[missingme]

Oh wow!!  I am feeling abused, soul battered and stomach sick from another binge gambling night of self-abuse.  I have been on this forum before.  Maybe 2 years ago, and left after deleteing my history….thinking I was fine, or pretending to be.  Truth has a way of smacking me in the face every now and then, and I am not fine as far as the gambling story goes. 
I won’t shoulda’, woulda’, coulda’ myself.  What is done is done.  Today is a new day, even though I feel like cr*p!!  My mind, stomach, nerves…..bowels….muscles….ache.    I’m certain some of you know that feeling. I’m not sure what to do next.  Just that I need this as a place to rest…pause….try to breathe away the pain which is seemingly infused throughout my whole body today.  I’ve had 5 hours sleep, and my body literally feels on fire from stress.  My heart is still racing from last nights bets on the slots.  I was going absolutly crazy with $25 bets on the slot machine, and at the same time, wondering what in the hell I was doing.  Deep in my mind somewhere there was a voice, (which was mine) calling out to me to stop, and I kept ignoring it…until I left and dragged myself to the car in a heap of regret and self-loathing.
I burned through $3000 all on various credit cards.  Credit is easy to get, it’s the paying back that is hard.  In my history of gambling I have lost approximately $250,000 cdn. dollars in slot machine gambling.  I pretend that it’s okay, when really it is not okay.  I pretend that I can do this on my own, when clearly I cannot.  I pretend I can spend a limited amount, when I cannot.  I pretend that life is worth living, when it is not worth living as an active  gambling addict. 
I need help and I am here.  More later.
 

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