[colleenp51]

As some of you have read, I have been gamble free for over 5 months now.  I am proud of this time and feel good about my recovery.  The hardest part is dealing with the amount of guilt on the amount of pain I have caused so many for over 10 years.  When you are gambling you don’t give a damn about anyone or how you hurt them.  You are constantly looking for money to go back out and gamble again.  When the fog starts to lift and you aren’t out there in the middle of all that craziness, you are left with the pain of how to deal with the burden of what you have done to yourself and to others.
I am haunted by the lies, deception, manipulation and dishonesty of what I did for so long.  I find it hard to sleep at night thinking about friends I have lost, people who no longer trust me and most importantly how I have destroyed my life in the process both financially and morally.  I have been unemployed since August and unable to find a job.  I keep thinking to myself that God is punishing me for all of the wrongs that I have done and I worry that my life will not get sorted.  As proud as I am of my gamble free time, I can’t seem to move forward with all the damage that I have done.  I keep thinking that my getting a job and paying back all of the debts that I owe to people I borrowed money from would start to make me feel better in that area.  I think if I could actually start paying someone back  instead of throwing it down a rat hole machine would make a huge difference.
I was great at my job before being fired over using a company credit card to buy groceries for my kids – I lost a job that I loved and was making a six figure income.  I  am now out there with everyone else who is working hard to find a job to put food on the table at a fraction of what I was making.  I took everything I had for granted for so long – I am incredibly humbled by what I am going through.  I am ashamed of all that I have done – sometimes the huge hole of all the things that I have done wrong makes me wonder if I will ever be truly rid of this albatross of gambling.
Any thoughts from someone who has been gamble free for awhile would be great – it would be great to hear from any of you who share the same burden of guilt and shame.  I hope that things will get better in that area and I am working very hard to change my life.  I know one thing – I do not have the desire to go out and blow myself up anymore – I don’t want to take that drive of shame from the Casino where I want to drive off of a bridge.  The fact that I am not doing that makes me happy and hopeful for a better life.
To all of my fellows out there – I wish you all the best in your recovery – keep writing!
ColleenThere is nothing that has been done that cannot be undone if you believe you can do it!

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