[markf]

Its been over 6 months now since I finished my rehab at Gordon House. I was very fortunate to find a job that I really enjoyed immediately after finishing but due to budget constraints it came to an end a few weeks ago and I have had ot sign back on benefits.
I have done all the right things since leaving GH. I have stayed in Dudley only round the corner from rehab whilst I am still finding my feet again. I have kept on top of all my bills. I still budget each and every week, never spend beyond my means, remain in close touch with the staff at GH and my friends that I met there. I am honest with myself and leading an honest life, not rushing, keeping busy with the gym, socialising etc…………
Yet with all the above in the past 3 weeks, all of a sudden with job security benign taken away I have started to feel pressure and thoughts of gambling have entered my mind. These thoughts are not strong and I have not come even close to entertaining them but still they have been there and might be there again tomorrow for all I know?
The point is, I have had these thoughts but done something positive about them. I have talked about them with my friends from rehab who understand. I have spoken about them with my family and I am not letting them take over.
Without the support of friends or family I may have let these thoughts become actions before too long and that would only lead to my total melt down.
I have no idea if I am strong enough now to continue through life without support for my addiction BUT I dont ever intend to find out. Once in recovery I will ALWAYS be in recovery and therefore will ALWAYS continue to gain support and strengths from those around me.
The tools i learnt in rehab have been a huge help for me right now. Firstly dealing with being back on benefits and living off very little money. I can do it. I did it for 6 months in rehab so I can do it again. Secondly patience. I am desperate to find another job and applying for loads every day but its not going to happen over night. I am finding the whole situation deflating and demoralising but I am now able to cope and think rationally.
If it was not for rehab I would have treated these last 3 weeks very differently indeed and more then likely gambled heavily and caused mayhem. So I take a lot of positives out of my situation. I am learning how to cope with life better. Its not always easy and everyone at one point or another struggles with what life throws at them. Now i feel that I can tackle these problems like people who are not addicts (ie in a rational way that will not cause self destruction).
It is also clear to me that in years to come, whenever i hit a difficult patch I am likely to have thoughts of gambling. They could well continue to plague me for the next 50 years in times of difficulty.
I am and will be in recovery forever and must make sure that I continue to get help and support forever.
Best wishes
Mark

[vera]

Hi Mark!
Glad to have met you briefly in the chat!
Sorry to hear your job has gone "belly-up", your’s and thousands of others, but thats not much consolation right now!
I have no doubt that you ‘ll get anither job soon. Any employer with an eye in his head will recognise your qualities a mile off! They shine through your posts.
Turning to gambling when we get out of a routine or when we feel belittled or demoralised is a typical escape for a CG. I ve been off work for a month (except for yesterday) and I cannot believe how lack of structure and routine sent me into a chaotic  ****. My habits have become crazy. Over eating. Up all night. Leaving tasks incomplete and postponing essential jobs…and. yes, you guessed it! GAMBLING!
Take a fool’s advice Mark and stick to a strict routine. Plan your days, even if it only means walking around the block at regular intervals!
I’m beginning to realise that my life consists only of two things. Gambling and not gambling!
When I gamble I gamble compulsively.
Likewise with work!
Having the break away from work, taught me that I am not the only one who can do the job! One of my work colleagues  has been hinting at that a lot but I see him as "lazy" and have told him, " maybe if you did a bit more , I could do a bit less". He disagrees! He says ww should just do the alloted work and that I kill myself! Food for thought!
I certainly "kill myself" gambling!
Finding balance and an in-between structure is a good tool, I think.
Great that you are carrying a BAG of tools Mark!
Use them well!
P.S. I spoke to Harry just now re "stray" e-mails!
BE GOOD!
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Mark
Many non addicts do not always tackle their problems in a rational way although I agree they do not usually set themselves on a path of self destruction! You, however, are tackling your temporary glitch with a logical rationality and loads of common sense.  I admire you for it and appreciate the importance of writing your post which I have had the privilege of reading and which as an F&F member has brought me great warmth.
I wish you success in your search for another job but I am convinced that having those important friends around you and supporting you, along with the courage you have shown in controlling your addiction, is more important.
I will be happy if, when I face the next difficult patch that life chucks up at me, I can face it with as much fortitude as you have shown.   The bravery that you and others like you have faced against such a terrible adversary makes you very special and I eagerly look forward to reading more positive posts from you. 
Velvet

[Anonymous]

Just like to say well done too Mark, adjustments to a routine that we’re used to can really knock us of balance. Like you I’ve been through GH, however probably because I was too sure of myself have had several gambling episodes before I started putting into place everything that I had learned there. I think I remember you posting when you were in the halfway house. You’ve shown first class awareness noticing these gambling thoughts and questioning where they came from, it not alaways as simple as just having no money.
Did you have any gambling thoughts at all before you lost your job? I am pleased that you had your awareness with you during these last three weeks, I know for me it always seemed to fade a bit when things were going well and it was hard to find it again when things went a bit pear shape. I think youve done the best think by going and talking about this to your mates from GH, and impressed that you were able to talk about this with your family. Something I would guess would seldom or never happen pre GH days.
Well done Mark..
Geordie.I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.

[Author]

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