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I sat in my first meeting and listened to the men around me describe how they had lost their partners and kids as a result of gambling and so when it was my time to speak my first thought of who had been most affected by my gambling was my brother. He over the years has had to bail me out quite big time and this time the disappointment on his face cut deep with me. Then I walked out of the meeting and reflected and realised even though I haven’t lost my family in the full physical sense the damage I have done over the years to our relationship has been catastrophic. The debts the secrecy the mood swings when I’ve been on a losing streak for days or weeks and have dug a hole so big I can’t see the way out, so I through a strop. I snap at my children, I’m short with my partner or I just avoid talking to him at all cos of he asks what I’ve been doing all day or week, I can’t tell him the real answer so I don’t speak. If he asks where the money for the rent is, I have to lie or take out another payday loan to give him some money so I don’t have to be honest about what I’ve done with my money again this month. And then there’s all the money we could have had saved by now nearly 8 years together and no money saved cos there is nothing left at the end of the month except maybe more debt. The house we can’t buy, the holidays we can’t take, the days out with the kids we can’t have and most importantly the nights out together we couldn’t have cos we just couldn’t afford it. The long term affect that my years of gambling, and putting us in debt has had on my relationship with the man I love and our children fills me with shame and guilt.
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Glad you’re here.
Keep writing, keep sharing. That stuff that feels too hard to talk about or say anything to anyone … I think that’s part of it … it’s the feeling of emotional strait jacket the secrecy … or feeling so ashamed and like you won’t be understood …
I’ve felt that deep myself — the shame and feeling of spiraling. It’s an aching feeling and very disempowered. The world around you switches off.
Deceit and distortion is the name of the game with gambling … it has automatic answers to things with lies “I can’t do that” “I can’t try that” … it like puts a switch in your head that automatically rejects practical solutions (and paints them within your head and emotional field as “impossible”)…
So you have to go a step at a time. Writing here and chatting and sharing is a step. Keep taking steps. You can get through this and make a change — there is oxygen above the surface.
Much love and support <3
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I think the shame has to be one of the biggest weights to learn how to bear and carry through all of this, and then one day perhaps even come to terms with and forgiveness for ourselves.
As IRock says, keep writing. Well done for attending your first meeting. Perhaps hearing other people’s stories will help you to find the support and strength you desire to make changes. But also to feel like you are not alone in your journey, no matter how devastatingly isolating and lonely it can feel at times.
Your words resonate with me very loudly when you talk about the home you don’t have, the evenings out you’ve missed out on, the holidays you haven’t been able to take. These things and thoughts can sit heavily but I hope you can learn, in time, how to see past that and begin to see ways that you can have some of those things in your life again over time.
You are so right, it’s time to stop and we are all here for you, to believe in you when you don’t yourself, and to celebrate with you when you make progress because we understand.
High fives from New Zealand. Thank you for writing today
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Yes … the shame the biggest weight. Like a the densest material you can imagine thick and heavy and compressed into a little ball and weighing on you huge. Shame and feelings of powerlessness are the
absolute destructors of motivation to push through this addiction. I’ve felt them so, so deep as absolute
crushing weights.It’s why we need community and need the encouragement to write, to share, to connect with people
who have survived and overcome the insanity … -
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