[karmybab]

I have been gambling before I could turn 18 and legal enter a casino in my hometown. Gambling has been around my whole life, as my Dad was a compulsive gambler. I also knew that I had a problem, however I didn’t understand the extent until a few months ago.

Last May (2015) I enter myself inpatient gambling treatment center for 30 days in my home state. (There are only 5 inpatient treatment centers in the US) I went in did the work, learned the tools I need to deal with triggers, urges and coping skills. I learn how I effected my husband and the love ones around me. I felt great after 30 days and I was like I got this. (It was the treatment high)

After 90 days, I relapse and went gambling. The signs were there and I lied to my husband to go, after that it started my down world spiral. (this happen in Aug 2015) I started to gamble more and I wanted to stop so I picked up drinking– (cross addiction)– I realize where I was and where it may go that I reenter the inpatient program the end of Oct 2015 and did another month. (without and hesitation) After I was done, I went into a CD/Mental Health inpatient treatment center for another 2 months and finish all my inpatient Feb 1st, 2016— I have been clean for almost 4 months and felt great, however just 2 days later I gamble again. I had shame since I spent so much time away from my love ones to slip again.

My husband found out got me and I black listed myself from that casino—I was like hey why not gamble more and then blacklist myself for other casino around me. I did that and afterwards it work for about 8 weeks. After the out-patient group I had for CD was over I gamble again–I was referred to out-patient group for gambling closer to home- I started that at the end of March 2016–things were going fine once again for another 2 1/2 months.

Then comes the end of May 2016, I haven’t been able to shake gambling at all. It’s true each time you leave and come back its a lot worse a lot faster. I have been in active addiction–this past month (July) has been the worse it has ever been.

During this time, I was attending some meetings, doing the out-patient program, I see addiction therapist weekly (one on one)- I still reach out to the people at this inpatient places as well, and here I sit gambling.

I don’t understand why I can’t stop. I know that this is a disease, that I need to rewire my brain, that its emotional thing, its my escape from life, I do some of the coping skills I have learned the list to go on and on.

I know what I need to do however I don’t do it–I can’t follow through after a certain point. I’m debating about going back to this inpatient treatment for a third time. I’m conflicting because I’m not to sure what more they can do for me? Granted, its a safe place, unable to use any of addiction for 30 days, I have a better understanding what I need and what direction I need to take. It’s just I don’t want to make the commit yet again.

I have turned over all my money over to my husband, I have my debit card deactivate, all account passwords have been change so that I’m unable to see the accounts. This is one step that can really help me shake this and save my life.

I know that if I don’t get into recovery that gambling will win another person to their column. It’s really taking that leap of faith and letting down the walls that I have built to fall down before me, to experiences the emotions that I have, to be comfortable in my own skin, to be content on who I am.

The next week, its really deciding what path I’m going to take–The path that my addiction wants (stay w/out patient, keep lying to keep playing, to created the darkness inside of me–to the darkness that will never see the light of hope again) or take the path to pissed off my addiction and get the help that I need-inpatient.

The choice I make will forever shape my life, in which I’m aware. For I know everyone deserve a life of contempt–including me. Remember you are all worth it!!

[velvet]

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Hello Karmy and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[maverick.]

Karmybab,

Thanks for sharing and I am really sorry you are going through such a tough time at the moment, this addiction will take everything from us if we let it (as I am sure you well know) our time, money, family, friends, the ones we love, husbands, wives, children and then eventually our life, I can’t tell you what to do my friend as I struggle to do it myself but all I do know is we must stay away from that next bet, that first bet…….thats the one that if we can stay away from making that first bet then we can keep on the right road, if we decide to make that first bet again then that opens up a massive door that leads us into everything bad we knew and have done before.

“I am in a hole at the moment, a very big hole and I honestly can’t see a way out, however I have faith (just like you) and I know in time if I do the right thing either someone will walk pass the hole and offer me a life line or the ground will slowly grow (as it does) and the hole will slowly get smaller”

What I am trying to say is there is always hope, so stay strong and do the right thing, it’s never easy but it is better than the alternative, keep sharing and I wish you all the very best, take care and keep fighting.

Maverick

[Author]

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