[saffrek]

Hello everyone.
My story:
I am on 35s and i am compulsive gambler for close to 20 years. Everything starts when i was young at local casinos. Then after some time i got hooked and things started to escalate.
At age of 18 i was spending all my money at casinos. I did put all my items to pawnshop to get some money. It was hell for some time then my mom catch me and fix all my problems. I promise this wont happen again.
Unfortunatly that was just the beggining. Slots are my dopamine sorce. I am not hooked to others types of gambling. I am proffessional poker player for close to 10 years. I dont feel the urge there, its job for me, i am playing the odds, i learn
to control my emotions there and even on tilt i wont do big damage to myself. I got the control on poker, actually i earn good money to live a good life, but slots … they eat … they eat money, they eat relationships and lifes.
For this 20 years, maybe i was clean about 2-3 years. I was gambling most of the time, but didnt do so much harm to me (or i think that way, because i didnt hit rock bottom).
So many times i did spend my last money and even money i dont own on slots. But i always found the way back. I am not religious, but i honestly think that there is some power that protects me (except my mom ofc… my father dont give a shit about me).
Last one year i didnt play alot of poker because missing the funds, earn almost nothing. I got loans from friends and banks. I found a poker stake 2 months ago. Start playing and but didnt win so much at the start to cover expenses and loans.
2 weeks ago my mom send me money (1500 euro) to buy some stuff for my house. I decide that i can win some money on slots. Got the rush. One day later i end up with 0 ofcourse. The fear take over. I didnt have any options to
get money to cover that and decide to withdrawal my poker bank that i dont even own (1200 euro) and try to get it back. Few hours was enough. No one knows my situation exactly. I am living in two different dimentions.
The “hidden addiction”. I was living in nightmare last 10 days. Going out and seeing how people live normal live, how they smile. But i am feeling like shit, like nothing.
The fear and the shame. Feeling so strong. I was so lost. I am very good at hiding my emotions. Even my girlfriend cant understand that i am so tilted inside.
Yesterday when i was thinking from where i can borrow money to repair this situation (actually i dont have any options, no ones believe me anymore) something on my mind just click.
I was thinking that this 2700 euro that i spend on slots in this moment where my situation is so bad, is one of the worst things i did, because there is no way out – i changed my perception.
I found that this maybe is not the worst, but the best thing that can happen to me. I have no more options, except telling the truth.
This forum made me understand that i dont need to borrow more money and sink more. I need to admit my problem on my friends and family. Looking not for money, but for real help.
My mom save me so many times. I am one really bad son. I am so sorry that i hurt her so many times.
I am sure she would help me one more time. He loves me alot, even i am not so loveable.
To tell her all my problems would be one of the toughest thing i would do in my life. She dont have any idea that i am with so much money problems.
That “I am sick” save me. That this is desease and i am not alone, made me change my perception.
I dont feel scared anymore. I feel the light. Feeling optimistic, even euphoric.
First thing i did is to write here. The second would be to tell the whole story to my girlfriend. She would be the first to know it all.
I did lots of shits, it wont be easy. But i will take off the chains.
So its day 1 from my new life.
My goal would be to update regualry.
Thank you!

**I know my story dosnt look so dramatic like others. But believe me, i was there so many times. Alone, scared, ashamed, misrable, panic attacks, suicide thoughts. The fear – so strong that you cant even move or think. The whole world crashes.
**Meditate, get calm first. Speak to close people. You will find a solution.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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