[bosslady]

My husband and i have been married 16 years…gambling and other addictions run high in his family…the past year has been very different hes been like a totally different person..weve have had our issues like any other couple but as of late he’s cranky,irritable, impatient an cocky at times too. He’s lost alot of weight and does have health issues..after two months of lies upon lies i’ve discovered a gambling addiction …other issues have come into play and seems to be spiraling out of control very fast but it’s crazy how easy the lies can come now..he has always been very honest to a fault (or so i thought). We’ve decided to seperate and my counselor says to back off of him let him fix him if he wants it he will do it…no help from me nothing..he has to do it..its hard ive always been the caretaker..the fixer..i would appreciate if anyone has any advice on “rules of seperation” we are still married and will conduct ourselves as such, even though idk if i can trust anything anymore…but we do have children to take care of..i know if he doesnt try to get help then we wont be back together..my children and i are not going to do without and i will not continue to live in doubt and be lied to.

[monique]

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Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

[monique]

I hope you will soon get more replies from others, who can offer their support and friendship as you face your struggles. Everyone is different and, with help, you will find your own ways forward, but there are often experiences and feelings that are common amongst family members and hearing about these can help you feel less alone and encourage you.

It sounds from what you write that you are a strong person, who is already capable of making tough decisions and carrying them through. This does not mean that it will be easy or that you will not have doubts, but you demonstrate inner strength and determination, which are very useful qualities.

If you can now give yourself some further attention, that may be helpful. You have been the caretaker, the fixer as you say – now do take care of yourself, consider your own needs and even ‘wants’ and look after ‘you’. It sounds simple, but you probably know it isn’t at all easy for people who always think of their responsibilities to others first. Of course, you will continue to care for your children as a priority, but they too will benefit from being with a woman who can also consider her own needs. Looking after ‘you’ is also, in the long run, good for your partner, although he may not think that right now. It may help him ‘see’ himself more clearly if you are not actively trying to ‘fix’ things. He may be very unhappy but not yet aware fully of what he needs to do for himself. He will benefit from your love and support, but you need time to work out what that is in your context – it is not about protecting him from his own responsibilities, but supporting him to make the right decisions to seek recovery, for example. And maybe it is standing back, if he is not ready to move towards seeking recovery. That can be hard and leave you feeling conflicted etc. Though it looks like you have started doing this.

Do continue to write here and also join the live support groups, if you can, and I hope discussions with others will help you.

Best wishes,

Monique

[bosslady]

Hard time tonite, we have seperated so he can work on him but its hard…like all the messed up stuff he put me through is ok and now he’s the victim… idk maybe im being selfish or childish…was everything he’s done truly because of addiction..i’ve never known someone with an addiction close to me..im feeling insecure and unimportant…as he reassures kids he loves them im left wondering do you still love me…i discovered the gambling while we were having some really rocky times in our marriage and am left with the i need to fix me before we can try to fix us…but i feel thrown aside…i don’t want to get in his way of doing what he needs and is displaying what he truly wants to do…i know my counselor advises distance between us while he does this on our own but its hard to be away from someone you have been with for so long..

[Logic55]

Hi Bosslady,

I’m new to all of this too so perhaps can’t offer too many words of advice/support. But all i can say is is that this is a very powerful and manipulative problem that can make you feel completely worthless and desperate to make things better. You are doing incredibly well to be so strong and to be the rock and the consistency that your children need.

Your post inspired me to be a little stronger today in my actions with my cg. I just wanted you to know that your strength helped me. So thank you

[bosslady]

Thank you for your words it is much appreciated and needed…each day is different it seems…wants needs..expectations..i feel like im on constant roller coaster..but the night is the worst..its hard to sleep cause i imagine the worst and replay lies..wondering whats addiction and whats just plain selfishness..i will continue to try to be strong but its so hard and everyday is up and down a ton..im not making things any easier we are seperated but i continue to call or text him (mainly text)..i feel im making it worse..

[monique]

It is hard to rest with so much going on in your life – and in your mind. I just have a couple of responses to what you have written. One is that a lot of aspects of a gambler’s life and character will be extremely difficult to ‘understand’ in a logical way and I wonder if, just for now, you could persuade yourself not even to try to work it all out? I say this for YOU. To give you a break. I know it’s easier to say than to do, but if you can try to tell yourself actively ‘just now I cannot understand all this, so I am going to do something that is practical and helpful for me – or even fun for me’. In other words, concentrate on something completely different and hopefully something more enjoyable. You may not succeed at putting your questions aside for long at a time to begin with, but, with practice, maybe you will find you can manage it more and more.

Before you go to bed, try to do pleasant and relaxing things for you and whatever you know will help you to sleep. If complex issues come to mind, tell them firmly that you will see if there’s anything you can do about them in the morning.

Regarding contact with your husband … separation may be temporary or permanent. At this point, you don’t need to have made that decision. But it could be good for you to have a bit more space at this time. Could you practise not making contact for a while? You know the situation, so you could decide if a day or several days or a week would be a realistic goal and just aim not to reach out to your phone for the period of time you choose. Does that sound like something that you could do? It might just help you to concentrate on the things that you can control and that are about the welfare of you and your children. It might help you see what you can manage and you can see if it makes you feel any more at ease.

Just a couple of thoughts – take what is useful and ignore the rest.

It’s good to see you writing here.

Best wishes,

Monique

[Logic55]

This could be something I wrote..

I am exactly the same with my cg. Today I am abroad so not able to do anything more than text my cg. After last night i sent a normal text. I have had a combination of silent treatment, plain abuse and rejection.

I always fall into the trap of texting back (because, like you I’m a fixer, so don’t like to leave things unresolved.) i often wonder what would happen if i just stopped. If i stopped fixing. And didn’t reply like he expects me to.

I’m on the same rollercoaster. All i can say from my experience is that they cannot meet your emotional needs right now and what you are feeling and the emotions you have building up probably don’t really matter.. So you need to look after yourself emotionally first. Do something for you.

After that, everything seems a bit calmer.

[bosslady]

Im struggling with the do i stay or go…we were having issues before this all came to light so im like was all the problems due to his addiction or his selfish nature.. at this point idk what is true or a lie was it because of addiction or betrayel or does the addiction cause the betrayel…so confused

[bosslady]

Your response helps so much…the biggest struggle im having right now is being seperated from someone i have been with for so long and not just my husband but my best friend…so he tends to act like a buddy and want to chit chat picking up or dropping off kids and even when kids arent around and i don’t think i can handle that..if i can’t text and call and do those wife things how can i still do these best friend things…it hurts..hurts to be around him.

[Logic55]

Obviously, I do not know the details of you issues you were having previously and I cannot advise on what you can do, so I shall tell you what I have learned about my CG – perhaps you will see something similar in what I say, That is maybe the only comfort I can give…

Gamblers have by their nature low self-esteem and a willing to self-destruct. There doesnt seem to be any logic to this or consideration of the impact on others.

My CG will turn to others who he know will give him an easy ego boost, when I am not telling him what he wants to hear. It KILLS me. He will tell others that we are no longer together to get what he wants or tell people I wasnt what he wanted and that he needs something from them. Obviously, this means for me that there is no trust. However, I believe that he does truely love me and all of this terrible beheviour is a side effect of the addiction.

Noone around me understands why I would stay. There are so many”relationship dealbreakers” in what has happened. and I agree. But I am still there…

[bosslady]

You and i and our CG seem very similar..thank you so much for reaching out to me…it is nice to no im not alone that others are going though the same thing and can relate and im not crazy in all this..

[Logic55]

Yes, I think our CGs are very similar and you are not alone.
Please keep posting because hearing from you helps to remind me of that 🙂

You are definitely not crazy. I often get called a psycho because i dont just accept what my CG says and challenge him. That doesnt go down well very often. I’m trying to get better at finding a way to challenge the lies without provoking.

[velvet]

Hi BL
I hope it will help you when I tell you that I would not be here writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
You feel you have lost your best friend and your husband has not only lost his too but he has lost himself.
Everything he has done can certainly be true of addiction and I know it is incredibly difficult to believe that a CG can love you when they are behaving so unacceptably towards you – but they can or once again I would not be writing to you.
It is probably impossible to know when your husband’s addiction began but it is common for those who love CGs to feel that there is something wrong long before it is known what is causing the rocky patches.
The finest thing you can do for yourself and your husband during this break is to put yourself first, enjoy the things that his addiction will almost certainly have spoiled for you. See friends, indulge yourself, take up a new hobby or revitalise an old one but don’t waste time fretting over something that for the moment is out of your control.
You are in the early days of separation and also just starting to gain knowledge of the addiction to gamble – it took me months. Every day does feel like a roller coaster but you can put the brakes on and give your brain some much needed TLC.
I believe that a really good coping mechanism to stop the lies going round and round in your head is to write down all the bad things you have experienced with your husband’s addiction. Bang out all the anger and hurt on to a page, then file it away. If the next day more things that puzzled you, hurt you, confused you, start whizzing round in your mind with nowhere to go then write them down and file them away too. Keep going until there is nothing that he has said or done to rock your world that is not consigned to your journal. By taking your worries and putting them into an external hard-drive you will hopefully be able to stop the same thoughts crowding and clouding your mind. The hard drive can hold your confusion leaving you time and energy to work on you and what ‘you’ want to do.
Hopefully your husband is using his time away to reflect on his behaviour but even if he isn’t ready to control his addiction yet, all the good things you do for yourself will put you back in the centre of your life rather than you living on the periphery of your husbands. To face a gambling addiction takes courage and when a CG makes a leap of faith there is often a void – if you have been looking after yourself you can be the rock on which he can rebuild his life. When he controls his addiction then you can destroy the pages and live ‘your’ life free of the inner turmoil.
The addiction to gamble is selfish and the way a CG changes his life has to be selfish too – they have to work hard at who they have become and the less distraction at this time the better. You won’t know yet what is true and what is not but you can know that you are not to blame for his addiction and he didn’t ask for or want his addiction any more than you.
I was hoping you would have made the group tonight but keep posting because you are creating a journal here and it is the experience that most, if not all, F&F members who use this site surprise themselves when they look back and see how far they have come.
I don’t know what your outcome will be – over the years our members have travelled on every road and arrived at many different destinations but none of those outcomes are ever judged, we have to make of our lives what we will. I believe that with knowledge though we make better informed decisions.
Velvet

[bosslady]

I feel like im actually finding myself right now…i have continued to see our counselor on my own and have realized so much about myself and what i need to do for myself. Each day is still hard…but i have chosen to give it to GOD instead of kill myself with this pain…that has helped immensely…i don’t know what i want right now but i don’t have to decide right now..thats kinda the hardest part..patience is not my strong suit..but each day i have looking back and saying ok i did it..today.

[bosslady]

Last night i pretty much let it all out…told my CG what is hurting me that is not related to the gambling but my counselor feels is a part of addiction as well…i have been working on me and it feels good…i feel good…i see him trying to get help looking for a place to start and for that im glad and i am praying….But, he has a pattern of avoidance to just get away from a problem he has created instead of addressing it…i want to be there for him and listen ( i understand this is his journey and for that im here to listen and offer help when asked i have not and will not tell him what to do in regards to CG) the problem he has created hes avoiding is me and my hurt to things that are also not related to CG..he does not call or text and he does not live in the house…so any communication i have to initiate..last night i told him enough was enough and he started to blame me saying im snapping at him and twisting his words which i was not at all…he was trying to get out of taking ownership of a situation hes created..i was calm and asking questions and then he finally said it ” I DON’T KNOW HOW TO UNDUE OR TAKE AWAY ALL THE HURT I HAVE PUT ON YOU” I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU OR DO AROUND YOU TO MAKE IT BETTER” I told him that right there was a huge start because up until now he has not admitted it and thats one of the things that has been continuously hurting me…idk whats going to make it better or if its going to get better but avoiding it and pushing it aside most definitely will not…not trying to do anything will most definitely not..i have faith in God all things happen for a reason and i am walking this path hes laid out for me…its hard but im tryin and idk where we will end up…i know my husband and i will always be friends..we have know each other for over 20 years and been together for a total of 17…but i just don’t know if we will make our marriage work…im taking it day by day and not making any decisions while we are in such a place of high emotions and stress…im asking myself each night was today enough and the answers have been No..maybe since we had that discussion it might soon change to Yes…

[lily]

You have taken a brave step and in my opinion the right step for both you and your husband. At this point he really needs to be seeking help. He can’t put the past right and it is pointless dwelling on it, what you need is for him to move forward and he can only do that by seeking proper help for his addiction.

My partner struggled with addiction and eventually it split us up and we didn’t talk for many years, however he did eventually come back much changed as was I. Spending the time working on ourselves and fixing the problems we seperatly had ultimately fixed our relationship, turned out though we had to go through that process apart before we could be together.

Spend this time apart building and/or maintaining a life for you and your children, try not to put time scales on things, it is about what changed not how much time has passed. If he is commited to his recovery and your relationship is a good one things will fall into place as long as you are committed to yourself to and wanting your life to be the best it can.

I understand what a difficult time you must be having and I will be thinking of you. Lily x

[bosslady]

I wish i had a better understanding of why things have to be the way they are..i don’t understan why he has to live apart right now…its like our marriage is there but not there..the only thing thats different is he lives somewere else…he feels he cant work on his recorvery from here i feel like we cant work on our marriage from there… im trying very hard..he has done alot that is not gambling but the counselor and him really feel is stemming from his addiction and addictive behavior…i have forgiven and moved passed but it feels like im the only one making changes for the relationship…but saying that and rereading that i think to myself…he is one month “no bet” and thats a big change..idk just wish i understood better..i want to support him and i do have a codependency issue im working on..but i’d be here for him if he’d let me..

[lily]

Hi again Boss lady,
Living apart must be very difficult and confusing for you but if he is genuinely working on this addiction then he is working on your relationship because until he is free from the addiction there really is no room for anything else. Many gamblers would not make this move and would be bringing their partner down with them so it shows he cares.

Sorry if you have already said but does he have someone taking care of his money because he will find it hard to move forward if he has free access to his funds?

Gambling addiction is a horrible thing and a very hard thing for any of us non gamblers to get our heads around. It takes over the person and controls everything they do especially how they can relate to others. There is usually a great deal of shame, guilt and regret attached to it which in turn leads to more gambling as a way to forget and try and ‘fix’ it, of course that only makes it worse. Some times a gambler will push away those close to him/her feeling like they are will some how pollute others or that they are not worth loving. Your husbands behavior is no reflection on you, if he is trying to recover he has to do what he has to do and the fact he wants to is a good sign. A note of caution though in that it may be possible he is actually making more space to gamble by not having you around if he doesn’t have the right support, I am not saying that is the case I am just saying be mindful of it. It is also possible he might be trying to protect you or a bit of both.

My advice would be to try not to focus on the fact you are apart right now but instead keep on taking care of yourself, keeping yourself strong and working on becoming a stronger you. This will give you the tools you need for the future regardless of the outcome and the strength to do what is best for you. Looking after you is also the best thing you can do for your husband and for the relationship.

There is a lot of information on this and other sites where you can get more information to understanding about compulsive gambling to help you better understand, there are also various support groups I believe which may help. Don’t forget you can also talk live in the group here on a Thursday night 8-9pm UK time. Lily x

[velvet]

Hi BL
I have taken so long to write my reply and now I see that Lily has already replied – but as I have to go out I will send this unedited even if we are almost certainly saying the same thing.
I don’t know where your husband is staying but the principle behind a rehab is to remove a CG from their loved ones and the environment in which they indulged their addiction, thus allowing the CG the space and time to think solely of themselves and what they can do to change something that is so ingrained it feels impossible to change – of course, this time apart also gives the loved one time to agonise over the future and what is possibly going on.
Your husband probably isn’t working on his marriage as a priority – he is working on himself and it will be very painful for him but if he doesn’t do this work and do it properly you will get the same man back and no amount of loving or caring will make any difference.
Before my CG eventually chose rehab, he estranged himself completely from me – I didn’t know anything about his whereabouts or what he was doing and I fretted and worried just as you are doing. In fact my CG was not gamble-free as your husband has been for a month and he spiralled into an abyss with no hope. Even from this abyss though there is always hope and for some reason, unknown to me, he became determined to change his life. He was in rehab for 9 months and for 3 of those months, he told me, he blamed me for his addiction. I didn’t speak to him for all of this time and in fact I didn’t see him for a further 6 months. In retrospect I am glad that this time apart was not in my control because I too was a carer/fixer – I believed that more than anybody else in the world I was the one that could ‘help’ my CG because who could love him more? Knowing what I know now I realise that hearing him blame me would have triggered responses from me that would have ruined his hope of recovery whereas, thanks to the separation what I didn’t know didn’t hurt me – and those who were supporting him understood why he was saying what he did.
You are supporting your husband by using this forum, by seeing a counsellor and by working on being yourself – the woman your husband fell in love with. In my opinion if the person who loves a CG sits back and does nothing, while their loved one digs into their very being to find answers, then she will be the same when they meet again. I was not the woman who took my CG to the rehab 6 months earlier – I could not have given him the right support, I was too close. I had learned that I cannot judge anyone else, that I have to understand me and why I do and say things I do. I learned that my need was not his need and although I never made sense of the senseless I was ready to listen and understand rather than trying to talk him into my way of thinking.
I found the strangest thing about my life, post-active CG, is that my CG had to learn to trust me more than I had to learn to trust him. If I had not changed, our relationship would not have survived. I know this to be true because during the first 2 years I doubted something, I hung on to it until it built up inside me and I told him, believing that it was the right to do. He told me that my fears were unjustified and indeed they were. As a result I was fine but he wasn’t. Fortunately he had support behind him that he could turn to because he reasoned that, if ‘I’ didn’t trust him after all the work he had done on himself, then what hope had he got. During early recovery a CG is very vulnerable but I didn’t know how vulnerable and for those 2 days of doubt I was, in effect, the same woman who had taken him to the rehab a year earlier – it apeared I had learned nothing.
You write that you have forgiven him and moved on but for me that took about 2 years. I am not sure that your husband could know so early on that you have truly forgiven him and that what has gone before over so many years has been really put in to the past. He must still be so vulnerable because guilt hangs heavily round their necks for a very long time.
If your husband is one month gamble-free I don’t believe that you are the only one working towards your relationship. Although I said earlier that your husband will be working on himself over and above your marriage then that surely is working on (and for) your relationship because with an active addiction he cannot be the man you want him to be or the father you want for your children.
If any of this doesn’t make sense I hope you will fire straight back at me. It would be great to ‘talk’ in real time on a Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it is so good to feel understanding across cyber space and it works both ways.
I wish you, your husband and your children well at this difficult time
Velvet

[bosslady]

It helps to understand the why he can’t be here , i fear because he is staying with family that he may not be seeking help or focusing too much because he is comfortable. BUT with that being said his family knows and wants him to get help too, he stated yesterday that he doesnt want to come home until the first thing he thinks about is not gambling…that its not fair to us…he said he thinks about us but being here would be a distraction from what he’s suposed to be doing…and i get that…because he would become comfortable and not focus on the issue thats gonna build right back up over time… But he does come here and visits..we text and we talk.. so that confuses me on why…I don’t question him he offers up info..i have let him know how things make me feel be it sad or scared…but i also praise him and let him know how proud i am of him for each change i notice that i don’t think he even does….I don’t know much about addiction but i know he has an addictive nature and other things he was able to quit cold turkey…his gambling in my eye’s was/is not “as bad as” i would imagine…he liked scratch offs and machines…never big money..but it led to lieing and betrayel and other things when money wasnt available… if i wouldn’t have found out it probably would have gotten alot worse..I think im finally coming to terms and understanding…i thing the 6 weeks he has been gone are going to be many many more…but i am seeing positive changes not just for him but for me also..

[bosslady]

He does have free access to his own funds…but since he has been gone…on his payday he has a list of bills and he pays them first and foremost…gets his necessities..and that $ has to last him till next payday..no acess to credit cards or savings..if he runs out of money its on him…i have acess to check the accound because it is a joint account and im really proud of how he has for the first time in our marriage started to handle money in a mature responsible fashion and not depend on me to give him money every day from my account after his runs out…thats not an option and no longer will be. He has never before thought about financial reprecussions before and does so alot now..i would really like to find a local support group to speak to like minded people…i know one of the meetings he goes to is open for family but hes not ready for that yet..

[lily]

Hi BL, that all sounds really positive and as if you husband is committed to recovery which is such a good thing. My partner and I split up for 7 years during the ups and downs of early recovery and he was in residential therapy before that so I feel you pain with the separation. The relationship we have now though is beyond anything I could of ever imagined though because of the work we have both done on ourselves we can connect in a much closer and more meaningful way. While one partner is full of the thought of gambling and the other is full of fear of the gambling it is very hard to maintain any sort of relationship let alone a healthy one so try to see this time apart as an investment in your future. The fact your husband wants to protect you shows how much he cares about you.

Many find it hard to have family at a group initially and sometimes always, there is a lot of guilt and shame attached and there maybe things he is not ready to tell you yet or that he thinks would hurt you to hear. You maybe able to find a group of your own to attend elsewhere though where you can concentrate on your own recovery.

It seems to me you are both doing really well which is a great testament to you both as individually and to your relationship. Keep taking it one day at a time and before you know it things will have moved forward in a way you could never of imagined. Lily x

[Khand]

I have only just joined this forum after learning just a few weeks ago about my husband (newly married of 4 months) gambling addiction. I am in the ‘do I stay or do I go ‘ mind set right now, I feel so angry and hurt that I can’t even be in the same room as him. Reading your posts has given me comfort that I’m not alone, and I totally get that him recognising the hurt he has caused is a big deal because at the moment I’m getting the blame and being called ‘selfish’ for not supporting him. Anyway, I understand what you are going through and I think you are doing an amazing job. One day you wake up and think ‘I’m tired of being the strong one’ I’m not sure I have the energy any more and yes you become selfish which in itself is an achievement for us women who have spent years trying to please someone who can never be pleased xx

[velvet]

Hi Khand
All our members are unique and all are given replies to their own individual questions.
It is not possible to support you on someone else’s thread so please start you own so that you can get the individual support.
Just scroll to the bottom of the F&F forum page and click on ‘New Topic’ – give your thread a title, write ‘your’ story which can be as little or as much as you want, in the box and then scroll down and click ‘send’.
The forums are watched by someone every day and you will receive support tailored to you and your questions.
There is a Friends and Family group on Thursdays when communication is in real time between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time – you will be very welcome – nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
To enter the group click on the ‘Helpline’ at the top during the hour and scroll down to the Friends and Family group, preferably early because the hour flashes by. Click on ‘join’ and you are in – its certainly worth a try.
Velvet

[bosslady]

i see him making progress and i guess the codependent selfish part of me is sitting back going “what about me?” I know he is just begginning his recovery i believe of alot more than just the gambling addiction….i have forgiven him for his recent betrayels but that does not mean i don’t hurt…esppecially when i have to be reminded of it from time to time..i will not throw it in his face or beat him down with it..i feel hes done that to himself enough if not still…but tonite im hurt and lonely and missing him..we are taking steps to safeguard our marriage..which im really happy hes open to… and im continueing to build my new relationship ive found with God…i pray alot…for him…for us…for our future..for our kids…i want him home..not life back to normal…but changed…better…and i know i need patience..and i talk to much …and think too much…tommorrow will be better..glad i have this site to open up to…its so hard not having anyone close by…

[lily]

Hi BL, I don’t think you are being selfish at all or for that matter that missing your husband is a sign of co-dependency! Personally I think the question ‘what about me?’ is exactly the question you should be asking but not to him to yourself. If you take good care of yourself and fill your days with things that you love to do, spend time with friends or family or places where you can make friends, time will go quicker and your focus will shift just enough for you to see things a little clearer I promise.

It is great you have your faith. There must be people you can connect with through that too surely?

I hear you saying you want a better life, free from the gambling that has blighted your marriage and from what you have said it looks like your husband does too. He cares about the marriage and you so much he is prepared to live apart and work on his addiction to protect you, he realizes and understands this is his problem and he is taking responsibility for it, your responsibility is to take care of you that is the key to a better life together in the future.

You are doing great, things won’t always be like this, Lily x

[bosslady]

My days have been better…i have been spending more time concentrating on doing things i have been putting off for so long…and feeling good about getting it done…my husband has been spending a good amount of time here but im not expecting anything as of now…i don’t want to be let down when he leaves to go back to his grandparents (were he is living temporarily)..so i prepare myself and pray..spend my time when im alone at night in my bible and joined a ladies bible study as well..he knows he can come home but is waiting until he feels he can have a “game plan” on how to keep himself in check and not take his issues out on myself and our children…im seeing slight changes that im really happy about..his view towards our finances and bills are more important to him and taking the responsiblity to help me manage the bills that he takes care of out of his checks…also im noticing he has been more attentive of my feelings this week (thats new, hes always been selfish and its gotten pretty bad until the addiction came to light) and that really makes me feel good… he’s been showing up to Church on the days he is off of work and allows me to pray with him occasionally and thanks me for it ( my faith is new and a change not only for my but for him)..I feel like things are moving in the right direction…im realizing life is not so black and white anymore…there is no your either with me or your not…the gray area is so huge in an addicts life its hard to organize my thoughts sometimes..especially since we have three kids involved…i do suffer from codependency..and have been in counseling for it and made alot of progress for myself during our time apart..

[lily]

Hi BL, what a lovely positive post and well done you for taking charge of what you can in your own life and doing the things you find fulfilling too. It sounds like you are both putting the children first in the situation and your husband is wise to be getting a system of support in place before he assumes he is truly in recovery.

Gamblers partners tend to be caring people on the whole and so it is not uncommon to have a codependent element, it is very insightful of you to tackle it head on. Nice too you are getting time together I am sure you are careful to avoid any inadvertent enabling by financial support, access to funds ect.

You are right about a relationship with a cg there are many shades of grey and it can be confusing but I found it helps to think about what YOU (and your children) need from a relationship and let that guide your actions (ie if you need to be financially secure, you need to take charge of the money ect).

Keep up the good work, Lily x

[bosslady]

The past week has been very confusing…my CG has been home alot off and on…still jittery the first few days… and then he said Saturday he recognized whats causing his jitters/triggers to want to gamble..and was able to put himself out of the situation and let the want to pass…He is seeing a counselor and i think that is helping him to weed through his thoughts and feelings and im very glad because he seems to be calmer…recognizing things he can do to divert his thoughts/wants..this is also us starting fresh from months of hurt and confustion…yesterday he came home and stated he was ready to come home and asked if i would be willing to learn about what he is going through…join his groups on open family night if i like and be open to help supporting him…of course i do..but i told him i cant do it for him he has to do the leg work but i will be there to support him, talk to him, listen to him, etc.. BUT there have been changes within myself…there are things in my life that are new and i will not allow myself to be consumed by him and him alone again…suffering from Codependency its important i have my own time and hobbies and interests as well…Church twice a week is my time with God and im excited my children are following suit and enjoying it too..and the wed he is off he has been showing up to services too..I’ve also been taking part in biweekly bible studies and im enjoying being around other wives/mothers during these studies..

[lily]

Hi BL, that really is a big change. Do you feel ready and able to have him back? Have you talked about how finances will be managed?

It sounds like you are putting yourself and your children first which is really good, it also sounds like he is working on himself and taking positive steps toward recovery.

I am glad the family has found an something you can all participate in (ie church).

Do you have a time scale/plan worked out for the move back in?

I hope it all works out well, take your time and be sure you are both ready and do keep us updated. Lily x

[velvet]

Hi BL
Quite rightly your husband appears to be putting his recovery first. Recoveries for both sides of a relationship are important and neither side should force the other into speeding an outcome.
Your recovery is equally as important and I liked the big BUT in your sentence – you have recognised that what happens within you matters too.
It is often said by CGs and F&F alike that we cannot/don’t understand each other – only a CG can understand a CG and only F&F can understand F&F. To a certain extent this is right but who understands what and who has the hardest work to do is immaterial – what counts is the individual and how comfortable they are with what is going on. It isn’t selfish to put yourself first with yourself just as your husband is doing with himself.
It is as though you are walking on 2 parallel roads, you can see each other but you cannot connect fully. The roads are beginning to get closer and you are beginning to see each other more clearly but in my opinion this is the most important time to keep walking forward and not cut across to his road. This forum is walking with you and his counsellor is walking with him and for a time, maybe longer than either of you would wish, I believe, this is the best way to achieve what you both want.
To hear you enjoying your life is wonderful so keep doing what you are doing because it is working for you and if it works for you then it is good for your husband to see.
Keep posting
Velvet

[bosslady]

I have been ready for him to come home…And i think he needed the help of his counselor to decide if/when he was ready..He came home “officially” day before yesterday… one of the things i have always done has been in control of every aspect of the household…i don’t want that to be the case anymore i need to let go of some of the responsibilities ( but i still keep a close eye for his follow through and work with him in decision making process) and allow him to make decisions and see how the bills and finances work..we have seperate accounts and each have specific bills we are responsible for now…(we have been doing this since we seperated three months ago and will continue this for now)..In doing this i have noticed a DRAMATIC difference in his attitude toward money…he has been talking about researching ways to help pay down our debt (which we dont have much at all)…ways to cut down bills we have now…he never cared about spending and blowing money before…he traded in his big truck a month ago for a more cost effective small car and cut that note in half and was so proud when he did…My controling everything was enableing him not to care or take responsiblity for our household and made me the constant bad guy…while i will not release control of all finances because i still have to protect kids and myself first…i do believe this is and has been important and beneficial for both of us..
Velvet you are so right about us being on two seperate roads…i told him i am there to listen when he needs me to but what he discusses with the counselor i dont need to know about or want to unless he feels its important i do..what he tells them might hurts my feelings…make me question my trust or just plain make me think too much about things not even in my control so to me theres no need to pry..I am very open with him about my new faith..and hes supportive…and seems to enjoy hearing what i have to say….i wont force it on him…although i hope he finds his way to God that too is his own road just like this one is my own…Im still out there finding myself..i like myself for the first time in a long time…and its strange it has taken something so hard to make something so good happen….God Bless

[Logic55]

Bosslady!

I cant believe how far you have come since we last spoke. I know there is a long (parallel) road ahead but you both sound much more prepared for the journey!

Nice to see you and the family doing well !

[bosslady]

We have had so many family engagements going on it has been hard to just be still for a while…..i caught him in a lie yesterday…over something that was an honest mistake…i told hime id rather him confess the mistake then lie to me…because its as if idk whats true and whats not…and it wasnt pertaining to gambling or anything serious in nature..but his reaction was to lie instead of possible make me angry or for us to argue… id rather argue…we never did for 17 years and this is were we are…id rather argue or discuss or hash out the issue then be lied to because a lie always come back..he told me the lie just came out of nowere and he didnt even know why he felt the need to lie…and that is something he wants to discuss with his counselor…

[lily]

Hi BL,
It can be good to be busy but it is still important to take time for you when you can, ‘me’ time is still very important even if its just 15 min in the bath or sitting in the garden, it gives you time for a breath and helps keep you on an even keel. Hard when you have a family though I know,

Unfortunately when someone has been a CG for a while lying become habitual and often even in early recovery a CG will lie about things even when there is absolutely no necessity for it. Unlearning this habit an important aspect for recovery as open and honest communication is in my view an essential tool to long term success. In order to foster an safe environment for this for you both it is vital you can trust each other to not only tell the truth but also to listen without going into a huge row, Of course you have every right to feel angry but I have found it i more helpful to discuss the feelings the issues are bringing up than to ‘go off; on one where possible.

Because for many years your husband has relied on lying to support his addiction it may take a while to break the cycle and realise there is no need to lie any longer. With the help of his counselor he will hopefully become more self aware and start to catch himself before he tells a ‘little’ lie which in term will help him feel more connected to the people around him.

Open discussion and having things out in the open and even constructive arguments is better than hidden resentment and secrets but it is all about learning a different way to relate which is a huge learning curve for both parties.

Keep taking care of you and taking one day at a time, Lily x

[bosslady]

I think two things have caused the lieing…his addictions..and my past reactions…Before i was saved i was not the nicest person..and i know that…my reactions were quick to anger and everything was black and white..while now i pretty much live in a gray area where forgivness and understanding have to rule my everyday…i get where it is hard for him to accept and realize just how different my heart is now…if i would not have changed we would not be able to be together..i would have broke and not been able to handle the stress of the memories of betrayel….Idk if certain things…like not wanting to tell me his passwords for things ive given him mine(he says he cant remember it but thats been a lie in the past as well)…is his hiding nature he’s had to adopt or if he truly is hiding something…or is he truly being honest..idk..i want transparency….i want him to feel like he can flip through me like an open book and i the same..i need that to be able to start to get that trust and security back…i love him and i know he loves me…i see it everyday…he wouldnt be here if he didnt…he had a comfortable place to be…where he was being cared for and not questioned or challenged…One day at a time..its hard for me to hold back…i dont want to but i know i need to protect myself…i feel like if i have complete faith in him and take his word for things i will be let down again and again..i want to be supportive…as much as he will let me but i already told him i will not enable him or allow myself to be used…i cant lose myself again…i love the changes i’ve made…i feel stronger and happier with myself and My God..I know this is not and will not be an easy road but i feel like our marriage our family and he is worth every bit of effort..

[lily]

Hi again BL,
Trust doesn’t mean giving him your passwords, not giving him your passwords or pin numbers is protecting him and not supporting him not to relapse. Do you have control of the finances at the moment, again this is not about lack of trust it is about supporting him in his recovery as one gambler on the forum put it (more or less) ‘handing over your finances is not about relinquishing control its about taking back control of your life from gambling addiction’.

It sounds like you are both changing and growing and working on yourselves which is great. Trust takes time to return on both sides, open communication on both sides will help with this. Your husband is not cured (there is no cure), he is in recovery so it makes sense for you to be mindful (rather than suspicious) of this and take all the steps necessary to take care of yourself and your children and the will also support his recovery.

The love and commitment you have for each other is apparent in your post and there is no reason why you can’t do this if you work together. Lily x

[bosslady]

the trust im referring to is not in his gambling but his need to lie about little things…minor things just to keep from causing any issues or upsets…i told him he needed to talk to his counselor because it seems its gotten so normal for him to lie it flies out of his mouth without realizing it does..so i havent been questioning just watching… and living out life…he hasnt given me any reason to think anything negative so i wont…its day by day..prayer after prayer..he has started coming to church more often and really seems to enjoy it and getting something from it..making small changes he probably doesnt even realize but i do…our kids do…hes home..more than he ever has been…talks to us…spends time with us…makes plans with us…its been a good week…

[lily]

Hi BL, so glad to hear that it has been a good week and to read your post so full of positivity. I am pleased things are moving forward for you. All I would say is don’t forget to keep working on you that way your happiness isn’t solely dependent on his. Lily x

[bosslady]

Thank you Lily….i do need to continue to focus on me…i still am spending time in the word and will continue to do so..have bible studies with the ladies…and my church time..i do need to try to have more time to excercise like i had been but thats always been my weakness right there…i wouldnt say my happiness is dependant on his but i do need to make sure it doesnt go that way again because thats were i had been…(yesterday he woke up aggrivated and grumpy and told me so..i told him figure out his mood and look up a scripture in the bible that refers to it and i went about my business..and for him it worked..and for that im glad)

[velvet]

Hi BL
The line I like best in your posts is when you say ”he hasnt given me any reason to think anything negative so i wont “. Negative thinking brings us all down and even if your husband did give you any concern then positive thought will certainly do more good for both of you
Compulsive gamblers lie because that is one of the main tools of the addiction – it makes those around them back off and because it worked in the early days it often becomes a method of coping for them. Control of the addiction takes time and it is easy for those who love them .to want honesty and transparency more quickly than is possible. It takes a long time for the addiction to get a real grip and it stands to reason that it will also take a long time to fully get to grips with reality.
You did well telling him to go and figure out his mood rather than allowing his grumpiness to bring you down which would have helped neither of you – that is really good coping on your part. Keep doing what you are dong – well done.
I am sure you have heard the Serenity Prayer – this is my favourite version
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Velvet

[bosslady]

Still taking things day to day…ive been doing alot of things i like to do…my job got reduced immensly which sucks for money but im getting alot more free time…ive been able to get alot of cleaning and doing alot more cooking which i enjoy..ive been spending alot of time in my bible and bible studies..prayer calms my nerves..i have noticed lately since i do have more free time im thinking a little too much…i can’t spend my life waiting for the shoe to drop but its so hard to look at tommorrow let alone next week..i don’t like to plan anything because im still scared of everything crashing down again..i guess what im saying is its one day at a time because i can’t trust enough to depend on tomorrow..i hope one day i can but were not there yet…

[vera]

Keep it simple, Bosslady.
Put your trust in the Almighty. Everything is in His Hands.
Don’t run ahead. Read Matthew chapter 8 in your bible.
You are not alone.

[bosslady]

Trying to keep it simple….i have a tendency to overthink..wondering whether hes being honest or doing anything im not aware of (gambling or anything else) Im not obsessing just still have a super high guard up i guess….im a very insecure person so it makes it worse ..thanks for reading suggestion i really liked Matthew 8. This weekend i spent my time with family and bible/shows about the crusifiction and ressurection of Christ…Easter has a very new meaning to me now after being saved…One day at a time…sometimes one hour at a time..I finally toke the step and made some actual plans that includes me seeing him commited to me/us/family further out than today…I don’t think he realizes how much his actions have changed me…he says he does but i really don’t think he gets it…i look at him differently…i forgive him don’t get me wrong…that anger and bitterness is not there but the level of trust that ive had for 17 years is gone and i dont know if or when or even how to get that back and he doesnt either..

[bosslady]

i had to get off yesterday when posting…is there someone who has had this similar experience? if so any advice on learning to trust? i want to but things pop in my thoughts and me not forgetting is the reason he said we would not be able to make things work…but its different and hard to explain…i remember but i don’t focus or dwell on it like i would have in the past…i never realized before just how much i loved my husband until everything fell apart, i toke him and our marriage for granted…and i really dont discuss my thoughts with him that pop up because honestly i feel it wouldnt do any good…we cant change anything and he has been trying very hard and i dont want him to think “what else do i have to do to make it right” kinda thing…as time goes by i feel like we are in a new normal and that everything that happened was so long ago even though it wasnt…im reaching out to a counselor that specializes in addiction for addicts and there families so maybe i can get some guidance…

[lily]

Hi BL, I can really sympathize with your current feelings. In the past I have been through all these too and the other day i slipped back into these feelings for a couple of days and it was awful.

The way I deal with things is first and foremost I make sure I am protected financially this minimizes the stress as I now even if the worse did happen I would at least be secure. I also see a counselor who is great not only for putting things in perspective but to help me to work on myself and become a stronger in myself and better able to cope with my own feelings. As for the past it can never be made up for but by focusing on it too much it can come and spoil the present so I started off this period of recovery with a clean slate, I am building our relationship from today one day at a time. I say to myself he didnt gamble yester day, he didn’t gamble today so there is no reason to believe he will gamble tomorrow.

Its hard to put the past behind us and learn to trust again but it is essential to our recovery in the same way that a gambler has to accept that the money they lost is gone and he can’t win it back we have to accept that the time we spent during the addiction is gone and we can’t make them make that up to us, we can only be thankful that things have turned around and each day gamble free and with a partner who is able to fully engage is a bonus. Over time those one days will build into a block of time that we will have that has been good and positive and gamble free. Worrying never stopped someone from gambling so it is a waste of time better to spend time engaging in your own life and the things you enjoy.

I am glad you are reaching out to a suitable counselor and I am sure that will help enormously. There are also groups such as Gamon which you can go to for support from other family members as well as here of course. Be kind to yourself and live in the now taking one day at a time, Lily x

[velvet]

Hi BL
I went back through the years on the forum to when another member posted the following words which I know are about ‘forgiveness’ and don’t relate to ‘trust’ directly but I think help when we are confused in an early recovery.

• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

I think most of us take a lot of our relationships for granted until something comes along and rocks the boat so please stop beating yourself up over being ‘normal’.
A new normal is understandable – I remember seeing my CG as a new man when he changed his life but I recognized that I was new to him too. The strangest thing was for me to realise he had to learn to trust me if we were going to have a successful relationship.
What is it that you feel you are doing to makes him feel he has to try so hard? Talk here about what you want to achieve but also what you have already achieved,
I don’t think it is uncommon for it to appear that a CG has left the past behind with little or no effort and for F&F to feel ‘what about me?’ I can assure you that he has not forgotten the wreckage caused by his addiction and everyday he will have to confirm that just for today he will not gamble; that is something we, as F&F, do not have to do; we can fully recover from living with the addiction but a CG is a CG for life and they can only control that addiction. I lived with the active addiction for 25 years and now I trust my CG to look after the gamble-free life he entered nearly 10 years ago. I work for GT so I use my past as a ‘reference only’ but I don’t dwell in that past, I have no need to remember the minutiae and I don’t spend my life thinking ‘what if’.

I find it hard to believe that you feel you cannot change anything when you think how much you wanted your husband to change and how far he has come.
I like this alternative to the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Keep posting – through sharing, our thoughts can unravel but by keeping them in they just get more knotted up.
Velvet

[bosslady]

When im referring to not being able to change i meant we cant change the past…thats whats been on my mind…the what has happened already…again i dont dwell on it…its just there..like a dirty pile of clothes in a corner that you know its there but you dont wanna look at it..i would love to forget..i have forgiven and i love him and want him…but i want that trust back…i want that dirty pile of laundry gone…

[lily]

HI BL, I do understand what you mean but it does take a change of perspective to move away from the past. I always think the lying, betrayal etc feels to the wife/husband/partner almost like an affair, and they are left with similar trust issues, hurt and wondering what happened to the relationship. The difference is with the gambling it is not personal, they didn’t do it to hurt or to leave or to deliberately meet their own needs, there actions where symptoms of an illness.

Of course knowing this does not automatically take these feelings away so we ave to work on it and give it time. because of the gap I had in my own relationship I was able to work on these things outside the relationship which made it easier and I can imagine it is much harder to maintain the relationship whilst trying to ‘put to bed’ the past.

Remembering it wasn’t personal, seeing each day as a fresh start, and being able to talk it through with someone detached like a counselor will help, time will help most of all and of course your faith. No one can undo the past but you can start a new future. Sometimes I feel sad about all the years I missed out on having with my partner due to his gambling but at these times I just remember how lucky I am to have the loving relationship I have now. My partner and I have been through a lot and it has brought us closer, recovery has brought a new depth and meaning to our relationship but that is only possible by leaving the past behind. Today is a new day, live it and enjoy it, work on the feelings of the past but try not to live in it.

Things may never be the same as they were but they may well be better, deeper, more honest and without the secrets that used to prop up the relationship before. Be kind to yourself, Lily x

[velvet]

It was because my CG was waiting for me to mention the overwhelming pile of dirty clothes in the corner, as I had done for so many years before he changed his life that he had to learn to trust me. I admit I was waiting for something tangible from him, proof that he would not gamble again but I learned that a CG cannot give such a cast-iron agreement. It is nobody’s fault; it is the nature of addiction.
Like Lily I had a time apart from my CG and it helped me to clear a lot of the dirty clothes away so that when we eventually met again he could sense the pile, at the very least, was diminished. I appreciate that you are not in the same position as Lily and me – you are living together whilst trying to forge a new life and that is more difficult but it can and has been done many, many times that I know about.
You wonder if your husband is aware of how much he has changed you but I suggest he needs all his energy to keep himself in a good place and will not have time for such thoughts, CGs have to be on guard from their addiction 100% of the time in early recovery and worrying about someone else detracts from that which they have to do. It is selfish but it works. I think that one-to-one counselling may help you so that you can talk about the things you feel you cannot say to your husband because he isn’t ready to hear you yet. Hopefully in time you won’t feel the need for him to know how you felt because his new ‘normal’ will know without any words from you
I agree we can’t change the past and strange as it may seem I wouldn’t want to do so anymore. You love your husband so give him time to live gamble-free and give yourself time to clear the pile of dirty clothes away – the two things go hand in hand.
Keep posting
Velvet

[bosslady]

I realized something yesterday…he made the comment months ago when everything first erupted “I don’t even know where to begin to take the hurt away that i put on you”. It’s not all just gambling but from the the counselor has said its all wrapped up in the addiction so i try to hold on to that. BUT with that being said yesterday i realized something. I realized he is doing exactly what he and i and we as a family need him to do. He’s changing….alot…i’ve noticed his patience level with the kids has increased leaps and bounds (that used to be a trigger for him to gamble) and he has been home…wanting to stay home and spend time with me and the kids..doing family things that he never was very interested in before…i can tell the kids notice it because they are so much happier and interact with him alot more as it used to just be me and the kids most of the time…he’s been coming to church…has been for a while now…i believe he’s found that peace with the Lord i have…that hope and that love that only knowing God is there no matter. There is no fix all to make me trust at the snap of the fingers but him loving me and the kids in a way he hasn’t before…i believe its a start to heal the wounds and eventually overcome it..

[velvet]

It’s a package Bosslady – along with a true gamble-free life comes hope along with hope comes contentment, along with contentment comes less friction in the home and along with that comes a happier state in which to live gamble free. Everybody benefits and no more so than a CG who often struggles with unnecessary guilt. Nobody asks for or wants the addiction and it takes great courage to control it – if that courage and control is recognised by those who love them then there is every possibility of a good outcome. Equally, if there is no reaction and no change, a CG might well believe that he/she will be happier escaping into addiction.
I am so pleased that you and your children have noticed his changes and are reacting to them and enjoying them, it will make it easier for him to maintain his control.
He can’t undo the hurt of what has gone before – nobody can do that but you can all make today and all your tomorrows happier.
I took a long long time to trust and he never asked for it or for forgivingness. There came a time when I did forgive because I was ready. Trust is different – I trust that my CG will look after his life and that is all I can ask but then that is all we can ask of anybody isn’t it?
Great positive post – well done to all of you
Velvet

[lily]

Hi BL, lovely to hear you sounding so positive and you are absolutely right – he is doing what you need him to do, recovering and being the father and husband you need him to be. It takes time but take comfort in the fact it all seems to be moving in the right direction for him, you and your family. One day at a time, Lily x

[bosslady]

So i think we are on the right track…. My husband is now a little over 100 days off bet…still making weekly meetings and now a biweekly counselor and biweekly group therapy… hes opened up and gave the counselor permisson for me to contact if i ever have the need for counseling in regards to my coping or understanding what hes going through..and we are all going on a GA trip soon as well…i have seen some issues that make me question or maybe keep me on my toes so to speak..idk if its because im just still keeping my guard up because i was so emotionally hurt by everything…not just gambling but other issues that came from the addiction…ultimately yes because of the gambling but you know what i mean..i have continued to pray and trust in my God to guide me….im glad i listened to him (God ) even when i didn’t want to…i find our family is probably in a better place than it ever has been…im in a better place…

[velvet]

Hi Boss Lady
You certainly seem to be on the right track and it stands to reason that early recovery is worrying so it is not surprising that you are questioning some of how you feel. In my opinion, it is important to be careful how you question your husband when you are worried, I put it to my CG that I would like help in knowing what to do and what to say say so that I got things right for him, rather than asking questions. It took a while but as he felt safer with me and recognised that I had made an effort with me too he gradually became the greatest help to me of all.
Being emotionally hurt for years does take its toll and you have to recover too. The great thing about your recovery is that it can reach a conclusion. Your husband will have to control his addiction for the rest of his life. This sounded horrendous for me when I first heard it but of course life settles down and the CG can relax and live a wonderful life. Unfortunately all around us there are things that you and I do not think about – for instance raffles, lotteries, eBay, all seemingly harmless but maybe not to a CG. The addiction is triggered by situations in life and once the addiction has been triggered it can be difficult to control.
Your husband is making all the right moves and you are starting your recovery so I wish you both well.
Velvet

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