a half.   This was the second time he’s ***’ed it out by having them send him another card.
Then things basically just blew up last week … that final straw you know?   I got a call last Tuesday (4/30) from the ***** Department of one of my credit cards.  Someone had used a "Thank-you" card for several on-line purchases that morning and they called to confirm the legitimacy of the charges. I had no idea what a "Thank-you" card was, I’d never received it nor asked for it,  and the phone number for the charges was a non-working number.  Of course I’ve learned by now to immediately suspect my CG – so I called him. He hesitated for a moment, but confessed to using a card he had found in a stack of mail I had shoved into one of the spare bedrooms – intending to sort thru it eventually.    My mistake.   Online gambling of course –  which he only took up recently.  $1000 gone in a blink.
I demanded that he come home immediately – enough was enough – I was going to shut him down one way or the other. I told him whatever it took, to leave his work and come home – or don’t bother to ever come home again.  I meant it and he knew I did.
He came home Wednesday, and I didn’t really know what to say or what to do. It was so weird.  It was like "Hurry hurry hurry and get your ars home now… zoom!  OK I’m here …  Ok, good, sit down and shut up.   lol   There was just this silence between us – his was in shame, and mine was in defeat. I think that’s the best word to describe how I felt.
He did not say anything about all that had transpired the last few weeks, although he knew I was aware of it all. That’s how he is though, non-communicative, non-confrontational, unemotional.   I have tried in the past to get him to talk about issues between us, and he will literally sit there and say nothing.  I timed him once …  me "so what do you think about so and so …. tic toc, tic toc … 10 minutes with  NOT  A  WORD.  He waits for me to drag things out of him.  Are these common traits in CGs?  I know Ell has described her husband as being this way, and so have you NoMore.  What’s up with that?!
Before he got home Wednesday night, I had done a lot of thinking and crying – sobbing actually – and I’m not really a  ‘sobber’. I put a call in to an attorney and then just sat there for hours, numb with the realization that my marriage and my life as I knew it was very likely about to come to an end. In my job, my hours are unstructured, so it is easy to procrastinate when things aren’t right on the inside.  I needed to go out and get some work done before he got home, but I couldn’t make myself do it. So I decided to do some research on my computer….  and that is when I found Gambling Therapy.org. 
Ell’s was the first thread I read.  I felt an immediate connection to her, and the beginnings of a sense of hope. I read and read and read for several days while my husband walked on eggshells. Finally, on Saturday I think, I began telling him about this site.  I told him some of the things I was learning.  By Saturday night my attitude toward him was kinder.  I told him thru tears how very sorry I was that he has been afflicted with this addiction.  I apologized for not being more understanding. I see so many things that I have done wrong in my ignorance of this addiction.  
It is a start for us … he has not yet made an appointment with a counselor (but he has the name of one there), or said that he would attend a GA meeting (they have GA where he’s at), but he has done some reading on this site, and he’s talking more honestly with me about his addiction.   Baby steps …
Holy cow!  I have rambled on and on again … so sorry.  This wasn’t even what I intended to post about …  Guess I needed to get that off my chest!
Adele
  
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

My Dear Ell,
I am so glad you posted today. I am a little more comfortable posting on other’s threads now, so I want to tell you something because It is important to me that you know this:
Yours was the first thread I read when I discovered this sight on 5/1/13,  and it was because  livsg123  had mistakenly posted her first cry for help on your thread that day – so you were at the top of the list. I call that a "God Thing". Have you ever heard that term? (I hope  livsg123  gets her post moved to F&F,  or starts her own thread, and I hope she comes back soon.)
Upon arriving here at this website that night I was in a very sad place in my heart:  I’d had a very rough day (rough month really), and I was skeptical that anything could help. 
I had other matters demanding my attention that night, and I might not have even spent much time here but for two things:
   1)  I was desperate and feeling frantic to find some answers. 
 And … what glued me to the screen … 
    2)  your truly amazing ability to express your thoughts and emotions about your experiences so clearly and eloquently.  
  Ell  –  in my dire emotional state that night it almost felt as though I was reading about ME.  You  were telling what,  in so many ways,  felt like MY story,  but you were speaking with a clarity and insight that I do not possess.   
This is not meant to take anything away from your story, because it is yours alone – not mine.  But so many of the things you said over the months hit so close to my home that you have unknowingly (until now) landed in a special place in my heart.  (ha – that’s my first time to use one of those thingys)  
I have drawn a great deal of strength, courage and hope from your posts – and the gentle but ever wise guidance given to you (and all of us) by our dear Velvet. 
So, I just wanted you to know that YOU have made a difference in my life.  (these things are cool!) I hope you are smiling too…
Sincerely,
Adele
  
 
    
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Hi JuJu –
I haven’t seen you post since you started your thread last week. I hope it’s because you are doing lots of reading on this site.
If not, I hope you at least feel better having put your pain and fears down in words. I think that helped me. I was a chicken and didn’t post my lengthy story for several days – lol – but I’m glad I did. Seeing the crazy reality of my life right there in front of me in black and white was kind of an eye opener for me. Was it for you?
I am still too new to this recovery process to offer anything but encouragement to you, and some days I’m not even capable of that. Today is a decent day so far tho.
I am struggling to find coping skills for specific issues, and for dealing with my husband’s addiction in general – as I am sure you are also. I await the posts to my thread that will bring clarity to my chaos like a teenage girl waits for that pimply faced boy to call. (I can still remember that feeling lol.)
So just in case you were feeling the same way, I thought I would let you know I care, I’m thinking about you, and I truly understand what you are going thru – as do many others here … Different people, different places, different circumstances — but the SAME BEAST!
I hope you will post again soon.
 Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele
— 5/7/2013 5:20:19 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.– 5/7/2013 5:25:48 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

[adele]

Dear JuJu – bless your heart – 
I wish I had sage words of advice for you. But I am only a week older than you to this site, so I dare not. But I know how grateful I was for the first responses to my thread, so I wanted to at least let you know you are not alone.
Like Bettie said, your post, or "thread", is here in the Journey Forum right now. But your story will eventually (and probably quickly) be moved to the Friends and Family Forum where you will make friends with people like me who can relate to your pain and despair because we have a compulsive gambler (cg) in our lives too. And we have the very good fortune to have Velvet in our F&F Forum. You have come to the right place.
Although I am much older than you, my story is very similar. I completely understand constantly monitoring money, doubting your husband’s love, the lies about money issues, the strategy of ultimatums, the hope you cautiously feel when he goes for a bit of help, and those little $20 cash withdrawals one right after the other. And I especially understand that feeling of going nuts. 
I encourage you to thoroughly familiarize yourself with this site and it’s resources –  and continue to post. For me, in less than a week I have learned SO MUCH, which is the key JuJu – knowledge of the disease. 
Hang in there … help is on the way!
Adele  
 
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

This Is Actually My Story

OK – here’s at least part of my story. Most of it has been sitting on my laptop for 3 days now – not sure why I haven’t posted before now. It’s going to be very long, so I apologize for that…
 
I am 52, my CG husband is 61. We will be married 25 years in September. This is my first marriage and his fifth (long story). We don’t have children together, but his daughter was only 6 when we married and I love her as my own. She and her husband have blessed us with two beautiful granddaughters (1 and 3 years old) who have very nearly been the only true joy in my life for 2 years.
My husband began seriously gambling compulsively in June of 2011 when he took a job in a different state that has casinos. I had planned to move there when circumstances allowed (my elderly mother lived here at the time). Two months later I found credit card charges for cash he had gotten at the casinos – and it has been steeply downhill since then.
As one painful shock after another morphed in to my new reality, I could not make myself want to move up there with him. I think I didn’t want to live with a stranger … I’m not sure.   So I "dug in" here at home trying to maintain our mortgage, and we have basically lived separately since the birth of this "Slavering Beast". He usually comes home on his days off as far as I know.
Last summer he transferred back to Texas with his company in order to get away from the casinos. (We didn’t think we had any casinos in Texas.) The place where he works is still 6 hours from our home town, and on his very first trip down there he discovered a casino on an Indian Reservation about an hour from his office and the ‘man camp’ where he lives while he’s on the job. I was devastated! Of course he told me it was just a ***** little casino that was not worth the drive … *** *** ***!!
The last 2 years have been miserable and expensive, but April was really horrible! He is spiraling to the bottom completely out of control – In deeper debt with new payday loans – ***** to me about everything, not just the gambling – Complacent and detached in our marriage and his personal life.  He puts nearly all his energy and effort in to his job (thank God) and his addiction.
Velvet, I am really going to have to read and re-read those elusive words about Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. As for Yesterday – I don’t have the time or energy to worry or even care about it, because – Today and Tomorrow(s) I am agonizing over whether or not to try and settle the latest payday loans that are due this week, and I need to decide if I am going to continue the payments on all the past loans. It’s that or let his credit tank out – which will also affect my credit. I mean seriously … how do I NOT worry about Tomorrow? One day at a time seems unattainable to me right now, but I will strive to embrace that mantra.
I run the gamut of emotions on a regular basis. I feel angry and outraged – then I feel guilty. I feel hopeless and paralyzed – then something motivates me. I get scared and insecure – then I muster up some temporary determination and resolve. At ***** I have worked very hard to be sympathetic and supportive,  then  BAM!!, I’m back to angry and outraged. Thus is the F&F Cycle I suppose. 
You are absolutely right Velvet – my mind is filled with his addiction and little else. Most of my effort has been directed at breaking HIS cycle. I constantly check his emails, checking accounts, retirement accounts, various web sites, etc, etc.  I pay $70 per month for a company called LifeLock  to alert me immediately if anyone (my own stinking husband for instance!) opens an account or takes out a loan using our identification.  I now have a mailbox with a lock on it because he has taken insurance checks, unsolicited credit cards and the like without my knowledge.  I put a lock on my home office so I can hide the valuables we have left because he has sold things from our home to feed his beast. I have a separate checking and savings account now – which we have NEVER done. To his credit he has never diverted his directly deposited paycheck. But I know that is a possibility in the future given his escalation.
In the drudgery of doing these things it has become difficult to feel kindly and supportive toward him.
The man I married was far from perfect (like me), but I felt he loved me, was faithful to me, and wanted only to take care of me and make me happy. However, I discovered very early in our marriage that he would *** to me about things that he felt embarrassed about or ashamed of. For instance, about 2 years into our marriage I learned about his first wife when I found a forgotten picture of their wedding. His whole family had kept this from me. And get this – twenty years later, I found out he had married this girl twice!
And his stupid **** … I have never been able to make him understand or care about how it makes me feel. Although he would promise to never again … blah blah blah … he just doesn’t get it, so it continues. Not obsessively, but any is too much for me. This has been an issue throughout our marriage. 
I feel like I’m making him out to be a wretched man when he really isn’t – or he wasn’t.  At least I don’t think he was. **** I don’t know anymore. Our family and friends adore him, and he has always been highly thought of and respected in his work environment.
He knows he has a problem, but he thinks calling it a disease is too easy a copout for him. He said he wished he’d never heard it referred to as a disease. He be***ves when and if we are living together again that he will be able to control his gambling behavior the same as when he quit chewing his nails and quit smoking. Since he thinks he knows the solution to the problem, he has made very little effort to get help. My husband is a very stubborn, thick headed man.
I have told him about this site, and he did some reading on it this weekend. He said he had gained some unexpected insight from what he’d read so far, and we even had a couple of brief but meaningful conversations. I want to be***ve that a little of his addiction was "tipped out" if only for a moment … but I don’t want to get my hopes up just yet.
Given the unresolved issues in our marriage, I struggle to have any hope that my husband possesses the strength, integrity and courage to dedicate his life to being gamble free. He asks for my patience but has yet to make a commitment to get help – even knowing the stakes.
It is painful for me to be considering divorce as an option, because I do love my husband very much and we have a lot of years invested. Everyone would be absolutely stunned if it comes to that except for our two best friends. They are aware of his addiction and are as supportive as they know how to be with both of us. My stepdaughter would be devastated though. She does not know of her father’s addiction, so part of me is terrified that I might lose my grandbabies and it would kill me.  And finally, it is unbearable for me to think about what might happen to my husband on the loose with this beast ….
There’s a voice inside me telling me to open my eyes and see that no matter what he says, he wants out this marriage to be free to do as he pleases. And yet, some***** I know he still loves me very much. And some***** I feel that there is still something there. That must be why I’m still hanging on … but just barely.
Velvet, I am so very glad that your son is in recovery. I cannot imagine how frightening this experience has been for you as a parent. Thinking of your perspective – I do understand "one day at a time". My prayers are with you. And I am grateful that you are our "Wounded Healer". 
Adele 
 
 
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele
— 5/9/2013 5:02:30 AM: post edited by chasing pavements.
— 6/14/2013 7:21:37 PM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Dear NoMore – I appreciate you sharing, and your encouragement. You’re right, I am actually a very strong woman – usually – and feeling increasingly vulnerable and weak these last few years is maddening to me!
I have struggled with my own demon for many years – Depression (ugh) – so the emotional and visible chaos of my life is not really new to me, just different and compounded. I know in my heart this has been a contributing factor in my husband’s demise.
I like what you say about "taking an inventory  of ourselves" before making a decision about a relationship with a CG. That clicks with me, and I think that will be my initial approach to begin taking better care of myself. Thank you for that clarity.
I am feeling stronger with the knowledge and encouragement I have been blessed to receive from this site. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.
I’m still not in the **** to do the laundry, but I just might go out and buy me some skinny jeans and high heels! ha ha
(Be very glad you can’t see that visual …)
Girl – I’m so sorry for what you’ve been thru.  I am especially sorry your marriage didn’t work out the way you hoped. May I ask – and I apologize if this is too personal:  Was it because it was too difficult for you to believe the recovery would last?  Was he – or you – a different person after the recovery?   Please just ignore these questions if I’ve treaded on raw emotions.
Oh! By the way – I am THAT OLD TOO. So I say to you:
 Just sail on Silver Girl …  You no longer spend your life in sin and misery!!
Adele"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

— 5/6/2013 8:51:46 AM: post edited by chasing pavements.

[adele]

Velvet – I have just popped on here – as I do so often since finding this site on May 1st – just to see if you or anyone else has posted since I last looked – selfishly I think, anxious to see.
 My jaw dropped and just stayed dropped as I read your words. It is uncanny to me how you can be so spot on with so little information about me. I feel like Ell when she says things "click" in my head as I read your words.
I began writing my story last night fully intending to post it, but it got longer and longer and jumbled and convoluted – and it is not my nature to post such a mess. I am sending this one tho without reading it and editing it 20 *****, because I want to thank you, thank you, thank you for "walking with me" – even tho it must feel like you’re having to pull me along right now.
And I want to say to annesingleton – thank you for your immediate post on my introduction thread. It seems my post struck a chord with you – the length of our marriages?, similar experiences?, … something. I know and appreciate that you do not want me – or anyone else – to go through what you and your family have been through. I hope you will post again and do not be concerned that I will think you are harsh – I UNDERSTAND harsh feelings, believe me! And Velvet will edit anything she thinks may not be particularly helpful – I’m sure I’ll get edited too… lol. Please post tho Anne. I can’t offer advice yet, but I can lend an ear – and I know I can relate.
To Berber – you were so sweet to post your positive words of encouragement when you are going thru this agony yourself. Thank you! I read your profile and your story – you are so young – And with a baby! I will pray for you and your family that God will guide your hearts and minds to be rid of this beast. I’m just going to send this now – warts and all…
Adele
(ok – I edited once – but it was all bunched up .. lol)
(ok ok, edited twice ‘cos it didn’t work from my iPad – can’t help myself – ha)
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele
— 5/5/2013 5:13:14 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.– 5/5/2013 5:27:55 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

[adele]

I have SO MUCH to say here with too little time at the moment. But I couldn’t read another post on my thread without at least a short post from me expressing my immense gratitude for this site and for your posts. 
Velvet – thank you so very much for your genuine interest and concern. I have a feeling that you are going to be that "one woman" – the catalyst – that will change my life. You are an angel on earth for "paying it forward" with your time, knowledge and humongous heart!
Before I leave to get ready for work, I have to tell you that I got a chuckle from the confusion over the quote from Adele (British ((ha ha)) singer/songwriter) that I put in my signature line. (Sorry, I have a bit of a wicked sense of humor – but it is NEVER malicious I promise!)  And, Velvet, I LOVE that my name is now Adele because of it.
Adele wrote the song "Chasing Pavements" after a breakup. She described the song as a hymn to lost love and regret. She said, "It is me being hopeful for a realtionship that’s very much over. The sort of realationship you hate when you’re in it, but miss when you’re not."  Later in the interview she said, "That song is about should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?", which is where the partial quote came from. 
As I read the article, it struck me that two completely different analogies could be drawn between her thoughts and the opposing perspectives of my CG and me. In futility he is chasing his bets trying to recover losses, and in desperation I continue to chase after the man I love and miss but is no longer there.
Ah! Such melodrama! I will write more this evening and fill in some of the blanks Velvet. It is difficult and feels strange to be preparing to "air all of my dirty laundry". But I know I must … and I will. 
Speaking of dirty laundry – I may have to dig in the hamper for something to wear today – ha ha. Such is my life …
Adele
    
  "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

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