[lostsoul44]

Never thought I had a gambling problem, probably never really wanted to admit it. I don’t even know where to start my story. It is such a long story spanning some 20 years. Yes in short its feels like I’ve wasted some good 20yrs of my life going on this roller coaster ride. Not sure how I lasted this long. Of course there were the great days and the downright awful days of misery. Its weird but somehow gambling made me feel like I’m alive. Is like this repeated pattern of self destruction. I work, saved, gambled. Never really borrowed money, which is the good thing. Felt dead all those years, especially the 15 years when I was married. Eventually we spilt when he had an affair. I’ve come to a point where I’m asking myself what the hell am I doing, I feel miserable, stupid and life feels empty and meaningless. I know I can never turn back the clock, can never get back the losses, huge massive sum. But I keep thinking about it and I can’t get over it. 20yrs! What would life be, had I made different choices? Today, reality hit me hard. How did it become like this? No one in the family knows. I can’t tell anyone, everyone thinks my life is super great but the truth is it isn’t. I’m also jobless now, quit my job 2yrs ago and told no one. How do I forget about this pain and stupidity and carry on with life? I feel so shameful of my foolishness. When I look in the mirror, I wonder who this person is. How did my life become like this? How do I forget and just move on? Can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[joerdj]

Great for seeking support here. Admitting you have a problem to yourself is a great first step. Now my next advice would be to tell your family members.

“You are only as sick as your secrets” springs to mind.

There are three things that keeps you into gambling.
1. Money
2. Access
3. Time

Take away one of these and gambling becomes difficult. Take away two and becomes even harder. Take away all three and it is impossible.

Regarding what would life be if I had not gambled. Well that’s an easy one. You don’t know, and you will never find out. It is out of your control now. The future is the only thing you will be able to change.

Why forget the pain and stupidity? These are valuable lesson in life and we should learn from them. This doesn’t mean you should suffer indefinitely from your actions.
But John Wick springs to mind : “Every action has consequences” and we should face them, not run from them.

Keep strong and keep posting

[lostsoul44]

Thanks for replying, Joedj. Your comments made me realised how isolated and alone I am sometimes. I’m not particularly close with any family members and they all live pretty far away from me. There is no family member I can confide in without making myself feel even worse about the situation. No one will understand or be supportive, probably will only criticise my folly and despise me. I come from a family of achievers. The pressure is quite real. I can feel that even the divorcees like myself (now) are looked down on. My family is quite traditional and have expectations. Even though nowadays its such a common thing. So very sad, isn’t it?

I’ve been reading up on CG. Frightens me to know that I really may be a CG. Or am I not? I’ve probably not reached a level of destitution yet but its bad enough. I think its this sudden realisation that I’ve been going on a vicious cycle for 20 yrs. Started small of course and then got worse and worse. A part of me still wants to chase losses even though I know its stupid to do so. How is it that we know that its wrong and bad and yet still want to keep doing it? Is there hope for me? I’m still trying to process your pointers and figure out how to do so. Thanks for your tips on how to curb the addiction. Appreciate it very much. Don’t know your story but I pray you are doing well too.

[Monica1]

Yes, from what you describe you are a CG or a problem gambler. However, that is not who you are, it is a destructive behaviour we all took on for whatever reason, and you know, you can emerge from it a better person. Recovery is possible. I think all CGs understand isolation and loneliness as we all have the propensity to isolate ourselves. If you cannot tell your family how about joining us in the group chats we have every evening or join charles new members groups on a Monday and Thursday evening. You would be Most welcome and it is a supportive group. One thing we all know is that we cannot beat this addiction alone and I would recommend getting counselling support to help support you and understand the triggers and reasons why you gambled so compulsively in the first place. There are always underlying reasons.
Some of us have done the gma women’s programme which we all found helpful and remain gambling free, for me 2 years and eight months. It is possible to break even the worst gambling habit. First, we have to accept that we are powerless over gambling, once we accept that then we can make the moves to stop and recover. Keep posting and I hope to see you in the chat some time.

[joerdj]

How is it that we know that its wrong and bad and yet still want to keep doing it?

Addiction is what it is called. 

I found this an intresting ted talk. Very informative how dopamine works, and you will see soon enough how this relates to gambling : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqXmOb_fuN4

[Jp515]

I’m new to this board and want to thank everyone for their honesty and willingness to share. My problem like most grew from what I thought was an innocent 5 dollar bet to playing 250 dollar blackjack hands. As my winnings grew so did my greed. And what goes up must come down – so, as everyone here knows I started to chase. I watched over 11k fade away in a matter of hours. I started to throw good money after bad and finally stopped at my break even point. I know, I’m lucky to have only lose my winnings and not go negative into the hole. I was devastated and for the past week I tried to turn back time and played the “what if game” – I’m scared and shocked on how quick the evil of gambling took over my mind. I opened up to my wife and told her about the last few months of lies and decent – I feel this is a positive step and she is now going to hold me accountable. I know it’s hard to remove the thoughts and fight the urges but no matter when you decide to fight this evil enemy you can’t look back. What is gone is gone. Yes, we all make mistakes – it is human nature but I encourage you to stop blaming yourself over and over as all that will do is lower your self-esteem and drag you further into regret. You CAN’T move forward looking back. There are programs and organizations that can help you refocus and start over – again it’s never TOO late to be the person you WANT to be!

[Author]

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