[icandothis]

Hello Everyone, A new thread for the New Year. I had my old thread (Today is the First Day of My Spiritual Journey) deleted. I honestly didn’t do this for myself, or out of denial, or regret for anything I wrote. I had this uneasy feeling that someone in my family (one person in particular) might read my thread and be very emotionally damaged by what I wrote about. It feels kind of weird to just delete an entire thread. Sometimes I flew off the handle, sometimes I lashed out, sometimes I cried in despair, sometimes I didn’t know exactly what I was talking about, many times I gave my posts a lot of thought. Anyway, good, bad, and ugly…it was my journey…and it still is. I really didn’t want to delete it for me, but thought I had to do it if someone I care about could be hurt. As my original post suggests, I believe in every day being a first day, a chance to start over. My new thread, I hope, will be less about where I have been and more about where I am going. (Even if Recovery Road takes me down some dark alleys.) I have said that I am not sure what recovery looks like for me, but I am willing to give it everything I have!
PS: My computer crashed January 1 and that is why I have not been posting. Will try to post as much as I can. Vera, your opening post for January Pact was wonderful! There is so much healing going on here. My prayer for everyone this year is to be gentle with yourselves and to focus on your recovery no matter what!!!

[icandothis]

Hi everyone, Having a hard time shaking this feeling of doom and gloom.   All that philosophizing yesterday.  Thinking it’s a bunch of cr##.  Bottom line, and I have always been this way.  Tell me I can’t do something or I tell myself I can’t do something makes me want to do it all the more.    I think that is why in the beginning I focused on recovery more than not gambling.  I am done trying to figure it out.  It doesn’t matter, all I have been thinking about is gambling, and some how I need to find a way to stop.

[cat438]

Hi Ican, yes I hate those feelings after I have gambled. One thing that is important to remember is ‘HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF".  I know for me it’s a dangerous time after I have slipped/gambled as I give in to the thoughts quicker and end up gambling again. 
I am sitting on the forum reading and writing posts.  I know I should be doing laundry and tidying up, but I find myself not being able to get up of my but and do things. I think we all get those feelings of missing our friend LOL, what we think of us our friend.  Strange if I was going to go throw money in the slots I would have lots of energy.  So what does that tell you.  It is taking time to get the joy back in every day life since I stopped gambling, but I am going to continue to fight my friend… or it should really ne called my enemy…. as it sure as **** is no friend to any of us.
Chin up and keep fighting our enemy one day at a timeOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[amyyy]

I get what ur saying Ican. ‘Working recovery so i will not gamble’- Sounds like a great plan to me.
Thinking about never gambling again can be daunting and to say to yourself "i can never gamble again"- its scary. And actually if i can share with ya – it doesnt help my psyche personally. Yeah logically i can reason that gambling will most likely result in what it ussually does- me spending too much money and disregarding limits of time etc and also will probably then lead me to want to gamble more to chase the losses and to keep the "buzz" going. (stay in the game) – This i can see easily and can accept that when i look back that is the pattern.
But my mind doesnt like to be told i cannot do something. Simply the way it is. So i have had to be creative and walk a thin line- I keep myself aware that yeah at anytime i can gamble- and remind myself of what will realistically result from it- and do i really want that outcome- or am i just entertaining a fantasy- and looking for the escape i used to get from gambling?
Funny thing is after we start recovery we cant seem to get the same escape from gambling anymore anyways- because we are aware of it and it simply doesnt work anymore. Just compounds the guilt more. (my experience from when i realised gambling was much more than just a little problem and everytime i had tried to stop or gamble responsibly etc- i found wen i did gamble it wasnt enjoyable and i had much more heightened sense of anxiety and even guilt- cos i knew it was damaging to what i was tryin to achieve?) if that makes sense.
Basically the main thing that works for me is that i want to see how great my life can become without gambling- i want to live it and experience it for myself- i want to face the challenges and the obstacles that i avoid when i gamble- and i want to grow and change and have my views and lifestyle evolve. I want to learn to live healthier and be the best ‘me’ that i can be. I want to discover the untapped potential – maybe? Basically get inspired to live the best life you can for yourself. Each day is another oppurtunity to develop a skill or learn something new- connect with another person- work on a goal – make a plan- fullfill a dream. Each day is another gift.
Make recovery fun! Make it a happy and exciting and rewarding place to be- make it how u want it to be- Be gentle with you and be proud to keep re-affirming your decision to stop gambling. Make yourself happy while u are not gambling is probably the most important thing u can do. Abstaining from gambling cannot feel like a puishment- or else it will not stick as a long term lifestyle change- who wants to feel deprived all the time?
wow sorry for the ramblings- just a few thoughts for ya cos you said u were struggling and needed support chicky- so hope ya feel better and can turn around ur thoughts a little and start enjoying your recovering. Its a process of blossoming- the blossoming is the process x

[luvs2garden]

Great words Amyyy, I sure can relate to them.
You just wrote about the many thoughts roaming around my head.
Honestly, it becomes exhausting thinking all the time!
Wishing you strength, peace and joy!

[Anonymous]

hope all is going well with ya.  monday and who likes those i guess.  lol   hope yours is a good one.

[cat438]

Hi Ican, just dropping by for a coffee and a chat LOL  just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I hope you are doing okay.  I love the post by Amyyy… I think we can all relate to it.  Don’t think about a week or a month from here Ican, just think of today.  I know you can get through today!!!  Wishing you a wonderful recovery day ODAATOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[icandothis]

Hi Cat,  Just having coffee myself.  Both yours and Amyy’s posts were great and I have been meaning to respond and tell you so, but I have been caught up in a project.   I am giving a shower for my girlfriend’s daughter.  I felt pressured into having it in the first place, and I should have known better, as this friend is high-maintenence in general.  The shower isn’t until May 6, so I thought I would get them out early next week and focus on Easter this week.  My girlfriend only gave me the guest list Sunday and then tells me that they really need to get out early this week.  That’s more than 4 weeks in advance!  …she took 3 weeks to get me the guest list!  So I think, ok, I’ll get them done and then I can focus on Easter.  As I get older, I can only focus on one thing at a time. lol   The theme is pink, so I went online to get ideas.  Found something from Martha Stewart.  **** that Martha Stewart.  The idea was to glue different patterns of pink paper on cardstock,  I added a bow to the inside of each card.  Very cute,  only one problem, after gluing, gluing, gluing for the last two days, I discovered that the paper doesn’t stick to the cardstock!  Back to the drawing board.  This time I bought a kit, but I had to start completely over.  So, that is what I am doing, assembling cards.  These are cute, too, and include a picture of the wedding couple.  No gluing necessary.  Sorry to go on about that.  But generally I am feeling better and beginning to be able to focus on recovery more and my past mistakes less.  Gambling really beat me up good.  Next time, let’s talk about that exercise program.  That’s right, Cat, you have been talking about it alot lately, and it is time for action!   Have a great day, and maybe take a little walk!

[i am hope]

Hey i can, sounds like you are very very busy of late!! Good you can focus on recovery.  Talk about exercise, oh yes i need to do some of that too, oh yes i definately do
 Living with Hope

[amyyy]

Hi ican….the shower sounds so gorgeous! I adore pink. Sounds like alot of work- but a labour of love lol. And besides its fun and keeps you busy and creative and your mind off gambling so it must be a good thing.
Great to hear you doing well and are in good spirits- look forward to reading an update x

[Anonymous]

so how goes it with you?  only at day 7 myself and guess a week dont feel like much and not bringing on any party plans any way.  lol  hope your doing well with your days and keepinger clean.

[icandothis]

Another day 1.  Someone talked about shame and guilt.  I hate it.  I think it’s easier to change if we can let go of it.  I am doubting my ability to change and all I have to show for what I have done is shame and guilt.  I really don’t want to say much at this time.  So many fears, doubts but I can have a good life…it’s up to me.  I hope my husband can stay with me and forgive me.  He deserves more than I have given him.  I am going to ***** days because every day matters, and every day I must make a conscious effort not to gamble, and then hopefully begin to fill days with something better.  Life is too precious and short to live this way.  ENOUGH!

[vera]

Every day is DAY 1 for a CG, Ican!
The day we become unaware of this, is a day that we become vulnerable.
The addiction lies dormant and will remain so until we give it power to overcome us.
I recommend that you read Twilight’s thread on F and F. Very sobering thoughts and her story pertains to every CG, potentially.

[Anonymous]

i know what you mean when you say our resolves weakens, i certainly felt it on sunday, i felt really weakend and the beast pounched on me, because i was vulnerable, you see, it is ruthless, and i gambled on sunday after 13 weeks free days, amazing, now i am back on track, i fell off the horse but i am back on it, and i have my lasoo of truth. i have learnt in ***** of boredom to be happy, not to go gambling, i realised after gambling the pain and stresses are still there if not worse, so we have to ask oursleves what is the point? we are still in pain, what we are doing and thinking is not working for us, how is gambling going to get to the cause of our misery. there is always another way. we have to sound confident, and walk with pride, because pride and strength and power, will come to us when we have gambling free days, we may have our problems, which need to be resolved no doubt, but gambling had nothing to fix, it fixes nothing. we have to feel good, when i say feel good, i mean ****, powerful, strong, and leave our drama for a higher power to resolve, recovery will resolve our issues, we just need to remain faithful, and believe in ourselves. it is time to paper ourselves mentally. we are all here. us girls and boys, i talk alot of bull, but there is strength in numbers, we have to stop this gambling demon somehow, one person at a time, i will tell you how it is, it is going down, keep cruising those gambling free days, and say to yourself you are confident, you are a believer, you are going to use your super power whatever to overcome this demon. for sure, if you feel it, you can get through easier. it’s time to be proud and feel it.

[cat438]

Hi Ican, don’t feel guilt and shame you are in recovery and these things happen and you came right back.  It is not easy and some days I would love the release of just going in the Casino to play those machines again… just once, but I know that is not possible.  I had a terrible time in February and it has scared me so much and I keep thinking about it… I thought that I could go back occasionally once or twice and control it.  LOL we really do like to fool ourselves with our thoughts… after 7 days straight in February I knew that I was back on the destruction train.  I hated being back to Day 1 again so I did not ***** the days, but they are mounting up now.  I know that I will not gamble today and that is all I can commit to.  I can’t judge anyone else as I know that it could just as easily be me back saying I am on Day 1 again!!!  We all care about you Ican and like Vera says every day is Day 1.  When I get to the stage of doubts, which I often do… I keep going back to Harry’s comment "Have Faith in Yourself" and I say it to myself many ***** when I want to run to a Casino.   One day at a time my sweet lord…

[icandothis]

Day 2.  So nice to get caring responses after being away and taking a deliberate detour on the road to recovery.  Yesterday was a "normal" day or it could have been, maybe even a great day, but then, you just keeping remembering that it is day 1.  My hubby and I went to a resort town and had dinner with his family and then went to a show that was a tribute to Frank Sinatra.  Would not have felt bad about the extravagence if I hadn’t gambled.  Also, thinking husband knows I gambled but doesn’t know the damage yet.  Thinking that his family thinks I’m ok, but I’m not.  Can’t relax and enjoy myself because I don’t deserve it and I am thinking that I am a terrible person.  Always hiding the person I really am.  Now today, mixed with the shame and guilt is regret and "I just can’t believe I did that!"  and "Why did I have to do that?" …"I could be enjoying my life if I didn’t keep messing up!"….I know I did this to myself and my family…just sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I am going away for the weekend to pick up my daughter in New York City, so I will be away for a couple of days.  But I will be back posting on Monday continuing to record this crazy road to recovery. 

[Author]

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