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This is my first post and i have been struggling for quite a while with gambling addiction – specifically in casinos since late 2014 – here is my story…
I have a competitive and very addicting personality as i’m sure most people on here do. I used to gamble simply for the entertainment portion of it but it changed as my habits and adrenaline rush needed changed. Late 2014 until around Nov 2015 I frequented a local casino quite often gaining friends and quickly becoming the life of the party – my first few months i won and won a lot and felt invincible and my wagers increased and quickly my need to get an adrenaline rush went up. I ran my winnings up to a number that few on here would believe me if i told them then gave it all back very quickly. In approx. Oct 2015 my wife caught me and i had to fess up. I told her i could control it and that i had been playing mostly with winnings and that i would be just fine. Within one a few week i was back at it this time being even more sneaky and the lies, guilt, and deception was eating at my but I only cared about my addiction and was extremely selfish and not thinking about my family, job, or anything else. It eventually got so bad that i went to our bank and pulled out a large sum of money knowing that my wife would eventually see it and not even caring what would happen. Well she eventually did and called me out for it and told me that i needed to get help and i agreed. So i called a local counseling organization that specialized in gambling addictions as well as others and setup a meeting – we also met with a good friend of ours who was a local pastor that recommended that we see a marriage counselor as well as my wife was devastated and all trust was gone. I agreed to both and over the course of the next 12 months got help both personally and as a couple and felt at peace and actually happy and free of guilt. Our marriage was actually even stronger than it ever had been and life was good. My counselor told me the that i had the ability to ban myself from all of the casinos in my state but i came up with every excuse i could not to do that (i wanted to leave the door open and talked my self not into doing that because what if i got better and wanted to go to the casino in 10 or 20 years, etc.)
Then about a year after my last bet I received some text messages from some of my gambling buddies in the past saying how much they missed and that it wasn’t the same etc. I thought i could just take a small amount of money and go there and have a few beers and catch up on old times because i hadn’t gambled in over a year and had this thing beat (or so i thought) After just about 30 minutes i was already thinking about when is the next time i could go there. The problem is that my wife was watching the bank accounts and i couldn’t use that bc i knew if she found out she could very possibly leave me. So, i conceived a plan to open a separate bank account and have a portion of my check routed to that when i had monthly bonus checks. This was actually easy to do but the day i opened that account i knew right then and there that what i was doing was very wrong and felt guilty and ashamed and the lies and deception to hide this secret life grew more and more. This continued throughout the year until about 3 months ago when things at work got more and more stressful and I used gambling as an excuse to blow off steam and began to go there 3 or 4 times a week and when i didn’t all i could think about was when could i go back. I knew this was the same feeling that i had the last time and felt shameful and depressed which caused me to drink more even when i wasn’t gambling. My wife would often ask me – when you drink it almost seems like your intention is to get absolutely wasted – I blamed it on the stress of work but it was actually the guilt of my hidden identity.
In this time i lost over 80K and i don’t really know why the light went off but after the last time i went i told myself that i need to quit this or i will lose everything including my job and family. So i called a friend of mine that night and asked him to go to the casino with me the next day because i wanted to ban myself. On the way there the next day we talked about everything and i told him i needed help and he said yes you do and you also have to tell your wife – the though of that scared me to death as i was convinced that she would leave me. I told him what if i tell her about the gambling but not for the last year or about the secret bank account so soften the blow. He encouraged me to tell her everything. I had tried 2-3 times this year to go to the gaming commission office located in the casino and ban myself for life but talked myself out of it each time. This time i went in with him and actually did it (yes lifetime ban which is not reversible) and left and on the way home called my counselor and left message for her to call me when she could.
When i spoke with her i told her what happened expecting her to bite my head off but she simply said you had a bump or relapse – now that doesn’t mean it is ok but we need to get together and help get you well. So i set an apt with her and the earliest she had was in 5 days – she also told me that i have to tell my wife everything not just part of it – i told her that if i told her everything that she would leave me for sure. So for 5 days i was in misery knowing that i was eventually going to tell my wife but i wanted to meet with my counselor first (delay tactic on my end) When i finally met with her I had already decided that i had to confess everything bc if i didn’t and she found out more i would be done for sure but more importantly i was tired of lying and the deception and just want to be at peace and happy again – i was willing to accept the consequences of my actions no matter what they were – She asked my why did i really not ban myself the last time but did this time and i told her that i think i wanted to leave the door open just in case i ever wanted to walk through it again. She said that even two years ago you were already preparing for a relapse even though you got better for a time. Well after that meeting i told her i was going to go straight to my wife and tell her everything – i was scared out of my mind and more nervous than i have ever been. I knew i was about the destroy the relationship with my very best friend and tear her apart – I was miserable. Well, i gathered the courage and told her everything and she didn’t say hardly a word she was just in shock and cried. That was Tuesday of this week and on Wed she started to talk a little but not much and told me she didn’t know what she was going to do – i asked her to go with me to meet with our pastor on Thurs and she agreed – we had a good meeting and he agreed to do counseling with us together, but told me that i need to continue my personal counseling as well as go to support meetings. He also encouraged my wife to get a counselor for her needs as well as she doesn’t know if she can ever trust me again. I have asked her repeatedly if we are going to make it through this and she just keeps saying i don’t know (which of course is painful)
Well that is where we are now and i am so glad that i did tell her everything as i do feel now like the veil of secrecy is no longer there – everything is in the open and there is nothing to hide. I am encourage that we are going to be able to get through this and i was researching online and found this website and forum so here i am.
I am going to get better and i am putting gambling in the past forever.
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Hi cubsfan
What an honest post .
I admire your honesty to your wife and your commitment to beating this horrible addiction.
You have closed the doors forever on those casinos and that is a great move forward.
I look forward to reading about how your life improves. -
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Hi cubsfan ,
Great post !
I guess all of us on here have been humbled by the addiction . There is theory that all of us suffer form a “big shot” mentality – so maybe that’s what leads us to gambling .
You are fortunate to have your wife supporting you -and it is great to read that this is a joint journey .
Remember you deserve this recovery .
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