[Adam26]

Bank holiday weekend again. I wasn’t in last night but I hear it was packed at work. Guess I’m gonna have to actually do some work for my wages for a change. Ugh! Need to get some money in my savings last week was the first week I took out instead of putting in. Need to get back on track.

[Adam26]

Had a horrible dream last night. A dream I’ve had before. I dream we’ve all had… I was gambling again.
Is it a dream, or is it a nightmare? I specifically remember I was playing on the bandit at work. It was the 20p bandit, not the pound one. Obviously the dream Adam is a bit tighter than the real one. Anyway, I can remember playing away, pumping coin after coin in, then suddenly, I wasn’t me. I’d turned into an onlooker who was questioning me about why I’d gone back to it after so long. I remember feeling a certain amount of disappointment for this person in front of me that had just blown all that good work. But the one thing I can’t remember about the dream… The excuse. Because I had one. I know I had one and I was laying it on thick. But for the life of me I can’t remember what I’d used to justify being back!
On a lighter note I spent £50 on some perfume for the lady. I’ve not treated her for a long time. I can remember the last time. It was January. We went to Liverpool and I bought her a ring and a new bag. About a week later i lost everything I had…

[Adam26]

Very busy day today. I pulled off a major jewelry heist in the morning. Helped a sweet British couple collect celebrity memorabilia. Went hunting for elk with a friend. Saved my daughter from an exploitation game show. Stole a great many cars…
Ok, so I’ve just sat in bed playing Grand Theft Auto all day. But I’ve not had an afternoon to myself for a while. No rest for the wicked though. Back in work now until closing. Lucky me!

[Adam26]

Busy day today. Once upon a time, I had the bright idea I was going to make these big feature boards for work advertising new products and prices. That escalated into the bar front and back being covered in prices. Only problem is, once I’d displayed this talent, it was there to take advantage of. The yeay price increase was today, so I’ve had to go around changing all the prices. Sounds easy enough. I seriously can’t be arsed going into detail so I’ll just say this… It isn’t! I was at it at 3 till 7 and I’m back at it now. Serving people in between. This might sound like I’m moaning… It’s because I am!
On a lighter note, it’s been 9 weeks today. There’s currently the big man on the bandit who’s asked me no fewer than 4 times if we’re going halves. I’ve continually told people I’m staying off them yet the gamblers always ask me if I wanna go in with them. It’s like they don’t believe me, or maybe they just know it won’t last. Maybe they’re right. For now all I can do is politely say no, rudely say no, resort to violence… Ok maybe not. He’s a big guy this one. Anyway. Nine weeks and counting. This time next week will be ten weeks for those of you with a maths degree.

[Adam26]

Cheers pal. Not sure GA is something I’d be able to commit myself to. I work a lot and couldn’t change my days to the Wednesday I believe I would need off. See, I’ve looked it up in the past at least, when I was at my lowest. At the moment I’m just focussed on work and saving. I don’t have much of a social life. I spend my days off with my partner and I’m happy with that. I’ve never been tight in the past though so I think that might be showing a bit.

[Adam26]

Cheers Mav. I do like a good keyring. Sorry to hear about your business being beyond saving. Happy to hear you’ve gone 25 days though. Things were getting much clearer for me around that time too. I managed to stay off them yesterday. Well, not managed, I knew I couldn’t allow myself to do it. Day off today. Chilling out.

[Adam26]

Sunday. Ugh. Boring Sunday. Had our club AGM today. Things are actually getting a bit better at work, therefor nothing to bitch about, and so, not many people turned up! Pretty boring morning. It’s the evening shift now and equally boring. I’m writing now because this is the first time, in a long time, I’ve been SO bored at work, that I’ve looked around at who’s in and then longingly towards the bandits. Usually I’d look at the two people in the far window and the two people on the right side and the four round the corner and think, I can get away with this. The bandit is right next to a through door and if anyone gets up I can run round before they know I’m missing. Also, it’s 7 o’clock. So I’ve got about an hour to play before it gets a bit busier and the boss comes back. Maybe I’ll just start with a twenty note. But keep another 80 notes in my back pocket just in case I need to chase it. Every fibre in my being would absolutely love to play that bandit right now. I hadn’t noticed but my mouth has gone dry. Not sure what that’s all about.
But I can’t do it. Well I mean, I can. I’d love to. But I can’t. I won’t… So for now, I’ll just have a Coke and a smile. I’m sure I’ll be posting tomorrow still on course.

[Adam26]

Day 50 for me tomorrow. We seem to be in this continuing race. I hope to be one day behind you for a very long time!
Keep up the good work.

[Adam26]

Saturday again! There’s one lady at the chippy that really knows how to get my day off to a good start. Everyone in the places gives me the large trey with extra chips. This one woman always gives me the small trey with less chips. My face drops when I see she’s working. I know she’s only doing her job, but I like my Saturday chippy damn it!
There’s also a security monitor behind the bar that’s on its last legs. Every few minutes it cuts off and makes a ticking noise until you walk over and turn it off and on again. Not a big deal? Try having to do it every few minutes. I’d rip it off the wall and throw it out the back door if I could get away with it. It’s making it difficult to eat the 17 chips I’ve got for my dinner.
Check me out. Such first world problems I have! But I’m sure I’m not the only one that would be driven to gambling by the smallest of trivial shit. I know for a fact that as I type this at 13:55, if this were a few months ago and I didn’t have this journal to talk to myself, I’d be standing in front of that bandit right now.

[Adam26]

Thanks for the comments guys. I know my inpatients could be my downfall but it’s not something I’ve got much control over. Had another stumbling block in my savings path today. Was offered some Stevie Gerrard match worn boots. Although they’re a big wedge, I have to have them. I’ve wanted a pair for years and they come around very rarely. I guess I’ll have to save the saving for another week. 😛

[Adam26]

So another Wednesday night just rolled by. Same as every week, I’m always in fear the same guys gonna get a taste for the bandit after I’ve shut the bar. He only dropped it last week yet here he was again. I told him straight I was out the door at midnight, no questions asked. So at 5 past midnight he’s spent all his money and he’s askin to borrow. He likes to try and entice me to stay by letting me play for him. I wasn’t in the mood for any bullshit last night and so I just slid my hand down the side of the machine, and turned it off. His face dropped like a ton of turd.
I did tell him though…
I forgot to mention that yesterday was 8 weeks without wasting a penny (except buying WWE 2K15… What a piece of shit). That’s about two months in my books. Still not happy with that though. Still not happy with the money I’ve managed to save. I need to do more! I need to keep this going!

[Adam26]

So weird I mentioned the guy who comes in every day in my last update. He came in today (obviously) and told me he’d been diagnosed with cancer. Really puts things into perspective. He’s got to be nearly 80. All his life has been the last few years has been looking after his wife, who has dementia. The 30 minutes a day he comes in here are the only time he gets to himself. Pretty shitty news to hear, but he’s upbeat about it. I guess he has to be. He has a wife to take care of after all so I’m sure he’ll beat it just for her sake.
On a different note, I’ve been reading through a few other journals. Not really feeling the need to comment much at this point. I still don’t think I know enough about my own addictions to be able to comment on others. Maybe there’s no right or wrong answers. Just different levels of support.

[Adam26]

Good to hear that mate. Hope it pans out for you. You deserve a break.

[Adam26]

I’ve just read through your thread. Your doing very well. I’m a bit like you in a sense I just went cold turkey myself after losing just under 20k in a couple of weeks. I too have had the withdrawals and even the nightmares. It does get easier I can promise you that. But the urge will always be there. You just need to recognise the triggers and avoid them. I know what my issues are but unfortunately I can’t really avoid them full stop as I work in a bar and there’s gambling machines (my vice). It’s interesting you said your addiction started in Vegas. I actually went to Vegas once and didn’t gamble a single cent. I guess we’re all different and similar at the same time. Keep counting your days. For me personally it’s one of the main things that helps me. I’ve never gone a year without playing in my life so that is a goal I’ve set myself. If I can prove to myself I can do that, maybe I can open up to others about my problems. At the moment it’s still my secret. But I’m 8 weeks in and I’m feeling much healthier mentally. Just need my bank account to be healthier. My money was supposed to go towards my first house. At the moment that’s just a pipe dream.
Good luck in recovery.

[Adam26]

Tuesday again. Delivery day again. Got in at half 8. Thwaites got in at 9. Cleaned the lines. Finished at half 10. Stuck waiting for Coors again. I thought, sod it, I’ll clean one of tomorrow’s beers to save me a bit of time. Connected up in the cellar. The second… THE SECOND, I flicked the beer on to the line cleaner, the delivery wagon pulls up! So obviously I’ve committed myself to cleaning the beer. I can’t leave it in line cleaner or it’ll taint the line. So I had to stop an extra 40 minutes while I cleaned it. Bloody typical man.
Reminds me of a time (many times) I used to play the bandits after I’d finished my morning jobs. I’d often play straight through my break, missing dinner, chasing losses. More often than not, 3 o’clock would roll round and it was time to open the doors. Problem was, I’d be down and not ready to accept defeat. I’d be running between the bar serving people, and the bandit, losing money. Being there by myself obviously didn’t win me any fans with the customers. Especially one chap that would come in every day, bang on 3 o’clock to play the bandit for half an hour whilst drinking exactly one and a half pints of bitter. There has been a few occasions I’d be playing and he’d get arsey with me to move on. His right of course, I shouldn’t of been on there. There’s more than one (probably more like ten) occasion I can think of where I’ve ended up giving in and he’s dropped a couple/few hundred quid. Basically everything I’d just put in. It made me hate him. Daft thing is, he’s a lovely bloke and I’ve got all the time in the world for him. But when (and this is another true story) I’ve put about £200 in the card machine, gone through all the trouble of individually buying each ticket and opening it, only to watch him walk through the door, put five pound coins in and drop the £300 jackpot… It really used to chap my ass.
Anyway, thankfully I’m over it for now. He still comes in every day. Still spends a fortune. And I still think he’s a nice bloke.

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