[Adam26]

Good to hear from you Paula. It has been a long year for me. Full of many tests that I’m glad I can say I passed. I’ve tried to convince myself that a little slip up here and there won’t be a problem. I used to tell myself off too. I’ve sat on the floor and punched myself in the face I was so cross with myself. But I’ll always forgive myself. That’s the problem. I’ll forgive myself and allow myself the opportunity to make mistakes all over again. I know now that after a year I can safely say, if I ever slip up, that will be the end of my posting on here. This journal. This tally of days. It’s the only thing keeping me on my mission to be quite honest. I’ve come so far, I’ve amassed so many days, if I blew it all now I really dread to think where I’ll end up. I’m scared to death of the thought of starting again from zero. I’m not sure if I’d be able to do it again without something majorly bad happening first.
I really appreciate having this canvas to express myself on. I came on here today to say hi to Paula and say thanks for the words. But once my thumb gets going, my feeling just seem to pour out. I’ve no doubt managed to spill a few things I wasn’t even sure I really felt until now. It just goes to re-emphasise the fact that I personally need to stay strong and not give in to temptation. What works for some cannot always work for others. Paula, I’m so glad you’re in a better place and I wish you all the luck I can in your continuing fight. You don’t need gambling. I don’t need gambling. Stay strong. Goodnight everyone.

[Adam26]

Thanks everyone. I struggle with any kind of praise or criticism equally so the inspirational tag makes me a little uneasy. I hope I don’t let anyone down.
Skintpete, it’s always nice when people relate to what I’m saying. I struggle to describe my feelings a lot, but I know people in similar situations will know exactly how I feel. I’m not sure jealousy is quite what you’re feeling. My story is nothing to be envious of. If you put in the effort you reap the rewards and hopefully in a year when I’m celebrating two, I can join you in celebrating your first.
Thepod, it does get easier. To a degree. I still don’t go a day without thinking about gambling. But I’ve gone over a year, so that surly speaks for itself. I’m extremely impatient myself and for the first few months I was frantically trying to claw back my savings. As of today, it’s been 13 months and I’ve saved up £8,200 of my £20,000 losses. If you just take care of yourself first, your finances will take care of themselves in the long run. I’m hoping that eventually, when I’ve finally reached my original sum, I can carry on and continue to save wisely. Best of luck to you.
As for me, I’m still working every day. My boss finishes his treatment today. So tomorrow will be my first proper day off in 8 weeks. I’m feeling tired today. I was silly last night. I allowed a heavy gambler to stay behind after hours and play the bandit. We finally left at 4 in the morning. He’d won £700. Who am I trying to kid though. He put in £800 in total and came away £100 down after all that effort. As I waited and watched him play all I could think was how glad I am it’s not me and my money stood here. Just the sheer boredom of watching the same reel spinning round is enough to send you mad. Again, I believe you call it dry gambling, but to be honest, it’s not made me think about trying my hand at all. I feel sorry for the lad who was no doubt in bits when he thought he was about to lose £800 only to get a quick fix of a loss cutter com his way at the last minute. I guess this means I am in a good place. Mentally. I can safely say I’m not wondering about what could happen if I give it a quick twenty!
On second thoughts, I’m not in a good place. This place I mean. I’m at work at the moment. Sometimes I think the only thing that works around here is me. The fridge has gone today. I’d noticed the bottles were a bit colder than usual. Then I noticed that most of the bottles of Coke had frozen and popped. I’ve just spend the last hour sweeping out frozen Coke and broken glass. I guess that’s the fridge knackered with perfect timing too. Easter bank holiday weekend. It’ll be busy, but who needs cold drinks right? Anyway, gonna cut this short now coz my relief just arrived. Gonna go home and make tea before I come back and work.
So thanks again for everyone’s comments and I hope everyone has a happy gamble free Easter!

[Adam26]

Your predicament sounds not to dissimilar to my own. I gambled away my entire life savings I was banking on using for a house. I too haven’t been able to tell my family or my partner. Talking to people on here helps and I can happily say I’ve been gamble free for just over a year now. Something I can’t say I’ve been since I was about 13. All I can say is, listen to the advice of the people on here. Stay strong. You’re better than any addiction. Each passing day will make you more confidant you can beat this. Take care of yourself and your finances will do the same.

[Adam26]

Thought I’d put a quick post on here. It’s been over a year but it doesn’t get any easier. I’m currently at work. I’ve been here all day and night. So have the couple currently sitting just over the bar. They come over from Manchester every so often and spend an absolute fortune on booze and gambling. They’ve been at that machine all day and not won a thing. I’m trying to convince myself that if I put in some money and I win, it’s not gambling. It’s just winning. I wish I wasn’t stood here racking my brain trying to give myself every angle I can play this bandit and come away still a year clean and on the same road. I wish the fact I have no money on me was even an issue. Having the keys to the safe will always be a negative in that sense. I wish I could just look at these people for what they are. Fools with money. But I can’t. I look at them as a means to my financial reward. I wish that the urge to gamble wasn’t still as strong after a year as it was after a week. I wish I didn’t need to bitch and moan on a forum to try and stop myself doing something I don’t even really want to do. I wish I could tell my parents what a failure I am. I wish I was never enticed by the demons.

[Adam26]

Thanks mate. A miserable scouser. Lost the Cup Final on Sunday and we play the same team tonight, just for giggles. Hopefully we can derail their title bid.
I thought I might as well start the new year like I started my last year… Complaining about work! So Yesterday was a crazy day. Started at 8 in the morning waiting for deliveries. I clean the beer lines in the morning too while I’m waiting. So I connected the Thwaites Smooth, Mild and Guinness up for cleaning. As I prepared the line cleaner mix with water I experienced my first ever shot of pure line cleaner right to the eye ball! As I scurried to the first aid box for an eye wash I discovered that we don’t have a first aid box. Essentially, it’s just a box… An empty box with a deceiving cross on the front that lied straight to my one good eye. I rushed back down to the cellar and got the hose that has two settings. Skin piercingly fast and off. I then proceeded to send a steady stream of water directly at my purple line cleaner stained eye. (When cleaning the lines, the purple solution turns green to signify you have dirty lines. My eye didn’t go green, hence it must be pretty clean. Bonus). It calmed down a bit and stopped stinging eventually. I did my best Terminator impression for the following few hours… The orders came and I got out at half 11.
1 o’clock. Back at work to let the ladies in to prepare the food for an impending funeral party. I decided to clean more lines. I flipped the cleaning solution the bird as I passed to connect the Carlsberg, LCL and Cider. I managed to clean them without the risk of losing my sight. 3 o’clock I opened to doors to the funeral party. 80 odd people piled in and gave the deceased a good send off. Approximately 9:30pm, all hell let loose. Tuesday night here is line dancing night. Sounds fun right, anyway, calm down, I digress. So I gather the lady in charge had asked the funeral attendees to stay off the dance floor while they practice. One young lady took it as a personal insult and went for her, shouting and swearing all the way. I was asked to head down and I did. The situation wasn’t resolved but they agreed to disagree and I went back to the bar. Suddenly a chair goes flying and there’s a dance floor full of pushing and shoving. I get back into the middle of it and gather the young girl had hit the dancing instructor. So the instructors dad has either pushed her or hit her back depending on who’s story you believe. So there’s me, pushing and grappling back huge dudes who are up for killing this fella, who’s easily in his 60’s. Must of taken a good 20 minutes but I managed to convince everyone to call it a night and not murder this man. Really thinking of myself and not wanting the hassle of police involvement… I managed to get home about midnight. When I fell asleep I woke up about 2 o’clock. Shit day topped off with a shit nights sleep.
I walked to work this morning at 8 o’clock from my girlfriends. It was pissing down all the way. I got to work. Pants plastered to my legs. Looked around and just thought, ***** it’. I carried on past work all the way home. I had a hot shower, cup of tea and fell asleep until 2, just in time to get up and open up work at 3.
Heading home for tea now. Looking forward to the football… Not sure why! Cheers for everyone’s comments. I appreciate anyone who reads my babble!

[Adam26]

So here i am. Only 3 days in… Wait… That’s not right. Ah yes, One year and 3 days in! Immensely proud of myself for managing to hold out for over a year. I’ve not had much chance to really come on and express myself recently as I’ve been working more hours. My boss has cancer treatment in Preston ever weekday so I’ve found myself working more on my days off. It’s bad to say, but the more hours i do, the more it feels like he’s making the best out of my good nature a little. For instance, on a Friday, he goes in the morning, so i have to go in and sort all the order from Carlsberg/Tetley. But on his other days, he goes in the afternoon, so i have to open up the bar and work until after tea. It’s not a big deal to me really, but I have countless people in my ear telling me he’s taking advantage of me. I won’t go into all the details about how my boss isn’t a nice person, but let’s just say, he has very few real fans. But my good nature makes me smile and get on with it. I just tell people, he didn’t chose to have cancer, so I’m choosing to help out. I’d say I’m more loyal to the job than anything else.
Anyway, enough about work. I have a house guest this weekend. My dad is on another trip to Anfield South to watch Liverpool play City in the League Cup Final. My mum is tagging on too, so muggins here is left babysitting the 19 year old cat. An absolute legend by the way, i named Arnie, after an old mascot i saw on some Liverpool merchandise. His old bones are starting to give out on him these days and he’s commanding a lot more attention. They dropped him off this morning and my idea was, to get him settled and asleep, so i could slip to work unnoticed. Nah, he woke up just as i was leaving, wanting to go outside. I allowed him a few minutes to walk around then went to retrieve him. Jesus, if you were in the area, you’d swear i was trying to kill this cat the screams it was making. I thought, ‘bloody garden’s not that nice’… Anyway, after taking more than a few chunks of my arm flesh i left him crying in the hall. Bitch! He’s more than likely pissed on my pillow. I’m about 10 minutes before i try again before my night shift so fingers crossed. I’ve booked the day off tomorrow so i can sit with him and watch the final in piece, possibly in tears.
Right, that’s enough from me I guess. Just thought I’d drop in and say what was on my mind. I’ll check back soon, hopefully with more miles on the clock. Thanks again for everyone’s comments, i appreciate people having my back on here. Notice how I’ve not mentioned the bandits this time around. Must of been a good few days…
Shit, I just mentioned them didn’t I !?

[Adam26]

One year!
You’re very much correct my friend. Thank you for your comments. I’m glad I still have a few people monitoring my progress. I told my girlfriend about my milestone. She was proud of me. I didn’t go into any detail. She’d never understand. I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished.

[Adam26]

I wasn’t going to check in again until Wednesday on my year. But I’ve been stressing for a few days now. My mothers has brought up the conversation about when I’m getting a house a few times recently. House prices are steadily going up and she thinks I should be acting faster. Yesterday and today I’ve managed to dodge the question about how much I’ve got in my savings. She said today that she expects me to have at least 20 grand in my savings. That might of been true just over a year ago. But how can I tell her I have only a third of that. If I had two more years to rent from them I’m sure I could claw it all back. But the constant questions about my future are causing me to stress out a bit and think some dark thoughts. Ideas have crossed my mind to take the 7k and go shit or bust on a gambling bender. Even to celebrate my year anniversary with a gift to myself of a gambling spree. These things are the furthest thing away from what’s really best for me financially and especially mentally in the long run.
Coming on here and reading the few posts that were waiting for me has lightened my mood. It’s nice that there are a few people reading and routing for me. It gives me hope that I can carry on the path I’m currently heading down. That’s the non gambling path I’m talking about of course… So thanks jrb and izzi. Also Mav, great to hear our little race is still ongoing!

[Adam26]

Just a little under two weeks before I mark my first full year without gambling! Something I can’t say I’ve done since I was about 13. Still can’t say I’ve had to courage to tell the people closest to me about my problems. But I’m steadily building back my savings, which is the main thing. If I can stay clean for another couple of years I’ll be able to get it all back with interest. But that’s just a dream. A dream I can hopefully accomplish.

[Adam26]

Had a close moment the other day. I was feeling down after a fall out with the lady. I was bombarded with offers online for free money for signing up to a certain betting site. I made it as far as filling in a profile but buckled when I had to put in my credit card details. If it accepted me without that I’m sure I’d be gambling away right now, pissing away 47 weeks hard work. It’s definitely been hard at the moment. I’ve mentioned before that there’s a new bandit at work. I’m just drawn towards people playing it like a moth to a flame. I’m constantly encouraging people to go for it. Dry gambling I believe it’s called. It’s not good for me, but it’s the best I can allow myself. Even after so long it’s still so hard to resist. Do people that have been off for years still get the urges I wonder? Probably. I’m probably too weak to completely rid myself of all temptation, but all I can do is try and avoid slipping up one day at a time.
I just bought a new phone today as well. More expense. Need to be more careful to save now. It was a luxury item I didn’t really need. But I’ve not really spent anything on me for a while.
Bye for now guys.

[Adam26]

Hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Year. I had work pretty much none stop over the holidays. Managed to have a nice Christmas dinner with family in between.
Really struggled with my conscious a few times over this new bandit they have at work. There’s been more than a few occasions I’ve had to talk myself out of giving it a try. I’m really just chugging away, trying to reach this year mark. Hopefully I won’t see that as the peak of my achievements and fall back into old habits. It’s creeping up on a year now. I targeted 10k in my savings. I know now that it was a fairly optimistic task. But as it stands I’ve managed to save £7k in my account. Not quite the 20k I lost. But it’s a pretty damn good start. It annoys me to think of what I could of had if I’d put this much effort into saving before I fell so heavily into gambling. We can’t change the past though. Only learn from it.
Stay safe everyone.

[Adam26]

Coming up on 300 days on Monday. This must be equal or possibly just over the longest I’ve gone without gambling for about 15 years! Still need to get up to that year mark. That will be a massive achievement and one which I never thought I’d get to.
It was my birthday on Monday. My partner paid for me to get another tattoo. It’s something I’ve wanted to get for a few years and I’ve finally done it. Ever since I saw The Dark Knight I’ve been obsessed with Heath Ledger’s portrail of The Joker. So I got his face permanently inked on my arm.
I managed to buy a nice present for my mums birthday. Ive sorted all my Christmas presents too. I’ve even got money to spare. All thanks to not gambling. There was a time that the quality of presents would be determined by how well I’d done on the bandits… Not anymore. Hopefully never again!
All the best everyone. I’ll post next gamble free year!

[Adam26]

I guess now is a good time to check in. I recently had a brush with gambling again. Sort of. The mad gambler that I’ve mentioned before had one of his crazy days earlier in the week. He always manages to capture me by starting to gamble really late at night. So by the time it’s closing, he’s lost loads and I feel bad for him. So I end up letting him stay a bit longer. Thing is, as the money flows, so does the time, and I ended up leaving at half 4 in the morning. He ended up leaving £750 down after putting in £1000 and coming off with £250… He came in the next day and put in another £50 and even though he knows I’m trying to stay away, he did his best to convince me that I’d win if I went for it. I must admit, I thought about it A LOT. I had £20 in my wallet that I kept looking at. I’d just watched him put £1050 in with very little return and I was struggling to convince myself that if I played next, surely it was time to pay out. Of course, in the end I convinced myself that if I’d played next, I could easily be a grand down myself. It’s just not worth it after all the effort I’ve put in so far to stay away. I’m as close as Ive ever been to making that elusive one year mark! I need to stay on this path. My savings still aren’t getting much better, but I’ve afforded a few bits for myself and some expensive presents for my gf and mother. I guess in time, the savings will, hopefully, take care of themselves.

[Adam26]

Enjoyed my week off. Alton Towers was good. Very quiet too. Back down to earth now. In work on my day off… Rock n roll!

Having a happy gamble free day. Hope you are too. Stay strong everyone!

[Adam26]

Just checking in guys. Letting you all know, whilst also letting myself know, I’m still free of gambling. Been a busy boy recently. As usual I’m constantly at work. I took the weekend off just gone to help a friend out. He runs a retro games shop for a guy he knows, so I was drafted in to help out at a big convention over the weekend. Turned out to be two 15 hour days and I was shattered. I do less work at my actual job. I guess it was something different though. And I got paid 120 quid and 3 free meals a day. Happy day. That money will go towards Alton Towers next week.
Anyway, that was me just checking in. Stay strong everyone!

[Author]

Posts