[diva1945]

I decided to start a new thread after completing the self ban at the casino.  It has lifted a weight from my shoulders and I know it is a great start.  I also went to GA meeting finally.  It is not necessarily a warm and fuzzy experience, but the messages were very important.  One person really hit home when he talked about how a cg feels so positive he has the answer and the strategy going into the casino and how when we come out broke and devastated something happens when we hit the air outside and we suddenly regain our sanity and wonder what we thought we were doing by spending so much or staying so long etc.  Today, my less than supportive bf, who is still at my home because he spent all his money gambling and has no where to go for another month, continued his behavior of negative remarks, and slept all day, and the urge to get out of my own house was so strong to go gamble, thank God I had the ban in place.  It forced me to stay put and think long and hard about how I arrived at this state. To accept responsibility for my own actions which has led to this situation, and to stop crying over spilt milk, so to speak.  To accept the situation as it is, to confirm to myself when he gets his next check and can move on he needs to do so for my sanity if nothing else.  I am now at a place where i have admitted powerlessness over gambling, and am turning this over to God to help me through.  Today is gambling free, I can be in control of the choices I make.  These are my newest affirmations. 
Thanks to all the supportive comments and reading stories from Vera and Pumkin and Katherine and Bettie, to name a few, I do not feel alone.  I feel very rich in support.if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right

[hoops1970]

Awesome!  Good job on self-banning.  It is so weird still when I read posts and I feel like I could have written them myself.  Everyone on this site has been so supportive and honest.  It helps so much to know we are not alone and that we can conquer this together!  When you wrote a weight was lifted, I could relate with you so well as I just banned myself from the casino I started going to after I banned myself from the casino that is closest in location to me.  I am so glad we have that option.  I think you will do great!  I don’t know anything about your BF, but if he is unsupportive of you and gambles as well, it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for you.  Stay strong – LisaNot Gambling…one day at a time

[diva1945]

Thanks Lisa, Bettie  and everyone.  I am glad I banned.  I still am ambivalent about the bf thing.  Financially, it would be helpful to share a space when I move, and I think I am afraid of being 65 and starting again. He is very enabling as well as not willing to give up gambling, he just hedges when we talk, stating he doesn’t know what he will do.  I said I didn’t think I could drive to the casino further away as it is all freeway, and I get pretty anxious driving on the freeway for any distance (don’t ask me why, I don’t know) so there I threw out a subtle message, right!!!! Oh, the sneakiness of this disease, he offered to ride along, whatever I wanted to do.  So we did drive up to that casino, it wasn’t total disaster, as I didn’t have much money with me, but I felt so stupid afterward, and angry with myself, cause I set that up.  I know I will not drive there by myself and really didn’t feel comfortable about being there, so that was good.
Had a conversation later in day and told him I just can’t gamble, but I know if I suggest it he will agree, and if he plans to go without me to the casino I banned myself from, it would drive me nuts.  Right now I need to surround myself with people who are gf and who won’t buy into my little tricks and give me a loving kick back to positive thinking.  I am so strong with resolve, and then loose it so easily.  I suggested it would not be good to share a apt when I move after the bankruptcy ,or whatever, under the circumstances as we both will enable the other and I need to keep trying to be gf.  He agrees with whatever I say, he does not dispute it or make any comment, if I say we will share and only gamble occassionally, he would agree with that too. 
Boundaries, boundaries,  how do I make them and keep them.  I think this must be my life lesson. am making the list of reasons not to gamble.  I am making a list of goals.  I am going to GA and coming on forum,doing group therapy when I can on line and it has helped alot.  Trying to look forward.  Thanks for being there, and keep on keeping on, everyone. Diva
 

[hoops1970]

Hey Diva,
Oh my goodness, I feel your pain.  My husband does not like to gamble at all, but almost all of my friends and co-workers do.  It is tough to stay strong – OMG – it takes so much to say no and stick to it.  I had to laugh when you set up the trip to the casino to make it look like you didn’t really care if you went or not.  I have done that a million *****! Pretending like I could give or take it – HA!  I was always the last one to leave, the one that spent the most money, always had to try to beat the machines.
My brother and I are very close and gambled ALOT together.  We would split money alot….then I started feeling guilty because I felt like I was making him gamble – not true, he is very capable of losing his money without me around.  Our relationship almost ended over gambling – he owed me alot of money and I felt like he took advantage that I have a good salary and thought I could afford to support his habit too.  I had to put my foot down one night after I had borrowed him money "to get gas and groceries" and I found him gambling at a local bar.  I was furious and told him to never ask me for money again and if he did our relationship would be over for good.  Fortunately, our love for each other as brother and sister prevailed.  He has not asked me for a dime in almost 1.5 years and we have put that behind us. 
I hope you and you BF can work things out if you want to stay with him.  Please stay strong for yourself and your future first.  Talk to you soon.
LisaNot Gambling…one day at a time

[bettie]

Hi Diva,
I have worn those shoes you are wearing right now and let me tell you-they HURT!
Keep banning until you head gets it-GAMBLING IS NOT AN OPTION! Work on that list Diva, of why you Can’t gamble-not just why you don’t want to. The cg in us says I don’t want to loose my money (but maybe I can "win" some back")-the REAL person that we are deep inside knows that money must be spent on survival-rent, phone, food, gas, etc. It takes quite a while for money to mean something more than a means to gamble. That is insane-but that is what it is.
I banned the state of Indiana first. I kidded myself into believing that I would not gamble in Illinois because I couldn’t smoke there. That lasted a couple of weeks. I slipped and banned Illinois in the same week. I was good a couple months then I ran 1 & 1/2 hours to Michigan. When I got 90 days "clean" the second time around I gave myself a Christmas gift early- I banned Michigan..
We are pro’s at setting our selves up for failure. Every "slip" I had I planted the seed days even week ahead of time. When you get some clean time going you will get a better perspective of what is going on.
I am still friends with my ex gambling buddy but I had to set some  ground work. IF she gambles she is not to mention it to me. Gambling talk is off limits. GA suggests we stay away people who gamble. It’s not a bad suggestion but somehow not always practical. When people and customers inquire about my gambling-everyone knew I liked to gamble-I tell them I don’t gamble anymore-it just doesn’t pay. Most people will leave it at that. The less that people engage in gambling talk the better it is for me. The cg in me LOVES to hear those stories, so I avoid it.
Stay strong Diva! You are so worth it!
peace
bettie

[diva1945]

Wow!  I am amazed at the commonality we all share.  Bettie, your story is so helpful, and Lisa too, I guess the old story it takes one to know one really applies.  Washington is different in that it is not state gambling but done by individual indian tribes on Indian land, so each casino is a separate entity.  Fortunately, my limited driving scope, I really do not drive freeways hardly at all, keeps me local.  But I will ban each casino, if I find myself finding ways to get there.  I really appreciate the wisdom of your experiences.  I know my resolve begins to morph into plot when I know I am going to be paid, or the weekend starts rolling around.  I will plan to list reasons why I CAN’T gamble, ie need to save every penny for moving, need to prevent mental stress. Need to restore and retain the trust of my dear friends and family who are supportive of me, to name a few I can think of at this minute.  The bf is planning to move out and I presume we will not maintain a friendship as this is too hard to do.  I don’t want to hear about gambling either.  If I hear someone lost money then there is a little tiny piece of satisfaction that I didn’t go and they did and see where that went, and if they won, then I would get the urge to try to win too.  All of which is really not nice of me either way.  I really need to focus on positive goals and new activities.  I really need to see the small steps of regaining financial solvency as positive and instead, it seems like such a long road and so difficult to face, it is easy to fall back into the pity pot of self doubt and shame, etc.  So, I am really trying to go one day at a time here.  The bf dangled a bit of promise like what else would I like to do, but then tried guilt, not sure where he will go but he will be out of here.  Then went to blaming me again, but I am holding strong, if he needed a week or two more to gather funds to move, then that is fine, as we have gambled together, but the bottom line is I need to regain my sanity and have some serenity in my home.  I am gathering strength from all these conversations as well.
God bless each of you and hope to see ya on chat and have a gf day.

[vera]

Hi Diva!
Having a list of reasons why you cannot and should not gamble sounds great. I had lots of lists. Making it IMPOSSIBLE to tear up those lists and changing your resolve is even better still. Like having NO money available. Like planning every minute of your time. Like packing the bags of the b/f who seems to be your biggest trigger….
strange the way everything changes when "I" change..
Don’t look back. Don’t look forward. Try to focus on today. It’s all we have Diva!
Hope springs eternal!

[pp]

Hi Diva
Good job on taking this step to help yourself.. the group chat is pretty good.  Has helped me many *****, just dont give up, keep going
 

[diva1945]

Thanks for all the support.  I really have had a lot happen in just a week.  Stayed GF!!!!! Had a lot of conversations with some close friends and supportive 12 step folks.  Prayed.  The BF states I have ruined the relationship, shares no responsibility even for his gambling and yet wanted to continue to stay with me until he got his money together, but after several days of constant berating me, I finally found my boundary.  I drove him to his brothers to stay and felt it is time to stop this codependent negative situation.  He is not a bad person and neither am I, but together we will not enhance each other.  I need to focus on recovery and positive changes.  I cannot do that if I do not seek positive change.  The ban, and the bf gone feels right.  I am beginning a 12 step class at my church for recovery and going to GA  Got the list ready, for when this euphoria ebbs….. colored my hair… baked a pie….the sun is shining…..good golly, it is a good gf day!!!! One day at a time.

[p]

Hey Diva sounds good… good you have the courage to make the changes necessary.  Nice on the hair colour, the pie, the little things in life certainly shine when we are gamble free, way to go..
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

HI Diva, you really have had alot going on this week.  You have made alot of positive choices, way to go!!!! Stay strong!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[diva1945]

Thanks to Lizbeth and P and everyone.  If I couldn’t journal here, I don’t think I could have gotten through these last few days.  I think writing it down and seeing feedback really makes my thoughts and feelings and goals real.  As I go back through, I can see how I am doing too.  Today is Sunday and the first weekend for a very long time that I have gone through without going to casino.  I am filling up my time going to meet a friend and go to church, going to see my daughter and precious 5 month old grandson who is currently working on his top two teeth showing up, and then to a 12 step meeting tonight.  Today I am smiling for the first time as I wake up.  I am looking forward to the work I have to do to change myself, I have hope.  It is all to do with the unconditional love I have felt from everyone on this forum site all around the world.  I am humbled by the kindness shown and the honesty I have heard on group site when chatting.  I am thinking this collective love is a force to be reckoned with and is making so much difference.  I know if I do not gamble, I will not hit the severe lows I have felt in the last couple months.  I know the addiction will try to take me back when I least expect it, but knowing this is here and I have the ban in place and goals in place, I have some hope now, I can succeed.
Hope, faith and courage to everyone todayif you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right

[Author]

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