[critias7]

My first bet was in October of 2009.  I was about to fly home from Las Vegas and stopped to play Roulette for a few minutes and won $35.  This would prove to be the most expensive $35 of my life.

I later noticed that there were match play coupons in the student coupon books at my University.  For a couple years I would only go into the card rooms and play the coupons and then leave immediately.  It’s hard to believe, but in this time I won about 9K mostly only on these coupons and offers.  It got to be a game of every day at the beginning of work I could write down whether I won $20 or lost $10 the previous day.

Of course, this eventually evolved into legitimate gambling without the coupons and I was on my way towards being a compulsive gambler.  I remember years ago I lost $100 and it felt like the world had ended.  This loss increased the next time to $500 and then $1500.  I decided to attend GA but didn’t feel I really belonged there then.  About 30 months ago I lost 10K in about 24 hours.  I joined a really good group of GA members then and for about 2.5 years I was clean, though our group eventually folded up when we lost our meeting place.

This brings us up to what happened to me about 4 days ago.  I was feeling down as a girl I had asked out hadn’t called me back.  I very rarely go on dates and I’m 42 without a partner for many years.  In my twisted mind I resolved that if she didn’t text me back I’d go to the bank and withdraw 5K to go gamble at the casino about 15 minutes from my job after work.  I had gotten the money and on my way to the casino I heard the noise that she had contacted me and wanted to meet later that night.  I had the money in an envelope in my pocket and should have resolved to change my mind then and there.

I’m sure all of you can tell how this ended up.  I lost the 5K at the Blackjack table and somehow made it to my first date later that night.  Not sure how I kept up a good face with the girl, but I managed it.  Called in sick the next day at work and went back to the bank and withdrew another 5K.  I resolved that I’d only lose 5K at a time and stop to think for a minute about what I was doing.  I rationalized that if I could save the last 5K of my 15K of savings I could still pay my mortgage and other bills for the month.

As of last Tuesday, I’ve lost almost all of my savings in my checking account.  I still have other assets like my house and an investment property, though I don’t know how I can afford to make repairs on them for the next few months.  I might be able to scrape by if I cut everything non-essential out of my expenses.  It took me about 2.5 years to save the 15K and losing it hurts, but what I’m really scared by is losing the respect of my friends and family.  I told my mother about what I’d done and she is really supportive.  I’m going to go back to GA and really try to commit to it.  Any feedback all of you might have would be appreciated.

[charles]

Hi Critias and welcoem to the forum.

The good news is that you know what works, get back to your GA meetings. Using this site as well you can be stronger still.

It sounds like that is a convenient casino to go to? Ask them to exclude you. Your mum is being supportive, great. As you recoup your savings then I would recommend removing your unaccountable access to them. Remove instant access – keep them in a less accessible account. Your mum could help with accountability.

Keep posting.

[finding_laura]

Hi Critias and welcome to the forum.

I understand how painful a relapse can be. After 5 and a half years of gamble free time I started gambling again. I came to the conclusion that not maintaining some form of connection with my recovery resulted in my relapse. I was going through a rough period of time and because I was no longer going to GA, addictions counseling or using this site i didn’t deal with it in a productive way. It took me a while to come back to recovery. But I am back here connecting and am thankful to have over a year back in. Charles is right, reaching out to GA or perhaps some counseling may help. Posting here about how things are going can help maintain a recovery connection. I hope you slip back into your recovery ways. It is not quite so foreign the second time round.
take care,
Laura

[critias7]

Thanks for the replies.  I reposted my orignal message earlier because I couldn’t remember if I’d put in in the My Journal Section.  Had to look after an elderly parent for a few days recently, so I wasn’t around.  I’m going to GA and trying to find a councelor that I work well with, but many of them are not accepting new patients.  I’m going on a trip in a few days and maybe that’ll take my mind off of things.  I’m just praying that no more major expenses come up for the next few months, as I can’t afford them right now.  Always been really good at saving money, aside from 1 major expection, which is blackjack.  Even after being gone from it for 2.5 years it can still rear its head in your life again.  Wish me luck.

[critias7]

I’m actually considering self excluding myself from the 8 or so casinos that are in easy access to my normal haunts.  There seem to be so many in my State.  If I can just make it a bit more difficult to find one I have access to perhaps that would be enough to make it past the initial urge to go to one.

[finding_laura]

Hi Critias, hope you enjoy your time away. Try not to stress about unforseen expenses. I know, easier said than done. Just take it a day at a time. When you start recovering financially you’ll have to look at what you can do to protect your money. It keeps us from going into total destruct mode in face of a relapse. Hopefully you’ll find someone you can work in a counseling capacity soon. It all helps. Catch you in group one evening maybe. Take care, Laura

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