[gunner27]

Trying to beat gambling addiction can be lonely and so painful but especially when we keep repeating the same mistakes.
I closed my last journal because I felt there was no point in knocking my head against the same brick wall every time, my thinking went something like this: I KNOW that I mustnt gamble and yet I still choose to gamble, then no amount of reflection on here is going to change anything by now. I am back at rock bottom but with less fight in me and less options, less income, less friends, less sleep, less life, even less self-respect if that is possible, the only thing I have more of is worries, big worries, about money and the helplessness of the addiction. If there was a button which you can press and everything just ceased to exist, well I feel pretty close to wanting to press that button. I am trapped in some new self-pity stage of the gambling cycle that is worse than anything because I dont even feel like climbing out of the hole this time; I give up. Wow, another low-point in my life. That was about 13 days ago. Things arent exactly much better than that now but just recently I have read a couple of things on here which have given me a little hope. One of these is from WhyOhWhy’s journal (I think), where he/she talks about the same pattern of pain: losing lots of money, feeling terrible, having to count every penny, gradually rebuilding finances, then forgetting the pain, and then ‘reoffending’ within three four months; all pretty much like clockwork and a truly depressing cycle. So where is the hope in that, we all seem to have variations of this problem?
Well, the hope to me is realising that Compulsive Gambling is a much more complicated disease than even I ever imagined. I believe the biggest part of the disease isnt the compulsiveness, bad as that is, but the disease’s ability to make us forget, make us forget that however badly we want to gamble, however bad the urges get, the truth is that each time we gamble we are enlarging the disease, making it even easier to forget next time, and therefore making it even easier to gamble again. Many of us here realise this is a progressive disease, both in the frequency of gambling and the increasing of the stakes, so to me it is now about remembering that this disease will, in time, make me forget the pain, however much I try to remember it. And that is all I am working on now, remembering that the disease woll make me forget. And that means next time I think it might be ok to gamble, I have to tell my wife and friends and everyone, and especially I have to tell this journal, so that everyone here can remind me what the disease has made me forget.
Lastly: I’m not afraid any more to say the ‘luck’ word. So I wish you all good luck with your own battles, and I look forward to spending more time with everyone on here again. Jim

[desdemona]

Hi Jim! Sounds like you’re going to have some real accountability with a joint account with your spouse. That is a huge financial barrier you have put in. Way to go on your clean time! If you haven’t been able to tell your wife about the extent of your gambling debts, how are you going to be able to pay them off, without her knowing about it? My husband knows I have a gambling addiction but I have never told him how much money I gambled away over the years. It would have served no purpose and I would have paid for it by being bullied for many years. Everybody has to do what they feel is best for them I believe. Carole 

[gunner27]

Thanks Carole, I agree. I have always kept my finances vague with my wife (and indeed she with me, we are fairly independent like that), but basically I have a two part plan to solve the debt issue without her having to know, whilst protecting myself from temptation, too detailed to go into but is should work out ok. I know some people here disagree with not sharing everything with our spouses but I honestly dont see the benefit in depressing my wife further and risking the worst, I just dont. She knows I have had an extremely serious problem and she has probably lost some trust and respect for me already, so I dont feel the need to futher upset her now that I am finally becoming fully accountable.
Separately while looking for a pro-active group against soft gambling legislation etc I have come across GRASP, Gambling Reform And Society Perception, they are UK-based, seem very articulate and have a good agenda for fighting the proliferation of the gambling machinery, so I have joined up, has anyone else heard of them?

[Anonymous]

hi jim, read your last post, and what you said about not upseting wife further, i know having done it in the past,trying to sheild her from more hurt,will only lead to ant trust she has left,being gone compleatly should she find out.HONESTY will prevail, secrets are things of the past,
best wishes jim, bonkersOnwards and upwards

[sadbuttrue]

Hey Jim, Man I like your plan. You are an articulate and perceptive person. Now is the time to put those plans into place and it sounds like you have started with a flurry. I particularly like point 6. because helping others will be soooooo rewarding and the bonus will be it will help you with your own recovery. I have thought about doing something like that as well because let’s face it a gambler knows a gambler. The one thing that has stopped me is I am worried about people at work finding out that I am a recovering gambler. Maybe as time goes on and the pain lessens I will not feel so ashamed and won’t mind who knows my story. Anyway, I respect you for starting this chapter of your life. Good job. Cheers Sadbuttrue

[Anonymous]

 
Hey up Jim, I’ve been reading your thread the last couple of weeks and really just havn’t had enough time to post on it.
It will be of no surprise to you that I am one of those that dis-agree with you not sharing everything with your wife, at one time I probably would have thought it the best way forward. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years, changed for the better according to those I know well.
As Carole says how will you be able to pay off the debt without your wife knowing? If she is giving you an allowance and some of it disappears on a regular basis to your debt how will you explain that? Maybe she wont ask but then isn’t it the case that you will still be being deceitful?
I understand that you risk losing your relationship by telling her the truth but in all honesty you just don’t know what will happen. It just isn’t fair to her and I think its quite selfish mate.
I know that in my case I had to tell the truth to my Mam in February; as you know I had been gambling since October, in January I concoted a story and took advantage of my recently widowed mother by telling her I had had an accident at work and was facing the sack, to cut a long and repeated story short I told her that if I could borrow £1000 to pay for the damage to the other car I could avoid the sack. I got the money, in the bank at 11am, skint by 2pm. The following month when I was up home for my Grandsons birthday I again **** and “borrowed” another £300.
All the options were going through my head;  I could say nothing and continue on this devious and disgusting route, tell her I’d gambled the £300 and not to lend me any more, or tell her the whole truth.
Now Mums and wives are different but they are the same in the respect that as family of CG’s they get **** to time and time again when enablement is sought. I knew there was a great chance that telling my Mam could have real and serious consequences on her health, especially as she was of the opinion that I hadn’t gambled for 11 months. But I also knew that if I hadn’t have told her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth there was a very real chance that I would be back gambling again, probably escaping from the guilt.
I remember a conversation I must have previousley of had countless ***** with her when I have been trying to get into recovery when she told me that only being told half a story was as hurtful as actually gambling, why only tell her half a story. The answer was because she reacted so badly when only being told the tip of the iceberg, I felt like I was protecting her from further hurt by not continuing. Eg I may have said I owe this loan shark £3000 and it might have shocked her and made her physically sick and I quickly decided not to tell her that I’d sold the works van and had ****** my mates credit card and was facing jail. (again).
This time though Jim I decided that instead of being selfish I just had to tell her the truth, she deserves the truth, she is someone I love and someone who loves me and dosnt deserve the merry dance my gambling has lead her for 30 years, she certainly dosnt deserve to be **** to she deserves the best, she deserves honesty.
I havnt gambled since the day I told her the truth, I havnt told her a single *** either. I never have to cover up or be deceitful.
Sure that’s my Mam and not my wife, your wife might leave you, that’s not the price you pay for telling the truth mate, that might be the price you pay for gambling. I very much doubt it though mate. By being so honest, maybe she’ll see that you really are serious this time, that you are changing, and of course then you have no need to be deceitful.
I hope that you will at least re-consider telling her mate, if not for your sake for hers.
I’m not judging you Jim, we all have to do this our own way, you are a bright and clever chap. Its great that you want to get involved with GRASP, but honestly would you ever encourage any gambler to hide the truth from their other half?
(K9 dosnt allow me to view GRASP, its catorgrised as gambling).
It seems like you’ve made your mind up though Jim, I wont elaborate any further except to say that for the last 25 to 30 years you’ve made your own mind up. Larry hasn’t gambled for nearly 3 years, Velvet knows recovery better than most people I have ever encountered maybe you should heed what these clear headed people are saying.
Sorry Jim I didn’t mean to go on so much, infact I wanted to post about the rest of your thread and say that your plans look great, (with the exception of the above),the joint bank account is splendid, but as usual I got a bee in my bonnet. (I don’t make many friends on this forum these days do I, with my bonnet full of bees), but I’m up at 4.30 every day until the Olympics are over and its too late for me to re-write this post.
Take care mate, I hope you know I only ever mean well, even though I very often feel my posts fall on deaf ears.
Geordie.Living a life instead of living a ***…..Recovery is priceless.

[trulyshi]

Just a short note from me, Jim.  If my partner told me he had gambled again and incurred alot of debt I’m not sure what I would do, I guess I would know at that time.  However, I can tell you what I would do if I found out down the road that my partner had withheld that information from me and I found out through other means – I would leave him.  I would consider that a definite breach of trust and could never trust him again.  I would constantly wonder what else he had withheld or **** to me about.  A partnership is just that – the good with the bad.  Debbie

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