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nobody would judge you for not going and i totally get that about not wanting to face people, you know it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself and just let go, it won’t last forever. sometimes it’s ok to not play recovery by the rules.
i can’t imagine what this ongoing saga with bailiffs is doing to your overall well being as i was in much lesser situation that had me feeling hopeless with no way out, whatever happens on the money front, once it is sorted and the bailiffs stop then you will see an improvement in your general well being.
emotions are very physical, i can’t access mine, i came out of therapy on Tuesday and instantly i felt like i had sucking sand through a straw, the headache was immediate, i felt sick and could have laid down in the road and slept ( you’ll be glad to hear that i didn’t) it was like my body wanted to shut down so it could try and expel what it thought was poison, so it can be very physical and it feels like shit right now but have Bailey on the bed with you, you’ll be surprised how his very presence helps

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hi Monicau, just read your post whilst out walking the dog, firstly, i’m sorry that you are feeling so low, i haven’t come here to give you advice as to be honest i am the last person able to do that right now.
i know you think that mastering your emotions would help but i have a different angle on that as i have mastered mine and now i have a hard time expressing it and it sits inside me festering wanting to explode but i can’t access it, they’ll be a point where the tears will dry up and you will find a little motivation even if it’s doing something small. bury your head in Bailey and have a good cry, dogs are excellent listeners.
i think as humans we have basic needs from the minute we are born, to be loved, sheltered, fed nurtured and the space and safety to express feelings of pain when we need to.
i dont know what you will decide about your GA meeting but sometimes doing the thing that we least want to do ends up being the best thing for us.
like i said, this isn’t advice i just wanted to be here

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to hit your rock bottom and build yourself back up takes superb strength, i think that sometimes we don’t really realise our capabilities until we are faced with little to no choices . i didn’t or haven’t hit my rock bottom yet and the place from where i am building back up from seems hopeless enough without going further down.
it’s good to see where i am and be reminded of where you was just to keep you alert and in touch with your goals 🙂

work is ok, i need to evaluate all this extra work i am doing, i am tired but i think it has been a good lesson but i haven’t had a day off since September now and i am finding the work in therapy draining so i need to prioritise for the sake of recovery. as for the betting, yes the football slips that are flying around at the end of the week make me nervous but i can’t avoid them so i have to learn to accept that i can’t be sheltered from the fact that gambling is available every which way we look, i even get adverts on my email page….so annoying
take care Laura and stay gamble free

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hi laura, i am currently at work but just wanted to stop by, i have read through some of your posts and i know it’s tough going 6 years and then slipping, feeling like you have lost a grasp over 6 years that you worked hard for but reading beyond that, it looks like you have come back stronger and more connected and determined to have that life without gambling back. that’s the most important thing is that desire to keep moving forwards and forgiving ourselves when we slip up.
you are doing great, invest in yourself, you are worth it tc

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it sounds like they are only truly bothered about one thing and that is the revenue that it creates because lets face it, if normal working people like me can find thousands to throw away at these establishments, imagine how much they are claiming on all levels as gambling addiction as we know, isn’t just restricted to people with limited funds.
by putting helplines around and invisible people around for so called help they can justify their actions with statistics. they was something in the news here recently about trying to restrict slots to £2 spins at the maximum instead of £150 spins that there is now but i can’t see it happening for all the reasons you said above.

today was my second day in therapy and i am even more sure that this is exactly where i need to be based on the fact that i feel worse this week than i did last week :). the key i think is that i have exactly the right therapist and i as much as i struggle with some stuff, she is the right person to work with me on that and i find myself being extremely open and honest very easily.
it sounds like you are a very resourceful person, you know what you needed to do and you reached out to anything that was available which happened to be the phone book, was that the point at where your recovery began? it’s a painful process into gambling and it’s even more painful to get out but i think that’s when you know you are in recovery.
thank you for being here…take care

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it is early days but based on that first session i knew half way through that i was in the right place doing the right thing, what i get out of it only time will tell, i have my second session tomorrow. As i told myself when deciding to give it a whirl ” i have nothing to lose and everything to gain”
Gambling is seen as such a cultural normality that it’s hard to find treatment for this addiction so in a lot of cases people really have to put so much into their own recovery and it never fails to amaze me how resilient we can all be when making that decision and of course, places like here are invaluable to helping people find that safe place and support 🙂

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I have just finished work and read your message on the way to my car and it made me smile and felt somewhat comforting at the same time.
It’s quite surprising at how well we think we hide it yet people around us have a “suspicion” but don’t like to say anything. The problem with where i work is that it’s a cultural normality to be handing betting slips around and discussing who’s picking what and i would be in the middle of all those conversations yet no-one has actually said anything about the fact that i have stepped back.
The most important goal is that you are happy with who you are and it sounds like that achievement is yours. That in itself must give you a new found strength that motivates you 🙂

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I totally agree Jonny, I’m pretty convinced that I’m feeling like this because it’s already having an effective impact which is why I’m willing to embrace it and go with it and i have a lot of learning to do, not least finding out who i am as I only really know the gambler. It’s going to be a tough roller coaster but like others have said, you only get out of it what you put into it and I’m up for the bumpy ride.
To just think i was a few days behind you at the start of this year, and you’ve overcome so much to get where you are. So much is achievable when you don’t give up 😉

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i nearly buggered off 🙂 but it was in fact that post that got me into therapy. sometimes we need a bit of a shake up so despite how i felt at the time i will always be grateful but don’t do it too often 😉

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so, it’s day 21 and gambling has been a distant thought, not likely to stay there but i am grateful for it this week as i am feeling particularly confused over so much since i came out of my first therapy session, i am ok with feeling like this as i was told to expect it, so i am just riding it out but i actually thought that i would be able to dismiss any feelings as i am pretty good at distracting myself from unwanted thoughts, i think it’s something that comes with being a CG so the whole thing is very confusing at the moment and exhausting as it’s with me constantly and am working again all weekend which i don’t think is helping and might need to wind that down soon.
i was struggling to come here and write but your posts, each and every one from one line to full on pages mean so much that i was motivated to connect.
my worst fear that after all this, is that my whole persona is so set throughout the years that i will never be more than the person i don’t want to be.
this morning in work someone mentioned the England match last night ( this is something i would normally have gambled heavy on ) i said “oh i didn’t even know they were playing” and wow you could have probably heard a pin drop, the whole factory seemed to come to a standstill on my revelation….i find that amusing and alarming at the same time.
today i did not gamble

just a note, i don’t often comment as i am still in the grips of addiction but i am always reading your threads and journeys and it never ceases to amaze me when i see your strengths, determination and sheer will power to keep going, stumbling over hurdles, picking yourselves up and not giving up. it’s quite incredible to see how resilient people can be when they are fighting for what they want

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i always feel…i’m not sure what i feel actually but i feel something positive when i see each and every comment, usually i am at work and it gives me a nice distraction.
i haven’t updated as i have been getting up at 04:00 for work and this really isn’t a time my body likes , my last day off was 28th of september and i have committed to doing the next 3 weekends and then that it, i will cut back, i am not sure that i truly make the connection with money earned to money gambled but i have done 9 extra gruelling shifts and it still isn’t what i could blow in a weekend, i don’t think it is sinking in as the true reality of that is more than i can process right now.
anyway i am day 18 and yesterday was my first day in therapy, my first day on the road to recovery and within 5 mins of being there i knew i was in the right place with the right person, i know some people have had a bad experience with gamcare and counselling but i believe it is all about connecting the right therapist to the right person, even if you are to seek one on your own doing, this is the most important thing to consider is your client-therapist relationship.
the therapist i am with is trained in gambling as an addiction (amongst other things ) which i think is important. so yesterday was tough ( i definitely wasn’t expecting it to be easy) i was able to be open and honest and i was surprised at how safe i felt to just open up but i am also aware that right now that is my only place that feels safe and i don’t want to fully feel safe as it is only a temporary place.
the session went so quick and i was told that it may feel shitty over the next few days as i process things that i have reflected on that i haven’t done in years, i was saying ” it’s ok, i don’t really get bogged down in old stuff, i’ll shake it off and it will be fine, see you next week” 10 mins later and BOOM the whole thing hits me, i even re-played the session in a dream last night, my whole day has been taken over by thoughts and i swear i have lost chunks of time where i have been lost in my thoughts. i actually don’t have room to think about gambling right now and i get moments where i feel down but i am not sure why right now, i am ok with it though as i was told that this is part of the process of therapy so it helps to know that. i am actually looking forward to going back next Tuesday and i feel hopeful that i can finally start a recovery process.
i keep saying i want my life back, even this thread has it as the opening title yet i actual don’t know who i am without gambling, i have gambled for so long that i only know the gambler…i wonder if i will get on with the real me, i wonder what my life looks like. one day at a time, today i did not gamble

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today i took the dog out before work, as always do, we went through the woods, it’s a great walk and i have lost track of the number of times that i have walked through these woods.
i was listening to motivational monday songs (even though it’s Friday) watching and smiling as the dog ran through all the autumn leaves, the squirrels chancing looking for nuts before the next dog comes along and chases them back up a tree. I noticed all the different colours of Autumn and thought how beautiful it was, even a robin made an appearance, i said hello to numerous dog walkers (despite having my earplugs in which can sometimes be anti-social) and i was thinking, why is today such a nice walk? why have i only just noticed autumn? why is everyone so nice today? then i realised… my phone is in my pocket, i am not looking for matches with potential goals in them, i am not checking on scores, i am not checking my bank balance to see how much i can get my hands on for gambling. i am not walking with my head down, avoiding the world as i work out how i going to chase my last loss. i am not trying to hide from the world…i am looking up! i am seeing everything around me and smiling and people are wanting to say hello probably just like every other day.
today i will reflect on how much gambling robs us of life and today i will not gamble

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haha did you actually purposely drown the ipad? shouldn’t laugh but i have to admit that it made me smile.

you can never go on too much about something that is true, the more times things are said the more it sinks in and th more it becomes a dawning realisation! Great example was Geordie pointing out to me about how i was using the words recovery and relapse each week, i thought i got what they meant, i used them as words often, i heard other people talk about them but only now have i just got it.

Hey, who doesn’t love to hear well done, right? as a gambler the only thing you hear is your inner voice calling you a fool so to hear praise is actually a big deal and i am honestly not just saying this but well done for going to GA, it is a daunting and scary thing to do, attending your first meeting, something that i am still putting off from doing so even if it is the smallest of things that you are getting from it, it is still positive

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since last week i was checking online for my wage slip, counting the hours till some money went in. counting coppers up for some bread and as it is all rattling into the self service in Tesco, swearing that i am never going to be this bad again.
its only one bet away….if i let it
well done on 6 weeks, that’s really fantastic, do you have all the barriers in place to support you?

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i am always delighted to see you pop by, doesn’t seem like 2 minutes when i was hanging on every word of your thread when you was talking about xmas and how much more you get from it now and knowing one day i could feel like that. time flies and time heals

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