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Similar situation for me. Partner well now ex partner that knew of my struggles yet dishonesty was what ruined us.
Lieing about how many bets I placed, how many times I bet, How much I spent, How frequently I deposited money, How quickly I spent money, How much I won, you name a gambling lie, I said it and I would have been pretty f**king convincing! I knew I had a problem and I was ashamed and hated myself for it. Much like you I asked myself multiple times Why? What? How?
Why could my friends gamble but not to excess like me? Why can’t I just be honest?
What was wrong with me? What can I do to change?
How can I stop? How can I fill in the gaps?My vice was Racing. Harness, Gallops, Dogs. If I could bet and know the result within minutes I was going to wager on it.
In the past year I would estimate atleast $10K down the drain. Yes I’ve won up to $1500 in a day.But I’ve also won $400, 600 and800 in a day and gone to bedwith nothing in my account. Gambling addiction is a hell of a spiral.
Recently I was at 6 weeks clean and slipped up. I lied about my slip up and got caught. I owned it and promised to not do it again. I was going well again, 2 weeks down and I slipped again. And lied again. And said I wouldn’t lie again. The trust tho was gone. I ruined it with multiple lies to hide my addiction. It has cost me my relationship and this past weekend I would estimate that I have spent $650-1000 in a 2-3 day span. I haven’t done the maths but believeme when I say you are not alone.
The self hatred we all feel, the disappointment we all feel, we all feel it but to give you hope, although Im at the start of my journey again, tomorrow I will be at my first GA meeting. I tried tonight and sat in the carpark crying. Im not afraid to admit it. Losing my partner has thrown me to the bottom of the pit and now I have to climb out of this alone but I will. Because I need to show my former partner that her love and care that she showed me despite knowing my addictions if worth more than giving up.
Remember on those dark days you still have your partner. He obviously loves you.. Fight this for them and for you.Start one day at a time.Just like I am having to do but make sure you know…You’re not doing it alone. You have the strength of 2 to fight this.
When I first realised I sufferred from multiple addictions I thought it was just a bad dream. I thought sure I do these things often but are they addiction or do I just do them too frequently and need to slow down. I started gambling once every few months then more often to weekly, finally it got to the point where it didn’t matter what day of the week or was, if find something to bet on. Smoking cannabis was only done once a month then once a week at a party then twice a week then eventually daily, and alcojol although i drink very rarely when i did i always made sure i would drink enough to get a buzz, then once i had the buzz i would keep going until my body physically told me i couldn’t continue, so did i stop? No i continued to drink even after vomiting the last 40 drinks. When i started to realise i had those addictive tendancies i told myself you can control it, just don’t do it 75% of days you do only do it 25%, or dont take as much as you do, only do half of that, only do what you need, yet I couldn’t stop. No matter what limits I gave myself I couldn’t stop. I tried many things from cutting up cards to hiding cash around the house to limiting amounts of cash I would take out with me but that wouldn’t stop me. No matter what steps I took the addiction would still take over no matter how many times I said no. Every single time I broke the promises to myself I felt myself sinking lower and lower into depression, into hating myself, into thinking the world would be better off without me in it. Why did it pick me and why can’t I be like everyone else. With the addictions came the dishonesty. I never really knew why I felt I needed to hide my addictions, was it because I realised the harm it was doing to myself that I was ashamed of? Was it because I was embarassed of who I am? Was it to disguise the pain I was under on the inside? Every second,minute,hour,day,week there werr multiple questions going on in my head. Initially the very things i did to excess were my escapes but those escapes turbed ubto the turbulent landscape that i called my mental state of mine.
Whatever it was it has cost me more than anyone will ever know. Although I was never from the richest background I was given everything in life to succeed. One living parent, food on the table and the ability to suceed in a number of ways. Ways i should be proud of even to this day. I have always held down a job, friendships and kept my life stable where on the outside it seemed like I had everything anyone could ever ask for yet I kept the pain I was going through a secret.
As I grew older I went through one long term relationship that fizzled out as young relationships do at times but was marred by death and grief from outside the two person relationship and also one inside over the course of this relationship. During some tumultuous times I felt an escape in my addictions. When I was struggling through the tough times I could always find enablers that would be right by my side to enjoy the social aspect of my personality not understanding the pain I was disguising on the inside, the pain I was trying to evaluate whilst fulfilling my fantasies to win the next bet, smoke the next bong or drink that next drink.
After that relationship began to gradually end I met someone that gave me strength hope and something I craved, self belief. I had always been positive looking for the best in everyone else’s situation yet on the inside I was fighting multiple demons. I was embarassed and ashamed of who I was and made up things at times as I felt this person was too good for me. What would she see in a multiple addict that has earnt and achieved alot but has nothing to show for it. Why will she want to spend any time with someone that is as pathetic as me is what I told myself.
Gradually that friendship blossomed into what I would call true love. She introduced me to her family, made me feel as if I was someone that I could treat like a princess and i would be treated like a king in return. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with and finally someone that I would do anything for to continue that love… anything but be honest about the real me. The addict who is hiding these demons and these lies of life that ashame me every day i walk this earth.
One day it became appparent to that love of mine that something was up. I broke and told her i had an issue. But I didn’t tell her everything. I trusted her but I thought her knowing everything in my life such as being a CG and a habitual cannabis user with alcoholic tendancies would drive her away. She promised to support me in the one addiction I let out. I loved her for that and vowed to change. I had begab attending counselling but the methodology used just didn’t give me faith so i stopped going and dlied about it. Someone above must have known as much as i she needed to know and because i wasnt goung to say it events led to her finding out. A member of staff at the counsellor broke my confidenxe and trust and told her. I admitted the lie and exllained i didnt feel it was doing anything for me but id had 3 weeks off so I thought I was cured of the addictions but how wrong was I.
We went along and continued to be the best of friends living life in love and in laughter. Then another issue came up. Again I broke and promised to be better. I had lied and I had more than once. Even on the inside I thought to myself…. this is it. Time to be real.
This I thought was it and I knew I wanted to be a better man. I was ready to fight for everything. I wanted that love and I wanted to urge us to a better place, together . From that day I stopped smoking, drinking and gambling. I organised to see a psychotherapist and invited her to join me. I went to 2 sessions and felt i was in a good space but directly after, on a hot summer’s day I pulled into the local bar. I ordered an ice cold red bull. I was staying strong. Then the moment came. I had cash and i still to this day do.not know why I did it but I placed a bet. I won. I placed another and lost it all. I took money from the machine. Bet again and lost it all. Did the same thing. Lost it all. Although only down $100 and having lost more before it was enough. I promised tobe gamble free and couldn’t.
I saw that love of ny life an hour later. With butterflies in my stomach and my mind telling me to say something I looked at her and opened my mouth. Then the words never came out. I was a coward and broke that trust that was barely there.
A couple of days went by and a conversation came up. Again those butterflies and again the urge and mind telling me to say it. Again the coward in me opened my mouth, again I couldn’t get the words out and instead said I was glad I had nothing to Hide.
Fast forward to that evening and i found myself so emptionally unstable because of my lies i went to the same bar. I ordered my red bull. And started to walk to the machine. And then i looked out to the carpark. In the carpark was the love of my lifes mother. I saw her and she didnt see me. I put on my sunglasses and walked right out of that bar to avoid beinf recognised. Head down. Ashamed of myself but also hopinh not to be recognised.
An hour later my lie unravelled before my eyes. My post counselling bets were found out. I broke and admitted my slip and over the course of a week tried to get everything out that I had ever been dishonest about, ever, and still am. That evening I contemplated taking my life. I couldn’t handle the pain I was responsible for causing. I planned it all out and was moments away from beginning it. Then I decided that wasnt the way. I droveaway and ended up thinking of a less noticable way of doing it. A way that could be seen as an accident. Finally I realised I needed to continue to fight these addictions and not let it beat me.
To this day I know why I have lost the love of my life. I dearly want to change and want to fight for a life where I can live without the stress of dishonesty. Without feeling as if I have something to hide. I feel with that I need and want support. I want to take accountability and ownership for the issues I brought on myself but I also want to share the joy of the milestone with someone that appreciates how hard this is. Since that fateful evening I have attended aa, booked further psychotherapy, admitted to him the gambling slip up and have maintained being drug free for over 40 days, alcohol free for over 37 days and will continue to fight so one day I can hopefully share the joy of my biggest achievement with the one person that ever truely loved me. Addictions and all.
I’m sorry for the novel and the multiple issues considering this is CG focussed but as you may have figured out. This is the coward CG that has lost the love of chamomile and for that I am truely sorry and genuinely want to change for the better no matter the judgements I know I deserve and give myself every day.
Chamomile is a strong person and deserves every bit of happiness in this world. She is an Amazing woman that I will fight to show how much she means until the day I die but who I also respect and understand the decision to walk away no matter how much pain it causes.
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.