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hi Jonny, well done on day 5, keep those few days in front of me, i’m enjoying having something to chase :)…..much more rewarding than chasing a losing bet 😉

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so i have day 1 under my belt again, it got off to a bumpy start after for some reason i bought some scratchcards on 1st January, i actually did this without thinking and i have no idea as i dont usually but as they were a trigger point for me on boxing day i am classing them as gambling so technically i gambled on the morning but i have set my counting app from the point of buying them and i now accrued over a day, a shaky start but more of a learning curve than giving in to the need of gambling so i feel ok about it 🙂

i tried to self exclude today but when i walked into the bookies there was too many people there and i felt embarrassed as nobody sees what i lose as i use the self terminals, they only see when im collecting and see me as a professional gambler or something. i know it sounds stupid but thats how i felt, so i pretended to put a bet on at the terminal and walked out. there is a number you can call if you dont want to go into the bookies and do it and it excludes from every bookies in the uk, not sure how it works but that sounds perfect for me. i tried to phone today but it was answering machine as today is technically a bank holiday.
it would be heaven if i was banned from everywhere.

today i did not gamble :)…get in!!

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i gambled again today, no big surprise, i knew i was going to, i’m still chasing my losses from yesterday, i have most of it back, the bit i have lost is the extra i won the other day, of course i want to win it all back but i have made my peace with that loss.
this addiction is hopeless and is not i cannot defeat it
i will never stop gambling
my life will never have an ounce of quality as i am going to dedicate me whole being to gambling
i am happy to gain nothing in return
i accept that i will end my life early

OK THAT TRASH TALK STAYS IN 2016!!!

come on 2017 i am ready for you.

i know it is a cliche starting on new years day but there is just something about that day that motivates you to try that little bit harder. i am taking my life back, my friends, my family, everybody thinks i dont want them to contact me as that has how i have made them feel over the years, when you are gambling, you have no room for distractions. its like working for the CIA or something, in fact i reckon i am now qualified to work in that job.

i am that serious about going into the new year and succeeding that i haven’t gone out tonight, i dont need alcohol to distort my thinking and i dont need to wake up with a hangover to make me feel lazy and un-motivated.

i will phone my grandma and tell her i love her, it makes her so happy to hear those words but i never make time for her. i am not a selfish person but gambling makes the devil look like he has a halo on stood next to me.

i am going to sort out a load of clothes and take them to the homeless shelter, it’s time to give back to society and contribute to someones happiness.

jonny you need to stay a few days in front of me, give me something to chase 😉

i am going to go and watch that video now.

peace everybody, happy new year and here is to a gamble free January 1st 2017

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i have previously read over your thread and recognised that your journey was a lot tougher than mine needs to be but that i am heading in the same direction. i could probably be debt free in a few years if i stop now, and that is a powerful statement about insanity, prison or death as sometimes death seems the only way to be released from this demon but i dont actually want to die and i can still turn this around. i just need to get some distance again as that seems to be crucial to believing i can actually turn this around. i feel fortunate to have find this site and to see how everyone has this fight but they never give up, that gives me hope 🙂

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i am going to try and pop into the 8 o’clock one. i gambled today, i knew i would. i gambled a lot to win a little, i lost twice and then got most of it back, not all of it but most of it. i just seemed to have hit self destruct and im keeping my head just above water. i will take that power back 🙂

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I really appreciate you sharing that with me, i guess in those 7 years before you managed to make 2016 gamble free you too had times when it all felt hopeless. Nobody but a gamblers appreciates the struggles. I self excluded from my online account last night, i know i should have done it sooner, i don’t know why i didn’t, i probably wanted to feel I had some control over it. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me last night

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Vera i dont have anyone i trust completely with my finances. the crazy thing is, i haven’t lost a lot of money today, it is still ok, it’s the fact that i didnt want to gamble i really really didnt yet i didnt seem to have a choice.
i have worked since i was 15, i am now 41 and have nothing to show for it…..if i am honest Vera, your thread got me through 14 days, i got to see life without gambling, i didn’t just give up for 14 days, i followed your journey : )

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you are so right and i thought i nailed it, i slipped up and now i feel this force field around me, consuming me, its ridiculous. i see it for what it is and i dont see a positive outcome. i actually googled today information on how not to leave debt when you die as i dont want my parents having one last reason to resent me.
i am a strong person but i can’t fight this, i don’t drink so i think maybe…..i dont know.

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hi i-did-it thank you so much for commenting, i saw you briefly in chat last night but i was trying to get a feel of the place and it ended.
firstly you absolutely do not sound shallow or giving a lecture, the fact you are rewarding yourself with actual things is a really good thing because as you know a gambler will never spend gambling money.
i cant really hand over my money to anyone as my mum would take it for herself, i love her but her will power is colder than antarctic and i dont want to put her in that position and i am not generally a negative person and i will through my heart and soul into something but for some reason ( i never decided to quit before) the feeling of being consumed by something i cant seem to beat is taking my desire to fight and live and become the person i want to be.
how long did it take you to stop?i know how hard it must have been so from my heart i genuinely thank you and say….well done 🙂

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the fact that i now want to leave it behind but seemingly cant is what is now making life an issue, i have convinced myself for so long that i was happy with my lifestyle that all issues have been left undetected.
i read you posts and i am so particular over the key points that offer value to a persons life, those minute details that many people overlook and i feel what you write and i believe for a moment that i could reach that point too and then something i can only identify as an alien takes over and everything becomes distance.
i dont even want to take part in gambling anymore, i dont seem to have a choice, i have been given 41 years, i think that is enough to realise i have nothing to offer. all i can do is press “place bet”

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i thought i could do this Vera, i really wanted to be at the place you are at right now and i thought i was strong enough to do this.

nothing is rational but this little voice inside of me keeps fighting me, i just dont want to be this person anymore but i cant stop it, it feels like some horror movie that i have rolled my eyes at many times over. i feel that my existence is so unimportant right now that whatever i decide will not matter . today i gambled and today i wished i was anybody but myself

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today i gambled, no i didnt want to but i did anyway. tonight i thought i was going to lose a bet so i bet a second bet to cover my losses, the first one won but the second one lost and because of that im now a little behind, i know i will gamble tomorrow, i have already picked out my teams.
losing those 14 days meant more than i could imagine.
i feel consumed, overpowered, helpless and out of control
if i truly believed in re-incarnation i would absolutely hit the reset button right now and hope i can come back as a worthwhile human being that has something to offer the universe, but i am a gambler right? that means i believe in 50/50 right? so why dont i take a gamble with my life?…….i need to think about this one, i feel like i am consumed with something that i dont want…..i don’t know what to do right now, i dont want to be a gambler, i dont want to live as someone who is consumed, i want to be normal, i dont know how this journal will end right now but i know i tried, for a small amount of time, i tried…..

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hi Vera and thank you for your kind words, good point about not being able to take my 14 days away, i never thought about it like that. You are right as if i hadnt have won my money back then i know %100 i would going and going until i was on rock bottom yet again. you know you are doing it but you just cant fight it. the only way you can stay in control is by not doing it in the first place. i actually woke up the morning with that familiar feeling of having to face another sorting out the mess i made until i remembered that i hadnt got to that point this time, it was a familiar reminder of how easy it could have been reality.
i was looking at chat and i think the next one is midnight my time (im uk) but if i am up i would like to drop in

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firstly i would like to say that i hope everyone had a happy and gamble free Christmas.
so….i got to day 14, day 14 after 21 years of gambling, feeling so hopeful and this happens:-
Christmas morning and i am opening cards, there’s a scratchcard in one, i freeze, i ask myself if this breaks my clean record, i paced and pondered and thought, no its ok i didnt buy it and ive never had an issue with scratchcards, so i scratch and win £10…great. the next morning i exchange for 2 more, knowing that im on the borderline of breaking my days but i still rationalise it. i scratch, i lose grrrr, why didnt i just take the £10? and then it happened, i bought some more and some more and some more, probably about £50 in total. what the hell!! i didnt really have that money to lose, i knew i had broke my 14 days which i was most annoyed about. so i drove to the bookies 2 times and drove away talking myself out if it. the 3rd time i knew i wasnt going to drive away, the thing is in the past, no matter how much i had lost once i had got my hands on some more money, that was all that mattered, i would feel that high knowing i was going to gamble and nothing else in the world mattered for that small amount of time. this time on boxing day, driving to the bookies, i felt angry and sick and so down with myself but i knew i wasnt going to turn away, i put on a £200 and felt no joy. i lost that bet by one goal and i knew where i was going. i put on another £200 to recover my first losing bet and the scratchcards and some extra for my troubles. it looked like that was a losing bet too and i was already working out what bills can i avoid paying, i had hit self destruct. i wasnt going to stop. in that moment i had given up on myself and i was back to those feelings of self loathe. as it happens, the last kick of the game won my bet and i got everything back. i wasnt happy, of course i was relieved that i had my money back but that’s it. i gambled yesterday and today, not that its ok but it was literally small amounts of money, just enough to have some extra in my pocket. i went to the bank today and put it all back in so its not lying around for me to dip into. i feel like that makes me in control again, that i dont need to give up gambling as i have been quite controlled the last couple of days THAT IS THE WORST THING A GAMBLER CAN TELL THEMSELVES. of course if i carry on, it will go back in time and time again and more on top, or i can start day 1 again from a “lesson learnt” position as i know that i will only be back from a place of self despair again like i was a few weeks ago. it didnt feel good this time when i gambled, i didnt get that heart pump that i normally do, i am ready to accept falls and to keep getting back up until i beat this.
this christmas i realised what a lonely existence i had made for myself, i always see everybody before xmas so i can lock down the hatches and be left alone to gamble on xmas and boxing day, i have been so good at pushing people away that they dont even make offers anymore, thats my doing. i took my Grandma out xmas eve and saw my parents and hadnt realised how old they have got, like life has literally been passing me by and that breaks my heart. if i ever went to visit i would always be checking scores on my phone and not paying attention to them and always leaving before the bookies shut. tomorrow i will start my day 1 again, day 1 is psychologically difficult as you dont have anything to hang onto or lose on day zero. i will be starting the new year exactly as i mean to go on and no more scratch cards as they obviously become a substitute for me not gambling. i am such an idiot but thankfully i didnt add any more debt to my life. onwards and upwards!

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My flu is getting a lot more bearable now, I’m still drinking your remedy 🙂 and i have just broken up from work so that should help.
I totally agree about the money, unfortunately i have no one i trust to hold my finances, i don’t live neary parents and i don’t want to disappoint them by telling them what I’ve done with my money over the years, they wouldn’t understand as they have struggled with money over the years and would feel sickened at my waste. Plus my mum used to steal my savings when i was little and i cant risk something like that triggering me off.

I’ll get the £100 in next months wage which is 5 weeks away, my solution has only ever been to gamble, it’s amazing how i always find money for that but not for anything else.
I was supposed to be picking up a laptop yesterday that i had reserved (second hand one) i really wanted it and normally in this situation i would gamble and put enough on to win enough for the laptop and some left over. This time i had a long think about it, decided i don’t really need it right now and when my finances are better i can buy myself a new one, so i explained to the shop, they gave me my £20 deposit back plus i didn’t have to hand over £140 yesterday to pay it off so in theory I’m £160 better off with that extra money coming in 5 weeks time. I feel good about how i handled it and used the money to fill the car and buy some treats for xmas. Xmas is my next milestone. I’ve been looking forward to xmas gambling for weeks.
I really appreciate how you still drop in on this site Vera, most people probably disappear once they feel like they have mastered staying free of gambling but you still come here and give people like me the opportunity to see what it’s like to turn things around. I for one am very grateful for that as you have been one of my inspirations, you and somebody called Andy who’s journey prompted me to document mine so thank you

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