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I used to be strong and independent.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I’ve gambled since I was 18 but it’s always been a little here and a little there….until this past year.
I was at a casino one early morning and hit a decent win, I think it was $2000. I was on a high from that feeling and wanted more…the usual right?
I kept going back. And playing. And I’d win here and there and lose here and there. I started chasing and spending more and more. Eventually, one day, I was there for hours. I had my paycheck when I walked in . I had $5 when I walked out. No bills paid. No money for two weeks.
Payday loans started. First one, then another. Bills piled up. I had to close my checking account because they payday loans were taking everything.
I still keep playing. I still keep chasing.
I’d get up a bit and spend it all back. Hiding what was going on from everyone. Telling friends that times were just tough. Using the payday loans as an excuse as to why I had to borrow money again and again from friends and family.
I finally had to tell my best friend and my daughter. I finally reached the point where there was nothing left.
I was ok for a little while.
And now, now I sit here the day after payday with nothing again. My rent is behind and I have until Wednesday to catch up. I called off work last night. I drove around wanting to just end things. I finally ended up at my best friend’s who just held me. He doesn’t know what else to do any more than I do.
This is rambling. I’m sorry. I found this site by accident and I just need help. I’m hoping to read and learn and at least I know I’m not alone anymore.
I just don’t know what to do from here. I’m scared. -
Terrible how this addiction makes us feel. I did things i wouldn’t have dreamed of. Make this your rock bottom Lilo. Read other people’s threads on this site, join the chats, talk to the help desk when they are open. Is there GA meetings in your area? Helplines? Free counseling? As far as your financial situation, I don’t have an answer for you. I’ve gone and borrowed money to fix my problems only to gamble that money too! Maybe your friend can help by holding money for you. I can tell you that you are not alone with this problem. And things can be turned around. We don’t have to feel like ending it all. We can feel like living again.
take care,
Laura -
Well done on coming for help its a huge step and a breathrough toward your recovery.. all that Laura said above is great advice, GA meetings, counselling.. Are you able to get your best friend to help control your finances, or your daughter etc..
Also the option of banning from where you gamble ..
You’ve made the first step. No matter how many attempts it takes.. keep trying. Try the chat groups, it is really helpful to talk it through when you get an urge and great to have some recovery friends. The best person to help you is you but you need support. and no one is better at helping another cg than a recovering cg..
All the best and keep postingP
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Good job on seeking advise and help. We all come to the same conclusion after many years of gambling and it sounds like you might be finally there… I also took those drives… I can empathize with what you are feeling. It’s scary and seems impossible. It seems easier than living.
But it’s not. Living/life is an amazing journey. This is just one story on your journey of many stories. But you do need to let go of it. The money is gone. The time is gone. But all you have to do is stop gambling and things will get better. Usually gamblers need to turn over all finances to a close someone that they can trust. Get gamble blocks in place at local casinos and online. You can purchase them and install on all devises. You will need some support that understands you.
You are currently caught in the fog of gambling. Everyones fog is at a relative thickness to them and there situation. Some fogs can take longer than others to clear. But once out of the that fog things will get clearer for you. But you can’t get there unless you stop and let it go.
Keep posting and let me know if I can ever help.
Jon -
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I am thrilled to see your post and it is good to see you taking baby steps. No money = no gambling! I think there are cards you can buy that will allow you to buy things but not get cash off of them. Maybe you get a small amount loaded on a card or a small amount of cash for necessities. We have to know that we are NOT to be trusted when it comes to money. We steal from ourselves and our families in what we deprive them of. Handing over your debit card is a great start. Lock up your money as tight as you can.
We need to put as much effort into rescuing ourselves as we did into gambling. You can do this. Just keep doing the next right thing. It is probably something I’ve read in the GA material. Going to a meeting is a great idea. Give them a chance, find one that fits you. Insight and wisdom can be found in those rooms.
Right now you most likely need that job and the benefits they are providing. It may not be a trigger right now (and we could probably debate that) as you are gambling, but once you stop it may make it difficult to remain stopped. But again, baby steps, you will work it out. Can’t tackle it all at once.
Keep posting, we are here to support each other through this most difficult addiction. Well done in facing this.
Laura -
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I feel your pain. I think we need to stop being so occupied with money and bills and the stress of how to survive the month with little money.
if we only concentrate on shelter and food, I think we would be a lot better off.
I know the feeling of having little gas, it’s devastating. Maybe there’s someone who can help you fuel up?
Hang in there
Dave
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Good to hear you’ve made it on the gas.
Good thing you’re going to the gym, it can help a lot. Too bad I just lost the discipline to go to the gym and haven’t been there in 2 years, while I do pay for it, stupid me.
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Hey Lilo,
first thing we have to do is stop the bleeding. How can you prevent yourself from spending bill money again? If you can stop the loss of money that should be going other places then eventually you will be able to pull yourself out. What kind of barriers can you put in place? Will you have money left off your cheque that should go for gas and food? Would your friend come with you while you put gas in your tank and do a quick order of groceries? We have to put effort into breaking the cycle. Counseling or GA? Please get some support. Counseling may help you work through your relationship issues. Hope you keep posting Lilo! Take care -
Hello,
If you love this guy and he can be trusted I say that you turn over all finances to him for at least a few months. Give him all cards. Get a joint checking account. He gets all money, work money, etc. he can then give you a card from the joint account that he can then transfer roughly $30-50 a day as needed for you to get by day to day. He will pay all bills for you. You just get a very small allowance from him. Anytime you need a little extra you need to explain what for and show the receipt. I know it sounds a bit maddening but I’m telling you it’s a good way to just have no access to gambling. Once you do that for a couple months you’ll probably be out of the fog and be able to see things more clearer… Sounds like you are making great progress. Way to go. WOOOT! -
Hi Lilo,
How are you doing? Johny is right, It’s the only solution and it’s frustrating as ****. But when time passes it will be all better, I assume. I still have to experience it.
Keep posting
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Hi Lilo, I’m glad that you are here. Please put all barriers in place that you can. Try to have limited contact with money. We continue to chase the win and dig a deeper hole for ourselves. There are companies that will consolidate your payday loans, stop the interest. It makes it a lot easier to pay off. You can go online to find them. It is possible to get out of debt and become current on your bills. I know the money stress triggers the gambling urges but then it just becomes a vicious cycle. Keep strong. Maybe you can find a GA meeting or counselor to talk to. We all have things we need to work out. Keep posting.
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Hey Lilo,
hopefully they will be patient with you a little bit longer. At least you had the money to fix the jeep! Here’s hoping the gym is open and you get to blow off some steam. Were you able to look the suggestions Liz made about the pay day loans? Hang in there, we didn’t make the mess in a day and it won’t be cleaned up in a day. Frustrating but we need to learn a little patience. take care,
Laura
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