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My first post here. I’m a compulsive gambler (mostly online) and I’m so tired of the roller coaster. It’s been a few days since I’ve gambled, but my paycheck is supposed to come into the bank either tonight or tomorrow night and so, well you know. I have a tab open on my computer to purchase a blocking software. (A good step) but of course my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me that I should deposit one last time and have a go at it. (Like it would really bring me a different outcome, ha). I know I’m lying to myself, and even if I were to win, I would spin it all back. I’ve been so low so many times, I’ve considered suicide, but the thought of hurting the people who love me in that way stops me, but sometimes the pain and self hate is so terrible and the hopelessness of feeling that I will never get out from under it that I just don’t want to be here. I’m a middle aged woman who is taking care of my adult disabled daughter and she desperately needs me to not be this pathietic mess that I am and I have another daughter and three beautiful grandchildren and I cheat them all, out of being my best self, and being there for them as I should. I have depression, which I’d probably have some anyway, because my life is tough being a caregiver, but the gambling takes it to a whole other nasty place. I’ve been traveling this road now for around 12 years and I’m so sick of it and it’s become worse as time goes on. I’m poor anyway but I make myself even poorer by gambling and yes even a big win doesn’t help. I usually play it back. I’m sure you all know the drill. So God gave me strength to take this step tonight before I start down this road again and if you pray, say a prayer for me.
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Welcome to GT! I can relate to a lot of what you have said in your post. I don’t online gamble. It’s the casino for me. I’m sure that you will get some advice about blockers from other people here. I think there is also a discount offered on this site. Put barriers in place. You have a lot on your plate. It is hard to be a caregiver even to the ones we love. Do you have any out for yourself besides gambling? Do you get any time for yourself? It does help to post here. There are also chat groups here. We all are in this together. Don’t gamble. Stay strong.
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