[adele]

Thanks for the Texas time on F&F Group Velvet. I have a meeting today at 2:00, and my granddaughters will be here next week, but I will pop in soon to say hi!

Adele

[adele]

Hi Velvet,

With your encouragement, I have updated my thread and I have been reading the journeys of many new F&F members with tears in my eyes. I pray you are right – that my story of surviving the addiction to gamble will give others hope, even though I remember a time when I could not think straight and such a story might have stirred unfounded feelings of guilt, envy and anger in my heart.

Now, I am puzzled with the listings for the Support Groups. I thought I would pop in to your F&F group on Thursday, but it does not show up in the purple timeline section even though it is on the “List” of groups available below that section. And I noticed many of the start times for other groups showing in the purple section do not coincide with the times shown in the “List” of groups.

I am also confused that some are listed in a 24 hour miltary format, while others appear to be in a 12 hour format and should have a “pm” or “am” after the time.

It has been a long time since I was logged on … could it just be my GT app needs updating?

If you can tell me when your group starts in Texas time, and how I can join in even though it isn’t in the purple section, I would appreciate your help!

Looking forward to chatting with you again soon,
Adele

[adele]

Dear Velvet,

How I wish I could give you a ride on the “pillion” of my Harley! Wouldn’t we have a blast?! Although, the one friend of mine that dared to hop on behind me might advise differently. (HA) And, so you know, I’d take a ride anywhere on anything with Kenny Rogers (hubba hubba).

I am not surprised to hear you are still playing table tennis, and it sounds like you are getting serious about it … good for you. I used to love to play “Ping Pong”, and I can just imagine that league play would be loads of fun. I have a notion you are quite competitive and will be moving up in the rankings quickly. If we lived close, I would be brushing up on my game!

Thank you for your kind words V. My sweet husband and I truly are living a wonderful life without the addiction to gamble. I would not have thought it possible 4 years ago, and still had lingering doubts and apprehension even 3 years ago when I took a leap of faith and moved to the Hill Country with him. However, my cg husband has indeed changed his life. He is happy, productive, highly respected, and most importantly, he is confident and respects himself. I DO trust that he is in recovery and will continue to control his addiction, but we have left a few of the barriers in place to reinforce those mental boundaries.

My recovery was separate from his, of course, and would NOT have been possible without the amazing support I received from you, V, and others here at GT. I will be forever grateful. It took a long time, hundreds of posts, and a lot of pain and tears, but I finally began to understand that MY recovery was most important. When I decided that I was going to recover with or without my husband, the healing began for me. I can hardly bear to think what might have become of my husband (and me) if I had continued to focus on HIS recovery instead of my own. Nevertheless, I do consider the possibilities from time to time, lest I become complacent. Thankfully, we have both healed.

We are each very involved in our wonderful community, and we have made so many good friends here. We play a beautiful golf course that is our back yard and home to hundreds of deer and other wildlife almost every day, and I ride the scenic river valleys and hairpin twistys on my bike every chance I get. Some days it seems like we are on a perpetual vacation.

Of course, our lives are not perfect. We have endured a number of heartbreaks and setbacks that are normal in life, but we have weathered them better than most – possibly because we survived the addiction to gamble. Our journeys to recovery certainly made us stronger in many ways.

For those in the eye of this particular storm, please listen to what Velvet and others say here: Take care of yourself first, starting today. Let this forum help you by reading, posting and chatting in groups. And know that your life will be better if you refuse to live with the addiction to gamble.

Always,

Adele

[adele]

I have not been on the site in some time, and now I see that you lost someone very dear to you in February, although I am not able to ascertain what has happened.

I think of you so often, and how different my life would be had I not met you on this site back in May of 2013. You walked with me during my recovery for over a year during the most difficult and painful time I believe I will ever have to experience. And now my husband and I are having fun again, living a very nice life – without the addiction to gamble. I am forever grateful to you, Velvet, and this site.

I wish I had been here for you in your time of need as you have always been for so many of us on this site. My condolences are belated but no less heartfelt and sincere. I pray you are surrounded by many who love you during your bereavement.

And I hope you are taking care of YOU my dear friend Velvet.

Always,

Adele

[adele]

Thanks V

[adele]

Hi DK,

I only have a minute as I am in the process of moving, but I want to offer a few words of encouragement.

On another thread you asked what is meant by “taking care of yourself”. And in your new thread here you are wondering why your fiancé has seemingly shut you out of his recovery process.

For me, taking care of myself means changing the things I can by protecting our joint finances and limiting his access to money (among other things). I’ve gotten busy doing things I want to do instead of worrying every minute of every day about what my cg is doing, why he is doing it, why he can’t see what my needs are (and seemingly doesn’t care), and why he won’t assuage my fears and insecurities by talking to me about it. Those constant thoughts and concerns of his addiction won’t change a thing and do neither of us any good.

It has taken me a very long time to realize that my husband’s recovery is completely separate from mine and we must each be totally selfish doing what we need to do in the process.

You may think that is not possible when two people are sharing a life together, but It is. You may not have the relationship you once had, and it may not be what you expected or wanted, but, for me, I am beginning to believe it is possible to have a loving and sustainable relationship with a cg. It most certainly is not easy, and my circumstances are different from yours, as is everyone’s, but this has been my experience thus far in my recovery.

I hope you will continue reading and posting on this forum so you will gain the knowledge to know the difference between what you can change (which is you) and what you cannot change (which is your fiancé), and with that wisdom determine what you are willing (or not willing) to accept and live with.

Hang in there DK – things will get better.

Adele

[adele]

I have been In Between long enough.

The movers are coming tomorrow to finish packing things in our house, and Monday morning they will load all of our belongings into a moving van headed to the beautiful Hill Country of Texas.

In December I decided to “take a leap of faith” and move down south where my husband has been working (and living) for more than 2 years.

To my knowledge he has not gambled since before his accident in late September, and I am encouraged and more hopeful than ever. However, he has not attended meetings, read any literature, written in a journal, or asked me to schedule any more appointments with our counselor, so I am well aware that he could, and likely will relapse. I’ve seen it said many times “abstinence is not recovery”.

We will be living close to San Antonio and should have many more resources available to us, including Gamblers Anonymous. I plan to find a Gamanon group as soon as possible, but it will be up to my husband to go to GA.

I have and will continue to maintain the barriers: He has no access to money except what cash I give him and what I put on his Bluebird card – which he cannot use at ATMs or online, and I can see every transaction. He has not complained about this arrangement and it is working well for us.

I have been purging my home of things that have been difficult to let go of for so long, and now I am working to release my mind and heart of the pain, anger and guilt I have lived with for too many years.

Trust may always be out of reach for me, at least the kind of trust I once had in my husband: It was so certain and comforting and safe. I’m not sure that kind of trust is necessary in this new relationship we seem to be developing. I don’t know … but I’m not going to worry about it today.

The time I have spent on this forum (almost a year now) has changed me. My spirit is awakening from near death, and I am so much stronger than I was. I am looking forward to a fresh start: New things, new friends, new adventures, injecting meaningful things into my life, and continuing to put the pieces together.

“Take one thing that you used to do and do it.” How many times have you said that Velvet? Next week I am buying a 2003 Harley Davidson 100th Anniversary Screamin’ Eagle Softail Deuce (that’s a motorcycle V – ha ha :), and I definitely plan to have fun blowing a few cobwebs away!

I am no longer waiting around for spontaneous combustion V … in fact, I’m about to light the match!

Thank you all for the support and encouragement you have given me over the last year – I don’t even want to think about where I might have been without you.

Adele

[adele]

Hi Madge,

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but I’ve been reading when I can. I hope your father is still doing well after his stroke. You’re at that age when both your children and your parents need your attention, and that can be difficult even on a good day – much more so with the distractions and aggravations of addiction.

I’m so sorry about your beloved cat … I am a lover of animals and know that heartbreak well. Sadly I’ve lost the oldest of my 3 wonderful dogs, and 2 of my 6 sweet, beautiful cats since I’ve been on this site. I hope you have other pets too – my buddies have gotten me through some rough, lonely times!

Something in your last post struck me – about how your cg always manages to ruin special times. A lot of the things you have said about his behavior reminds me of a spoiled, selfish teenager I know: My nephew married her mother last year, and his 2 younger children have had lots of things spoiled due to her drama. It isn’t fair to any of them, but especially the younger kids.

It seems, like a teenager, the more you want your husband to do something, such as a family outing, the more he resists. It is sad that it isn’t fun for him to see his kids having fun. Unfortunately I’m guessing your kids are picking up on this too.

You know Madge, I think if your children are going to learn how to refuse their fathers addiction before they become adults and have to figure it out on their own (like Twilight), they’re going to have to learn it from you. I personally think it would be excellent for them to see you ask your husband (when he’s being pissy) to go elsewhere because you and the kids want to have a nice time…. And then go and have a nice time! Think of ways to stop letting his addiction bring you down and then teach your kids to do the same. You all deserve happiness and for those special times to be special!

Adele

[adele]

Dear Sade,

The hardest thing to do in the beginning is to stop focusing on your cg (what he’s doing, what his mood is, how he is behaving) and start focusing on YOU. Once you understand the importance of doing that, things will begin to get better. I’m really only repeating what everyone else has told you in some form, but that’s what it took for me before it finally started sinking in. You must learn what it means for you to take care of yourself and to not allow the addiction in your life.

For me that meant protecting my finances, not “expecting” or “needing” anything from my cg, not paying his gambling debts knowing his creditors would be hounding him daily, and, among other things, but especially – coming to this site every day sometimes for support and guidance.

You will come to realize that you cannot change your compulsive gambler and there is no “dealing” with him when he’s in the throes of his addiction. You can only change yourself.

Vera has given you some valuable insight and advice from a cg’s point of view. And, as the child of a cg, Twilight has experienced that pain and damage and speaks only with the deepest care and concern for your children.

The rest of us have been where you are right now, each with different circumstances, different stories, but we all understand the hell you are going through.

Keep coming here for support Sade, and learn what you need to do to take care of yourself – this is where you will begin to find some well deserved peace.

Adele

[adele]

Well then … Hi!

I tried real hard to think of one more “IF” just so I could moan at you Velvet, but alas, it seems you’ve covered them all!

Things are for the most part good with me – and very, very busy. Of course I still read here, I’m just usually too pooped to post …

I will update soon.

Adele

[adele]

I put him on a plane this morning to go back to work, and cried as I drove away from the airport.

When he called this evening he was down and said he’d forgotten how small and depressing the rooms were at the man camp. And I told him I’d forgotten how big this house can get.

It will be lonely for both of us I’m sure.

He is different today than he was almost 8 weeks ago, and so am I. We have been given this time and the opportunity to reconnect with one another and to realize that we both have a lot of work to do.

He left here with $32 cash in his bill fold – and didn’t want more (that’s a first), and $29 on the Bluebird card (I will put small amounts of money on the card when he needs it). He says he likes the card and thinks it’s going to help him not to have cash (he cant use it at ATMs). And he put Betfilter back on his laptop. He took a small, plain spiral notebook for writing in (he picked it out himself V 🙂 ), 2 golf magazines, and a book on addiction by Stanton Peele.

So now it’s time to get to work on me …

Adele

[adele]

“It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; Who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt

Dear P,

Lest someone (who possibly cannot understand your many struggles) make you feel anything but strong and worthy, know this: You are in the arena every day alongside many sooty faces and could never be counted among the timid, whether it be victory or defeat at the end of your day.

You are brave.

You are important.

This is your arena.

Adele

[adele]

I am so happy and relieved to say I think we have found a very good “fit” with this new therapist. I am familiar with her from nearly 10 years ago when she counseled 2 troubled foster children we had taken in to our home, and I remember how wonderful she was with the kids.

She was wonderful with us too yesterday. She quickly assessed the immediate need to focus on giving him something to take with him since he is leaving for work in the next day or two, where he will be alone again, and the casino will be calling (and knowing that I can come back next week – which is exactly what I hoped for).

She asked him about his triggers – he said “She’s (me) not there and there’s nobody there to say no”. She said she understood that, but that wasn’t the trigger. She helped him to identify the trigger – “she’s not there so you are lonely.” She suggested that he remember the acronym HALT – Hunger, Anger, Lonely, Tired – to help him be aware of and recognize the things that might trigger an urge to gamble.

Then she went on to give the best description of triggers I’ve heard. She explained that when someone “acts out” (gambles) on a trigger, there is usually an “acting in” trigger that occurs before the full blown trigger – sometimes 2 or 3 days before: For example something in a conversation reminds you of a really good time you had once while gambling. If you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT), you may allow yourself to dwell on this very subtle thought of a gambling related thing, and you may keep going back to it in your mind over the next few days.

This is the point where 1) recognizing the “acting in” trigger and 2) having a good coping skill ready is needed to avoid “acting out” on a trigger (gambling).

If you allow your mind to dwell on these subtle, “acting in” thoughts, they will trigger more serious gambling thoughts – which will eventually put in motion the “acting out” (gambling) on a trigger. By this time, most likely it is too late, and there’s no going back.

She told him ”Pay attention to what goes on inside you” and suggested that he keep a notebook to write down his thoughts and feelings periodically throughout the day to help him recognize and identify his triggers. He is struggling with that – keeps saying “I don’t know what to write.”

Velvet suggested in Group today he might just start with, “I am ________. I am a compulsive gambler. “ Then maybe add, “I did _______today.” Then, “I feel like ________ today.” And maybe, “I want to take control of my addiction and I see myself doing _____.” Of course it will be up to him to use this journaling tool or not, but I hope he does.

The therapist also suggested that he make a list of things that he can do when these recognized triggers occur – instead of “acting out” on the trigger. As I type this he’s across the room making his list …

(I would love to know what everyone thinks about this and any other ways to identify and head off triggers.)

She reiterated to both of us that I cannot do this for him; that he must begin looking inside himself for answers and solutions.

Her demeanor was completely professional but so very gentle and genuinely caring at the same time. My husband was able to relax somewhat and just be open with her. He told her he had gotten more out the 45 minutes we spent with her than he had at all the other sessions and GA meetings combined. It was amazing. I wanted to jump up from my chair and scream “YES!!!”

I have an appointment with her next week just for me – and she reserved judgment on whether to treat both of us – or not – until then.

I don’t intend to write every little detail of every therapy session (this is probably the last one I’ll be in regarding his addiction anyway), but this was all so very interesting, and made sense to me. I know it is not as clear for my husband – yet – and I am fully aware the wheels could come off the first bit of spare time he has once he gets back down there, but this last 7 weeks have me believing this is a real start for him on his recovery – which makes my recovery all the more rewarding.

Adele

[adele]

Congratulations to the GT team on enlisting the services of such a kind and wonderfully wise woman. I think she is a perfect fit.

And thank you so much Monique, for offering more of your time, support and expertise to this community – and for making it official!

Adele

[adele]

Well V – you went and made me cry again! HA

You are the cherry on top of a very good day …

Thank you for your uplifting and endless encouragement. I wish I could feel like I do right now every single day.

Make that 20 cherries.

Adele

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