[OptimismAlwaysWins]

Hello everyone… like you all, I am here to get out of this addiction which has caused my life to turn upside down  This is the first time I am able to be 100% honest including to

myself that I have a horrible addiction. It all started when I was 18 years old and my uncle’s friend who was gambling $500, $1000 a night on sports. Not casinos. I saw the extra

money that he pulled in off just one baseball game and I immediately made him explain to me how gambling works and was instantly hooked. I won $1500 my first week at 18

years old and I thought I had it made. I lost $2000 the following week. Then another $500 the week after. My 3rd/4th year into gambling, I joined the military.

I began online gambling instead of using a bookie. I was successful my first year, I kept my wins and losses and in one month won $20,000. Someone who has never done drugs

or drank alcohol, I felt a high that was so incredible, I thought I had it all figured out. It affected my life in many positive ways, I could buy and go wherever I wanted. 

Soon after though, I met my girlfriend who is now my wife and I began to lose $2,000, $3,000, $4,000 each month. I took out a $10,000 personal loan and lost all of that too. I 

was definitely stuck in my own world and it was no longer greed at this point. It was a way to escape from the stresses in my life, the military, my relationship, family issues, etc.

It took me almost a year to tell my girlfriend that I was $5,000 in debt (only because I worked a 2nd high paying job) and could pay off most of my losses each month. I continued to gamble

all through my relationship and had good months and bad but our worst times were due to my inability to not let the losses change my behavior. I hid it very well, she had no idea at first.

Fast forward to her helping me get out of debt and then I had quit for almost 11/12 months. I hadn’t placed a single bet in 8 months. But then once I started saving some money, I got the itch again.

I began gambling somewhere in 2016 a few times… nothing crazy like before, but enough that I knew I still had a problem. I eventually told my fiance at the time a week before our wedding day

that I was XX amout of dollars in debt and that I lied about how much debt I had originally which was true, I had told her only a small portion out of fear of leaving me. I will say that this woman

has tried her best to support me and love me throughout all of this and she has had her heart broken because I have gone back on my word so many times. After we got married, I had stopped

again but only shortly because we had moved to another country due to the military and we got into a fight not gambling related and I was so stressed, I turned back to gambling about 7-8 weeks 

ago. I lost $4,000 right off the bat and she snuck around because she noticed a change in my behavior and ultimately found out that I was lying about gambling again and there we were once again

just completely destroyed and my marriage hanging in the balance… I love my wife more than anything and she doesn’t deserve the pain and misery I’ve put her through because of my addiction.

I deserve better than this, and I am here to save my marriage and to better my life. This is our last chance. She is devistated and I have given her full control of our finances. We have been married 

less than 6 months but I am here because of my problem, my addiction, and I wouldn’t blame her if she left me but she is more concerned with working it out and getting me the help I need.

So I am taking full responsibility and am going to change this. Its May 21st and at the end of today will have been two days since I haven’t gambled. I need something else to relieve stress,

I already exercise, am a long distance runner, but I feel like when we fight or I am stressful at work, I need a new escape so I don’t turn back to this. Thank you all for listening to me today…

I am going to start with a goal of 6 months and build off that. I will have my wife in the loop about my emotions and feelings. She is very stressed out too though because nobody else knows

about my problem. No family members of mine or hers and she cannot tell my command for I will possibly get kicked out of the military. I have no other personal issues going on in my life and 

when gambling isn’t causing my attitude to change, my life with my wife and within the military is absolutely amazing. Thank you again for reading.. have a great rest of your day ladies and gents!

[velvet]

Hello Optimism and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[finding_laura]

Dear Optimism,
I hope you are still here reading and looking into some type of gambling support like gamblers anonymous and addictions counseling. I’m sorry for my late response! Thanks to being in recovery I have been able to do things lately I never thought possible. Like travel.

I can tell you the hard decisions I made to help me stop gambling. But first I had to know that I couldn’t gamble again. If I did it was going to take from me all of the most wonderful things in my life like my marriage, my relationships with my children, and my family. Maybe you kept thinking somehow you could handle it. You could control it. But once we cross that line and become addicted we will never be able to do that again. So please take the hard steps needed to put yourself back in the drivers seat of your life. Give up control of finances to someone you trust. When we are in a weak moment we can give in so easily. Especially in the first months of withdrawal and emotions. As i first said, get support from GA or other support group. Find a good counselor. Perhaps your wife needs some support as well. Some counseling. You can come back from this and have a quite normal life. Please know that. But you have to fight for your wife and your self. Please keep posting. Sometimes things get a little quite around here and it takes time. I hope you are doing ok.
Laura

[OptimismAlwaysWins]

Laura, 

Thank you for responding. I appreciate you taking the time to say all that. Me being new to this whole thing, I have already read a few forums and stories. Could I ask you what yours is like or what exactly it is that got you to the point of where you are now? It sounds like you have recovered and it sounds like it was a really tough road. I am straight edge, I don’t smoke, drink alcohol, never have and I am very very good at making the people around me happy. I feel like gambling just changes who we are as people down to the core. It changes my mood, my responses, my actions, everything… I am glad that you have found a solution to your addiction and I wish you nothing but the best. 

I am now going on 5 days and I think the first few weeks will be the hardest. I have changed my diet and kept busy and my marriage is always the best when I am this way. My wife can just see the man she fell in love with and we may not have kids at the moment but it was hard hearing that she is scared to have them because of my addiction. 

With all this being said, is it possible for you to tell me your story? If not on here, have you posted to another forum already about it? I would like to read it. One of my motivations with this problem is knowing others who have fought back and came out on top. Thanks again

– Brandon

[finding_laura]

Hi Brandon, happy to hear that you are on day five. I did ask the help line previously to see if they could find my old thread. I had lost it once upon a time due to a change on the site. I had also thought it time to let go of the past so started a new thread instead of waiting for them to see if they could recover it. I can ask them again if they could find it. My dates will likely be a bit fuzzy but here goes… I began gambling in 2005 approximately, at the age of 35. I liked it a lot. Slot machines. No skill required. It would let me zone out for a while. Forget about my marriage problems, and my health problems. I knew that I liked it too much. I only gambled small amounts when I started. And I would get very upset with myself if I spent more than $20. But gradually I seemed to bet larger amounts. And I would find myself wanting to gamble everyday. If my budget was gone in five minutes I would keep spending because I didn’t want to have to stop. At one point I stopped gambling for almost a year due to my worsening health and a resulting surgery. Unfortunately, even though I recognized I had a problem, I eventually went back when my health improved. This was even after joining this site back in 2007. I wasn’t ready yet to stop, I hadn’t hit my rock bottom yet. Over the next two plus years I lost tens of thousands of borrowed dollars. High interest loans to pay bills and gamble. The house of cards was going to come down sooner or later. In October of 2009 I had to face the fact that I was forcing my family into bankruptcy and we would likely lose our family home. I became suicidal at the thought of telling my husband. He had no idea as I had been the financial care taker. It was a very very dark time. I could see myself heading there long before I got to that place. Often other gamblers in recovery warned me to take precautions against myself but I didn’t. It was a very difficult time. Your partner realizes that your problem could take from any children you may have. And she isn’t wrong. My children paid a price for my gambling. When I finally started to reach out for help for my problem, from a sister, from an addictions counselor, from GA, I put in place safety mechanisms. My accountant mother had access to my bank accounts and I provided receipts for every purchase. I did that for two years. Only then did I feel confident I wouldn’t ruin things. I would suggest doing finances together with your wife. Accountability helps us. When an urge hits it will help you fight it knowing you would have to explain your actions. I picked up my 5 year chip at GA, but unfortunately I had stopped doing the things that made me accountable and supported me and I began gambling half a year later. Some things still made it harder to gamble, so thankfully I was restricted somewhat. But I was sneaking around like a thief and all my hard won honesty and integrity was lost. That bothered me the most. Because how can you have a good marriage that way. I have another year now nearly under my belt and am glad to be back on the path of recovery. I have made a commitment to myself to return to spending time here as often as possible. To support my recovery. And my husband and I discuss are finances regularly so he knows where we are at. He didn’t have a head for numbers, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t tell him regularly about our finances. I don’t want any more lies. Life is more peaceful without gambling. You and I may gamble for different reasons but the resulting destruction and chaos will be the same. If you have a compulsion or addiction to gambling it will rob you of everything good in your life and leave you with an empty shell of your self. We can recover, but why go any further down that path than you have to. I wish you all the best. Laura

[OptimismAlwaysWins]

Hello Laura,

I have been away for a few weeks… half of that reason is because I have told myself “I am fine” and half because I am just lazy when I am working a full time military job and doing a bunch of other things every day that take up time. But I have a good amount of time here today and I just read your post. I am glad to hear that you have another year under your belt. That’s awesome. Congrats. Knowing you went 5 years though and relapsing made me realize that no matter how long we go without an addiction whether it be alcohol, drugs, or gambling.. even after 5.. or 10.. or 15 years.. we are always vulnerable to it.

I’m glad it hasn’t ruined your marriage. I’m sure it nearly did but it sounds like things aren’t how they used to be.

I can tell you that from my marriage (we have no kids) that my wife has literally cried more during my gambling issues than I have ever seen her cry. Its been almost a month and I feel fine. I don’t feel an itch. We are only $2,000 in debt left and although our savings could cover that, we don’t ‘touch our savings’ lol. I am happy that my wife and I will be out of the so called debt I put us in within another month or two at the most as she is currently unemployed as she looks for a job in this new country we are in. I have to say that I have been so busy, I haven’t even had the time to think about gambling. The itch hasn’t even been there. I feel so content and happy with coming home and seeing my wife and traveling with her, or going to the zoo, playing tennis, etc… I know that when we lay our heads down at night that she still has a lot of pain and hurt in her heart and that’s only going to go away with time. She has FULL CONTROL of our finances… we have agreed that she will run my credit report every quarter. She has full access to my e-mails, our bank account and credit cards, etc.

I won’t say that I don’t need this website. I am still new and honestly it has helped out knowing that so many people will reach out to you. I feel a lot happier though without it. My main anxiety now though is when we go back to the United States and I am stationed somewhere where gambling is legal. They just made gambling legal in a few states as far as Sportsbooks and its going to be up to each state to legalize it which I’ve read many are intending to. So my most vulnerable time will be my first few weeks or months back in the united states after my overseas tour is over.

I thank you for taking the time to reply to me. That was sweet and kind of you. I hope that you keep on finding the strength inside you and that you realize that there are so many things about life that can make you fill fulfilled. Have a great weekend!!!!!

[charles]

Hi Optimism,

I wouldn’t worry tomuch at this point about when you return to the USA. It is a while away and you will have some gamble free time under your belt and started work on your recovery by then. You can also be prepared for it – when you know where you will be you can check out your local GA meetings, get yourself banned from any local casino etc

Take thigns a day at a time as well.

It is good that your debts will soon be cleared but be aware that that canalso be a danger time – there will be more money available. Keep the accountability in place. By removing the onloine option you might find that “reall life” gamblign establishments become more attractive. The addiction doesn’t care how it gets it’s fix.

Keep posting, it sounds like you are already finding great ways to fill your gambel free time.

[finding_laura]

Hi Optimism, it’s good to read your latest post! Sorry I missed it as I had a death in the family and was away from the site for a little while.

Sounds like things are going really well right now. You have put measures in place to prevent your access to your bank accounts etc which can really lessen urges for a lot of people. You are filling your time with fulfilling activities with your wife and through work which help de-stress and build a strong relationship. And if or when you get urges you have support here and there are other places and ways of support when needed. Re read your first post and how it made you feel to hurt your wife and risk the best thing in your life and you will remember why you don’t want or can’t gamble again.

As Charles says, when you are due to to return to the US you can do research about where you are going and if you are still nervous about it talk with your wife and what you can do together to make sure you continue to stay on your preferred path! Sounds like she’s pretty savvy so far.

Hope you’ve had another great week. Take care,
Laura
P.S. Life is good and I can’t complain 🙂

[finding_laura]

Hi Optimism, just bumping you up to the top. Wondering how things are going with you! Keeping busy still? Sometimes the doldrums can set in. But hopefully as is summer time you are out and more active which helps. Take care, Laura

[OptimismAlwaysWins]

Laura,

I am so sorry to hear of the death in your family. I offer you my condolences. 

I appreciate your posts! I am finding it right now to be easy. I haven’t even thought about gambling… Its been great! I just went on a 4 day weekend couples retreat with my wife in Garmish, Germany and we had a blast. It really helped us talk about even more openly about this gambling issue and things have seem to really turned around thus far. Because finances are out of my hands, its easy to just relax and not have to even worry about it because I am aware my wife can see everything at any time. I don’t have a second job either so I guess the only way shes worried about me gambling is if I borrowed money from someone but I am not that desparate. Its been a good first month. I knocked it out.. working on month 2.. 

I find that staying busy AND open with my wife about my feelings on it have helped tremendously as we previously talked about. Thanks for the advice.. you and Charles about when we get back to US. Just knowing I can be 3 years clean and free of it when we do get back already motivates me. 

– Brandon (If I haven’t introduced myself already)

[OptimismAlwaysWins]

Thank you for your response. I am feeling more confident about it as each day goes by. I am aware of the danger and can only hope I am strong and open enough with my wife so all urges will be faced with truth and support.

– Brandon

[finding_laura]

Dear Brandon, Thanks for the condolences. I was just grateful to be there for my family instead of sitting at the bottom of a pit I’d dug for myself.

I’m so happy that things are going so well for you. Having a partner who understand, supports and is there to spend time with and have adventures with is the real win. Your are both putting in the effort and thankfully that is making it much easier for you. Couldn’t have hoped for better for you 🙂
I found accountability helped me a lot with urges as it takes away some of the temptation. I know we have to be ready to take that step. It’s nice to go to bed at night with a clean conscience and a calmer mind.

Keep up the great work both of you! Have an amazing summer. Drop us a line to let us know how you are continuing to get on. ttfn Laura

[Author]

Posts