[DaniA]

Hello,

My name is Danielle, I’m 28 years old and I want to share my story with you all I hopes it will help with my recovery.

I’m addicted to online slots. I’ve spent an estimated 100 grand (sickening) of mine and my husbands hard earned money over the past 11 months.

I’ve written bad cheques to myself between my two accounts and it’s about to come crashing down on me when these cheques bounce this week. $3800 worth of cheques .

I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up so I can spare my husband and daughter from this life I’ve created. I’ve considered suicide, but can’t bare to do that to my daughter. Nobody on this earth will love her as I do and I can’t rip that from her life. I was always terrified of death, but now I welcome it.

I have been living this hell alone for the past 11 months. I am always in panic mode..my breaths are shallow and my mind is absent. I feel as if I’ve checked out of my body. I can’t be the good mother and wife I once was.

My biggest fear was being found out and judged by those I care for the most. My mother and husband. Two days ago it came to a point where I couldn’t breathe..I was hyperventilating and shaking from the stress. I had to tell someone. I told my mother. That feel good.

My mother didn’t judge me and has been very supportive. She is on the other side of the country but has offered to come stay with me to help me through this. I am 28 years old, but I need her. I hate that I need her and am burdening her with my problems. She has enough to deal with from my brothers. I was the good child..the one who had it all together. I hated disappointing her. She suggested I speak to a doctor and take some time off work for stress leave. I’m contemplating that option at the moment.

The relief of telling my mother and having her support soon wore off and I was feeling alone again. I prayed to God for the strength to tell my husband. I told him lastnight. It was the hardest thing to do. I had planned on NEVER telling him.

He is very hurt. He asked if I was he reason we have been struggling all this time and I told him I am. I told him everything. He held me and I cried. And cried. It felt good to cry to him and not hiding in the bathroom. He is an amazing man. I knew he would be supportive, I was just too embarrassed to turn to him. It’s not okay what I did to him, but I have a chance to make it right.

I’m going for a loan this afternoon..a high interest loan since my credit is terrible. I’m going to pay off my debts and hopefully will be able to start over. I’m scared I won’t be able to stop. I’ve tried everything. Self exclusion, prayer, blocking payments through my bank. I always found a way around my efforts to stop.

If I’m not able to get this loan and these cheques bounce I could end up doing jail time. I’m scared, but I know I deserve it and I will accept my fate.

I want my life back. I want to go to the gym again. I want to take my daughter to the movies. I want to be able to breath calmly. I want a second chance.

I feel like I’ve been rambling on..posting g everything that comes to mind. Hoping tomorrow is a better day. I will post an update.

[charles]

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Hello Danielle and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi Danielle and welcome.

Well done on looking for help. If you read the other stories here you will see that you are not alone with this problem. You will also see the success stories, what are they doing that you can apply to your own situation?

You will see that many people put put barriers in place. How about a blocker to stop that online gambling? How about being completely accountabel for any money so that you can’t gamble secretly? Maybe limit your access to funds entirely for a while.

Use all the support you can as well. keep posting here, get to the groups if you can. Think about other support as well; places like Gamblers Anonymous.

Whether you get that loan or not you need to look at the finances. Are they manageable? Can you kepe up repayments in a sustainable way? if not then get proper advice. Lots of financial options around these days, from bankruptcy through to reapymant plans with a lot in betwee.

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking.

[gem1949]

I am a lady of 67 years old, of late i have been gambling more than i ever have before, i dont know what drives me! i am an addictive personality , the gambling is taking over my life….. my lovely daughter has already helped me out with money, some wonderful freinds have helped me out too…….. i have still after all their kindness run up so so much debt, however, i have closed all loopholes for me to gamble again…..am hoping that this is enough………. hubby retires in 7 months and gets a small lump sum , not quite enough to settle everything but i have a chance of start providing none of those i love ever ever ever find out…. in my most sober moments thats all i want , i so need to sort this, am pretty desperate right now and self pity is eating away at me, I know this is of my own making ……. my life? abused child , battered wife , current marriage he doesnt want to know unless theres no life threating bills paid (which they are) he has no clue what i do or when i do it , this i guess is his ‘trust’ in me , for once in my life i just want someone to love me, to be my soulmate, to take all the baggage adn help me through it xxx
thank you for letting me put some of this down on paper xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi Danielle, Welcome to GT. I am a CG and this site is very helpful. Your story moved me! I think that you are awesome. The way that you have reached out to your Mother and Husband. I know that was hard to do. You are putting barriers up so you can’t gamble and trying to rectify your money issues. Tomorrow will be a better day! Take care.

[DaniA]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It’s comforting knowing I’m not the only one going through this. Yesterday was a long day, lots of tears and naps. I got the loan and paid off the cheques and took the rest out in cash and gave it to my husband. I don’t think I would gamble it, but I’ve been wrong about it before and this seemed like the safest option.

My husband said although he is disappointed, he is also relived in a way knowing there is a possible end to our financial struggles. He felt as though he was working so hard and could never get any further. He would tell me before he knew about my gambling that he felt like he was failing my daughter and I because of our struggles. All along it was me. That is what I am most ashamed of. I allowed him to feel that way for so long.

It feels like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders after telling him..and being able to apologise. It still feels unreal having it out in the open. My mother in law also knows and had some very kind and encouraging words for me yesterday.

I took another day off work to recover from the stress. I have been watching Netflix and snuggling on the couch with my daughter all day and am going to make a big supper for my husband tonight (something I haven’t done in a long time).

Anyways, that’s just a quick update on my situation.

It feels good to write these so I will definitely continue to do so.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their words of encouragement and stories. If I can offer one piece of advice to gen1949 it would be to reach out to someone you love..tell them everything. As terrifying as that sounds, and as much as you want to avoid it, it will help you deal with the pain.

[lizbeth4]

I am so happy that you got the loan Smart move giving your husband the remaining cash. It’s good to have the weight off of you. It’s great that you have support. Keep posting and coming here for support!

[DaniA]

I’m back to admit my mistakes (you can take my silence as a bad sign). I haven’t stopped gambling. I continued, won $12, 000.00, put it on bills and then when it was gone tried to win a large sum again. I gambled away my families rent, grocery money and spending money ($4000.00 in one week). I’m back to that awful feeling again. The feeling I had hoped to never feel again. This time it’s a much worse feeling, which I did not think possible after my last episode.

The worst and scariest part is knowing that it CAN and may get much worse. I risked my families home to gamble. How could I let that happen? How far will I go? It’s like a sickness comes over me, almost like a demon (now I sound crazy, but have no other way to explain it).

I’ve had 3 panic attacks and vomited several times this week. My breaths are short and shallow again. I can’t sleep and when I do I dream only of gambling. I am completely zoned out of my life. I hit a parked car and believe it is due to my numbness/unawareness from gambling.

My husband is a kind and supporting person, but even he can only take so much. I’m afraid I will lose him.

I have an appointment with a psychologist this coming Tuesday, but am worried for my well being in the time leading up to my appointment. Also not sure what to expect from this appointment. Has anyone ever met with a psychologist for a gambling addiction and can give me an insight?

Thanks for reading.

[vera]

If you were haemorrhaging , on the roadside from a TA, would you look for a psychologist?
I wouldn’t. I would seek first aid emergency treatment.
Sounds as if you are in deep shock from recent losses and at crises stage.
I would suggest GA. It’s free.
No psychologist will have greater insight to your present plight (Unless he is a CG)
Stop the hemorrhage . Find the cause later. I lost thousands waiting to find the cause of my gambling.
You need to find the “cure”!
Just my opinion.

[Eric2016]

I’ve been living your life these past 3 weeks and I’ve finally said enough is enough. I’ve never had a breakdown as much as I had last night literally crying in my coworkers arms.

As embarrassing as it was, I had to go through that experience so I will never gamble again. Be strong. If I can do it, you can too.

[DaniA]

Thank you so much for your responses. It’s comforting to be acknowledged by others on these forums.

My work benefits cover the psychologist – unlimited visits and it is 100% confidential. I wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise.

I am still gambling every day with hopes to win big and fix all my problems – ridiculous, I know.

I had a live chat last night with the psychologist to ask for some insight on what to expect with my first appointment and she said she has some behavioral exercises she will work on with me and some questions to determine what type of gambling addiction I have (I didn’t know there was more than one kind of gambling addiction) and come up with a plan from there. She said the direction of our session depends on my situation entirely. I don’t know, I’m feeling kind of good about it. I have some hope, which I hadn’t had before.

I have never been to GA, but I feel like my addiction is too strong for this option to work for me.

I was very close to admitting myself into the hospital on Monday, but couldn’t take the embarrassment of telling them why I was there. I am very worried for my well being.

My husband doesn’t want them to put me on any medications as he knows I have an addictive personality. I never liked drugs and can’t imagine becoming addicted to them, but he did ask me to do him that one favor (not to allow them to dope me up to try and fix the problem). I feel I owe it to him.

My mother will be here Monday and she will chat with him, he is very ignorant when it comes to my addiction so he could use some education on it.

My mother has been my saving grace through this all. She used to have a gambling addiction, although not as bad as mine she still understands completely what I’m going through. I’ve had to leave work to go to my car to phone her a couple of times when I felt a panic attack coming on and she was able to calm me down within seconds/minutes. She is paying my rent that I gambled away and is spending $600 on a plane ticket to come see me. Every morning when I get to work I have an encouraging and loving message from her. One day I will repay her in a big way. I can’t wait for that day to come.

I will keep you all updated and hold myself accountable on these forums.

Thanks again for reading. It does mean so much to me!

[DaniA]

Eric, I know the feeling. You’re at the same point I came to.

Telling someone about this used to be my biggest fear, but it came to a point that I had to. I feel like that is definitely the first, biggest and for sure the hardest step to take.

I’m glad you were able to tell someone, please do keep me updated.

[charles]

Dania,

First things first. You need to find a way to stop gambling. one thing we all know is that when we lose our money, when we have no finds left we have to stop. Use that knowledge, your husband can help with the barriers that will limit your access to money. Read the other stories here and you will see that barriers have helped many people.

Where do you normally gamble? Get yourself banned – another good barrier.

Whatever help you use to address things will be a lot more likely to work if you put those sort of barriers in place to give yourself sopme breathing space.

GA? Well I can tell you it has helped people who are extremely addicted? Will it help you? I guess you won’t know if you don’t give it a try. How about going with an open mind?

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking?

[DaniA]

Thanks for the response. I sent an email to GA to inquire about their meetings. I looked up their schedule and they have one near my home this Sunday.

I think I will check it out, and also go to my meeting on Tuesday with the Psychologist.

I gamble online. I have gotten myself banned from hundreds of online casinos but always find my way back in or use another site.

I’m going to the bank with my husband to get a new bank card and going to immediately give it to him without seeing the # so I will not be able to fund my ecopays account which I use to gamble with. This bank card is my only source of funds for gambling as no credit cards work.

[lizbeth4]

Hi DaniA, I think that you should put every and any barrier in place. Only operate with cash. Give all debt and credit cards to your Husband. Have him give you a weekly allowance. Isn’t there something that you can put on your computer to block the gambling sites? Seems like I have heard of it here. I have never gambled online only in casinos. GA-when I first came here the meetings where very helpful. You could give it a try. I am glad that your Mother knows where you are coming from and is so accepting and helpful. I got to the point with my gambling that I was so stressed out about money that it literally made me sick. I had a heart attack and I really believe it was from the stress and worry!!! I think it is good to talk with someone who doesn’t know you one on one. A psychologist, counselor. I don’t like the idea of taking a lot of medicines to control the urges either. Try to do it other ways first. I am in your corner rooting for you!!!!!!

[DaniA]

I’ve been meaning to post an update on how I’m doing, but I’ve cut off my internet access as a barrier and only have internet at work.

I saw my therapist on Tuesday, she suggested I first put every barrier in place possible. (You all told me this before). I feel I made excuses when it comes to this I would say I already tried and found a way around. Well, I need to try HARDER. I got rid of my phone, my husband changed the wifi password, I closed my entropay account and my husband and I are going in to close my bank account and have me added to his as a joint account, where I will have no online banking passwords and will only be able to access cash/debit (in the meanwhile we are keeping my balance at 0 and all funds in his account).

She also suggested I go to AADAC (Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commision) since I am a shy person when it comes to group settings. I found their office online and their hours are during my work hours and it is by walk in only. I booked next Wednesday morning off work to go do this.

She said something to me that I hadn’t thought of or considered. I considered the fact that I may lose my husband, that would devastate me and be a tough pill to swallow, but it never occurred to me that losing him would almost certainly mean losing custody of our daughter as he would be the most stable parent and it would be selfish of me to even want custody of her when I’m in a place like this. That realization scared the CRAP out of me. She is my everything, my truest love and my purpose. I can’t fail her. I won’t! I’m doing this for HER now.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with the director of GA here in my town and he has convinced me to attend a GA meeting in my area. I will be going Sunday or Monday, whichever day is more convenient for my husband as I want him there my first time.

So…the steps I’ve taken so far:
-Therapist
-Barriers

My next steps:
-AADAC
-GA

I have hope for the first time. I haven’t spent any money on gambling in 3 days as I can’t access any money. I have been playing a lot of no deposit sign up bonuses.

I know I have a long way to go. Thanks for reading!

[lizbeth4]

Hi DaniA, Wow, I am impressed. You have really implemented many things towards your recovery. It is hard but you have all of our support here!!! Keep doing what you are doing. It is hard but you can do it!! Take care.

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