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you started your journey 1 week in front of me, look how far you’ve come…thanks for checking in Jonny

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just wanted to reply to this post, the way you explain gambling and that £20 that “can’t hurt” is exactly how i justify gambling, it’s almost like you are writing about me….oh wait, we are as one when it comes to gambling.
counselling is going to get everything i can put into it no matter how hard it gets 😉
i kinda got used to the man sign off…don’t change it ha

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so officially pay day today even though i was declaring it at midnight on Wednesday, it just sounded better to me.
i had all my overtime paid in and it felt nice for a minute until i had to catch up with last months bills, pay one of my 3 installments on my pay day loans before i even start on this months, having said that i given myself an allowance for the month, put a little into the savings, filled up the car and left a bit for any unknown charges which there is bound to be.
i would be lying if i said i hadn’t thought about gambling today, when i saw that money disappearing i did think about putting a bet on with low odds to try and re-coup some of that money but that was just the black shadow of manifestation within me (a.k.a the gambler) i actually felt a little selfish thinking that as well, as i know even on here, there’s people that would give anything to be able to work and be able to try and get on top of their debt, i have an opportunity as there hasn’t been extra shifts at work for a couple of years but due to a recent 2 week breakdown it’s been all hands on deck which ironically has come at a time when i needed it the most. it’s exhausting as i am working all weekend again but i also feel fortunate as without it i would be sat here now on payday with not enough to pay for last months gambling, i would be despairing and then i’d think “sod it, i don’t have enough money anyway so i may as well gamble what i do have and try and make some money” so no, i didn’t gamble and i thanked my lucky stars for making this month manageable.
i checked the football results tonight, not a good idea really but some of the matches i would have picked for my bets would have let me down so i would now be chasing! on the other hand if they had have won it may have triggered me into thinking my judgement is on point so it was ok this time but i am not sure that in this frame of mind it was the best idea.
i was thinking about relationships today and the prospect of having to tell someone that i meet that i am a (soon to be ) recovering gambler….one for another post but i wonder what people’s views are on complete openness?

i wanted to end with rather than starting with a big thank you to all posting on here and checking in. i have just finished work but wanted to connect with you all to say how much i appreciate your posts, i absorb everything like a sponge at the moment and i go onto your threads to see your journeys and you are all so inspirational just by being here.

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thanks i-did-it i am starting to connect with the powerless only when we place the first bet statement, i didn’t really get it before.
day 11, pay day at midnight tonight and i feel good about it, i cant wait to transfer into my savings account, won’t be much but that’s not important, the rest is going to pay last months gambling debts and although its annoying, at least i am not sat there wondering how am i going to pay everyone like i usually am on payday.
felt good this morning, slept well and went for a long walk in the woods before i go to work in an hour. i wondered why i feel ok and despite trying to get loads of vitamins into my body to make up for the last six months of poor nutrition, i realised that yesterday the first appointment was made with my counsellor which is next tuesday after work, nervous and looking forward to it at the same time and i think it’s what’s actually helping me abstain. i am a little curious to why i have been allocated 12 sessions instead of the 6-10 that is normally recommended.
i am hoping to be working all weekend again too, that will equate to 9 of the 15 extra days i set myself to regain some of my lost finances, exhausting but yet another valuable lesson as 1 working saturday is what i would place on a single bet, several times a day if i could get my hands on the money. i have gambled some serious working hours but for today
i will not gamble! 🙂

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thanks Jonny & P it feels good but i also know that i have been at this place before and although i wont be as complacent again, it still is only one bad decision away from messing up but i also think it’s good to keep remembering that.
yesterday was day 7 of the 10 extra days that i committed myself to working to pay back some of my lost funds, well it’s actually now 15 since my last binge but i am getting there, haven’t had a day off since september and its tiring but i keep telling myself that 2 extra days of working is what i would lay down in a single bet without a second thought. Thursday is the when i get paid and i start to see some of those extra days, yes i am nervous but i plan to put some it into my savings account which i can never do when i am gambling and i am expecting to start therapy around soon so i have help in place to prevent that money going to the bookies, i actually don’t think i could bare to part with it in that way due to connection i am now making with hours worked to amount gambled.
today i will not gamble 🙂

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i remember one of your answers to this question about missing out on a win, that you’ve had plenty of those and look where it’s got you, kind of stuck in my head that as it’s so damn right. a win to me means that a loss is soon to be inevitable!
P, i am certainly ok with you calling me 3 🙂 i am just grateful that people stop by and comment and i really take on board what everyone says.
so i am on day 7 today and wow that has gone quick, Saturday is a twitchy day for me, i made sure not to look at any matches listed today as that could be a trigger point but i have just had a look at some scores, a lot of goals which made my little demon awaken in sleepy mode but i have managed to put it back to sleep. i was on night shift last night so i slept all morning and then i have been doing some major cleaning, it’s quite apparent that you have to replace the time you spent on gambling with something else, cleaning isn’t the worst thing i could be doing.
i have also noticed feelings of loneliness and a bit of self pity which isn’t really me but i was expecting this to creep up so i am ok with it.
no word from my councillor yet but i was told the end of last week beginning of next so that’s ok. i have a focus which i didn’t have before and i know i have said it before but i can’t thank Geordie enough for getting all grrr on me and pointing out that i never even started recovery yet. really could be a life changing lesson for me.
today i am not going to gamble

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who would have thought that Aldi would become such a topic of debate on GT site haha. In all seriousness you can eat healthy on a very low budget until you get back on your feet. when you shop at big supermarkets, all you do is line big share holders pockets with ridiculous amount of money, leave some of it in your own pocket 😉
i hope today is a good day for you, i read over your posts earlier and got to carvery and thought mmmmm
i think until we know the specific gender or a anonymous writer/animal/baby we always presume “he”. i have definitely leaned into a pram and made the comment of “oh he’s beautiful” much to the dismay of the parents 🙂

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just been reading through your posts, not sure why i hadn’t noticed it before but your journey to where you are now sounds one of bravery and determination, it’s never easy admitting your weaknesses and then asking for help and you certainly have grabbed the bull by the horns so to speak.
when you finish the 14 week program is there ongoing support for you? after reading through your posts i am sat at my keyboard really routing for you…you got this 🙂

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today was interesting, i got more for my watch than was expecting yesterday £50 in total which is more than i needed and i actually felt a little nervous about this. Today i put more than i needed in the car, went to the pet shop for some treats (for the dog not me) and then went to Aldi ( the supermarket of conversation at the moment ) and bought 2 bags full of fresh produce and some extras like juice, bread and a big pack of fresh chicken for the dog and some other stuff for a grand total of £12.41 🙂 i find in Aldi’s case that cheaper isn’t poor quality as their produce has more taste to it unlike supermarkets that actually change the DNA of fresh produce to make it bigger and last longer as that’s what they think the customer wants and another interesting fact, if you have a calorie counting app on your phone, if you scan some of the stuff in aldi’s it actually comes up as Tesco. i actually work for one of the biggest chocolate and candy manufacturers and years ago we used to make a lot of the stuff for the supermarkets even value stuff, it was no different just in different packaging so don’t be deceived by low prices 😉
anyway with that all done and feeling accomplished and a few quid left in my pocket i thought “well a little bet won’t hurt and i can’t chase as i have no more money” (my gambling voice of reason) i have a lot of work to do to recover and i want with all my being to abstain from gambling until i start recovery so i nipped to Tesco and although i could have bought something i didn’t need i actually got some bits and put it in the food bank holder, it was actually Monicau’s post that got me thinking about that and i also bought heinz beans as i took on board her point about it being all frills stuff and some tesco noodles and biscuits, i actually did this from a selfish point of view to make sure i didnt have money for gambling but it got me thinking, a few days ago i was panicking as i had little food and petrol and no money for 2 weeks, last month i went without food for a few days and it was hell, i am lucky as i have the choice at the moment not to be in that situation but so many people are in that situation every day of their lives. by me not gambling in the future means i will be in a healthy position to help out with food donations which has got to be a lot more rewarding than gambling.
today i will not gamble

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i checked out that poem you told me to read, powerful stuff isn’t it? really sums up the dark depths of despair that gambling drives us to but on the flip side it shows a persons strength that takes it on face to face in the way that you are doing. once you sort out your financial side i think a big weight will be lifted from you and you can move forward and reap the rewards you deserve from not gambling.

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have stayed away from looking at football and i if i do over the weekend my plan is to look AFTER the event and not before.
i have just had my assessment for counselling and it went really well, made me feel really at ease and recommended 12 sessions that gamcare are going to pay for. i know the road is long and i have a lot of work to put into this but i feel that i have been given an opportunity to really get into this addiction and turn it on it’s head. anyone that is thinking about it and are not sure, you don’t have to do face to face ( although i opted for this option) you can do phone or skype sessions.
i have some money going into my account on saturday from paypal and some money tonight from the sale of a watch, this is the first opportunity i will have to gamble since saturday but i am ok with this as i am going to focus on paying a couple of my bills off and getting some food and petrol and not listen to monster inside of me

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it’s really tough to find yourself in this place again but you can’t change what has happened, i imagine there is a lot of “what ifs” and “if onlys” constantly spinning around in your head but all you can deal with is today, self excluding is a big positive step.
one thing that was pointed out to me recently when i kept giving up and gambling again and thinking each time that i gave up i was in recovery and be ok this time, i was actually only abstaining from gambling and not taking steps to prevent me from gambling, i was set up to fail and now with that realization i am actually getting the help i need to kick this addiction.

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🙂 i have no issues with the Geordie “thing ” just thought i would probably be better letting you know when it came to “being a decent bloke” 😉 still a compliment either way though so i’m still claiming it!
well i am at work now and have successfully completed day 2 and i think the therapist is calling tomorrow so i am looking forward to getting the ball rolling on that one

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i cant see the last couple of messages you wrote on here but i have read them on my email so i just want to say thanks for kind offer to get me some petrol in my car but i have sold a watch ( it was a bit too big for and i didn’t wear it ) someone is coming for it tomorrow which means i dont have to sell the fire stick, that bothered me most as it was a gift, so the plan is to fill up tomorrow.
i probably was a decent bloke in a former life but in this one i am female ;), never got round to mentioning that earlier as it was of no relevance to me but based on your last compliment i thought i had better point that out 🙂
thanks again Geordie

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so if i only have a £1 then i can put £20 in? just checked my account and i only have 0.88p left of my £500 overdraft so typically on this occasion that wont work, i’d be nervous if i filled up that it declined and i would have a visit from the police. Hopefully i won’t need to try that in the future but it’s definitely worth knowing

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