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Day One.. Im lost for words. Im devastated.
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Sweet Pea!!!
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Back to the Drawing Board, P!
We’ve all been there.
Day one will be over soon….
Then what? -
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There are no words to express how awful we feel when we slip up, or how devastated and sick inside we feel and lost and guilty and on and on.. One week ago, I too felt crazy- sick- horrible!! I had went over 2 months with no gambling and thought I was totally done, thought I had no urges- no need for any of it! It took me those 2 full months to even begin to get back on track from the destruction of the gambling binges right before that! So, to be back on track somewhat and then after 2 months or really over 2 months, to go and destroy everything I worked so hard for, finances, emotions, urges all that was shocking! I couldn’t believe myself, still can’t really! But after 1 week that lump in the throat that wants to spill over and make us sick starts to just barely go away a little and so please please hang in there. During this past week I had urges so strong to go WIN my money back, to make up for the huge mistake I did last weekend, but I somehow didn’t go and now the urges are a little lighter and I know over time will go down less and less! But I have to keep my guard up, you do, we all on here do- even months, years after we quit! We just can’t be social and casual gamblers, we know no control! All the best, please know you are special and important and take it ODAAT..
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Dear P
You are not going crazy – you can get through this. Nobody knows when a true recovery starts but they do start so take courage and don’t look back.
You can’t count seven days in an instant but you can cope with one day – today – that is all you need to ask of yourself.
Velvet -
Trouble figuring out this site sorry to interupt your post.
Im so sorry to hear you are struggling.
Can i tell you you need to stop the end is ugly ,uglier then you could of ever imagined.
I now what the end looks like and i can tell you ,you will never feel so alone in your life,i lost my court cases ,see they dont care you needed help or was ill ,you will be viewed as a crimminal and person that the world needs to be protected from.
And i can tell it hurts beyond words.
It is to late for me in the name of God stop hope.
I always knew i was in big trouble even way back when i first sought recovery,but it was to late long before i entered a GA room.
But you know in the back of your mind how you hang on to hope that hey maybe just maybe ,it will all work out.
I have no more hope that my past wont destroy me cause it did.
No amount of gamble free,clean time can fix this .
Hope i have left recovery ,and reality is cruel beyond words .Do the crime pay the time,i have to settle and except who and what i have become.
I know you probably dont or need to hear all that,cause i know you know ,BUT NO YOU DONT. trust me .
Ask for help and when you think you are on top of it all get more HELP ,cause you dont.
From one gambler to another ,from one mother to another from one friend to another from one women to another .
Im sending you the biggest hug .Counting on you,one day i will pop back in and i will look for your posts ,watching yah girl ,DREAM BIG ,take care . -
Sweet Pea I am glad that you are back posting. You have been missed. I did a long post to you yesterday and it’s in cyberspace somewhere as it’s not here. I know it’s not easy to start at Day 1, 2 etc. but it means you are on the right track when you are thinking that way, but don’t think about what day you are on, just think about it one day at a time. I know you will make it P as you are a fighter and are determined, and use that fight and determination for delaying the next bet. It is a strange thing to surrender and admit we are powerless when it comes to gambling. It could be any of us that is back to Day 1 Sweet Pea. I am feeling for you right now as I know the feeling after we have gambled, the gambling hangover, the longing to go back and play just one more time, the self loathing, the thoughts and urges. I have Faith in you Sweet Pea and you will make it. It’s time to reconnect with GA and go see a counsellor and take all the support that you need and can get. You are worth it. Wishing you a gamble free day!!!
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Hi P, well done on posting. Are you back using your other support as well? Your meetings? Your phone list? Your gambling counsellor?
Whilst I know it won’t feel like it at the moment there is one way in which you are lucky at the moment- you KNOW what works.
Keep posting, hopefully see you in a group soon.
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P, I am glad that you are back and posting. Just get through today. I am praying for strength for all of us facing this addiction. I know what kind of person you are, awesome! It takes a lot of character to come back after gambling. We are always here for you as you are here for us. We are a family. I was asked recently why I continue to post here when I haven’t gambled for awhile. This is one of the reasons, I care about others here and I want to show my support. You are right, no one can understand the turmoil you are experiencing except another compulsive gambler. Put all you barriers up and gather all of your support around you. It will get better
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(((Sweet Pea))) I have been thinking of you lots and feeling for you as I know that the gambling hangover is just horrible to get through. I don’t want you to think about counting days, just focus on today.
I hope you are sitting have your coffee and reading this and knowing we all care about you. I am so proud of you for coming back and posting as it is not easy after a slip/gambling binge or whatever we call it. You should be proud of yourself that you came back and reached out to your fellow compulsive gamblers. I am glad that you are also reaching out to GA for support. I know that you will get there Sweet Pea as you are the little engine that could and you will continue to work at a gamble free life as you deserve it. Wishing you a gamble free day!!! -
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…but you will recover, p. Just try to hang on. We all understand only too well those terrible feelings. It takes courage and strength to face the truth and then begin again.
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One day at a time, on hour, one minute, one second whatever it takes just hang in there and you will get there. I feel for you and what you are going through. I HATE this addiction and what it does to us. It is always there lurking and waiting to pull us back. I know without a doubt that if I went once that I would not have a slip either P, I would be a crazy person unable to stop. You have come back P and I am not even suggesting that it is going to be easy for you, but hang in there and never ever give up.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and we would not be compulsive gamblers, but unfortunately that is just a dream. We just have to continue to take it one day at a time. It is not easy P, and I know that you are going through hell right now, but keep going girl and you will get through this. I know you will find the strength to fight the urges and stay away just for today.
I am envisioning you sitting having your coffee and reading posts. One day, one hour, one minute at a time, whatever it takes P to get through this, you will get there!!!! -
Dear p, I understand your feelings as I felt so helpless when I came to this site. I thought that it would never get better. But it will get better. Just get through the day. Don’t give up! Fight! Sending you hugs and all the best thoughts
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P, I have been thinking of you all day. Let it out. Cry till you can’t cry anymore. I know that you are at a low right now but it will get better. Hang in there!
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HI P. Lovely to see you in chat
Hope you enjoyed your walk -
Well done on the great effort P!
Recovery is not easy but it is possible. Hang in here ! We need you! -
I was disconnected from the chat P…..
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Just been catching up on your posts. I am sorry you have been going through such a tough time. The past is behind, even if it is still trying to torment you – your salvation is in the present and the future. In this very moment and each moment to come.
Wishing you courage and good health.
Monique
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Sweet Pea would you have had as much gamble free time over the last 5 years if you had not been working recovery. You have achieved more than you know. You never give up and although you have had relapses you fight tooth and nail to get back into recovery. It is not easy to get back on the right track after we have gambled. It’s the worst possible thing to go through those urges and all you want to do is give in to them and gamble. You are an inspiration to so many of us so never give up trying. I hate this addiction and what it does to us. You will do it (((P))) one day at a time!!! Grab all the support you can and hold on tight!!!!
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Why would you lose hope now P, when you need it more than ever?
We are all behind you now. Never give up!
You certainly have much more hope trying Recovery again, than you have when you are out there gambling recklessly! No hope of winning! Every hope of losing!
I will pray for the Gift of Hope for you P!
It is a very special gift. Without Faith there is no Hope. Without Hope , there is no Charity!
One day at a time. Don’t look back! It’s futile! Don’t look forward either. Today is all any of us have. Try to find simple things to do that will bring you relaxation and peace. Try 5 minutes walking . Next 5 minutes sitting with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths. Next 5, feeling the sunshine on your face. Next 5 listening to music. Next 5 stroking your cat …..and so on until you FEEL the real YOU coming back to life.My guess is that you are still in shock.
Gambling has often left me feeling numb. Like a zombie! Traumatized!
You will come back to reality bit by bit P.
Time is a great healer.
In one of KenL’s Daily e mails it says every day use Gratitude and Acceptance at every turn.
Let’s try it P….. -
Hi P
I had to post after I read your words “i kind of think if i was going to make it i would have by now”.
You did something different when you cried after not crying for years. Why shouldn’t your ‘today’ be the beginning of your gamble-free life?
Never give up on something that is so worthwhile and so precious.
Velvet -
After 5 years of my mess too, I am only 2 weeks gamble free as well, so as you said we are both kind of in this together same timing and all!! It does get worse each time I gamble, so you know what, we just have to stop- keep moving forward each day, hopeful that we will have a bright day! Don’t give up, we can’t give up, if we do then we are giving in to it in a way.. We will get through this but as stated above only if we do it on a day to day basis.. I can’t keep looking back (although I am in a way, trying to recover from the mistakes and money loss ect) but at some point we have to not look back or foward, just today! You are doing good!! It’s okay whatever emotions we have, it’s okay:)
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HI P. Eight days is eight days. If you can do it for eight days , you can do it!!! I will be thinking of you but I won’t be posting for a while as I am disposing of my ipad today so won’t have internet access. Please hang I there , you are doing great.
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HI P. Eight days is eight days. If you can do it for eight days , you can do it!!! I will be thinking of you but I won’t be posting for a while as I am disposing of my ipad today so won’t have internet access. Please hang I there , you are doing great.
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I know how you feel. It is hell. It is living hell. I read what you wrote and cried because I feel that way too. I just want to hug you and say YOU ARE WORTH IT. And I know you would say the same to me — that I am worth it. So why can we so sincerely mean it and clearly see it for others but we can’t say it to ourselves or believe it about ourselves? It is true about both of us (((((P))))) and now we just need to start believing.
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P, thinking of you and sending you prayers. I have lots to do so I can’t write as much as I would like. You ask a very good question. One I ask myself. Why do I mess things up when I start to feel better, when things are going well? I know I need to ponder this in depth. But, I think for me, I still think I can have my cake and eat it too. When I start to feel better, I think that I can gamble and still have a good life, still feel good…function…etc. Why can’t I have this life and a little gambling, too? Unfortunately, it never works! I end up sabotaging my happiness.
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Hi P! I understand your despair and feeling low!!! Don’t give up on yourself!! I don’t know why we continue to sabotage ourselves. Why do we think that we can gamble? That is just part of this illness/addiction. You are not worthless and useless. P, you are appreciated and loved. You are just in a bad place right now. You will work through it!! I know it is hard and tough but you can do it. Keep posting!!! I will be thinking and praying for you to have strength to get through this. Take care.
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(((P))) I am sorry that you are going through this hell right now, as to me it is the only way to describe the despair, self loathing that a compulsive gambler goes through after a gambling binge. Keep posting how you feel and just get it out. Go to your counsellor and let it all out. You will start to feel better day by day. You cant change the past, but it is in the past, it’s time to look forward. WTG on 10 days gamble free, that is you moving forward. Keep thinking about all the days you would have gambled if you had not been here working recovery. I wish I could give you a big hug and sit and have coffee with you and tell you that you are a wonderful and awesome person. You look after your little family by yourself. I want you to write down what you would say to someone else who was going through what you are going through right now, and then read it back to yourself. Show compassion and caring to yourself Sweet Pea as that is what you deserve. You don’t deserve the horrible things you are saying to yourself. I know you will get there (((P)))
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Hello P. My heart went out to you as I read that last line – the sadness and feeling of being lost. My thought then was to just think of ‘one-step-at-a-time’. Even one day at a time may feel overwhelming just now, but what about focussing on just a step at a time? Focussing on the present and future, but only in very small steps.
And there are obviously many people thinking about you, even if you feel separate from family and those physically near to you.
Don’t give up.Monique
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(((Sweet Pea))) cyber hugs as I know you need them. It is so hard to pretend sometimes P!!! We feel so unhappy, sad, devastated, unworthy and the list goes on as to how we feel in the inside, and yet we put on this brave face to the outside world that everything is fine. It is so much easier to tell someone else that they are an awesome person than to say it to ourselves. I want you to repeat after me…Sweet Pea is a caring, smart, intelligent, lovable person. Yes, she is a compulsive gambler that does not mean that she is not a good person, who has a terrible disease/addiction. You are so worth working on and I have Faith that you will do this, and I for one am very proud of how far you have come. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, one second whatever it takes you will get there (((P)))
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I hope you don’t mind, but I am leaving this message for (((Pumpkin))) as with the post it tells me that she is still reading your posts. I do think of you often Pumpkin and wonder how you are doing. I remember you in my prayers. I will never forget you and P as your support and caring for me helped me so much in my recovery. I do miss those chats and laughs and if every I can support you I want you to know that I will in any way that I can. Pumpkin never give up on yourself. I don’t know if you still have your cats, but if so, give them hugs from me and a big cyber hug to you (((Pumpkin)))
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P,
You are stronger than you think, you are regaining your strength a little every day, yes it hurts,it’s painful and soul destroying…..but, you are still fighting, you are still breathing and as long as you keep on doing that there will always be hope. Thinking of you girl, K xxxxx -
(((P))) don’t worry about getting all the stuff out by posting it here as it really does help. It is one day at a time P and you will get up that hill like the little engine that could, just by saying I can do it, I can do it, I can do it… I hate the feeling after a gambling binge, it is pure hell trying to get back on track and yet you are here doing it. WTG for coming back and fighting for your gamble free life. I am going to give you a suggestion and that is to have something in place so that you don’t have access to money to gamble. I don’t know what you can do to achieve this, but give it some thought P!!!! I know I could not have access to money as I did not trust myself, and even when I had some gamble free time behind me I had days that I would not take money with me. It just helped to get the temptation out of my way. I know you can do it (((P))) Cyber hugs and keep posting and getting all the pain out!!!! It does not matter if it is depressing or not, it is important to blurt it all out as it makes you feel better!!!!
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P, I am sorry that you are struggling. Even though you are going through a rough time, you found time to support me. Your words do help me P. I find comfort in them. We can only live one day at a time. We can’t change the past but we can try to make our future better. Keep up the work P!! I know it is hard but you are worth it!!!!
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You are going to get through this, just keep moving forward each day just take a little step forward and then another. That is what I am doing and sooner or later it will get a little less painful for us! I am thinking of you!! Please take care
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(((Sweet Pea))) you are probably tired as you could not sleep and everything seems worse when we are sleep deprived. It is tough to push ourselves to do things sometimes, and I am the best procrastinator in the world, except when I should procrastinate and not play machines. I think it was either Larry or Geordie that made a comment to me after I had posted about being a procrastinator that I should use that for placing my next bet. I do have times that I want to gamble. In fact just yesterday when I was out driving my mind went to the machines. I had money in my wallet and I visualized putting money in a machine and I could feel the excitement, and I thought I could may be go once. How we lie to ourselves as I know going once is not an option for me. I thought I may win some money, again I know I would not be a winner as I would feed it all back in. I thank God that I got my mind thinking differently and did not go. It is something we have to be on our guard for at all times. It hurts so much after we have some gamble free time behind us and we have a relapse. The gambling hangover is awful and our mind is continually wanting to take us back to gamble. You are going through a terrible time P, but you are getting through it. Keep your head up and look forward not backwards because you are not going that way!!!! I wish I could take some of the hurt away from you, but you know it will get easier!!!! One day at a time (((P)))
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You can do it P, ODAAT
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I just want you to get up and have your coffee and know that I am sending cyber hugs to you. You are not alone Sweet Pea as I am always sending warm telepathy thoughts your way. I know it is tough for you right now, but I know it will get easier, and you know this as well. All we can do is take it one day at a time and remember that any gamble free day is a good day!!! I want you to think of all the gamble free days that you have had because you come here or go to GA or counselling. Also reach out and get all the support that you can to help you. Have a wonderful gamble free day Sweet Pea!!!!
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Hi (((P))) cyber hugs to you. I know you are hurting right now, but I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts even if you are not posting. I hope you get your coffee and check in and this post gives you a little lift to brighten your day. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…. get through today without gambling!!! If you try just for today then it is amazing how much you can achieve. We are all human and we continue to fight this addiction day by day, hour by hour or minute by minute. It is not easy P after you have poked the bear as the addiction consumes you. It is the only thing you can think of. You just want to give in as you cant stand it, but you know it will get easier the longer the bear lies sleeping. Wishing you a gamble free day (((P))) Miss you
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Hi P, I am thinking of you today. I hope you are reading this as I care for you P. You have a lot of friends here who care and support you. We are here for you. Stay strong.
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Hi P, I am thinking of you. Post when you are ready!! Take care.
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Take courage and remember how much you are thought about and matter to us all here.
Monique
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