[feetforward]

Hi everyone,
My name is Ruth and I am a compulsive gambler. Even reading that back I can feel that I’m still in denial to an extent. Or maybe it’s just the shame that makes it so hard to read. I’d like to make an excuse and say "I’m only addicted to a very specific form of gambling, one game on one particular type of software online" which is true (I couldn’t care less about betting on horses or playing fruit machines) but it is still the case that I have become powerless to resist THAT form of gambling as I have proved to myself time and time again, so I have to say again… I am a compulsive gambler.
For me it started nearly 5 years ago when I was making some money online doing "bonus bagging". For those who don’t know, it was a shortlived way of genuinely making money out of casino bonuses (it doesn’t work any more as they have all changed their T&Cs) by betting tiny amounts over and over so that the slight house edge meant you didn’t lose all your money before satisfying the conditions and cashing out your deposit and bonus. Anyway, it was all fine and dandy and I had no problem until … gradually… I got dragged into the whole winning and losing "excitement" (or nausea) and very slowly ended up at the point where I was just playing "for fun", ie way outside the "clever mathematical" way of using casinos that existed then, and in the normal way of using casinos – which is of course to throw your money at them as if into a waste disposal unit.
So I eventually realised after many sleepless nights and a LOT of debt built up – I had to stop doing this. I got up at 3am, went to the computer and self-excluded from all my accounts.
This was in 2007, right before my beloved father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and various other pretty awful things – divorce, redundancy etc – started happening. So you won’t be surprised to hear that after a few weeks/months (I can’t remember) I opened new accounts, found other casinos, played myself sick and self-excluded, then went round the whole cycle again and again.
I’ve managed periods of many months without even feeling the desire to gamble and yet, after a tough summer and some more adverse events in my life, I’ve found myself back on the video poker this autumn. A few days’ splurge here, self-exclude, peace and calm for a week or two, re-open elsewhere, lose lose lose, self-exclude, etc etc.
I now have Gamblock on my main PC which is brilliant, but I have access to another machine which currently does not have it installed (I know – obvious solution there). I’ve also self-excluded as much as I possibly can. But I have not admitted any of this to any person except for the lovely people here. And I think I need other people to help me. I haven’t done too well on my own so far.
My gambling gives me a feeling of having scratched an itch – it’s the urge that’s the horrible thing, it takes me over until I am doing things I don’t feel I’m in control of at all (getting out the other computer, looking for a new site, joining, depositing, playing – almost calmly but inside my mind is screaming at me to stop). When I am gambling it’s as if I’ve found a "neutral" place where I’m not itching any more, if that makes sense. Then of course I lose everything and feel a sickness to the pit of my stomach and a deep shame.
The thought of life without gambling is both incredibly exciting and very frightening.
That’s about it. Thanks for reading.
 

[finding_laura]

Hi Ruth and welcome to the forum. I’ve asked website support staff to remove the advertisement that was posted on your thread!

The feelings you describe including the “itch” that comes with urges is familiar to most of us I would say. I’ve heard it described that gambling on slots and video slots allows us to go into a trance like state where we are away from our concerns and thoughts. And with all of the awful and traumatic things going on in your life it’s not a wonder that you craved that state of being. But it costs us toooo much. Our money, our sanity, our freedom!

Realizing you have a problem and that you need help and support to beat it is a good step. Get a blocker on that other device! What about finding some counseling? Ever thought of going to a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting? Don’t give up on quitting. You are worth the effort.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Yes it seems to be written with some poorly disguised NLP language ! Very sad if the poster believes any of us on here need to be pointed in the direction of a casino- we have managed to find them without any help ! Lol

[velvet]

Hello Ruth and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

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