[HappaTheSmall2]

Hello I am a German Poker Player, 20 years Old, gambling only Poker but did also BJ and Roulette and also some Slots but Slots didn’t addict me at all. Blackjack addicted me a Little Bit because The House Advantage is so small compared to Other Games, well and Poker totallly addicted me.

I am Here and I know it is Never too Late for change.

My Finances are okay (well I am 20).

But I have had TERRIBLE days which no1 Knows of.
I have lost 5000€ at One DAY.

My First Big Loss was When I was 17 or 16 I lost 300€ playing Roulette using a progressive System Most of you probably know.

The Good Thing about this though was that I got a no deposit bonus of 10€ and “worked” myself up to 150€ then Played Roulette to 300€ and then lost it all back.

So in total I didnt lose anything, well I lost Hope and Time and The Löß felt like 300€ but well…Hard to describe.

Since I still thought at that time that Poker was Mostly dominated by skill I kept playing Poker and deposited many many manyyyy Times.

It was Always The Same. I won some Money like 50-100€ then lost it back by playing too High stakes

But then there was that Moment I still Remember I Played Poker again and it felt so Easy and somehow I won I got Lucky you should say.

This was The Day where I made 700$ in 3 days which was all The Money in The World to me back then. I think I wasn’t Even 18 at that time.

Playing Blackjack and Roulette I didnt because I was playing on a Poker-Only Site.

So what Happend then?

700$ was Nice but I WANTED my account to have 1000$ in It because this Would have a Nice Charm. I thought it Would Fee. Really Good to say that I have won 1000$ Rather than 700$ because Even with The 700$ I was losing player Overall.

So One Part of what Happend at that day was due to The optical appearance of 1000$ and The Other Part was Breaking Even OVERALL or lifetime I should say.

Ok now I Tell you what Happend to The 700$: Simply I lost to a Pro playing 100$ SNG Stakes.

Then I was very sad but I had no Chance. I had to Gamble again. This time with more discipline I said.

But results didnt change.

I had Nice Runs I had a Nice “Grind” winning 30 Buyins in a Night playing 8 hrs straight like there were Always rewarding situations.

Then Something really Nice Happend I deposited 50€ maybe and everything went Nice.

And then I won an 8$ 360 player SNG coming in 1st and Cashing in 600$.

I was back on my Route on Breaking Even.

With The 600$ unfortunately I gambled but I won at The 100-500$ stakes.

But then After losing like 50€ I become desperate Played a 1000$ Heads up Against The best poker player in The World “Lotte_Lenya” and lost.

So I was very broke then.

This felt Even Worse then losing The 700$ that One Time before because When 700$ was The World to me back then you Must know what 1500$ was too me (what I lost that day).

Then there was also That one Time where I got Sick and gambled away 500$ in like 3 Minutes which was in a Hospital and I was soooo sad about it……Its hard to express with words The feeling. I lost it and there were People in The room.

I felt such shame, no1 in that room knew about my Loss but. I felt ashamed and wanted to die.

So suicidal thoughts came and go. I Never made an honest attempt to kill myself.

I knew that thinking about suicide for ME was just seeking for help.

BUT THEN I kept playing and It Seemed like I had my “One Time” already ( I ran superhot many many Times) but I had a Run a Run where I won all The Money back and Even won MORE lifetime.

(One-Time is a commonly used Term for Tournament Poker Players When they are all-in with their Tournament Life on The Line When they are behind in terms of winning probability and seek for their Lucky Card to win)

This was supernice and Since I withdraw there was no Way I Could get back go that Money.

After that I had sucessful Period of Time where I won and some was due to Luck but then I won 5000€ And 1 Week later lost 5500€.

My biggest Loss is 5000€ a Day.

What do I want to change?

I want to Play responsibly without losing Money.

I have Background in Skill Games and am thinking analitically.
I believe in determinism.

I dont believe in god.
I believe in Mathematics and Science.

Also I think Poker has skill Elements and isn’t pure gambling BUT IT CAN BE. And It was and IS for me now GAMBLING Sometimes.

I am a compulsive gambler and am ABOUT to destroy my Life.

It will Happen Soon.
There is no Way to get me to stop because my gambling is Supporten by my rationality.

I think my Brain has two WAYS to THINK

Rational Brain: I am thinking logically and playing Poker Profitably over a long Period of Time (Months or years).

My rationality also Knows that Poker has Ups and downs and you can lose over 1 Month Period of Time. It also Knows that Short Term results dont matter logically but then there is my.

Irrational/emotional behaviour: Emotions are Not irrational I Figured watching a Video about Psychology especially about Something Called “Tilt” in Poker.

But “Tilt” may or may Not be The best Word to describe me. I Would go that far to say that I am basically on The Edge of being a compulsive gambler.

Well how do I get irrational.

It Always Starts with a Loss.

The Question is what Loss it was.

If it was a “Bad Loss” or If I Feel someone Feels superior than me this is a Bad Loss then, then I Feel anxious.

Then what Happens then.

I am shocked about he Loss (shocked). Then I am sad (sad). Then I get angry (angry). And then I get more angry When I lose one more time (really angry). And then I explode (desperation).

When I explode I KNOW that I am doing a mistake but I just DONT CARE.

I am so frustrated, irritated, emotional, lost in The Situation, worrying, anxious, fearful, angry, Mad, that I just open up a 1000$ table or 1000€ table whatever and I play!!

Because there is my Ego: I am a bad loser, in Skillgames however I am a good loser!!!

So this Means that The Loss is Not The Problem.

It Could be that unexpected situations are problematic for me and this is True.

I just can’t deal with unexpected situations as well but I definately got a Little Bit better yesterday (Progress).

Might have to do with me Strong belief of determinism which is distinct of Probabilities.

[HappaTheSmall2]

I am also very ambitious.

For me The 2nd Place is Not acceptable and I ALWAYS wanted and Always want and Always WILL want to be The best at everything.

I am very ambitious.

I dont know if a win at a world championship Would Satisfy me but it might well Idk but that is my Dream.

Being The World Champion at anything.

I also Cant Deal well with stress. v.v

[charles]

Hi Happa and welcome to the Forum.

I hope you start to read some of the other stories here. You will see a lot of people who are in a similar situiation to yourself, you will also read some of the success stories – what are they doing that you could apply to your own situation?

You talk about your rational brain, well maybe apply it to two of your statements?

“I want to Play responsibly without losing Money.”

“I am a compulsive gambler and am ABOUT to destroy my Life.”

Unfortunately whether rationally, emotionally or indeed any other ally those two things are incompatible. Once we cross the line into Compulsive Gambling there is no long term return to normal controlled gambling I’m afraid.

You want to be one of the players who win big at tournaments? To be a pro? Ok, now look at the 20 questions on the GA website. How many yeses do you score? How many yeses do you think a pro would score?

You will be reading a lot of things you won’t want to read, you will be advised to do a lot of things you won’t want to do.

The biggest question you have to ask yourself might be whether you want to do those things now? Or later when you are deeper in trouble? Keep posting and let us know how many yeses you score.

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/20-questions

[HappaTheSmall2]

Okay I have 16 “Yes”. But something are really in The past and dont reflect The Actually Situation.

[charles]

Then you have a decison to make, you certainly “qualify” as a Compulsive Gambler. This is a progressive problem so do you want to start to try and stop gambling now? Or at a later stage when you might be answering yes to 17? 18? 19? 20?

From what you say you have a gambling addiction, now the question is what are you prepared to do about it?

[HappaTheSmall2]

I am really Aware that there is a Problem.

For example When I Try to sleep it is really Hard After gambling.

I want to do Something about it but I dont know WHAT to do ;(

Actually it is Easy for me to stop gambling but then I can’t generate a Nice income by it.

I really want The Money but I am Surfering obviously due to gambling… but also want to making some Money (atm I Could make 100$/Month).

I think its immoral to value Money Over my Personal Health but its legit because I think without Money I am Not worth anything.

Being Good or Having a Nice Charakter trait is a Nice Thing.
But you Gotta think about The Money too. 😐

[HappaTheSmall2]

Today I gambled Poker again but it went really well.

I didn’t get too emotional and didn’t Feel The desire to Play higher stakes than I can afford.

Just in Case I restricted my account to a certain Stake Level that I can’t cross. If I want to Set The Maximum Stake Level it Would Take 24 hours until it gets approved.

So probably I will lose my Money Soon because Im compulsive but I will Try atleast to stay disciplined.

Maybe if I get in The Mood to Play Stakes I can’t afford I will change my Maximum Stake Limit.

But then maybe I Write Here and you have some Helpful words for me that will stop me from doing Bad Things in terms of gambling.

Happathesmall

[vera]

Good to meet you in the group a few days ago, Happa!
Like you, I am a compulsive gambler.
The disease doesn’t go away.
Recovery will not come to us unless we reach out for it.
Nobody can persuade us to stop gambling unless we want to….
I smiled when you referred to gambling as a way to “generate a nice income”….I generated a nice income from gambling but it went TO THE CASINO OWNER!
Don’t try to “whitewash” this terrible addiction!
I’m a lot older but maybe not so much wiser than you and I can tell you that gambling will ruin your life and it will all end in tears so listen to the advice that you are getting here on GT and live your life in peace.
You seem like a very intelligent young man but the addiction is not fussy. It grabs the young the old the rich the poor. No escape once you are sucked in.
Just for TODAY do not gamble!

[Mred321]

Back in my younger days I am now 50 something, I thought I could beat the horses. Yes some think of this as a skill reading the racing form looking at the races previously run by the entrants in the race and try to decipher the winning horse. Yes I would have a few days in a row of “beating” the horses. Yes some people are able to do this consistently. But they are able to pick a very few horses a day and only bet on them. However I myself could not do this very well . I needed to be in action every race . It was getting so bad even when I would pick the winner of the race I would still lose because I would try then to hit the first 3 horses so I could few hundred dollars. but instead would lose and keep losing. Then I was making loans off of my credit cards with the intention of paying it all back when that big win came… I did however win big a few times. But guess what happened then. I bet even more . I also thought like you at first when I came to a gamblers anonymous meeting.[ I dont know if have went to one yet I would suggest you go to one if you haven’t. ]I thought I could go to meetings and get my gambling under control. Well I am here to tell that did not go very well. They actually told me I had to stop gambling and to try to improve my character. I thought I dont need to improve anything. I just need to control money better. Well that didnt work very well. I just ended up losing my house, job and most of my family because I owed all of them money. well to make a long story short. after years of trying to gamble like a normal person and failing. I am here to tell you. Be careful of what you do . Thank you for taking time to read this … Any Questions let me know . I am away from home alot working . so might take me a few days to answer

[HappaTheSmall2]

I have The Dream to become a Professional Poker Player, I Always put my heartblood into it and I will Never let my Dream and poker go.

Poker is Not a Game for me it Means Freedom to me :(..

Everyone Here who tells me to stop gambling Could be right but I am really desperate and hopeless without my poker.

What Else should I do then Play and win Money?

Got no Friends, no job, no Hope…

Really U See I can’t stop because this is my Life.
However what I Try is being more Responsible and so far (The Last 3 days) I suceeded in Responsible Gaming.

Maybe I can Gamble in a controlled Fashion…. Maybe no1 can do this but me? Maybe I am Special?

Could this be?

[vera]

If you really believe that your dream will come true, then nobody can stop you gambling Happa. Playing poker for money IS gambling. Eventually CGs lose so maybe you will update this thread regularly to let the readers know how you are doing. Winning or losing?
Poker, or any other form of gambling for a CG , does not mean FREEDOM. It means SLAVERY!
I am sad to hear you have no friends, no hope, or no life without gambling.
Will gambling give you any of those things?
I can tell you it will not! On the contrary it takes EVERYTHING from us……………

[HappaTheSmall2]

Gambling already took everything from me. My Money, my Time, my Friends, my School I even sold my Soul and my nerves.

This is already such a High Price that I won’t just Quit it.
Do you guys understand?

I know you call that sunk Costs but there is a Barrier in my mind that doesn’t want to give up all my efforts.

I’m Not dumb I know that.

The Thing with Poker is Similiar to Lets say blackjack I think Thats a Nice example.

In Blackjack you should Hit with a 12 Against a Ten of The Dealer.
Also you should stand with a hard 12 Against a 6.
Lets say someone Plays The Game and doesn’t know This Basic Strategy. He will lose more than someone that Knows this Strategy.

Same with Poker.

You can go all-in with The worst Starting Hand which is 7-2 offsuit but that move has a more negative expectation than just playing normal.

Noone does this 7-2 Stuff.
One mistake many People do is they fold (Pass, Throw away) their Hand too often.

I dont want to go in too much into Details but basically you Hit a pair or better in like 1/3 of The Times which Means you have Ace High or Worse 2/3 of The Time.

There are Players that just play on The Flop When they have a pair. Thats The Thing with poker.

This style that player does, it doesn’t mean that it is gambling.

But if he keeps doing that then someone Could abuse this player like this: Bet every Flop, he will fold 2/3 of The Time so Choose a small betsize (it has to work less often)

However if this player was Facing Even Worse Players he Could Easily be a Winner and live in The Dream that he knew how to Play This Game.

Poker is a Zero Sum Game which is Not Played Against The casino. But they Charge a Fee for Every Pot that is bigger than 20c or so which is 5%.

So if you make that Edge that The Casinos have on you up by playing better than your opponents you Could win.

But on The flipside it Means that The losers of poker lose really Big because they are paying The House AND also The better Players.

So Poker is really The worst Game you Could Play if you’re losing at it and if you play High Your Money is gone so fast you can’t Even Look That fast.

[HappaTheSmall2]

To your 1st Question)

Nah I dont think so but im Not sure..

2) Is gambling affecting me from Finding Friends?

In some Degree it does affect me. I have less Time also Meaning less Time for Friends But also I like to Gamble BECAUSE I have no Friends.

It was Never like I Had a Lot of Friends or lost a Lot of Friends due to gambling. More like a Lot of boredom that Drove me to Play because I have no Friends and generally am more riskfriendly.
Ugh… I think so many factors Play a role.

3) what do I expect to get from Here or what was I expecting When coming Here?

First I wanted to have someone to Talk about my Loss who is neutral (!)
Then I wanted to gain Knowledge by coming Here (Why do I have such a Strong desire to Gamble Sometimes? What are The Most effective ways to avoid this Strong desire to Gamble?)

So yea I’m still Looking for Nice strategies that help my mind to be more Balanced and in The end don’t Gamble!

And I have my own Definition of gambling 😉

[Author]

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