[adele]

I am so confused.
Friday night’s conversation:
Friday night I said all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons.  I don’t know exactly how it happened,  but within an hour of my husband getting home I was questioning him about how he got another card to his old bank account (turns out he had kept a credit card this whole time “just in case”),    and what went thru his head when he **** to me on Monday night saying that he hadn’t gambled at all (when I **** it out of him on Thursday that he had been gambling online on his phone),    and when he has told me these last few weeks that he is trying very hard to stop –  exactly what is it he thinks he has been doing towards stopping his gambling, does he have a plan?  (he says I’m trying to stop, that’s what I’m doing  – I say but you haven’t! – he says my plan is to just stop – I say how?! –  he says I just have to stop – I say but you haven’t! – he says then I guess I’m not doing anything to stop).  I told him I felt like I was the only one working on his recovery.  
It wasn’t a fight – we don’t ever really do that.  He’s like Harry; he hates conflict and will avoid it at all costs, so he just usually resigns – which is pretty much what he did Friday night.  Unfortunately he was fairly dejected by the time I was done with him.
Thursday afternoon’s conversation:
What’s crazy is that Thursday afternoon when I called him about the phone gambling and he admitted it, I remained positive and supportive – somewhat disingenuous to what I really felt, but it seemed to allow him to be more honest with me.  In this conversation I reminded him that I had asked him again to please just tell me if he slipped – that the ***** was the worst.  He said it was easier to be more honest with me since I was being “nicer” to him.  I asked him to explain what he meant by me being “nice” and how he thought I was different now.
It’s very hard for my husband to express how he feels about anything,  but he did a good job of describing what I think are classic CG reactions.  He said when I was yelling at him (which I don’t do) or telling him how disappointed I was in him, it would “ruffle his feathers” and get him riled up. Afterwards all he could think about was how I was always putting him down.  He said then it was like he would gamble just to show me he could do what he wanted to do and that he would show me he could win all the money back and pay off his debts.  He said when I was constantly on him about his gambling day after day, he got so he didn’t even want to call me – and he didn’t for a long time.
He was very forthcoming about how I made him feel, but he also wanted to make sure I understood that he realized I had every right to say the things I said to him.
 He went on to say that now I seem to have a good positive attitude toward him, not constantly asking him about it and telling him what to do,  and it gives him a better attitude.  He told me he knew it hadn’t been easy for me to be that way. 
This is when I told him that the only reason I was able to handle it this way is because I came to this site and I’ve learned a lot about his addiction and how to put up barriers:  That I am trying to learn how to take care of myself so I can support him in his recovery.  I told him straight out that if I had not found this sight,  we would probably be in the middle of divorce proceedings.  Then I asked him to imagine where we might be if he was getting help.
It was a mostly positive conversation, but I didn’t know how to feel about him ***** to me and gambling again.
You are so right Velvet – I do so desperately want to believe  – to believe that he really does want to stop gambling and that our marriage is more important to him than his gambling.  And I am shocked sometimes at how my own attitude can swing from negative to positive to negative to positive ….
I’m sending mixed messages – and feeling mixed emotions.
Thursday night after this conversation and during the day on Friday before he came home I kept thinking about it and trying to figure out how I was going to deal with this – because on the one hand he did finally confess and actually opened up a little communicating  with me about his “stinking thinking”.   I think that’s progress – right? 
But – at the same time I’m thinking ****! I just basically accepted that he **** to me and gambled again, and he still hasn’t gotten help.   So what are the consequences for him;  the fact that I had a minor melt down on him Friday night when he was expecting to come home to the “nice” me?   
I have told him that I will support his recovery but I won’t support his addiction.   The problem is I don’t think I know the difference sometimes. 
Am I supporting his addiction by accepting the lies and the gambling and continuing to “be nice”?    Am I not being supportive of his recovery by pointing out to him that what he is calling “doing better” and “trying to stop” is really just still gambling and *****?   I don’t know if I will ever be able to have the conversation you had with your husband Jenny,  so how do I refuse to live with the addiction?
I think I have probably caused a setback for him with my wish-wash. 
He says he understands my anger, but I know he really doesn’t – he just thinks I feel he has screwed up again and he probably thinks I expect the worst from him – and part of me does! This is just TOO CONFUSING.
I’ve got to get my head on straight because I only have part of tomorrow to talk to him and try to get this thing on track before he leaves for another 10 days of working his new flexible (and dangerous) schedule.  As Harry described,  I would like for us to be able to discuss what the trigger is and try to figure out a better coping mechanism:   Let this become a valuable lesson rather than another excuse for him to gamble.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Well, ****!!
It’s a good thing I said I believed him “for the most part” in my last post …  I remember now he hesitated just a beat before he told me he had not gambled the other day.
Does anyone know of an Android phone application on the order of Betfilter that blocks online gambling sites?
I saw a new email from a gambling site so I decided to call him right then. The whole conversation was calm – I was not demanding or outwardly angry – I just asked him to please be honest so we could work thru it … so he admitted he had been using his phone to gamble online –  and I am thankful for that, but …
**** **** **** !!!
It took everything in me to keep from telling him how sick I am of the lies and how this has knocked me to my knees again.  I’m sure I didn’t handle it just right, but I got him to talk about it a little and this is basically what he told me:
He said he was really trying to make himself stop gambling – that it had been hard, but he insisted that he had not been to the casino.
He said he hasn’t gambled on his phone for money in 2 or 3 days, but he has played for points for free. I asked him where he got the money.  He said he’d gotten another debit card on the account he has in Oklahoma and has maxed out the credit card and loan accounts on it again.  I thought he had closed the account to charges, but apparently not. I think I may ask him to send this bank a letter telling them he has problem, requesting that they block him from using the account for anything other than paying the loan balances – then have him copy it to me.
I asked him if he got the same high from playing for points instead of money. He said sort of – that when he wins, he thinks “man I wish I’d had real money on that spin”.  So I asked him how it made him feel when he lost playing just for points.  He got a little animated and said that when he loses it really hits him that he’s very glad he didn’t have real money on it – almost like he felt this was helping him to stop gambling.  ????
After talking about his gambling online with his cell phone, he told me again that he felt like he was making progress even though I might not see it or believe it. I told him that I actually do recognize that he is making an effort to stop gambling, but only because I am working on my recovery and understand better how hard it is for him to do so. I think I may email him and tell him that   had I not reached out for help we would very likely be in the middle of divorce proceedings –  and then ask him to consider where we might be if he had already reached out for help.
 Then I reminded him that I would not put money in his account to pay on his debts until and unless he had stopped gambling and was getting help with his addiction – which he still has not done. .  He told me he has been trying really hard to resist,  and that he wants us to do something special for our 25th anniversary in September – and that’s what is motivating him right now to resist.   This is the first time he’s said anything to me about our anniversary.  I don’t know if his motivation is based on hoping we are still together in September,  hoping my feelings will be softened towards him by then so we can really celebrate,   or if he just means so we will maybe have the money to go somewhere.   I don’t know …
I wish I could be excited about our anniversary and wanted to plan something, but right now I can’t help but think about how much more he might gamble between now and then, and that anything we spend on a trip would be better spent on his debts.  Hopefully we will have a good weekend and talk about it some more.
Lord please help us …
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Velvet,
Maybe this will make you feel better now that you aren’t the final post on this thread – ha ha.
Personally,  I love to log on and see a “string of Velvets”,   so please …  don’t ever shut up!
(By the way, just what are you employed to do for Gambling Therapy if it is not to be our advisor in this forum?)
I’m very glad that it is a good thing to post on other’s threads because,  even though it isn’t easy sometimes,  I seem to be doing it more and more.   And I always, always appreciate it when someone posts on my thread.
I do try and be careful when I post on others so it does not appear that I am telling someone what they should do – which is hard for me!  And I try not to define someone else’s experience by comparing it to my own – which is also hard for me.   
But I have learned so much about this addiction – especially from this site, and I have received invaluable support here, so now I think it is important for my own recovery to offer my support to others.    
I usually post when something has moved me,  so while writing more objectively on someone else’s thread I have experienced any number of realizations for my own situation.  I think that is just one reason this site is so helpful and I am beginning to understand your passion for it Velvet.
As always V,  thank you for being there for us.   And thank you GT for allowing us to be there for each other.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 6/5/2013 9:30:12 PM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Dear Ell,
From a number of things you’ve said in your recent posts, it seems to me that you are perhaps waiting for your husband to have some sort of revelation in his counseling that will explain how and why this awful thing happened to him:   And this revelation will be so eye-opening for him that he will be relieved to understand it himself:   And this new understanding will give him  the confidence and resolve to never allow it to happen again:   And if he is able to open his mind and heart enough to reach this level of understanding he will then be more capable of communicating this assurance to you.
As I write to you I realize this is exactly what I want!   And I believe it is absolutely possible  –  isn’t it Velvet?
You said the counselor found some lies and secrets.  I know that holding on to lies and secrets will only bring pressure, guilt and **** swings – so I worry that you have left money in his account…. 
And you said the counselor’s attitude was different.  Do you mean the counselor is concerned?  Confused?  Frustrated?
I have no experience at all with counseling of any sort, but I have been reading – a lot!  I wonder if the counselor wants to dig deeper to determine what is behind your husband’s addiction?   In GA I think this is what they call “Pressure Relief”.
I’ve also read that therapy,  if it lasts long enough,  can determine the trigger that causes the stress that causes the gambling –  which is the coping mechanism for dealing with the stress.  Once the counselor determines what is causing the stress they can teach the CG new ways to cope with it.
I hope Velvet will clarify some of this.
Your anxiety is so very understandable – I deal with it every day myself. 
Please remember what Velvet said:
Your peace of mind is important.
Trust cannot be hurried (not by you and not by your husband).
When it comes,  it is a revelation  (you cannot just decide one day that you will trust your husband no matter what you feel in your gut).  When this happens,  you will feel lighter and more free in your heart  –  but you don’t feel that yet Ell.  
I know I have a long ways to go before I’m ready to take that “leap of faith” – and I’m okay with that,  even if my husband isn’t.    Can you be okay with that for yourself? 
I have to believe that recovery and trust can happen,  and that things will feel easier once honesty is maintained  –  but I also know it is a process that takes time, effort and patience.
You and your husband are 9 months into this process and I think you have made tremendous progress!
Be sure to take care of yourself – no matter how busy you are – and as always, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Well, I am struggling again …
My husband had to work this weekend so we have only spoken on the phone this last week.
Trying something different:
When he left to go back to work after our trip, we decided he would take $100 instead of the $10 or $20 I usually give him (because he would be gone longer this time),  that he would keep receipts,  and I told him if he slipped to just tell me about it and we would get through it.  He was surprised at my attitude and said he would tell me if he slipped.
When we talk on the phone, he does not say anything to me about whether he has gambled or not,  or if he has been tempted:   It is just understood that he is trying hard not to gamble because that is what he told me he could do right now – so I have accepted that … for now.
The bank stuff:
 The bank account he opened to put the last chunk of money in that he borrowed has been drafted by all of his previous debtors for the month. It’s crazy – he’s using borrowed money to make payments on money he’s borrowed, with no plan for when that money runs out.  Nothing is being deposited.
Yesterday I got a notification text from his bank saying that access to the account had been blocked – no reason was given, so I texted my husband about it.  He said he had tried to log on to check the balance,  which makes no sense,  because he is notified every day of the balance and for any transactions on the account the same as I am. I pointed this out and he said he was trying to see who all had been paid so far, and I think I believe that.
He called the bank and got access to the account reestablished. Then the next thing I know, I get another text notification from the bank for a $30 check paid to some new payday loan company.
He says it absolutely is not legitimate – that I know about every loan he has taken out. The check appears to be computer generated somehow (not handwritten) so there is a good chance that it is indeed **********. There was another draft on his account week before last that we have disputed, so the bank has credited his account while they research it.
See,  these are the kinds of problems he has created by frantically looking for ways to get money online and elsewhere:  Somewhere along the way he has provided too much information to the wrong people and now they have managed to get access to his account.      UGH !!!!
The Blob:
I was worthless yesterday, even before I started dealing with all the stuff on the account.   It was as if I knew something was coming … like it was time in the cycle for something to happen. I have got to shake this off!  
His new work schedule provides opportunities to gamble:
Here’s the thing:  Everything this last week and the upcoming week has been and will be a test of my husband’s resolve not to gamble. He has been working nights in the field covering for a supervisor who is on vacation – so he did not come home this last weekend.   After tonight he will go back in to the office for a few days (his normal job),  come home this weekend,  then next week he will be taking on a new long-term/temporary position supervising a group of 3 crews that work together to cover a 24 hour work day – so his work schedule will be whatever he determines it ***** to be to keep these 3 crews running smoothly. He is experienced, dependable and a good supervisor – which is why they can put him wherever they need him.
The good things about this are he will work 10 days then come home for 5 days, and it is a boost to his ego.
 The problem is … schedule changes have always provided him opportunities to gamble;  this is when he has gotten in to the most trouble.  He either runs to the casino when he has down time and is bored,  or he goes by the casino on his way home or back to work – because I have no idea what his schedule is and would not know if he was leaving too early to go back to work or getting in too late when he comes home for his days off.
I think I believe him:
This is all just one big rant – possibly all for naught – because when he called last night I finally just asked him how he was doing on his gambling.  He said he had not gambled and really had been too tired to even be tempted. He said he still had about $60 and had only forgotten a couple of receipts. And he said he was anxious to come home this weekend and see me.  Amazingly, I think for the most part I believe him on everything.   
So when he texted me that the $30 draft was not legit, after awhile I texted him back and said “for what it’s worth I believe you”. He either had gone to sleep or it had no impact on him because he hasn’t responded.
The Blob again:
Oh well …  this rant is over – I have gotten it out of my head V – no more festering.  If I don’t get up from here right now,  today will be another Blob Day like yesterday and so many others.
I will try the sticky note thing Velvet – I actually know someone who puts sticky notes on the mirror for her husband and he loves it.
I want to post on your thread BB, thank you for posting on mine –  and on yours Ell.  I have things I want to say to you both about your last posts –  and I will do so when I’m in a little better frame of mind.  I know you both understand…
And No More – I hope as you indicated that you are considering what recovery might look like for you, and that you plan to post it on your thread. I am thinking about you and watching for you here.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Dear  Mnn,
I am glad you have found this site. It is a very wise and important thing that you are educating yourself about compulsive gambling. I hope your wife is doing the same.
I’m sure it was a difficult decision to have your brother move in to your home, especially if you had some idea at the time of the collateral damage the addiction of a compulsive gambler (CG) can cause to family and friends (non-CGs).  
 Velvet – who you’ve already met – and other advisors and members of this site will be a tremendous help to you, I promise.
I too am from Texas, so I want to make sure you are aware (and you may already know) that we DO have a number of the Indian reservation casinos scattered around in Texas, as well as horse racing tracks and casino cruise ships at the Texas ports. Of course there are also casinos just across the borders of Texas in New Mexico and Oklahoma.
Even though it sounds like your brother will not have a car,  there are buses that run back and forth to these gambling venues every day for cheap fares,   and I think most of their passengers are senior citizens.  
Something else I have learned:  Unless you live close to a metropolitan area, the recovery resources you and your brother may need are not readily available in Texas – such as Gamblers Anonymous and Gamanon, and qualified counselors and rehabilitation facilities for compulsive gamblers. I live in West Texas, and to my knowledge, there is nothing in this area at all.   If you know or learn of anything out here, please let me know.  I will certainly do the same for you.
 Neither I nor anyone else can tell you what you should do. However,  I can tell you a few things I have done based on my experiences in the last 2 years of living with my CG husband…
Among other things,   I have installed Betfilter on every computer he has access to  (see the discount code for GT members in the column to the right),   I have a lock on our home office door where I keep valuables and anything financial (jewelry, coins, silver, my laptop and iPad and anything else that can be pawned, blank checks, car titles, etc.),    I installed a locking mailbox so checks and credit cards no longer disappear,    and I enrolled both of our Social Security numbers and all of our accounts with LifeLock for identity theft and credit protection.
I implemented each of these barriers only after very painful and expensive betrayals of my trust by my husband of 25 years. 
  
With what you have learned about the insidious nature of this addiction, and all the things your brother has disregarded and lost to gambling – right down to the roof over his head your parents provided for him – you must realize that he very likely will have no regard or appreciation for you or your things either.   I urge you to be “over the top” cautious until and unless he is willing to do the work necessary to change.  
Every thing and every one is a means to a gamble for a CG that is not in control of his or her addiction. I have learned that the hard way.
Please read Velvet’s posts carefully and repeatedly. She knows this beast well.
I hope you will continue to post and read on this site as I think we may be the only Texans here.
I wish you the best.
 
Adele  
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele
— 6/4/2013 4:47:41 AM: post edited by adele.– 6/9/2013 7:46:00 AM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Dear BB,
I am SO glad you asked this question. I have been thinking and thinking about it. And thanks to Velvet and Harry for the thoughtful replies. Harry’s perspective is very enlightening. I hope more CGs  and F&Fs will post their experiences – good or bad. This would be a good Topic or post for Overcoming Problems maybe?
I think you are doing a fine job of handling yourself. You have obviously armed yourself with knowledge and it seems to me you are coping with your unique situations brilliantly. I see you becoming stronger with each post. Your patience and courage to remain calm while he’s there must take everything in you to do, but I think you will get better and better at it – and you can always come here afterwards and let it all out. I cry with you and for you, and I will celebrate even your smallest victories. Hang in there.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Velvet,
Re your 5/24 post: You’re absolutely right about pressing my ***** on him and asking too many questions, and telling him I expect more of him – it is making perfect sense now because I’m realizing  these things are actually counter-productive. Being patient, practicing self-control (at least while I’m with him) and better understanding the roller coaster ride my CG is on is making a difference – at least with how I feel.
Is your husband aware that you are seeking help and that it does make a difference? 
My husband is very aware that I’m seeking help here – and I think I’ve made it clear that this is the most important thing going on in my life right now – my recovery and utilizing this site. I have encouraged him to start a thread, or use the helpline or groups. If he has (which I doubt) I don’t know about it. He said he had been reading here, so I asked him if he had seen my postings. He seemed a little surprised, and said he hadn’t – then I didn’t say anything else.  In a bit he asked me if I had used a name he would know, and I said no – then I didn’t say anything else. In a bit he asked me if I had put a story on there, and I said yes. I think I’m taking a chapter from Building Bridges’ book here – steeling myself – holding my tongue when I really want to “seize the opportunity” to launch in to a big conversation about what I think he should do.
Patience … not easy for me.    
That was all that was said – but the fact that he actually asked me questions about it is huge. He told me once that the F&F forum was more helpful to him than the CG forum. I thought that was interesting.  So, yes, I think it is making a difference for both of us.
Going to my CG friends Birthday Party on the coast:
Harry’s  advice to be wary was much appreciated – and heeded.  We had a great time, the margaritas were fabulous, my husband sang Karaoke, which shocked us all, and we avoided the subject of gambling completely – except one mention to me by my friend that no one knew of my husband’s addiction.
BB – I hope you have found your way to those moments of “normalcy”. The evening with our friends here at home, and the weekend trip to the birthday party were big breaths of fresh air for both of us. I won’t say it was easy to “chain the beast up” – there were many ***** I found myself caught up in thought while gazing across the water. But I think the “normalcy” has given my husband a bit of confidence, or hope … or something.
Taking my own inventory:
BB, I hope my post moved you in a positive direction. I know how much you love your husband and want him to overcome this thing. I have cried with you and wanted to give you a silent hug many *****.  I see you getting stronger with every post, and that has given me courage to find better ways to refuse this addiction.
I do have a very long (and very old) list Velvet. So I decided to apply both the puzzle analogy and the One Day At A Time theory to it. I will break that monster To Do List down in to manageable “pieces” that I can complete in “One Day”.  Thursday, I did all of my laundry, Friday I swept and mopped all of my floors. Two pieces done!  Time to get off my lazy butt.
No More, I’m not really doubting myself (any more than usual), and I don’t really blame myself for my husband’s gambling.  My post was, I think, the beginning of a cathartic journey for me – a journey that is going to either intertwine or become one with my recovery journey. I wonder if this would be helpful for you to do also?
Velvet, I do want to change my direction – for me, and for my husband. And I will greatly appreciate you continuing to be by my side. Thank you.
Adele
 — 6/9/2013 3:53:38 AM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

PorkPie Here is a link given to me by a GT team member that will help identify the symptoms of compulsive gambling behavior and give you an idea of where to start. http://problemgamblingguide.com/help_for_families.html Adele
 — 13/05/2013 15:12:02: post edited by harry.

[adele]

Dear Looking,
I am copying my post to Porkpie here with only a few modifications – because I know you need to hear back from somebody. I’m sorry I’m not the best one to respond to your questions, but here it is….
I am in a very bad place with my cg at the moment and have not posted here for several days.
But I just read your post and see that no one has yet replied so I am compelled to respond – even tho I am not capable of giving you the answers you seek. Our advisor for this forum – Velvet – is away for a few days or I am certain you would already have benefitted from her comforting wise words.
 
There is no judgement here, so it is difficult for me to word this properly since I am vulnerable right now, and I am fairly new to this site myself.
However, I can speak from my experience and what I have learned from reading many stories here, and utilizing the resources provided by this site. You can read Family and Friends stories in this forum, or CG’s stories in the My Journal forum, and look in to the Resources tab above, and get in to one of the live sessions to the right – the Live Advice Helpline is one-on-one. It has been most helpful to me.
I can only tell you that I have been married almost 25 years and our love has survived many challenges in that time. I have never seriously considered ending my marriage until this monster addiction appeared in our lives 2 years ago.
I have come to know that it takes much more than love to overcome this thing. I know if I choose to stay in this marriage that my husband’s addiction will be the biggest challenge we have ever faced in 25 years! It is something we will fight and live with for the rest of our lives – that no matter what barriers are implemented to prevent his gambling, he will find a way if he does not whole heartedly commit to pursuing recovery for himself. And even when and if he does make that commitment (which he hasn’t), I will never be able to let my guard down completely for this addiction can return suddenly at any time. Our relationship is changed forever.
If you love your CG very, very much and want to make a life with him, you must be ready to immerse yourself in to gaining the knowledge about his addiction that you will need to take care of yourself and your children and to protect your finances. You will only unwittingly enable his addiction without this knowledge (as will your families and friends), and your life will be filled with lies, financial troubles, broken dreams and heartache. If you read my thread you will see all the barriers I’ve put in place to prevent my husband’s gambling – he has no cards, no checks, his SS number is constantly monitored and his name is not on my new checking and savings accounts –  and still he finds a way.
Velvet speaks of many success stories – including her own. So I know it is possible to do this. But it will be a long, bumpy, sometimes jolting road Looking. Know that. Your CG cannot tell you he will stop and then do it – because he simply is not capable of doing that without help. No matter how hard he tries to convince you of that – it just is not possible.
And it is my understanding from what I have read, that anything – friendly poker games, lottery, bingo – anything that has the potential for providing the adreneline rush of a win must be banished from your lives. It is a difficult concept at first, but I think it is crucial to accept that gambling, in any form, simply cannot be a part of your life.
Please – read Velvet’s post titled the "F&F Cycle". And, on my thread and many others, you can find her post about the "Slavering Beast". Read, read, read Looking. That’s the best advice I can give you. And hang in there, Velvet will back in a few days, and I’m sure others will post here that have much more knowledge and experience with this than I. Weekends apparently are "slow" on this site.
My heart goes out to you, for I truly know what you are feeling. For me it’s like this shivering electrical shock that starts at the top of my head and races down my body each time I discover another deception. Then I’m angry and hurt, and eventually I just feel numb and foggy.
I have found hope here, and I am trying to find the tools to take care of myself, no matter what I decide. I sincerely hope you will do the same.
Keep posting.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Dear Porkpie,
I am in a very bad place with my cg at the moment and have not posted here for several days.
But I just read your post and see that no one has yet replied so I am compelled to respond – even tho I am not capable of giving you the answers you seek. Our advisor for this forum – Velvet – is away for a few days or I am certain you would already have benefitted from her comforting wise words.
It sounds as though you are young and at the threshhold of your adult life, trying to educate yourself in order to be an independent and productive adult – preparing yourself for as happy and satisfying a life as you hope to lead. And it sounds as though you are also trying to take care of your mother. This is a lot on your plate already, yes?
There is no judgement here, so it is difficult for me to word this properly since I am vulnerable right now, and I am fairly new to this site myself.
However, I can speak from my experience and what I have learned from reading many stories here, and utilizing the resources provided by this site. You can read Family and Friends stories in this forum, or CG’s stories in the My Journal forum, and look in to the Resources tab above, and get in to one of the live sessions to the right – the Live Advice Helpline is one-on-one. It has been most helpful to me. 
I can only tell you that I have been married almost 25 years and our love has survived many challenges in that time. I have never seriously considered ending my marriage until this monster addiction appeared in our lives 2 years ago.
I have come to know that it takes much more than love to overcome this thing. I know if I choose to stay in this marriage that my husband’s addiction will be the biggest challenge we have ever faced in 25 years! It is something we will fight and live with for the rest of our lives – that no matter what barriers are implemented to prevent his gambling, he will find a way if he does not whole heartedly commit to pursuing recovery for himself. And even when and if he does make that commitment (which he hasn’t), I will never be able to let my guard down completely for this addiction can return suddenly at any time. Our relationship is changed forever.
If you love your CG very, very much and want to make a life with him, you must be ready to immerse yourself in to gaining the knowledge about his addiction that you will need to take care of yourself and protect your finances. You will only unwittingly enable his addiction without this knowledge (as will your families and friends), and your life will be filled with lies, financial troubles, broken dreams and heartache.
Velvet speaks of many success stories – including her own. So I know it is possible to do this. But it will a long, bumpy, sometimes jolting road Porkpie.   Know that.  Your CG cannot tell you he will stop and then do it – because he simply is not capable of doing that without help. No matter how hard he tries to convince you of that – it just is not possible. 
Please – read Velvet’s post titled the "F&F Cycle". ANd on my thread, and many others, you can find her post about the "Slavering Beast". Read, read, read Porkpie. That’s the best advice I can give you. And hang in there, Velvet will back in a few days, and I’m sure others will post here that have much more knowledge and experience with this than I.
My heart goes out to you, for I truly know what you are feeling. For me it’s like this shivering electrical shock that starts at the top of my head and races down my body each time I discover another deception. Then I’m angry and hurt, and eventually I just feel numb and foggy. 
I have found hope here, and I am trying to find the tools to take care of myself, no matter what I decide. I sincerely hope you will do the same dear.
Keep posting.
Adele
 
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Unfortunately yes V.
He’s off the radar this afternoon and I know too well what that means.
I am trying to hold on.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 5/10/2013 3:10:33 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

[adele]

Velvet – I absolutely agree with the premise that this addiction creates a separate entity within one being – I have witnessed it personally and in reading the stories here.  And it is created without a tangible substance like alcohol or *****. Although I suppose money is the substance for CGs – consumed uncontrollably in massive quantities. 
**** THIS BEAST VELVET!  
**** IT TO ****!
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Hi Berber –
It was good to meet you in Group the other night.  I can only imagine the emotional ups and downs you must be going thru as your husband is in Rehab….
I am going to follow your thread closely and each time I read it I’m going to squint one eye really hard at the screen and shoot Good Mojo at you!  (this is me squirting Good Mojo – I love these little things don’t you?)
Be brave Miss Berber, and remember – God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. (I have to remind myself of that every day.)
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 5/9/2013 5:25:28 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

[adele]

Williame,
I see how my husband struggles with this addiction and how he resists getting the help he so desperately *****.  So it is very encouraging for me to see someone like you who is experiencing success and working all the harder because of it. Way to go!
Adele
 
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

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