[luce]

I have been bulimic since I was a teenager-that is how I used to cope. My coping method of choice for the past ten years has been gambling. It has progresssed into $300,000. worth of debt between my husband and me. He plays the tables, I prefer the slots. Apparently neither of us are lucky.I have sad stories about my childhood-mother with prescription drug problems. Father emotionally distant. Both are big drinkers now.None of it really matters . But, here I am 42 years old and unable to cope with life and seemingly unable to enjoy anything in life, except destructive things-gambling, drinking, abusing food. Husband was a past member of AA for years. But, has been on a downhill spiral for years right beside me. Drinking and getting mean, gambling. We have all but ruined our relationship, ourselves and definitely our bank account. I own a small business and something snapped in me when I noticed that people don’t always pay their bills- LARGE bills. I felt like all money turned into play money at some point and that I had no control over it. My business was just like a craps table, because you can work hard and still get ripped off. I lost a lot of faith in people by owning my business. A big part of my reason of escape to the casino. I feel special, important and happy there. Even though I know they are laughing at me for being so stupid. I yearn for peace within myself. I do not know how to quiet myself. No peace for me. I loved the rush of the casino-the energy, light, action. I felt alive. What am I to do now? I wish you all the best-every one of you. It is my birthday this weekend and I am full of dread. I feel like a loser in life and that happiness is simply not attainable. I do not want to post and be a drag on others spirits, but I do want to be honest. I am embarking on this journey, but I am not excited about it. What I really want to do is go "play" and have fun. Because there are at least MOMENTS of fun. There is a huge price to pay. But, it’s those moments that I have lived for. The thrill of the ride to get there before you have lost anything, or the big hit. Then, I know comes that gut wrenching feeling afterwards that has ruined any bits of self esteem I’ve ever had, which was not much. That’s all for now. Thanks for reading. I have been reading posts for days before signing up and I truly thank you all-you have helped me get through the last two weeks. My husband and I last gambled on 7/16-7/17. I called a gambling therapy hotline on 7/18 after a terrible drunken fight between us after gambling. The closest casino is about two hours away. No GA close enough for me to attend so this will be my lifeline. Thank you all.

[Author]

Posts