[Adam26]

Jesus, it’s like these people are mocking me. Was talking to my parents over tea and the subject of a lad my dad knows came up. He goes in my workplace and was and is a heavy gambler. He was for a long time my running buddy on the bandits at work. There had been many occassions I’d let him stay after I’d locked up and we’d put hundreds in the machines. Anyway, my dads askin about him and of course asks if he’s still gambling. I said I don’t gamble with him anymore and haven’t for a long time. I did however mention he’d lost about £400 last week one night. My mother was disgusted at the amount he’d wasted. So once again, my choice not to share my secret has been reaffirmed.

[Adam26]

I know what your saying. But I think I need more time being their son before I’m their degenerate gambler son. I Know I’m being selfish but it’s just how I feel at the moment. My carrying the burden seems better than sharing it with them. They shouldn’t have to put up with my shit. I’m sure eventually when the talk comes, I’ll of built up my savings more and achieved an amount of clean days I can be proud of myself. At the moment I don’t see what I’ve done as anything to be proud of. I’ll be happy when I’ve gone 6 months. Or a years better. At the moment I still feel like a relapse is right round every corner. Just gotta keep going straight.

[Adam26]

Nice to have a day off on my day off… Just having a lazy day today.

[Adam26]

Feeling a bit meh today. I’m coming to the end of things I want to sell to raise funds. Trouble is, I’m still 15 grand short of my target. I know it needs to be a gradual thing and a building process. My personality wants instant results though. I’ve mentioned before, patience isn’t a virtue I possess…

[Adam26]

Cheers Vera and very true Waynes. I like to think my attitude has changed. I still get it every day from the regular gamblers that go in my workplace. Telling me it’s worth a go on such a machine and why aren’t I playing this and doing that. I’m trying to explain to these people that I’m putting it behind me, but with so many other instances of me saying I’m done they tend to take it with a pinch of salt. The guy who knows what I’ve done who ive mentioned before wasn’t in last night. Blew a fortune in here on Monday night. I wonder if he’ll learn his lesson? Probably not, but that’s up to him I guess. My opening time regular has just finished his daily loss of around £100. Why didn’t I see these things more clearly the last few times I’d tried to stop. Probably the shock of the amount this time has effected me more than anything else. I’m becoming like one of those reformed smokers who gets on their high horse when they see people smoking. I’m starting to dislike the people who gamble and try to associate with me over it…
In other news my brothers house is nearly ready for him to move in. This will start a reshuffle of accommodation for my family. The point being, I’ll be living alone soon, maintaining a house that I probably can’t afford to. I’m going to be spending roughly 2 weeks wages a month on staying alive… Gonna really test my ability to carry on saving money. Of course, this being said, all the conversations usually end on my eventual own house. My parents are saying I won’t make the mistakes my brother did and my money will go further. At the end of the day, they’ve no idea I couldn’t afford to buy a shed with a bed inside at the moment… I guess when the time comes that they wanna sell the house and I have to buy my own, we’ll have much to discuss.

[Adam26]

Shit day today. Was in work at half 8 for the Thwaites delivery. Coors were supposed to turn up between half 8 and half 12. So I’ve cleaned the lines and waited 4 hours for them not to show up. So I went home for what will now only be a 2 hour break. Then at 2 o’clock they ring me up. “Hello, it’s Coors with your delivery”… Leave it outside or take it back… You’ve arsed me about enough today, I ain’t coming back now!
So that annoyed me. Then I had a delivery from Same Day Beers at 4. Not actually sure what the Steward does for his money! Anyway, I just counted my tips I save in a jar at work. £76 in pound coins I have. Usually this would signal the round up rule. The round up rule as we all know (or maybe not) is when I have an odd amount of money, you gamble the odds. So in this case, save £70 and put £6 in the bandit. But of course as we all know, once I’ve lost that £6… And I will… It’s time to carry on the round up rule.
£70 left, so I’ll just put a tenner in and I’ve got £60 left…
I’ll just put another tenner in coz £50 is even rounder!
Ok well silly not to do a last tenner coz then I’ve got two £20 notes…
Last bag! Definitely last bag of 20, then I’ve at least got a £20 note in my back pocket…
Well I’ve come this far, all or nothing…

Nothing…

But not today! It’s all still there. I’ll be needing it.

[Adam26]

Very cool but busy day and night yesterday in Liverpool. Didn’t get chance to update, but I’m doing it now. Had a text off someone in my lottery syndicate. We won £150 between us. It’s the most we’ve ever won but it’s still only a few quid each. I’m not packing my things to move abroad just yet. Also, the win doesn’t make me feel any gambling twitches. Maybe because it’s a small amount. I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve just spent £160 in Liverpool in one day. Either way, I think I’m gonna be ok… Cheers again for the words guys. Peace.

[Adam26]

Busy day at work today. Just updating to update! Long day out tomorrow in Liverpool.

[Adam26]

Day 30. Friday. Bit miffed as I’m working tonight on my day off. It’s hard work being one of the only people good at my job. I’m finding at the moment that my days are being filled with thoughts of progress instead of negative thoughts about what I had, what I could of had and what I’ll never have again. It’s reassuring to me that I’ve managed to scrape together 3 grand in just over a month. It gives me real optimism about the future and hopefully I can continue on and make an even bigger more stable savings account. I’m also, for now, happy that I have the control to still play the tote and put to a joint lottery, knowing that I won’t get out of hand. I know what my vices were and hopefully I’m managing to irradiate them…

[Adam26]

Just getting on quick to keep my day counter going. 29 not out!

[Adam26]

So that’s 28 days. I guess thats 4 weeks. Then in theory thats a month! Pretty good start I’d say. Been selling some more stuff from my collection. I’m nearly on 3 grand saved. That’s pretty good for a month. If only I’d put this much effort into saving before I’d lost it all. Silly boy. Living and learning!

[Adam26]

Quiet night at work tonight. The lad I mentioned in previous posts wasn’t in tonight. I gather he put a LOT of money in the bandit last night and lost. Serves him right for belittling me the other day. Like someone said, CG in disguise. Hopefully he’ll learn his own lessons and maybe he can have a better attitude when he talks to me next…

[Adam26]

Cheers Southside. It’s nice to see I’m not the only one. I’ll keep you in mind. Been busy today so I’m just getting this in before midnight. Wanna keep my day counter going. It’s the only thing keeping me sane through this voyage of acceptance. I was a bit gutted yesterday. I was speaking to my mum about my brother who had just bought a house. She was running through all the costs he’s built up so far. Pretty much the whole 10,000 quid my grandparents left him. She reminded me not to make the same mistakes when I buy a house. It made me feel so low and ashamed…

[Adam26]

Shit day today. Man U beat Liverpool. Gutted.
But not gambling! Way hay!

[Adam26]

Cheers for the words people. He’s a pretty big gambler himself. That’s why I’ve been tight with him for a while. Swapping stories and sharing losses. A few months ago we went halves on the card machine. If your not familiar with the concept, you pay £1 and get one card. You then peel off 5 compartments and if you get three of the same in a line, you’ve won something. So we set off pouring money into it with the slim hope of getting the jackpot (£300). We were easily about £80 each into it already, as well as putting in the winnings from that run. After we’d got our latest batch, a little old woman, obviously watching what we were doing, goes and puts three pound coins in. You can guess what she got. I just looked at those three gold bars in a line as she handed it over and couldn’t help but smile with acceptance. Partly because I didn’t need to spend anymore. This fella was livid though. He was cursing her out all night. But there’s a common expression that circulated this place between anyone that plays these machines. “You pay your money, you take your chance”. It’s that simple really. Hopefully I can “save my money, take my chance” to build a better future. A gamble free future.

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