[jayson]

Well what can i say, i had a bet on thursday, then a bet on sunday and then on monday, Its like i ve clicked that button hidden away “self destruct mode is now active”. Only 5 months clean time , but feels like it was all for nothing, and im contently fighting thoughs in my head with other thoughts. One part of me head just wants to dig a deeper hole, and try and win bk some money, and see where it takes me this time, the other side of me head is fighting back with i just want a normal life, things familys do i.e holidays….i could flip a coint to decide , would make it easier!
Last night i was looking to blame sum1 or find excuses, but i know myself only i made myself gamble, at least GA learnt me something.Maybe its time after 15 months to try and work the steps, dont get them at all and have never been explained to me, at my 1st meet i just got given an orange book and told to read this.The other books ive accumilated have been given to me from meets i have visited.
STEP 1.We addmited we were powerless over gambleing and our lifes have become unmanageable…..
im kinda screwed i carnt even do step 1 ! If i addmited to that i wouldnt be writting here now after 15 months.
Well i’d thought i’d share a little, thing is when i first seeked help i was forced by the missis, now 15mnths later i have a choice for the 1st time, which path do i want to take…only i can answer that one, but im not ready to yet im afraid.
well ive rambled on for to much now as u guess im confused, upset and full of self pity !
i wish everyone well in their own recovery
Jay last bet yesterday

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