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it has become a real battle but i read everyone’s tips and i know that as hard as it is, the choice is always mine and each day i need to try and make the right choice. i’m working tonight so that should provide a distraction at least 🙂

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i wonder if some people are shocked at the lengths a gambler will go to just to get enough to get that bet on, when i read things of your past Geordie i know i haven’t got there but i believe it wouldn’t take too much to reach those lengths, when you read about a heroin addict the traits are quite similar yet finding help is a lot harder.
so i was going to sell my fire stick today but they wouldn’t accept it as it’s a european plug, i tried to pawn my games console but they wouldn’t accept it due to the fact it has no control pad ( i sold that a few weeks ago) so then panic mode set in as i have now just wasted petrol that i didn’t have to waste. i have spent the last few hours stressing about this and i put an expensive watch on facebook that hopefully is going to sell tonight. i can’t believe i am in this position where i work so many hours and can’t afford £10 to put in the car.
on the plus side the office where i am going to get therapy from phoned today and said i will be doing a 45 min assessment over the phone this week and then take it from there so that is moving along quite quickly which is what i need. one day at a time and so far today i have not gambled

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hey Geordie, yeah a PHD would come easy to you in that subject 😉 you are so right though and that’s exactly how i would be putting a bet on, that line you wrote “what’s the worst that can happen if i don’t put a bet on” and “i might win, i’ve had loads of them and what do i have to show for it” is such a good statement as a gambler forgets that wins arent actually wins anymore.
i didn’t gamble yesterday, i really want to have a some days abstaining before i start therapy for recovery.
selling my stuff sucks but i am only selling small stuff that i can easily replace, today i am going to sell my fire stick which will give me enough money for petrol as i don’t have enough till payday. i will replace it though as it was a gift and i feel cheap as shit selling something that someone bought me but i need to on this occasion
today i wont gamble

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hi i-did-it i didn’t actually know that GA had stuff to read on their site, i like to read literature esp when i connect to it so i will check that out..thank you
i slept until the shop shut that i sell my stuff to so there was no chance of putting a bet on yesterday 🙂

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Jonny please don’t apologise as i know that it was coming from a good place, that you was trying to help me away from the sports betting that i am addicted to, i did read it and think that it wasnt a good idea for me as i would only use it as a distraction to facing up to the reasons why i am gambling and inevitably i would end up gambling again. i know nothing about it so i dont feel an urge to go and check it out or have a go and i know i wont. please dont worry, i have followed your journey and i wish i was still a couple of days behind you but it’s nice knowing you are going forward with this addiction 🙂

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right now i want to gamble, well i don’t want to gamble but the urge is there. as i was driving home from work they mentioned a match that was on later and how it’s set it to have goals blah blah…talk about trigger point and have already decided to sell something small that i can easily replace but will give me enough petrol for work as i don’t think i have enough till pay day and a little bit left for some food if needed. i decided i was going tomorrow to sell but then i was thinking, ok if i can go today then i can put a bet on, on the way back. i had a bit of a face off with my demon and decided i was going to log in here and tap it out of my system on the keyboard until it passes. i really want to go into therapy showing that i am serious by abstaining until then, i have an opportunity and i want to work at it to get what i can from it and start a journey of recovery.
stupid thing is that i am at the point where i can only put a few quid in and get an insignificant amount back yet without gambling it’s enough for petrol and food.
i have just finished day 6 of the 10 extra shift days that i wanted to do to pay some of the money i had wasted but now it’s more like 15 to do due to recent gambling. i havent had a day off since september and are exhausted but it’s good to learn some appreciation back of the money i waste

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it’s amazing to think that you was once in this situation, living one day to the next as that seems so far from the place you are at right now in your life. you words always land with such warmth, insight and knowledge for which i am truly grateful for

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today i gambled, i put some juice in the car (barely enough to last till pay day) and i gambled the rest which was to last me 2 weeks…i feel empty, actually i dont feel empty, i’m just empty. i know i dont want to gamble and i’m in no means feeling sorry for myself about it but the physical strength that it has on me right now is unbelievable, it’s like all those cartoons you watch when you are little ( and a little grown up too ) when there’s a dark cloud or spirit that consumes the good character making them evil but it’s not really them, it’s just the invasion of something bad.
Anyway i can imagine Geordie right now flinging his arms skywards and looking on this post in despair 😉 but i do have a more positive side to add to all this. i contacted netline tonight, it took me ages to pluck up the courage cos i didnt have a clue what my opening line was going to be but i needn’t have worried as the adviser was really calming and positive, she has referred me for counselling as she thinks thats the best place for me to start and i agree, i think i get 6-10 sessions and they fund it so i really want to make the most of that opportunity and it feels good that seeking proper help.
Geordie thanks again for taking the time to put so much into getting your message across, it may not always come across right but that may be more to do with how ready someone is to listen, i think the fact that you put so much emotion into your emails just means that you are coming from a good place and i wouldnt be looking for a place of recovery if you hadnt posted so thank you i truly hadnt made the connection between abstinence and recovery, as for your last post i really connected to a lot of that, obviously some of the gambling traits i could see in myself but also a picture of what rock bottom really looks like and it’s a place that anyone can find themselves at, while i have a roof over my head and work then it’s not rock bottom but it so easily can be, you have been through so much due to this addiction that it becomes more clear why you across so strongly in your posts.
i am going to delete a sports app off my phone in a minute so that i cant get enticed by randomly having a look to see what matches are on, i didnt think an app was a big deal but the thought of deleting it automatically brings up something that is arguing against me so i know it has to go.
tomorrow i have no money to gamble but i have things to sell so i have to be on my guard, i dont want to gamble as i want to enter into therapy sessions by already putting in some work.
up in a few hours for work (again ) i havent had a day off since the end of september so hopefully i can start replacing some of my losses.

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hi, Monicau i really think that finding a way to stop all these letters will significantly improve your mental well being. easier said than done i know but a year ago when i came here, i probably still hadn’t hit rock bottom but i had constant letters, phone calls, emails and knocks at the door, i literally couldnt earn enough to pay for my monthly outgoings so i was constantly boring and gambling inbetween, i would wake up and feel ok for 30 seconds until it all came rushing back and would hate the fact that i was allowed to wake up, i was so stressed and alone. i know and appreciate that stepchange wont work for everyone but that was the place i eventually turned to and they put a stop to all the letters and phonecalls etc, only then could i start to function as a normal human being again. my point being (not particularly going to stepchange )is to try and deal with all this debt as it wont go away and it will just carry on weighing you down. have you tried citizen advice bureau? you are allowed a basic amount to live on off your own money (which is usually a fair amount) and after that the creditors will be offered a token gesture, i was like you about not wanting to go down the bankruptcy route or even IVA i think my debt had escalated to around £20000 which isnt a lot compared to others but it was a huge amount for me. the most important thing is to get some help to intervene with these companies that are contacting you. off to work again but i will check in later this afternoon. take care

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today i gambled, i haven’t got quite enough money for bills as i of course gambled some of my pay day loan, i don’t have enough petrol for work, the dog has plenty of food and treats, i sold some minor things today to make enough to gamble to try and make up the bill money, i am taking more risks in my gambling so the odds are higher for pay out and even higher for losing (which i did). i find myself with no emotional attachment to winning or losing, it’s a strange feeling as normally i would be a wreck.
Anyway, i was reading back over Geordie’s comments and Monicau’s and i totally got it about abstaining and recovery and i realised that it’s right, i have never even started recovery, i only ever abstained, i was always destined to succumb to urges, it was totally nailed on ( in a non gambling sense) it’s actually given me hope to realise that i have been going about this all wrong ( big thanks for opening my eyes to that)
my small problem now is that i have no idea about recovery so i have googled it and i think my best first step is to do some online talking with gamcare and maybe set up some counselling sessions. i did try to connect earlier but they seem to be super busy on a friday night so i will try tomorrow after work as i am working all weekend again, i think i am coming up to 4 weeks without a day off but i want to clear my new debts up before the new year, i am exhausted but at least i am lucky enough to have the option to make a bit extra money as many arent so lucky.
i have £28 to last me 12 days (i also have a weeks worth of food in the house) i had picked out some bets for tomorrow to try and turn that into enough money to pay the bills but i realised, i am only £100 short, i get paid about 4 days after they are due so it’s not really that big a deal, was i actually amplifying it in my mind to almost justify gambling?
tomorrow i am going to use that £28 to put £23 of juice in the car which leaves me £5 for some fresh produce ( i hear it’s good for the overall well being of your mind) i am not going to gamble or justify the need to, the bills will get paid a few days late and that’s that.
tomorrow afternoon i am hoping to do some more work around what recovery actually means to a CG but for now i need to try and sleep as i am up at 04:00 for work 🙁

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i am 10 minutes from having to leave for work and have just read a couple of your posts. i am not sure where you are up to right now but i too am uk and you mention debt and letters, i was at the same point and every morning when i woke up i would get about 30 seconds of normality before it all came flooding back and i had to try and motivate myself to get out of bed which i still have over my gambling losses BUT in reference to debt i found stepchange a life saver, they took all my debt, contacted all the companies and i pay them a set amount each month to clear things off which i couldnt have done on my own, i was too fogged from all the problems. another thing you mention is not getting what you need from groups and the “boys club” sort vibe going on which is something that puts me off going. i dont know if you know but gamcare offer some individual session with a therapist, i can’t remember how many sessions it is but that may an option for you? i have to go to work now but just wanted to write a few lines to you. take care

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hi geordie,
ok first let me say thanks for taking the time to write all that despite it not being the most pleasant to read. when i first started reading i’m not sure how i felt but i wanted to log out and never return, like my pathetic attempts to give up weren’t worthy of this site, i felt defensive about what you was saying BUT i know those are mostly the feelings of the addiction inside of me that looks for any excuse to empower itself within me and luckily your post was long enough to stay and get past that and get more of a grasp of what you was saying.
maybe i am using the term “relapse” a bit loosely, i think i find it the easiest word to use based on how it feels at that point. when i gave up for 175 days i naively thought that i was “cured” that the longer time went the further from the addiction i was, it’s the first time i had really committed to not gambling and i wasn’t prepared for dealing with the urges that came that led me to gamble again, it came out of the blue and hit hard and the rate of how quickly that spiralled out of control scared the crap out of me but you are right, i am not quite at rock bottom and i am trying not to get there. i am also aware that i can easily start replacing the gambling with a different addiction so i really have to be careful about that also.
the payday loan was purely to cover some bills that i hadnt enough money for as i had chased my losses into bill money and yes i agree, it shouldnt be used as bail out or back up as it becomes another debt, another stress, another trigger to want to use gambling as a way out.
i probably haven’t done enough to build up a support network and took enough actions to prevent…..what word shall i use?….slipping but i do find this site a big help, more so than a secondary support as it was someone here who actually put expectations on me to exclude from bookies which was the first step to the 175 days of not gambling.
i know it can be frustrating listening to someone stop/start with their gambling but if you had of asked me 18 months ago what my goal was i would have said “to be at a place where i can put a bet on Saturdays, enjoy the banter and accept the losses” that was never going to possible and now my goal is to be in recovery, accept that recovery is for life and find the right tools to deal with negative gambling thoughts. i have shifted my mindset and the rest is a working process that i am still committed to.

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it is so frustrating when you know what you need/have to do but claiming that control back that gambling takes from you is such a battle. The more i relapse the more i realise that i really don’t like the person i am when i gamble, it’s a very isolated world but not to like yourself as a person is a big statement, i already placed a bet for today, i did this yesterday as i am working all day. i think the best option is for me to pay my bills early, fill the car and get some shopping in so there isn’t money left for gambling. i know i am ready for this and i am not giving up. last month i didn’t have food for 3 days, i bought the dogs food and treats, i had a little left for basic food for me but i gambled it and of course lost it, i swore i would never go there again and yet here i am again, 1 step away. GT is the only place where everything makes sense. You are all amazing individuals

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i took out a pay day loan today, i said i had a reserved amount to “chase” with but we all know that through all good intentions we are not going to stop at that reserved amount so yes, i delved into my bill money and so i had to borrow to make sure my bills were paid.
i have started to do equate the money lost on gambling to the hours of overtime i have worked and that is having some sort of an impact as i always say money just a process of gambling and not actually as real money ( if that makes sense)
i have absolutely nobody that i can turn my money over to, my parents would steal it and friends are very scarce these days due to me pushing people away. if i handed control to the wrong person and they stole it then i know for sure that would be a trigger point for my gambling.
i sometimes feel like Wallace (from wallace and gromit ) in the wrong trousers, with my legs marching in a direction they don’t want to go.
i need to pick the right live group as last time it was suggested that there may be a more appropriate room to enter into than before…

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today i gambled!
everything was going great, i got a bill for something i wasn’t expecting and hadn’t budgeted for but i was trying to think it through, i would be lying if i didn’t say that putting a bet on to cover the cost was the first thing that came to my mind as that’s a normal pattern for me but i got past it. i went to work on another extra day, it was a tough day but i reminded myself that i was recovering some of my losses and so i just got on with it, the sun was out, people were joking about ( i was working with a different shift than normal ) and then out came all the betting slips that the lads indulge in on a weekend, that’s the exact point that i knew i was going to relapse, i even thought about trying to get to a computer to write it out in my journal to try prevent it. i lost 3 times the amount that the bill was for (how ironic that i can always find money for gambling but panic at bills ) and about 5 of my extra days of working ( i have so far only done 3)i lost it all on one disallowed goal, that sucks so bad. i know that every single person that reads this will know how i am feeling right now so i will spare the details. the worst thing is i know i have a bit of money left over to try and chase some of my losses tomorrow. Addiction is a real pain in my ass!!

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