[markf]

With forgiveness being next Friday’s topic, it has got me thinking again about my own issues and how important forgiveness is.
If I really think back over all my years of gambling and think of al those people that have been affected, its quite scary to actually appreciate how just how many people I have hurt.
Instantly I can think of, all my immediate family, 3 girl friends, my ex wife, in-laws, many good friends, Work Managers and im sure there are lots more!
I was going to include my daughter in that list but she has only just turned 2 and will not have been hurt by my actions yet!
I have spent so much of the last year thinking about everyone above and what I can do to make amends and sadly there nothing that will ever make up for my past. From that point of view I dont seek forgiveness from anyone at all except myself. However I think it is very important for those that have been affected to be able to forgive. Not for me but for themselves as without forgiveness, bitterness and resentment can take over and that can hold you back.
The real issue I have is how do I ever forgive myself? When I first got to GH, someone told me that as an addict you have no control over your actions and therefore you have to find a way to forgive yourself. Whilst in basic principal I agree, if someone goes out and get horribly drunk, causes a fight and seriously hurts someone, just because they were drunk and not in control doesnt make them not culpable!
The fact is the only person to blame for my actions is me. I was the one that initially became an addict and I was the one that wreaked havoc though the lives of so many with all my lies, cheating and stealing.
I have been clean from gambling for about a year now. I am living an honest life, I am working, paying my bills, fighting for my daughter, building bridges with my family and can put my hand on my heart and say I am doing everything in my power to sort my self out. I go to bed every night knowing that and wake up every morning in a relatively calm state without having to panic about my life. For the time being I am in control of everything I can be but it doesn’t change the anger I have for myself. It doesn’t change the regret that I will live with for ever more.
I just hope that in time as my recovery progresses so will my view of myself. I spent the last 10 years of my gambling life hating myself to the extent that I tried to kill myself and I dont want to spent the next 10 gamble FREE years hating myself!
Anyway not sure how much sense I am making so I will sign off for now.
Love to all
Mark

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