[doppie]

I like to see the positive side of things.

 

When I was asked by my room mates to join them for a night to the casino, I denied. Why would I want to give away money to a casino, what is fun about that.

I had little money, as I was following a bachelor computer science, and already spend quite some money on expensive geek gadgets.

 

The next time they went, I got invited again – ah just one beer, bring 10 euro, it will be fun they said. – So I caved, and joined them.  My first time in a casino, it was fun, not because of gambling, but because of the people around me. I didn’t play much nor did I win or lose.

One of my roommates won 120 euro, and he bought us 46 chickenwings. We brought them home, tried to finish all 46 chickenwings (and failed), drank beer and played Risk that night. 

 

A few weeks, or months later we went again, this time I actually won some money. Again we had beers, chickenwings and a lot of fun. I asked my friend to go to the casino with me. I started to enjoy the gambling more, the winning gave me a rush and a good feeling. At the time of my 19th birthday, I went to the casino with my friends. My birthday is on the 17th so I put 5 euros on 17 with roulette. OMG I actually won. 

 

The visits then became more regular, and one night it seemed like the roulette machine was totally broken. I turned 50 euro into 2600. AMAZING. Or was it?

 

Of course I had to go back to the casino the week after and win some more  I lost 700 euro in one night. BAM. Smack in the face.

 

I did return a few more times after that and of course I lost. I decided it was time for a break, I did not go to the casino for a month or two.

 

Good move right? Well, this is when I should’ve realised that I might have turned into the right path. I somehow found a website where I could gamble. 20 euro deposits turned into 100 euro deposits. DAMN. I was getting into money trouble. 

 

I guess at this time I was already in too deep. The money was flowing out, and I won sometimes, but it was never enough. HELP.

 

As a student you usually have little money, but I had a student loan. It covered my gambling problem as it provided me with extra money, next to my parttime job. 

 

At this time I was doing several types of gambling: slots, roulette, lotteries and sportbooks. I started to realise I had a real problem and I needed to stop gambling. Blocking accounts at websites would help for a few days, but there is always another website available to play at. The sportbooks and lotteries were also in physical stores which made it hard to block this for me. 

 

I was going through a hard time. Losing all my money on the first few days of the months. I had to loan some money from my parents a few times, I told them that I needed to buy some school books for example, but honestly it was to buy food because I had gambled all my money away. DISGUSTING.

 

To help me through the hard times, and stay positive, I tried to focus on being successful in other things. My study computer science did not really work out yet. I wasn’t some kind of genius programming kid. Honestly I was probably behind pretty far. But I couldn’t give up because of the educational system we have. If I would, I would’ve had an extra 40k debt.

 

I decided that I would need something to bite my teeth into, something that could help me with my bachelor. Apps. I got an introduction course into programming apps during college. THE DREAM. 

 

I got obsessed with becoming successful, so that the people around me would look up to me and have a reason to be proud of me. To be acknowledged. I spend most of my free time into learning how to write apps. I got good at writing apps, really good even. 

 

My main source of income was about to drop. The local supermarket where I worked would not give me a permanent contract after 3 years, so my time there was about to end. I needed a job, I already had a huge student debt. WHAT TO DO!?

 

My app business actually started to take off. I had an app that gave me some advertisement income. This success gave me enough confidence to try and get a job as an app developer. I had two job interviews, both companies wanted to have me. WOW. I was so proud.

 

Now I worked for three days a week, aside from my study. Oh and did I mention that I also had a freelance job? I had money again, no time to spend it and my problems seemed gone. That was just an illusion. While I was able to become what is defined – by our society – as successful, I still wasn’t able to cope with my gambling problem.  

 

The stress from work and my study didn’t really help me to deal with the gambling problem either. I guess it brought me dangerously close to a burnout. Eventually I was able to finally finish my bachelor. 

 

Several years have passed. I like to see the positive side of things. Eventhough my gambling problem has given me huge problems and challenges, at the end of the road not everything is negative. I feel confident to say that without my gambling problem I would have never gotten where I am now. It has forced me to continue working when most people would’ve stopped. It has taught me how to be creative, persuasive and grown up. I am just 24 years with a whole life ahead of me. Yesterday’s mistakes are todays lessons. 

 

 Jelle

 

   

 

[doppie]

Thank you for your kind words. No I don’t look at gambling as a positive thing. Honestly it is more likely to ruin everything that I built up if I can’t manage to stop.

I was trying to write my story out, and also put sone willpower in it so that I could grab myself together and say to myself: I DONT WANT THIS IN MY LIFE.

Sorry if my message read it like the outcome is positive.

The truth is, I have managed to stop for a few months already a few tines. Yet I always relapse. Currently I have a huge debt, and it makes me feel depressed to see this is the result of my own mistakes.

[velvet]

Hello Doppie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[doppie]

Thank you, and it is nice to see that we’re not alone in this mess. This addiction does not only take your money, it takes your pride, self-confidence and for me personally it makes me numb. I realised about 2 years ago, when I had professional addiction therapy that I didn’t like the person I became. A workaholic, trying to get acknowledged for his achievements, isolated and forgetting about the things that are most important in life: sharing moments with people you love. 

I still am proud of my achievements, I should be, it keeps me going, but I tried to listen more to myself: what do I actually want in this life? I still haven’t found the answer, but atleast I learned what I do not want to be. 

Looking back on this, I realise that I have lost my focus (again), the gambling doesn’t bring me joy, doesn’t bring me closer to people, it just puts me back to my old habits, the me that I already realised I don’t want to be.

My biggest barriers are the people I love, I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t want to lie to them. But also for myself, I don’t want to be in this rollercoaster of stress and uncertainty anymore. Thank you for making me think of this, I should think about this more to see what I can do to help myself.

It is nice to be able to relate to someone, did you find some good barriers for yourself? And how is it going so far, are the urges strong? For me I usually don’t have that much urges, I have been able to fill up my life already with more positive events and activities outside of gambling. Around paydays I get a lot of urges usually, thinking about what I can do with the money, and I am not able to use my barriers properly. 

Thanks again for your time and interest. It feels really good to have someone out there that can relate – it is very hard to talk to people in my surroundings – not that they are not open to talk about it but because they don’t seem to understand what a gambling addiction is and it usually just makes me feel more sick and insecure talking about it.

 

[Author]

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