[Mtap]

I’ve been gambling online for about a year now. Roulette is my game, my first time winning I put $100 in and turned it into $5000. I never took that out and lost it all but i was convinced I could get back to that. The next time I tried I got up and up big, I won close to 20K and felt so invincible that I’d never lose this. I was wrong, that was the first time I ever felt the uncontrolled tilt of going on a full fledge losing streak. That 20K all gone. It was as if my mind never even cared what I could do with that money in real life. My desire for more and keeping that overhead outweighed my normal functioning side shouting to pull out.

The literal next day I put $500 in and no lie got up to 20k again. Same story no difference here. Thought I’d never lose it again but yet that wasn’t true. Lost it all from full tilt. After that I hit rock bottom, I lost and lost to try and get back to where I was, took money out of my 401k even took a loan of 5k only to piss it all away. My bank account hit $100 and for the first time ever I wasn’t able to make it through the week. I hit the lowest point. Going week by week scrounging. Clinging to my work paycheck every time I got it but the debt and bills I wrecked up eliminated my paychecks. I had no choice but to stop for about 6 months. Until i was able to buy myself a dinner again. It was then when I got the urge and breathing room to try again. I recently put $200 in seeing what I could do and the outcome shook me. I went slower this time and paced myself. Withdrew little out here and there nothing huge though. Eventually I hit 40k. I remember the feeling I had when I hit it. Joy excitement, then just as fast as all that excitement came it turned to a cold numb feeling. I wanted 50. Throwing 5k on every spin I couldn’t control myself. The speed I was playing was so uncontrollable that when I began to lose 2 in a row, my mind just shut down and took over. The tilt I experienced cannot be explained. It was as if I had zero care in the world. There wa son thought. There was no reality that I could have had 40 thousand dollars. No care for what I could have done with that. I still cannot understand why I didn’t take at least even 20 out. I fee so sick to my stomach at why I couldn’t recognize the reality. I’m sitting here wanting to try again. It’s amazing how when it’s all over, when you’re on the outside of it all is when you understand how much you could have had. The sane person in you comes back when it’s all gone saying what the hell did you do?? I thought I could control it but I couldn’t. I can’t. I lost it all again.

[Rdy4Chng]

I understand your pain. There were times at the casino when I would win $5000 and still leave with nothing. There were many times I would be down $1000, win it back only to lose it and withdraw another $1000 – losing that too.
It is an awful addiction and I actually think gambling should be illegal.
I am still in recovery and I do not know the answers. All I know is we are not alone in this. Everyone here has the same story and as someone once said we all have the same outcome – LOSS.
I have said before I am a really rational person but when it comes to gambling I am completely irrational. I don’t understand how it gets its claws into us but somehow it does.
Best wishes to you in your recovery. Stopping is easy. Staying stopped is the trick.

[Mtap]

Thanks. its nice to know there are other people out there feeling the same pain. I cannot go anywhere else and tell them this because of the embarrassment I feel. What really resongnated me from what you said is the irrationalism. I too  a very level headed smart decision making person. I read things from a far and take To heart other people’s stories (and learn from it). But this is different. I cannot rationalize this. It’s a disgusting sickness that I finally realized I cannot control. I just want to get back to that being up feeling. Knowing I can pay everything off and then the thinking of making more for my future. the worst thing that ever happened to me was getting up the first time. it made me thing as a rational person that “oh I can just get up again Because it’s so easy and then pull out my loses to make up for it… then win as i go”. It’s disgusting because I cannot stop. I will make what back in my mind when I’m sober enough to pay off everything and even more, but it doesnt stop me. I keep going. and that’s the problem. I get that taste of satisfaction that it makes me want to do it again. It makes me put my hard earned savings into the plug because I tasted victory before. But in reality and thing on the outside consciously, it’s uncontrollable. It doesn’t matter how much I get up. I’ll never stop. I can’t stop. That’s my struggle right now. I want to put more on to get back to where I was. And that’s where im at right now. I felt rock bottom because of the gambling but I can’t stop. That’s where I’m at. 

[Steev]

Hi Mtap, you said, “I cannot go anywhere else and tell them this because of the embarrassment I feel.”

So, first of all, well done on talking to us about your situation.

It took me a while to realise that the way out of this mess is to talk to people. I started with a self-help group who suggested I talk to Gamblers’ Anonymous. After a while I talked to counsellors about it – and now I will talk to anyone who is interested. The more I talk about my gambling, the less likely I am to gamble again.

If you are reading the posts in this forum, you know the things to do are 1) lose access to gambling places, 2) lose access to money, 3) find new things (non gambling) to spend your leisure time on and 4) get good support for yourself.

So talk to someone in your area – put these other things in place and keep talking here so that we can see your progress. I wish you well.

[Quitting4ever121]

Mtap I understand everything you are talking about in your story about your gambling because I’m the same way. Each time I would go to the casino thinking about how when I would get a certain amount ahead I would leave but I never left when I was ahead and I would always want more and I would always Chase a loss. This year I have decided to quit gambling completely and I work in a casino around gambling 5 days a week but I’m asking for help from my friends who know I have a gambling problem. I wish I could say I can stop forever but I’m going to try this now and last Thursday I went to a GA meeting but it wasn’t the first time I tried quitting gambling because years before I had tried and ended up going back to it. I hope someday you will be able to give it up but only when you are ready because I know no one can tell a gambler to stop gambling only the gambler can decide that for themselves.

[markharmon]

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