[crippled]

I think I have to be one of the worlds worst compulsive gamblers, I have been battling this for approx 13 years, of course I did not have a clue as probably nobody does when I went to that first online casino due to an advert online somewhere. I have tried all kinds of different support over the years, GA councliing different web sites and have had times of actually living a life, I woudl not like to put a monetary figure on my losses, but we can say a house and a job, so currently no home and no job, huge debt that shoudl ahve beenpaid off  with equity but nope of course not gambled away. Right now I ahve even googled crimes to commit to go to prison so that I will have a place to live, but I do not want to commit a crime that woudl hurt another person, I may sound crazy  and I probably am, I feel so very ill I have read comments like there is always a way out, well no matter how I search I can not see one this time, I guess that is what you call true rock bottom, I am not young in my fifties now and have absloutely nothing, the pain is as any of you who have been there know unbearable, I can not tell my family they have known in the past and they do not deserve this none of it, all my own doing through having zero control over my gambling, the money does not matter when playing, playing is what matters it only matters when you can no longer play have nothign left, and oh dear God what have I done!

Why why have I dont this to myself put myself in a position of seeing death or prison as my only options that are left now. The hurt and pain this has caused and will continue to casue my adult kids is I think what I am feelign more than anyhtign else, as well as extreme fear of my current situation, sadness of how I allowed this to take over my life to become the secretive gambling addict, I like to know what I have ever beleived I would get out of it, any time I have ever had any money in my life, I have ever had any money in my life material things have never mattered to me, I much prefer to treat my family and woudl give away my last penny, oh wait I already have.

I know that there is no real help, I messed up my life and others lives, this is my punishment I do not know what I expect to achieve by writing this, perhaps just a release of some sort, the sad thing is I  know deep down I do not want to go to prison or die before my time but this has destroyed me and  what else can I do it really is quite unforgivable behavior on my part, it’s like there is two different people in me the caring, sensible mother and the selfish despicable gambler, the gambler lies to me all the time which in turn causes me to become that too.

Anyone who has  faith of any kind please include me in your prayers, God bless you all 

[Steev]

It was painful to read your story and to hear that you are still suffering. I know you say you don’t want to burden your family, but you do need support from people who are around you – and who care about you. If you are in the UK you may wish to contact the people here to see if any support can be given by Gordon Moody Association. I will be thinking of you.

[Callmecrazy]

I really wish I had some great advice to give but I don’t. However, I have faith there is a way out for you. Just think of your resoucefulness. It takes brains to think of jail as a way out. I know you don’t want to burden your family but some of them might be really worried about you and perhaps would like to help. Desperate times call for desperate measures and you might suprise yourself with the extra mile some might be willing to go for you. All I can say is, hang in there, just BE for today.

[IRockVX]

Keep writing and keep checking in. Join multiple groups at once (I did).

I know that feeling of being trapped in a void of absolute despair and feeling/seeing no way out … paralysis. I know exactly how you feel I’ve been there. Numb in the dark.

You said yourself you have had periods of actually having a normal life. Let me ask you, how much have you written about the emotions and thoughts of who this gambler person in you is and what is being felt prior to the urge, during the urge? What depths of emotions are there?

What’s so tricky about gambling is sharp depression as well as feeling really good can both be triggers to gamble. It doesn’t matter if you’re feeling low or feeling confident and amazing about your life — each can be a twisting by the gambling beast to add gambling to “spruce things up”

the language of the gambling beast that makes its way into us as an alter ego of sorts is that of deceit … the deceit that random outcomes that eventually lead to failure is fun … the deceit that guaranteed loss is fun … the deceit that impulsive randomness can bring back what was lost in the past.

Truly it is an addiction to chance and a numbing/pushing away of perception of risk … I know the voice of gambling always wants me to look on the sunshiny parts of making an initial rush of money without considering risk.

Guard your heart and soul from risk, keep writing, and don’t give up.

Much love and support <3

Make today gamble free

[Emma8]

You’ve found this site and written this journal because you want to make a change and make improvements. That is a great beginning!

I’m no expert, I’ve only been gambling free for six days. What I can say though is that you have to take it day by day. I imagine the first step is to find somewhere to live and hopefully a job too. Will that be possible?

I know exactly what you mean when you say there’s not a problem when playing, only when you look up from the screen and all your money is gone. I felt exactly the same. (I’m trying to speak in past tense because I refuse to gamble any more and cause myself any more pain.) I’d be oblivious to the problems I was causing while playing and then feel unbelievably broken when I stopped to see £0 in my account.

Have you self excluded and put blocks up anywhere possible?

Once you’ve done this try and find the excitement in recovery instead of gambling. After a few days of no gambling my bank account is no longer just a list of deposits I’ve made to a casino. It’s a small step but it feels incredible.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[dunc]

Hi Crippled

Everyone on this site is here for the same reason as you… everyday someone looks in the mirror and sees no hope

The truth is there is hope, you just haven’t found a way forward yet.. and thats why we and other organisation exist.

Please come and talk to me in confidence on the helpline, ask for me… I promise there is help available if your prepared to commit to a new life

[Anonymous]

Vi har vores ører spidset, når det kommer til alt der foregår inden for online gambling industrien, og hvis noget ikke virker helt reelt, så vil vi undersøge det dybere.

[Author]

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