[Adam26]

So last night at work I had a row with one of the people who knows what I’ve done. Basically all he can muster up, every time he brings it up, is that after the first time I clawed my money back, I should of quit then. “I’d of stopped after that first time you got it all back”. Cheers bud, sound advice. I told him, no you wouldn’t. If you’d been gambling the sums of money I had for the continual length of time I had, you wouldn’t of stopped at all. “Yes I would”… This is a guy that chases a hundred pound loss until he’s nothing left. Telling me he’d of stopped. After I told him I was a compulsive gambler he even had the nerve to tell me I wasn’t. This is what annoys me most I think. If I told people I was a drug addict they’d sympathise. When I tell people I’m a gambling addict they laugh and tell me I’m not…
But it’s obvious I was never going to stop. Anyone with half a brain knew after everything I’d put myself through to get back to where I was, it was never going to be enough. There can never be too much. Only too little. After I’d made my money back, all I could think about was making more. Sure, I lasted about a week, bought a few luxury items, but I was always going to go back.
I needed that loss. People will never be able to wrap their heads round it. But I needed to lose it all before I could come to terms with what I am. If I still had that money in there, I’d still be gambling with it. That’s a fact.

[Adam26]

Cheers guys. I know what your saying. I don’t think the £7 to win £500 is a lie though. I’ve had it myself before. I put two £2 coins in and dropped the £500 on my third press. I also remember one time I found a 20p piece in the tray. So I put it in and tried two spins on 10p. I got five 7’s right across. £50 jackpot. But for every good story I can remember, there’s probably 10 stories I don’t want to remember. Once you’ve put £500 in a machine that pays out a maximum jackpot of £500, you know your fooked! Countless times I’ve taken my max out the cash machine only to wait till midnight so I could go do the same again. I probably shouldn’t say, but I’ve also borrowed money from the safe at work to gamble. I’ve always paid it straight back though. But the fact that thousands of pounds were readily available to me on a nightly basis were always a temptation. Many times I’d thought about quitting my job, but I’ve been there for 14 years, worked up from the bottom to the second in charge. I know in a few years I’ll be running the bar if of course the place stays open.
I really need to draw a line under this for good. I can just imagine now what I could do with an increased wage. But as it’s been said countless times, you’ve gotta take each day as it comes. For me, this is day 22. A day over three weeks and counting. I definitely feel better about not playing. But after three weeks, I’m still cut pretty deep about what I’ve thrown away.

[Adam26]

Cheers Mav. Just seeing one person understand my bullshit on here is good for my morale. I was talking to a guy at work last night. The dude is absolutely loaded. He was telling me that he’s starting to get addicted to the £1 a spin bandit where I work. He told me he can put up to £100 a night in there and he comes in between 3 and 5 nights a week. This guy might put a lot in, but he seems to do it at the right times because he always tends to be lucky. Sure enough, a bit later in the night, he was handing me a ticket for £500. Only cost him £7 to win it… Seriously!? With that kinda win, addicted or not, your definitely going back on it another time aren’t you!? That’s the problem. That first win. I’ve seen people who never even contemplate gambling get a little win on that machine and never looked back… Not to the extent of some idiots like me, but there’s definitely a trigger that goes off after you see that first win.
That trigger went off for me pretty early in life. I used to go to a lot of arcades in town when I was young. I live in a seaside town that is packed with them. Packed with arcades, but more importantly, un-policed arcades. So it was easy to gamble as a kid. The only obstacles at the time being other kids that wanted to either take your money OR help you win the jackpot… and then take your money. I shall take one example. I used to go to maybe 4 or 5 regular arcades that had specific machines that we had mastered. We being me and my friend, let’s call him Chris. Because that’s his name… or is it? Anyway, we’d walk into the first place with our money firmly stuffed in our socks. If it was quiet, time to play. If there were a few unsavoury types in, move to the next place. So we ended up in a place we didn’t often frequent and tried a few machines that were new to us. I was playing one machine with a kinda ‘Space and Rockets’ theme to it. I remember I got a win, got on the board and won £10. £10 was a pretty reasonable win at the time so I was happy. Only ‘problem’ was, I got the repeat option. I swear, every time the repeat option came up, the lights were flashing brighter than any other machine and the sound effects louder. It seemed to go on for an eternity. Every time I tried for a repeat I got it. I remember clearly thinking, I wish this would end so we could get out of there. With every repeat I could feel more eyes on me. My friend being my look out just in case. Like I said, it must of lasted a life time, but in the end the repeat finally stopped and I ended up with just over £100 I believe. After a nervous (what seemed like) 16 hours! of coins hitting the tray as I waited for my winnings to present themselves, I scooped them up into my pockets and we legged it out of there.
That’s the kind of thing that happened regular when I was a kid. I loved the thrill of going out and playing, not necessarily winning, just being there and getting a buzz. I guess I should of known when to stop. When the buzz stopped. When it became a chore instead of a pleasure. But we live and learn.
“you can’t truly appreciate the top if you haven’t hit rock bottom”.

[Adam26]

Starting to really wonder if this site is good for me? It’s nice to be able to record my thoughts i guess, but really it’s just those day numbers clocking up that i always rely on to help me. I used to count them on the works calendar whenever i had a bad spell and wanted to stop. My previous record was just over 42 weeks i believe. Never gone a year as long as I’ve been gambling. But I’ve been reading over some peoples older posts and although there’s a lot of tragedy through those pages, there’s also a lot of glamor between the lines. I read a long post that someone did last year describing the thrill and rush of gambling on slot machines. The post finished up telling how terrible they felt after the event, but all I read at that point was blah, blah, blahh. I’m not trying to offend anyone, but by the time I’d read the first bit, all those sweet memories of gambling came flooding back. The next paragraph could of been the meaning of life and I’d still not been interested! At this point right now, right now in my head, all I want to do is gamble. I think I’ve even gone past the point of wanting my money back. Just want the feeling of seeing that reel spin and have your heart skip a beat as the reel settles, displaying a healthy win or a disappointing loss.
I miss the feeling of not being able to spend money too. I mean, sure, I’ve scraped back two grand so far, so I could easily afford a little luxury or two. But I’m stuck in save mode at the moment. I’m really dedicated to building my savings back up. The downside to this is that I’m still selling things I’ve collected over the years for, in some cases, less that they’re worth. Which bugs me with every sale. I’m still adamant that my very top, rare items won’t be going anywhere. I know they’re only ‘things’ but I’ve worked hard for these ‘things’ and I think losing them will do me more harm than good in the long run.
So here’s to 20 days… Tempted, but not turned.

[Adam26]

19 days now. I’m starting to come to terms with it all a bit more now. The realisation that I’m never getting my money back. I’m really impatient, so it’s killing me a little knowing that this is going to be a long drawn out battle.

[Adam26]

Breezing through these days now. Not got much on my mind today. Early shift at work. Just finished Boardwalk Empire. Sad about the ending, but I guess you really can’t be half a gangster… Back to work after tea, then that’s me till midnight.
Onward!

[Adam26]

Saturday again. Nobody at work again. I’m not feeling too itchy though so it’s cool. Had my dinner, got my one customer in, watching tele… All good in the hood.
Had some weird dreams last night. I dreamt that I had four grand in my savings and I was moving it into my normal account so I could gamble. I never got up to the point where I won or lost, just the moving money between accounts with the intentions of gambling online. It was a pretty horrible feeling. I also had a dream that I’d told my mother. She was disgusted with me and we’re going over all the things I wasn’t allowed to do or buy until I’d made the money back.
I told my boss I was gonna knock the tote double on the head for obvious reasons. He just laughed a bit and said it was only a quid a week. Although I agree to a certain extent that it’s only a pound and I’d make it back in tips within 10 minutes, that’s not the point. He’s one of only two people I’ve told and he doesn’t inderstand. All I get from the other guy is, I wish you’d stopped the first time you won it all back. Well thanks for that… So basically I can’t talk to anyone because nobody takes gambling seriously as an addiction. I’m sure if I was a coke head they wouldn’t say, it’s just one bump a week, can’t do any harm!
On another note, I sold another pair of match boots on eBay. Didn’t get what I was hoping for. Not too pleased about that. But at least it’ll cover the Gerrard’s I mentioned earlier.
17 days boi!

[Adam26]

Busy day today. Been preoccupied so it’s been fine. Just checkin in to check in. Still going well. 16 days and counting!

[Adam26]

Not had a bad day today. Need to pay someone £160 for some previously arranged autographs by Stevie Gerrard. A reminder of a time not so long ago that I was quick to spend big on my hobby. On a positive note, I’ll get much more than that when they go on eBay soon to cover costs. Gotta save up for a match I’m going to at the end of the month too. Savings aren’t seeing many new friends at the minute.
I was pretty irritable last night. I had a regular gambler staying late at work. Usually I don’t mind stopping back a bit so they can play, as I always like to watch and join in. But everything about it was annoying me last night. Not least the 30 minutes extra I was at work without pay. Anyway, he ended up with nothing, obviously. I locked up and went home annoyed that my time was wasted. If only I’d felt like that when it was my own money. There had been a few occassions I’d left work as the sun was coming up, hundreds maybe over a thousand quid down. Just really sad, depressing, embarrassing walk of shame home to think about the amount of times I’d have to visit the cash machine to draw out the £300 limit.
Here’s to hoping I’ve walked that last walk…

[Adam26]

10 days down now mate. You can do it…
Me and you can race each other to a year!
We’ll not bet on it though…

[Adam26]

Had to get my bike fixed today. New tyre, inner tube, brake cable and break pads. £47 in total. Not as bad as I was expecting, but still, it’s fifty quid I didn’t really wanna part with. Spent plenty of time today thinking about ways to get my money back. Obviously gambling always at the forfront of any ideas. Something else popped back into my head that I hadn’t thought about for a while. When I was gambling frequently throughout the years, I always had one rule. Never go under £10,000 in my life savings. After both my grandparents died I was left £10,000 in their joint will to give me a good start later in life. I always said I’d never touch that money. But somewhere in the last couple of months, I was so desperately hooked on the chase that I totally forgot I was pissing all over their memory. I don’t believe in God or the afterlife, so I’m happy knowing they’re not looking down on me with great disappointment. Although they probably should be…
When will it get easier?

[Adam26]

13 days today. I used to think that once I’d done a week, the problem was behind me. I feel sick to my stomach today as I write this. I thought it best to come on here and write in my journal. I’ve been very itchy and in my head all day today. I’ve been constantly thinking about how I’m going to claw back the money I’ve lost. It’s going to take a couple of years to even be anywhere close. All I can think at the moment is, if I just start gambling my wages every week maybe I can occasionally win the odd grand to put into my savings. I know if even once I lost my wages one week I would just dive into my savings to make it back up. I’ll never be able to escape this nightmare. I still don’t feel comfortable telling anyone. I just can’t face another emotional kick in the bollocks. I think I’ve pretty much decided I can’t tell my partner. She’d never be able to understand and relate to my problems. She won’t see them as problems, she’d see it as just wasting money instead of something I couldn’t control at the time.
I did something silly earlier. I google searched for Dynamite Digger, which is the video slot I played all the time. It took me to Labrokes online casino. I went as far as looking at the sign up page that would let me ‘quick sign up with paypal’. I thought about the £66 I currently know is available in my paypal. But what’s £66 when my average spin was always £40. It’s probably been the worst day since I last gambled today. Not helped by the fact someone just went of the bandit at work and I heard that pound coin bypass the hopper and nestle in the bottom box, clearly shouting over to me “I’m full and ready to drop”…
Feeling weak… Must plod on…

[Adam26]

Had to nip to town today for some art supplies. Just another thing to keep me busy when I’m feeling the urge.
I was watching the football last night. It annoys me how frequent there are adverts for gambling, before and after the game. Not to mention half time where they really push the odds. It’s pretty annoying to see. You don’t see adverts for drug addicts do you? Is gambling not as addictive as say alcohol or cigarettes? Might just be me, but I get the feeling if I told someone I was addicted to drugs they’d be more sympathetic. But if I said I was addicted to gambling, they’d just say, well just stop gambling. Can addiction really be put in an order?
I’m just babbling now… But 12 days and counting.

[Adam26]

That’s 11 days straight now. 11 days updating this journal. It definitely helps I think… Sunday night is tote double night at my work. If your not familiar with this, basically you pick two numbers between 1 and 30 and if they both come out, you win £100. This is something I do every week, shared with my boss at £1 each. I guess it might be a good time to seek opinions on wether this is still a good idea to pursue? I guess in a way it’s still gambling. But it’s manageable as we only ever do £1 each and it’s split two ways. Interesting one. It’s not something I could ever lose thousands on, but is it a gateway perhaps… I don’t know. But for now, eleven days and counting.

[Adam26]

Saturday today. I always found Saturday a hard day at work. Not because my jobs particularly taxing, the complete opposite in fact. I get in just before 1, then settle down in front of the TV with my weekly chippy dinner. The only customer I get during the day joins me, so it’s easy to manage the bar. Then by about half 1, with no sign of any actual work to be done, I’ll start getting itchy fingers. I used to tell myself, just go a tenner. But when it’s a pound a go, a tenners not lasting much more than a minute or two. Inevitably once I lose that I’d set on the path to chasing. Everyone knows chasing a machine is how they make their money. Chances are, once you get past £100, your never making that back again. Reminds me of a few Saurdays back. I came in to a message left for me by a fellow gambler at work. The message was simply, I’ve put a fortune in the 20p bandit and it’s definitely ready to go. It only takes a few quid to realise when a machine is ready to pay out and indeed it was. Only problem is, although it’s full and ready to pay out, that doesn’t nececerrely mean it has to do it right away. It can take £2, it can take £200. So there I was, half past 12, ‘working’. So I’m running back and forth between the bar and the bandit as people are wanting to be served. It took me nearly 3 hours and £220 to finally drop the £250… Five minutes later I put the £30 in the other £1 bandit and lost it straight away. Completely wasted day. The life and times of a CG.

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