[Lastlaughtruman]

Hello all, I’m a newbie on here just joined tonight after my gambling has spiralled out of control, not for the first time. I don’t wish to bore people with my chronic catalogue of gambling failures as I feel it fuels my anger and makes me want to go back for one last chance of luck. But what I will say is it happened tonight and the instant I placed a massive overbet on chasing the losses of a previous overbet. I realised win or lose I had a problem. Well the bet never came in which is of no surprise but I’d like to think that even if it did I would still be here, as my mind was made up. At this moment in time I feel peace, I’ve self excluded myself from all online accounts and although I don’t often use shops I will self exclude myself from them tomorrow. I had previously got myself into debt gambling 14 years ago to the tune of 18k. Not all of it was gambling but that was the debt. I’ve managed to gamble within my means for the last 14 years and recovered to a point up until a few weeks ago I had accrued savings in a credit union for 5k. I decided what use was it sat in there so took it out for some redecoration. Unfortunately the only redecoration I’ve managed is a catalogue of hapless gambles. Starting with the odd fiver, then up to a tenner. Maybe a few wins keep me grounded on smaller sums for a while. But you know it’s inevitable your gonna hit a bad streak. So after spiralling this last week my last two bets tonight were for £286 to win £100 and then £500 to win £385. Stakes which are ridiculously beyond my means. But half of my 5k is still mine. And I know that I’ve lost already and if I carry on I will lose the rest without doubt. So if I quit now, have I won?
Financially I’ve lost, and if I continue I will continue to lose.
Emotionally I’ve took a beating, and can continue to take the beating, but I’m seizing control to balance myself emotionally and right now after taking the small steps of excluding betting sites and joining this group I feel like I’m empowering myself to fight for what’s still mine. I can’t go back to that 14 years of repaying debt again.
I need help, I know this, and I know my plight is not as bad as others. And I’ve been in worse positions in the past due to gambling. But it has to stop, I’m an intelligent person but yet the one thing that makes me feel stupid and despise myself is not being able to stop. I can’t stop when I’m losing but frighteningly I can’t stop when I’m winning. And the most crazy thing is I’m not money driven, the only thing that makes me money driven is gambling. I can live quite comfortably without extra money, so why do I risk what I have?
If I lose, I will struggle financially.
If I win, I will just gamble more until I lose.
Why do I do it? Why have we, or do we do it?
When it’s out of control, it’s moronic behaviour. Gambling with no information or studying just an outright gamble in the hope that I can win. I can only come to the conclusion that I do it for self gratification, the feeling of victory. That being the case I’m an even bigger loser than I thought I was. Anyway it’s early days for me I’m 180 minutes gamble free. But it’s time to flip this around, I’m fed up of losing and can say with complete certainty I’m a terrible gambler who is not even blessed with a modicum of fortune in gambling terms. Plus I feel like I’m the main character in my own Truman show. To all intense and purposes to me life is real, but I’m being filmed and my chronic bad luck is set up for everyone’s entertainment, that’s how it feels. So how sweet would it feel to keep every penny I’ve earnt out of the greedy bookmakers pockets, to not gamble on a horse, and witness it falling at the last fence with the race at its mercy, and feeling angry about your loss rather than empathy for the poor horse who has no choice, and the jockey who risks his health to earn a living. I’m taking control and I’m hoping one day I can say “yeah I lost more than I cared to have lost, but admitting defeat can be the first steps on the road to my greatest victory, gamble free”

[charles]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi Lastlaugh and welcome.

Well done on looking for help.

First things first. You seem to think that you are a “terrible gambler” and that you have “chronic bad luck”?

Takke a look at http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/20-questions

How do you score? Enough to consider that your situation might be down to more than lack of skill or luck?

“……..admitting defeat can be the first steps on the road to my greatest victory, gamble free”
It certainly can! 🙂 The one piece of advice I remember from my first GA meeting was to surrender, admit that the bookies had beaten me. It certainly helped me.

Have you been reading the other stories here? What are others doing that you can apply to your own situation? How about getting banned from your usual/local bookies? How about finding a way to restrict your access to funds with which to gamble?

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking?

[Lastlaughtruman]

Thanks Charles I scored 9. I’ve known and know people whose gambling problems are a lot greater than mine, but I know I am on that slippery slope I’ve been on it before. I know it doesn’t matter whether I feel like I have bad luck, at the end of the day the reason I know I am here is my compulsion and my lack of control to gamble. I have read a few other stories and the one thing that came ringing true for me is the access to money. My recent slide is down to just that, I transferred 5k from my credit union accounts to my online banking accounts for home improvements and I’ve lost half of it before buying as much as a paint brush. I’ve spent 14 years repaying debt and the last 2 years I’ve been able to save. Now during them 14 years my cash flow was quite restricted, but I still gambled what I had left. Now after years of restricted spending and continuing that on to save in an account I can’t touch unless I transfer it over. I stupidly transferred my cash over and re-opened a can of worms. I’ve self excluded myself from everything available to me online, I was planning on self excluding myself from shops today but I have £125 to pick up from a bet from yesterday and as I was going to pick it up. I asked myself a question “can I guarantee to myself that I can walk in pick up my winnings and leave without having a bet?”. The answer was no I couldn’t, not today it was my day off and I had no plans making me susceptible to a gamble. Added to the fact that I have over 2k in available income in my accounts which needs to become untouchable before I can walk in to the bookmakers. Instead, I packed the car and walked round a boggy golf course on my own in the miserable weather to distance myself from the urges. And for the first time in a long long time I felt like I was outside of the bubble. It felt great it felt liberating, I felt in control ( but not of my golf shots, I’m worse at golf than I am at gambling lol ). So I’m trying to take positive steps, questioning myself, thinking, and reading other people’s stories on here to help readdress my situation. To realise how bad it can get, to accept defeat and to motivate myself to beat this illness.

Thanks Charles, questions are good for me as some questions open up trains of thought that can shed light into places of darkness.

[abettertomorrow]

Hi lastlaugh,

I found reading your posts really inspiring. Similar questions I’ve asked myself. You are right, admitting defeat and winning by not gambling is the way forward. Good luck mate, keep posting!

[Lastlaughtruman]

Thanks abettertomorrow, I hope we can all inspire each other. Questions are very powerful, sometimes even the most seemingly simplest of questions from other people can help switch a particular mindset that we have. When we get in that addictive bubble, we just need to stop and ask ourselves a question. At the moment my answers to my own questions are “no I can’t”. I’m hoping one day I can say “yes I can”. And walk past a gambling opportunity with my head held high and think I’ve lost more battles than I care to remember, but by snubbing the opportunity to re engage in a battle, I have won my war.

[vera]

I liked your poem, LLT but found it a bit scary!
Well done on reaching out for help.
Gambling can be a bit like drowning if we don’t jump onto the lifeboat before sinking under the waves.
Keep posting!

[Lastlaughtruman]

Thanks for your kind words, and there’s no need to be scared I am in a very good place at the moment. And I’m fortunate in I don’t owe a penny but have done in the past, I just realised I’d started to put myself on the slippery slope again and needed to act swiftly. The poem is only partly related to myself, and more about my previous gambling problem over 10 years ago. In comparison to today’s problems in the poem terms, I’ve just jumped of a boat and realised before I hit the water that I can’t swim, splashed around nearly drowned and jumped back on the boat. And I know it’s early days but this site has truly helped me find the boat to which I am thankful to all who post in here and who give up there time to run the site. I’m very lucky that although I can be occasionally stupid my past experiences actually help me today in recognising when I’m close to drowning. It’s a part of my life that I never want to find myself in again.

[Lastlaughtruman]

I know it’s not much but it’s a great start. Maybe today has been my most tempting day for no real reason. There’s isn’t even a remote chance that I will give into it, it turns out that the one negative thing that people have said about me is ” that I can be incredibly stubborn”. Somehow this negative trait has turned into a very positive advantage for me. My stubbornness serves me well when I challenge myself. In this last week I’ve played golf, ran, worked every hour of overtime offered, wrote some poetry lol, read a lot of forums on gambling, played tennis, planned my food for the week (never done that before), shopped for food for a week ( completely new one too), spent more time with good friends, spent some time in the garden, spent a lot of time in the bath, watched tv which never involved sport, I’ve cried a little, I’ve laughed a lot, I’ve learnt a lot of things about myself, I’ve started to like myself a little, I’ve moved myself from inside the bubble to outside the bubble, I’ve realised I’ve been a complete fool, I’ve accepted my losses, and saved a nice little sum. It’s an empowering feeling, I accept that I lost a piece of me to gambling but I’ve come back fighting and come back stronger than ever before. Whatever stage you are at in your recovery, stay strong, keep busy, keep posting and enjoy your life away from gambling. But most of all be honest and open.

[vera]

Congratulations on your G free week LLT! I seems you have done a lot of “spade work” in advance . I takes most CGs years to get to the place you are today.
TODAY is all that matters, really. We are all only a heartbeat away from the next bet.
Take it easy and enjoy each day as it comes
Where is that “nice little sum” you have saved?
Just sayin’!

[abettertomorrow]

Hi!

Well done on a week! I’ve hit eight days today and already feeling super positive so you must feel awesome also! I had an epiphany two nights ago! Realised that I have not had to even test my blockers. I know they are there but not even tried them! Great to have if I have an urge but not had one yet! I’ve kept busy, as you have, done things I normally wouldn’t have! The only residue is beating myself up over the weekend about doing it one more time. But now, I have let that go, seeing it as an important life lesson that I had to learn the hard way!

A person who faces their problems head on is a winner in my book. You are that winner as you are dealing with it. Imagine what your life will be in a years time with no gambling? It will certainly be an improvement. I feel positive that I’m facing this problem and my new high is the feelings that not gambling brings! I’m already feeling like a happier, more positive and better person! We all make mistakes in life but it is those with the courage to say no, stop now, I’m not doing this anymore, these are the winners!

Stay strong buddy! We are doing this together! All of us!

[Lastlaughtruman]

Well Vera I suppose my spade work was the hard labour I had to do when I’d really spiralled out of control 10-15 years ago, that’s when the hard lessons were learnt. Fortunately this time thro experience I have recognised the problem at a stage when it’s done some damage but it’s minimal compared to what it could have been. My money is safely stashed away in “bank of Dad”, I’m my parents postman so I finish my round there everyday and join them for dinner. And everyday I give my Dad £20 or a multiple of £20 if I’ve had a day off to save £140 a week. Im hoping to pay off my recent foolishness in 100 days, that’s my new challenge, and I am really enjoying the new challenges.
Brilliant abt, indeed I’m hoping all our tomorrow’s will be better. Find your peace with your losses (a battle lost) and rise above it and win your own personal war. Keep posting mate, it’s good to hear from everyone.

[abettertomorrow]

I really like that term! It is a challenge! We all face them in our lives, this one is just very costly! I like your £20 per day! Paying off in 100 days is awesome! I’m going for three months so I can then say I’m in the same position I was three months ago! Same position but with a valuable life lesson behind me and a great future ahead of me! We will get there, and rejoice when done so!

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