[adele]

Имаме редица нови членове и нови теми, затова исках да върна F&F цикъла на Velvet на върха за тях … и за мен.
Все още имам нужда да напомням, че не трябва да се чувствам виновен или да съм контролиран от зависимостта на моята CG и да бъда винаги нащрек, че не изпадам отново в цикъла на активиране.
Адел
"… трябва ли да се откажа или просто да продължа да се опитвам да тичам след теб, когато там няма нищо?" Adele on writing Chasing Pavements- 2/9/2013 3:49:35 AM: публикацията е редактирана от adele.

[adele]

Kami memiliki sejumlah anggota baru dan utas baru jadi saya ingin membawa Siklus F&F Velvet kembali ke puncak untuk mereka … dan untuk saya.
Saya masih perlu diingatkan bahwa saya tidak perlu merasa bersalah atau dikendalikan oleh kecanduan CG saya dan selalu waspada agar saya tidak jatuh kembali ke dalam siklus pemberdayaan.
Adele
"… haruskah aku menyerah atau haruskah aku terus mencoba mengejarmu saat tidak ada apa-apa di sana?" Adele saat menulis Chasing Pavements– 2/9/2013 3:49:35: postingan diedit oleh adele.

[adele]

Now that I have all the barriers possible in place, and all his gambling debts are tied to the bank account that is only in his name, I no longer react to his gambling: Most of it I’m not even aware of.
I have finally managed to stand back and let him fall (keeping myself protected as much as much as possible).
 I have just learned that my CG is now blacklisted from the payday loan places and wherever else he has been getting his gambling money because he is not able to make the promised repayments. (I stand firm in my vow to refuse paying his debts until he is committed to recovery.)
His credit is tanking, and not having cash or cards has caused a number of inconveniences and discomfort for him (not me).
While this is not a situation I could have imagined for us 6 months ago, today I am accepting it as where we are right now. This allows ME some measure of peace and it seems his predicament is giving him reason to consider doing something different.
So for today, this is working for me, and today I am more hopeful for him. I will think about tomorrow … well, tomorrow.
 Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele on writing Chasing Pavements
 — 9/2/2013 3:56:13 AM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Hi Berber,
Your mind, heart and body have been through so much for so long it is no wonder you are tired and frustrated!
I think this is a very good decision for you to get help for yourself. I hope the professional you have chosen is a good fit for you.
My husband has only just begun to test the waters of recovery, so I know we have a long way to go, especially when I see the challenges you and your husband are still facing so much farther down the path.
With underlying issues of my own I think I may need to get serious about finding a therapist for myself soon. My general physician strongly recommended that I include yoga in whatever treatment I choose. Have you ever done yoga?
The challenges we face are tough, no doubt about it, but I think I am growing as person because of them (more precisely because of HOW I have learned to deal with them), just as you continue to do!
 I love what Velvet said to you… "To make something good out of something so bad is surely one of the best things we will ever do?" I think you have handled yourself brilliantly Berber. Keep it up, I know you can…
Adele
 — 9/2/2013 4:02:05 AM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Monique, Jenny, Velvet, San – Thank you for your words of encouragement – I really need to hear them.
I do not feel so clear headed and strong right now. The anesthetic has not yet worn off.  I am still numb and not at all confident in having the proper coping skills to deal with my CG now that I have taken a firmer stance in rejecting his addiction.
Since we are basically not communicating at all, I don’t think he understands that things are changing with me. He seems to have forgotten that I asked him to go to counseling instead of coming home last time. We had to text each other last night because his Bluebird card was being denied. (This is the card I am able to put small amounts of money on for his gas and grocery purchases – no cash!) His last text was that he was coming home this weekend!
What do I say to him?  I think he probably misses me, ***** to get fresh clothes, see the grandbabies, be at home for awhile … and I miss him too … but I’m not sure I’m ready or want to deal with his addiction just yet. I am very definitely “in-between” the old and new way of handling this, and I don’t think I know how to make that clear to him yet.
I’m afraid he will come home, and it will be the “neutral chit chat” kind of thing our time together has become, and he will leave here thinking he can just go on as usual.
Or worse, he WILL have realized something is changing with me, be scared that I’m leaving him, become emotional on me, and it will break my heart. 
I feel vulnerable, and I hate that.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Dear BB,
Once again our struggles are leap-frogging. I don’t have much time, but I wanted to post this for you now.   
Do not allow your spirit to die BB … I think I recognize that tone in your words …
Remember:   The addiction to gamble ****** on us not knowing how to cope with it.   Break the cycle – you know how to do it!  If something isn’t working, do something different.   Stop running after the addiction and confront it head on without words.   Confuse and thwart its manipulation.   Bare your teeth and growl at it BB.
I posted this on your thread back in June:  “What I do know is that you are amazing. I have witnessed you building up your self-esteem and confidence these last weeks. You have taken your own inventory and begun the difficult process of letting go of your anger and pain. You have redirected your energies and gotten busy doing things around your house – things you enjoy – things that are visible proof of your improving mental and emotional health.  These are the things that Velvet has told us will make a difference in how we cope with our husband’s bad behavior.”
You are so much stronger than you feel right now – and how you feel is so much more important than comfort for the addiction.
Our recovery must be kept foremost in our lives. We must focus our thoughts and energies on things that have nothing to do with the addiction so we can experience peace and fulfillment and thus regain our confidence and self-esteem.  This will allow us to not be part of the wreckage our CGs must deal with – and that is the best way we can support them in their recovery.
Put your interests first. Call those friends you think you have shut out:   We all go through rough ***** – they’ll understand without needing to hear an explanation.
Accepting the truth has been the hardest thing for me, but I believe doing so has cleared the path to my recovery.   If I may:    Stand back … quiet yourself … and let go BB.
Your friend,
Adele
 — 8/13/2013 8:11:32 PM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Hi All,
I am very appreciative of the “many tough posts” from all of you who seem to understand me better than I understand myself some*****.  I really don’t know what I would have done these last months without this site and all of you. And V you need not be concerned about the “whipping” speed:  I believe the chapters of my book have unfolded as they were meant to and exactly as I have needed them to – and for that I am eternally grateful.
Something Is Changing
With my sister here for so long I had to lay my book down for awhile, but I’ve read these posts and others over and over because in the middle of all the “busy”,  some***** I just needed to remind myself of what is really going on in my life.  You see –  something is changing in me and I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I don’t think about the addiction all the time and, sadly, I don’t really think about and worry about my husband nearly as much;  and I don’t experience that tugging ache in my heart every time I do think of him.
With so much focus on all that we’ve needed to do for Mother’s estate sale and to get her house ready to sell, I’ve sort of “buried my head in the sand” and become somewhat immune to the normally invasive and painful thoughts.  I am hoping that the “sledgehammer of truth” has finally knocked me off the damned rollercoaster and this numbness I feel is me getting my “sea legs” back.  
The Last 3 Weeks
The last time I saw him was on the 21st. He had come home late Friday night before the last day of the estate sale on the 20th, so we didn’t do anything – plus I was upset that he had gambled his last $600. All weekend he was unfazed by my indifference, wanting to chit chat about the sale, etc., but he did not offer to talk about this setback or about his out-of-control gambling problem, and what, if anything, he was going to do about it.
By this time I had read all of your posts many *****, except for the last one you wrote V, and the words had been swirling around in my head: The sledgehammer was pounding away;   … there is no magic spell … CGing is not about money … he is gambling with our marriage … I am doing all the work … I cannot save him … don’t be so quick to forgive and forget … if I don’t let go – if I don’t give up, his addiction will continue … nothing I do or write or say to him will wake up his conscience and snap him out of this … he has to want his own recovery … stand back and let him find his own way … face the horrible truths …
When he was ready to leave on Sunday the 21st, he came over to me expecting the usual consoling goodbye hug and kiss and reassuring “I love you too” from me – even though I had gotten absolutely nothing from him! As he stood there it hit me –  this is what was expected of me! This is exactly how I allow the addiction to continue, how I accept and tolerate the gambling!
The truth is that standing before me was only a shadow of the man I loved; the form my husband’s addiction has assumed and that I have been foolishly chasing after. The truth is – the man I married and committed to spend the rest of my life with is no longer there and I don’t know if he’s ever coming back. The truth is – this shadow of a man cannot take care of me or care about me:  He cannot be there for me or be with me.  
 I became so angry that he was once again going to leave me frustrated and wanting that instead of an embrace, I dismissed him with a very firm “Goodbye” and went on with whatever I was doing. He stood there for a moment looking stricken and alone, and finally walked out the door without another word.  I have not spoken to him since.
Unbeknownst to him, I still have online access to his bank account because I had utilized a “quick sign-on” feature on my iPad that only requires the PIN before he changed his password.  So I saw that he had gotten a $1500 payday loan on the 26th. He paid $500 on his Advancial account and probably intended to leave the rest for the draft payments that were coming due on his account. However, sometime later that day he withdrew $650 cash. I’m sure he thought about that money just sitting there about to be drafted by his creditors and convinced himself that he could win enough to pay all his debts. Sometime later that night he withdrew the rest of his balance before any drafts could hit. As I watched this struggle, I kept thinking about Jamie’s story and how his addictive thinking would work on him until all logic and reason was gone. It is a vicious and unrelenting grip this addiction holds over its’ victims isn’t it?
We didn’t speak or text until he texted me on 8/2 to let me know he would be home on days off the following Monday. He called me “Dear”, said it was strange to go 2 weeks with no communication, hoped I was doing ok, and put a “love you” at the end. I asked him if he’d seen the counselor yet. He replied that he hadn’t – still relieving supervisors – new ones coming out of training, blah blah blah. (From now on until he is getting help and I see consistent, positive change, when he opens his mouth I’m going to assume it is the addiction speaking – blah blah blah – taking a page from Ell’s book.)  I texted him back suggesting that he make an appointment with the counselor instead of coming home. He said ok he’d do that and that was basically that. I don’t know if he saw a counselor or not, but I made a note on my “To Do” list to make an appointment with one for myself tomorrow.
 The gloves are off Velvet and I think this is me taking my stance. I had to dig deep for the strength to tell him not to come home, but I know it was the right thing to do for a change. I don’t know what he (the addiction) thinks about it, but I have a sad notion the spiral has begun.  While he was on his days off he got another payday loan for $900 and withdrew $750 cash the same day. Insufficient funds charges by the bank took care of the rest.
Although it has been difficult, I have come to realize the truth is I am very much alone in this marriage right now and I think I’m actually coming to terms with that realization.  I’ve noticed that I think and speak more in terms of “me” and “I” instead of “us” and “we”.  I am exploring the idea of being single (in terms of a separation until and unless he finds his way to recovery) and what that might mean for me. It became very clear to me when I read your words Ell that, like you, I do not want a relationship with an addiction! I want to refuse to live with it.
 I am socking back as much money as I can in case the addiction talks him into keeping his paycheck one day. If that happens I’m afraid it will be over for us.  So I am trying to “apply myself” a little better to (translation: “give a **** about” lol) my thankless part-time job with the federal government in case I am forced to amp it up and take on more work.
We’ve just about got my mom’s house ready to sell, and I think I’m going to start on mine next – take advantage of a really strong seller’s market  out here. Then I may move to where my mom and sister live. It would mean being further away from my granddaughters, but I can just make lots of trips back here to see them.
Thanks again everyone for your advice, your care and concern, and your continued support. I know I will get through this with your help.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Pony – do you think the techniques described here would be helpful?  I have asked my husband (CG) to read this and consider implementing them when he begins to feel the urge to gamble – don’t know if he has read it or not though. I would like to be able to tell him that other CG’s have found this helpful.
Thanks for contributing to this topic.
Adele"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[adele]

Thank you all for your posts and encouragement.  I apologize for being absent from here for so long.  I am so looking forward to a whole day in my pajamas, drinking coffee, catching up and posting.
My sister and I have been working night and day for the last week and a half (oh my aching body!) on going through my house and my mom’s getting things sorted and ready for the estate sale on the 18th. We have carried trailer loads of stuff from here that I am getting rid of – and it feels great. I have cleaned out an entire room in order to basically replicate my mother’s sewing room. She was a master quilter before macular degeneration took its toll on her sight, so she can no longer see well enough to make her beautiful quilts. I have a lot to learn, but I will have a wonderful sewing room to do so in!
I haven’t been able to post because my sister has been here, and I don’t feel I can slip off for any length of time – we have really been busy. She has been so wonderful to help realizing how overwhelmed I have been.  She knows me so well in some ways, and doesn’t know me at all in others..
My husband came home for 4 days over the holiday and we worked his rear end off.  He says he talked to the counselor on Friday and they were going to get together this week to work out a time slot – so we will see.
He says he has not been to the casino but he gambled another $60 on his phone this last 2 weeks which he says is a lot better than before, and it is, but it’s still gambling. I asked him to try to cut it all out. 
I don’t know about the **** – didn’t bother to look and didn’t really have time.
He seems to be excited about getting the house (and the garage and the work shop) cleared out and organized. When he called me last night to let me know he’d made it back to work ok, he reassured me that he would call the counselor, that he was really happy with everything we were doing here, and he said "I think if we get the house all straightened out, and get ME all straightened out things are going to get better for us."  He seemed sincere and humble.
I don’t know, I can’t get very excited about anything these days I guess because I don’t want to be disappointed – but I am more at peace than I have been in awhile. I just hope it isn’t the calm before the storm!
V my husband truly does have Impulse Control issues and always has. I suspect this is the reason he’s been married 5 *****. The **** has been ongoing since the 90’s, so unfortunately I don’t think it’s going away when and if the gambling goes away, and neither will the unreasonable spending: It all came before the  gambling.  But I know too that due to his raising he has always felt (undeservedly) somewhat worthless or inadequate, so what you say still makes sense and is reasonable.
V – what I am interested in finding out about is counseling and therapy:  What approach is generally taken in therapy? Do most therapists rely solely on what their patient tells them? How do they manage to learn about other issues aside from the one the CG is there for? How will we know if the therapist knows what he’s doing?  I think we may only get one shot at this – if he actually goes – and I don’t want it to be wasted on an ill-fitted counselor.
 If our marriage does survive this addiction, I now realize that I want a better marriage than I had before the addiction – and strange as it sounds, if that happens I guess I will have the addiction to thank!  
Gotta run – my sister the slave driver is back …
 

[adele]

Dear BB,
While I was in the Unmoderated Chat Room today waiting to see if you saw my post about going there to visit,  I met and chatted at length with another member who is a CG in recovery. 
It was a very eye-opening conversation and I left feeling somewhat encouraged to work harder on my recovery and to be more patient with my husband’s recovery.  He reminded me several ***** that I cannot make my CG stop gambling. I hope when you are up to it you will read about it on my thread.
I am so sorry to hear that you have RA.  One thing I know well about this disease is that stress can cause it to flare up – so it is more important than ever that you start taking care of yourself. You certainly cannot “stick your head in the sand” about this.
You mentioned you’re feeling alone … I’m sure you know that all of us here understand what you mean, but I think you need someone to talk to –  a friend or relative you can trust with your secret.  Although to be honest,  even though my best friend knows about the gambling, there is only so much she can understand, and I am not always up to explaining the addiction to her before I just talk about it with her.  But the couple of ***** that I have, I felt a good deal lighter afterwards, so talking helps just like posting here does.
BB,  any time you want to chat in the Unmoderated Chat Room, just post a note on my thread with a time that you can be there that day, and if I can (and my head isn’t reeling over something), I will meet you there at that time.
I have to tell you, the way you handled paying the money back that your husband’s co-worker loaned him was,  I think,  brilliant.  If that guy loans your husband money again, then he is a FOOL – and, in my opinion, does not deserve to get his money back from you!  If I decide to start paying on my husband’s debts, I hope I can come up with a similar “message” to go along with the payment.
Also, you didn’t ask, but I think you have absolutely made the right decision in telling your children about your husband’s addiction, and for exactly the right reasons.  I’m sure it took a lot of courage.  I hope this helps you to realize that you really are stronger than you think.
So, on a lighter note – are you a “Do-It-Yourselfer” like me?   The wood working and your garage sounds oddly familiar to me …. He he..
Keep posting BB, don’t let this stuff “fester in your head” as Velvet says – we’re listening ….
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele– 6/10/2013 6:04:39 PM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

BB – I can save you some time catching up with me … I was the "crazy lady" Friday night.   ‘Nuff said?   ha..
I am on my iPad, but I’m going to boot up my laptop (so I can type faster) and go into the Unmoderated Chat Room. I will stay there for awhile if you read this in the next little bit and want to jump in and chat.  If not, I will post more later.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 6/9/2013 11:31:13 PM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

This is a wonderful poem V … you have a very special talent my friend.
Adele

[adele]

This is a wonderful poem V … you have a very special talent my friend.
Adele

[adele]

Dear MnN,
It’s late and I’m very tired, but I want to post some things on your thread because, to be honest, your situation is so very frightening to me.  Please forgive me if this seems blunt or seems disjointed.
Apparently your brother does not recognize that he has a very serious addiction.  And you and your wife have not been part of the wreckage caused by his addiction. You are just learning about it yourselves.  So I am wondering:  Are yall doing this just so he has food and a roof over his head,  or are you doing this to give him the opportunity to stop gambling and get his life back?
Either way, I think you should have a Plan B that you all can agree on, and know (and define to your brother) what would cause you to put it into action. For example, is there some sort of group housing he might qualify for?  
Also, I think if you allow him to control his own money that  1) you will seldom if ever get your rent from him, and  2) he will find a way to gamble it away and will then ask for money.  You could ask him to have his SS check directly deposited into your account and only give him small amounts of money at a time (or some similar arrangement).   You would not give an ********* a bottle right?
From your last post it sounds like your wife is very caring and very fair minded – unfortunately she also sounds very naïve to this horrible addiction – and it will eat her alive.  Everyone here and anyone who has ever dealt with or been a compulsive gambler will tell you the only chance you have of coping with this addiction is to know and understand it. And as Velvet advised, the two of you must be united.
Once the “honeymoon” is over, be prepared for the lies, anger and resentment when you enforce the rules and put up barriers, and have some idea ahead of time how you will deal with them.
I think it would be a good idea to determine the time and place of GA meetings (I heard it is a good idea to confirm the meetings with a phone call if possible) and make arrangements for him to get there. If they are “open” GA meetings you can go with him.  And consider going to the Gamanon meetings yourselves.
And lastly, find  a good therapist specializing in compulsive gambling if possible, speak to them and have that information readily available.
That’s all I can think of right now. Hopefully you will find some of our experiences and suggestions useful in your situation. 
I know your brother will be there soon and I do hope this all goes well for your family.
Please let us know and keep posting. 
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele– 6/9/2013 3:48:01 PM: post edited by adele.

[adele]

Dear BB,
I feel like a ***** a lot of the time too – especially when I’m with my family who know nothing about this mess and I feel like I’m pretending everything is fine as always with me when it’s not. I want us both to find a way to feel more genuinely fine, at least sometimes, whether or not our husbands recover.
I hope you have started strengthening the relationship with your kids and you are spending quality time with them. This would be so good for you all.  And you surely know in your heart that they could never be better off with a different woman as their mother – you must not ever let this damned addiction convince you of that!!
I haven’t seen you post in awhile, so I suspect you are flip-flopping like me – but maybe things are going much better for you and you are putting your time and energy into your kids and other interests.  I hope that is true and I’d love to hear about it if it is.
If not, I want to hear about that too girl.
Did you ever go to that Gamanon meeting?  If so, what did you think?
Is your husband still going to the outpatient rehab on the 10th?
I hope you post soon and let us know how things are going.
Adele
 "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

[Author]

Posts