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nice to hear from you Geordie, i hope you are treating yourself kind out there, i know how hard you can be on yourself.
i felt quite early on when i started counselling that i would rather feel crap than nothing at all. it’s quite funny as the first day i walked in i was all “i don’t have any issues in my life, i’m just a CG that needs to stop” and yet we haven’t talked about gambling that much but that i DO have issues and gambling attaches itself to my weak points.

i got the name from an online suggestion tool when i was looking for a username years ago, it came up with eraser11 so i turned the E around to make a 3.
Geordie whatever you are doing i hope you have a nice Christmas. treat yourself

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thanks Laura for your reply above, i always like reading your posts and i hope you are well, i read that you are just about ready for Christmas, that’s lovely to hear and how different without the pressures of losing to gambling. Enjoy the little simple things Laura. Not gambling gives us the gift of appreciating very small things in life 🙂
well i am on day 60, it feels easier to not gamble but it’s still there at the back of my mind so i tread with caution and with saying that i did nearly gamble 2 nights ago although i am not sure that i was ever going to go through with it.
i went to see my family on Monday and drop presents off, it didn’t all quite go according to plan, there was an incident which left me with a black eye and swollen cheekbone and feeling somewhat sorry for myself, the first thing i did when i got away from there is go to the bookies, fed my money in, chose my bets and hovered over “place bet” i have never changed my mind on gambling when i have got to this point but i was questioning myself, do i really want to do this? will winning make me happy? luckily i had an appointment the next day with my therapist which was the deal sealer as i really didnt want to go in and say “merry Christmas, i placed a bet yesterday” so i withdrew my voucher from the terminal and got my money back. i definitely use gambling as a means to escape ( amongst other reasons) but apart from that it’s getting easier not to gamble 🙂
i really look forward to my sessions each week now even though i may end up feeling like crap during them, i think there is a lot of connections that i have never been able to make as to why i do the things i do and the more i understand the more control i have over the choices i make

Christmas is going to be challenging but that’s all it is…a challenge and i usually like a good challenge so i’m determined to come out unscathed, So unreal to think that 9 weeks ago i was selling stuff in the nick of time to fuel my car for work and living off of 25p value ginger nut biscuits.

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Day 58, still haven’t gambled, therapy is life changing but it’s a marathon not a sprint with that.
Christmas is looming and although i have managed to get people gifts and i am trying to manage money carefully it is still going to be a tough time, i love this time of year for gambling, maybe i just use it as a way to hide from the fact that i christmas can be a lonely time, i mean when i gamble i like to be totally isolated so the two fit hand in hand…seemingly. Anyway this year i am going to embrace the loneliness and use it to as a reason to start building relationships up again.
Also my car needs some unexpected maintenance work this week, i panicked and thought my only option was to gamble, even went and withdrew the money but i took some time out, went home, phoned a few companies to try and give me a months grace on the bills and enough of them agreed which covers the cost of a big chunk of the bill.
not a solution a can probably use again but the fact that i found one without gambling is a win for me.
ironically i would have found 3 times the amount of the bill had i been chasing a losing bet.
today i did not gamble and i hope everyone is taking good care of themselves, especially at this time of year

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Hi Laura.
There is always going to be opportunities, the barriers help but they aren’t foolproof, what’s important is having the strength to realise that wobbles are going to creep into our thoughts but we have the power to walk away knowing that that one bet will make us feel so crap about ourselves that we will just throw everything away, it’s a bit like being on a diet, you do really well, think about something unhealthy, eat it and then think “oh i have blown it, i may as well stuff my face all day”.
I’m not saying i am always going to have the strength to recognise and walk away but it’s helpful that my mindset is saying that one bet could destroy me, before, i used to say that one bet could win me enough for whatever i was wanting money for.
we are all in this together 🙂
well done on yesterday, feel great about yourself…you deserve it

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Hi Laura, so nice to to see that you able to enjoy the build up to Christmas by enjoying the simple things that so many people take for granted.
as a CG it is usually a time of dread of trying to cope and wishing the event wasn’t happening because of the added stress. Just to be able to put something under the tree shows the true value of recovery. Precious moments, appreciative heart are the some of the rewards we reap during recovery.
i hope your day has been a really nice one

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thank you for the encouraging post, i have several weeks to decide about investing financially in therapy but if i am honest, i already know the answer, how messed up that i wouldn’t think twice about gambling away that sort of money in an afternoon.
i have been extremely lucky to have had so much overtime in the last few months ( its drying up now) and to be offered therapy and also to be linked with such a good match in the terms of a therapist, as i approach the new year i will have paid off the last few months of gambling debts and payday loans ( i am still paying for the years gone by debts ) and i am on the journey to recovery which was my hope at the beginning of this year.
i am also fully aware finally that i am one bet away from undoing all that progress and losing everything, the reality of that is scary as hell, what’s worse is that i know that i wont have the gift of being able to work hard and pay for my mistakes in the future and that would take me to a deeper, darker place.
you are so right Laura, time to make manageable plans, as the overtime dries up and the 12 sessions of therapy comes to an end i have to be ready and organised and manage my finances
thank you

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so today i had session 5 of the 12 sessions of therapy allocated to me, it’s never ceasing to have twists and turns and exposing the lies i tell myself to justify gambling. one thing i was looking at today is my long term friendships and my perception of how i have pushed everyone away to protect them and in some ways myself of dealing with my gambling and how i was feeling blessed that they are still there waiting for me and i will be able to build my relationships back up with them.
the reality is i chose gambling over them each and every time, i wasn’t protecting them, i was choosing to give myself to gambling and the second reality is they aren’t “sat waiting for me” to rekindle friendships, they have lived their lives and moved on and happen to still be there, i am the one that is “sat waiting”…that’s a lonely but important reality. i still don’t have a defining moment of why i shouldn’t gamble but i believe it’s a working progress.
i was also quite clearly concerned about what happens when my temporary safe place is gone, when the 12 sessions are up, how do i move forward?
my therapists has pointed out several options and some include free ongoing therapy with a different therapist but i am happy and progressive with this one and she would be ok with continuing work with her but obviously funding it myself ( fair rates). i feel like it’s a lot of money to invest in myself when i have debts to pay but on the other hand it’s a lot cheaper than gambling….i think often about Johnny telling me to invest in myself, maybe this is a good start.
the most important thing is i am still gambling free

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hi Khurram as with the link above that holds a lot of good information you can always call MOSES (multi operator self exclusion scheme ) on 08002942060 and they will exclude you from every bookmakers around you, it’s easy to do and you don’t have to actually go into a bookies to self exclude, i used them and can vouch that they work a treat

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40 seems a significant number so i thought i would post today.
6 weeks ago i was wondering how i was going to fuel my engine to get me to work to earn the money to pay for the gambling debts for the previous month. i was desperately trying to sell things to get me through, knowing i had to change but not believing it was possible.
within that 6 weeks i have worked 8-10 hours 7 days a week ( an opportunity that i am still extremely grateful for) have used that money to pay off some of the debts and do some repairs on my car that was long overdue, i have bought everyone something for xmas (something that i was sure wasnt going to happen) and had 4 sessions of therapy…that’s a hell of a lot for 6 weeks, i am emotionally drained and my whole perception of myself is changing, i don’t know who i am when i thought i did, gambling seems to be something i was using to escape my past and reality, to create a world of isolation and self destruct.

i have had 2 friends this week reach out and tell me they miss me and spending time with me, they don’t know that i am a gambler, i have spent a lot of energy avoiding spending time with them and yet they are still there waiting for me. 1 is someone who i avoid out of guilt due to her ex years ago dropping a bomb shell into her world and confessing that he was a gambler and that he had gambled the house away, she tried to end her life and ended up in a mental institute, i stood by her side and she has a good life now, how ironic that i would end up being a CG also. she thanked me for helping her through her dark days and how she often remembers me when a song is playing, it broke my heart and i wanted to weep but i feel blocked at present. this is the reality of what my gambling not only does to me but people i love, they aren’t aware but i am and it hurts and i want it to hurt! i want the pain to be a reminder that i need to keep going forward and not return to that place.

today i will have no excuses and i will not gamble

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Vera, i am so sorry to hear about your loss, i think there will always be moments in recovery that remind us of where we WAS in gambling, the time that has passed us by and the time we took for granted whilst deep in addiction and unfortunately the feelings of regret but it’s just a reminder of where we WAS and not where we are.
our crosses that we have to bare are also a reminder of our strengths.
stay strong Vera and thanks for posting

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thanks for your post Laura, i have been reading through your posts recently and can see myself in a lot of your posts, gambling has such common traits yet is personal to each individual. I can even see myself relapsing after 6 years IF i didn’t have what i needed in place to not get complacent. I have had 4 weeks with available funds now (which i am not recommending by any means ) and i have been able to resist urges even when the money was running out due to paying off some gambling debts which is usually a trigger point for me but i really can’t handle the disappointment of giving in to the urges, that will pass though and i need to be ready when the voice is convincing me that it is totally ok now.
i always saw gambling as something i wanted but to have the ability to control it ( up until this year ) now i am seeing it as a form of treating myself badly and self destructing and a way of not dealing with reality. In therapy we are looking at small steps to being kinder to myself which is actually tougher than it sounds. Everything is changing and some of it hurts like hell but i see it as my body trying to eject the poisons within it. It is such a debilitating illness but as so many amazing people on here have shown it is something that can be overcome

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there is definitely a connection between voids and gambling, i pushed a lot of people away to be left alone whilst gambling but it was an endless circle of using gambling as a way of not acknowledging what i was doing as when i am in the throws of gambling, nothing else in the world matters when really it does. That’s proven to be a lie as now that the gambling isn’t there and i have someone encouraging me to look at the reality, it’s painful and it drains you not just for 50 mins but for most of the week too.
We both think that this is going to take longer than 12 sessions and i think i will probably ask her if i can carry on at my own expense (not every week as i cant afford that yet) but i haven’t plucked up the courage to ask because if she says no then i may just fall apart, although i would be in the right place for that 🙂
i feel this is my chance for recovery and i don’t think that the worst is over by any means but it’s what i want more than anything in the world. I want a normal life, i want people in it and i want to treat myself better….all achievable, not just for me but for anyone who reads this post.

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i haven’t known what to say for the last week or so, the good news is that i am 38 days gamble free, the bad news which in its on way is good is that therapy along with working so much is draining the hell out of me but it is teaching me so much about myself and we have hardly touched on gambling but i am starting to see some connections with gambling and how that fits in with how i see myself, how i hide from the past and the fact that it’s easier to treat myself badly and self destruct rather than face reality so its really interesting to get some understanding on myself.
each time i go we start the session with a set of questions which are always the same and at first i couldnt understand why but for example, one if the questions is “do you gamble to avoid a problem” and i answered no on the first couple of weeks, this week i answered yes as i have increasing urges to gamble to have some time off from my own thoughts but with that knowledge i am able to resist the urges.
i also finally had a day off yesterday and today, i went to a concert yesterday with my friend and it felt quite overwhelming in some respects as i noticed for the first time in a long time ( we don’t see much of each other) i was actually there with her, listening and wanting to know how she was doing, usually i have my phone in my pocket on silent waiting for vibrations to come through for a goal, making excuses to go to the toilet frequently to check on games and waiting on the outcome to to determine my mood for the night. There was none of that last night and it was really special, she actually phoned me afterwards and said how she wanted to spend more time with me and that she missed spending time with me. what she didn’t realise is that she missed me being present when we spent time together. I am starting to realise how much gambling hurts others without even realising. more incentive to stay on this path

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hi jonny, if you need to take a break i totally understand that, sometimes when we feel a personal attack (even if it isn’t ) it can affect us to the detriment of our health and only you can decide if staying or taking time out is the best option for you but if you are feeling negative please don’t let it manifest in you as this has a risk of jeopardising your recovery and you have come too far!!!
i for one will miss you but i support your decision and hopefully you will be back, you was the first person i connected with as you started your journey at roughly the same time and even though i stumbled you showed me that is was possible to overcome hurdles. having the challenge to recover alongside of you was the start of my journey.
everybody’s recovery is different and everyone’s journal is personal to them and you have worked through and hopefully you are in a good place with recovery. take care Jonny, stay gamble free and come back when you are ready….hugs my friend

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i have just finished work and thought i would drop a quick update, to be honest these endless weekends of working are starting to take their toll on me a bit.
i am 33 days gamble free, yesterday was my 3rd therapy session and although i know it isn’t for everyone so i won’t tell everyone to go and seek it but for me it’s exactly what was needed, yesterday was actually the first day that we touched on gambling and i am starting to to think that the past is going to connect to the present day. i have hardly thought about gambling, not because of any other reason that therapy is consuming my thoughts so much that i really don’t have the space to think about gambling which i am thankful for.
anyone who is undecided about 1-1 counselling i would definitely urge you to give it a go

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