[Johnny B]

I was reading a forum post today where a particular sentence rang true to me. It said “I have hurt people who did not ask to get dragged into this!”

I look back at the losses, and obviously the money is an issue, but I am certain many of us have begged, borrowed or stolen money from friends and family to feed the cycle. Looking at that with fresh eyes is where my recovery started. I continue each day to not gamble, mostly for myself, but also for all of those who believe in me.

My father is an alcoholic, and in his worst times, I remember not wanting anything to do with him… If he wasn’t going to help himself, why should I worry about it….. Then it dawned on me, that I had involved all of my family, and closest friends into my problems. There was always judgment passed down, which was fair because they all had a vested stake in me doing the right thing. I find I can live with my own disappointments toward myself, but looking at how I have hurt those around me, makes me want to change. Our families and friends care about what happens to us, even if we think they are unaware, they know something is wrong.

Fresh eyes, strong thoughts…today is my next gamble free day. I am finding it easier to accept, and much easier to control every day that passes. Not naive enough to think I won’t want to do it ever again, but for now, It is completely under control! And guess what…I am in control! Strength comes from a positive foundation, staying in control. Weakness is fed from the CG allowing the doubt back inside. Let’s all stay strong not just for ourselves, but for all who care about us!

[alliesmum]

Hi Johnny
We are all guilty of hurting people we care about due to our gambling habits. I have hurt people with my gambling.

This isn’t something I was going to share but I really hurt my sister.
She is my rock, my best friend and I love that girl with every bone in my body.
I hurt her with my gambling habits. I had to ask her for some money a few months ago to be able to pay my rent. She had my bank login details and went on to check my statements.
She came to my house in pieces. The girl I love so much was crumbling before my eyes. In that moment I wanted to be dead. I wasn’t willing to talk to anyone about my addiction as I didn’t think anyone would understand. I was wrong.

Now that I have been open and honest about my addiction and I am seeking the help I need my sister and I are on great terms.

Today I am 5 days into my recovery and have done everything within my power to stay that way. We can’t change what we have done but we can improve.

Lots of love xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Johnny ,
We all carry a lot of guilt for those we have hurt.
I remember a close family member who died shortly after Christmas . I remember the expression on his face when he opened my present which was quite frankly an insult .
When I remember it is like a scar reopening on my heart .
I guess at some stage we have to forgive ourselves .
I don’t know how we can do this but sometimes the memories are so painful I guess we need to .

Well done to you and to Alliesmum on your gamble free time .

[finding_laura]

I’ve always found recovery and facing the past a bit of a tight rope walk. We need to remember how OUR gambling impacted our loved ones who never asked for any of the chaos and destruction that it brought to their lives. And no matter how hard we tried to shield them it touched them. But on the other hand we can’t stay mired in those bad feelings and memories or it will make recovery so much more difficult and may drive us to forget in addictive behaviours. It’s a balancing act. Remember where you don’t want to go back to or be like but look forward and living in the moment where today’s actions are what matter. The bad memories have faded for my family as well as for me. But every now and again I have to take them out and hold them up to the light. And remember, I don’t ever want to go back to those days again.

[maverick.]

Nice post Jonny B, you are right in so many ways, life throws so much at us in one way shape or form, even if we didn’t have the extra issue of being compulsive gamblers there is still so many stresses in life, wish you well mate and keep fighting on, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Maverick

[Johnny B]

Hi Alliesmum
My big brother was/is my best friend, and he was the one who tried most to take care of me. He believed in me, and even “understood” why I was wrapped up in the life I chose to live. He bailed me out many times, looking back, he enabled me. It was never his fault however, because I was the one choosing my path. I caused issues in his marriage, and with other family members. Recently I was married, and could see what I caused between him and his wife… and I feel sick about it. I have recently made good on some of the money I owe him, and I believe it has made a difference with his wife as well. My path is straight ahead for once. I am proud of the steps I have taken, and look forward to charging ahead. Good luck in all life brings you!
John

[Johnny B]

IDI,
You are a strong soul.. Stronger than you give yourself credit for. I have learned a lot from you in the months we have shared on GT. I understand each of our struggles are our own, and all we can share is hope, and understanding for each other. The smallest of efforts is recognized by those we love. I have been overly honest with my family, and it has served me well. My wife is on board with my efforts and life is slowly, but surely putting my poor choices into the rearview mirror. I know I will probably face my issues again in the future, but not today. Today is a good day. I hope it is for you too!
John

[Johnny B]

I agree, we cannot stay mired in the past, but I think we have to remember, because we still learn from it. I think the damage to friends and loved ones is much greater than we realize because they love us. I wish I could say I loved myself enough in the past, but as we have discussed an evil side effect of CG is the self esteem that we all lack. But alas we are strong, especially together to keep this under control. Thank you for your input over the last months, I feel we are all in this together, as long as we want to be.
Look forward to future chats!
John

[Johnny B]

You had coined one of my favorite phrases (today, I will not gamble) Although it was said before by many, I read it in your posts first. We all have our struggles, but we all have our strengths as well….. It is up to us to see which wins out. In the long run, strength will win, but the little bastard sneaks in on occasion…If we are ever going to see a rainbow, we have to stand a little rain! Keep strong! Keep fighting.
Good luck and thanks for your support
John

[i-did-it]

Hi Jonnhy
How great to read that your stopping gambling has helped your brother also.
It’s hard to think about the people we have hurt . I guess if we really thought about the number of times we have let people down or cancelled because we gambled our money- the list would be really long.

It is good to always remember how low gambling brought us while also looking forward and planning a great new future.

Keep strong Johnny

[Johnny B]

Thanks
One more day, one more time. Today’s success will lead to tomorrows promise!…I am grateful for today!

[Johnny B]

A little over 5 months gamble free.  A cruise scheduled (and paid for already) for my 2nd anniversary.  Much needed time off, to reconnect and celebrate my wife of 2 years!….Thank you everybody for sharing my journey!

Johnny B

[finding_laura]

So great to see a post! And wow, five months gamble free is a great achievement. One day at a time you keep making the commitment.

Your first post on this thread shows that we each have our own point of realization. Something that gives us that first foot hold in a period or recovery. So glad to hear you are already reaping the rewards of not gambling.

I love reading that you are focused on enjoying the time spent together, the relationship. Much as the repayment you made to your brother helped repair your relationship with him and his wife. It’s like a little bell finally goes off. Ding ding ding. I’ve been missing out on the important things in life for imaginary gains and an addiction.

Well done Johnny. Keep it up. The gambling sobriety and the reaping of your rewards.

Laura

[Johnny B]

I don’t want to downplay anybody elses success on their gamble free journey.  I just know for me the neglect of family responsibility was my wake up call.  I have “enjoyed” my time with this website, because our issue is a very silent one.  And until it screams out loud we all choose to ignore it… Usually until it is too late.  If I could go back, I would have stopped years ago…. But the debt was always “too big”.  My family understood my intentions were always good, however, they were misdirected.  I was fortunate to have a good income, and kept putting as much as I could into a 401k that I didn’t have access to.  After I changed jobs, I decided to cash it out…not for the sake of gambling, but to make things right with family and friends.  I have very little left, but I can at least say I do not have that hanging over my head anymore…and I can literally make a “fresh start”.  Like money lost, it does me no good to regret my past decisions, but I can clearly learn from them.

Thanks for your support and kind words

[i-did-it]

HiJohnny
Well done on your gamble free time – you have achieved so much- you have a fresh start, repaid important debts and you also have a cruise to look forward to .
Your future looks so bright – and you deserve it!

[Author]

Posts