[bonnie62]

ahhhh, On the 19th I will be my first 6 months free of casinos but it’s confusing and revealing.  I’ve been to this place of months free countless times and I want 

this time to be odaat different.  The last few weeks have been wrought with  urges because my body and brain are programmed.  My brain is wondering why, after 

so many months, I have not had a dose of the slot chemicals … my brain thinks it being deprived and I often feel sick from a kind of withdrawal.  I’ve received some 

in the chat rooms !  People are telling me that shifting to binge gambling is not uncommon.  ie. not going frequently but going out aand blowing it big time after month(s)

clean.  I’ve watched this cycle and I’ve been in recovery with resources for a long time , since 2013.  I reached out and am reaching out for support to make this time different.

I”m 57 and too many other changes are up in my life right now to fold into addictive patterns.  I could so easily sink beyond return.  So I’m afloat and I’m here.  b62

[TF]

Hi B62,
I’m struggling with my own mini crisis at the moment having fallen off the wagon about a year ago… I’ve managed to hide it under the radar pretty well but in the last month it escalated to a whole different level. This time last month, I had been £2500 up, lost it won it back, lost it again and that’s when the hooks get under your skin, trying to chase it back and now I’m a £1000 in debt. If I can’t help myself hopefully I can help others – don’t scratch the itch, don’t pull the loose thread to discover that it was exactly that which was keepyyhe clothes in your back, do you really want to go to that hell hole again? Stay strong, because unless you stay mindful, you’ll find it a whole lot harder to stop the next time

Best wishes

TF

[bonnie62]

I get the analogy about the loose thread. One thread can unravel an entire sweater if you start to pull.  Even if it does not completely ruin the entire sweater , it’s hard to fix once the unraveling starts and the sweater may loose an entire arm until I’m done pulling the thread.  I don’t even want a hole in the sweater , that’s why I came here.  It’s scarey and it’s worth it… gotta stay odaat and go to resources for help as needed instead of being complacent.  I know from the past that complacency equals danger a destruction/ eroding of the foundation.  It’ easy to write.  In the past I’ve written so much on other sites . I want to keep sharing but it’s the hard work that will pay off.  I really don’t know anything except that if it’s not odaat then I’m letting down my gaurds and considering the string pull as you said.  I like to walk in fresh aire but I really don’t remember a time when my ‘pie’ graph of life felt really balanced and complete.  I do want to balance my life : work/play, joy, fun/ community/ health//family and friends/ creativity etc.   b62

[Steev]

For a compulsive gambler – 6 months is quite a milestone and you must be pleased that you have made it.

You wrote: “My brain is wondering why, after so many months, I have not had a dose of the slot chemicals … my brain thinks it being deprived and I often feel sick from a kind of withdrawal.”

I think you need a chat with your brain – or at least write it a stiffly worded letter saying that you are more than just a brain, you are a wonderful being with a personality, body, spirit and creativity that you are not going to put at risk just for a few moments of adrenaline fix. Seriously, I hope you have reached the point where you can see that you don’t need the self-harm that gambling causes – you are worth more than that.

So at your 6 month anniversary, treat all parts of yourself – look into what you want to do with your new, non-gambling life, what are the first steps that you can take and tell your brain that you want it to get you to new places – not take you back to the old. I wish you well.

[velvet]

Hello Bonnie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[bonnie62]

Thx. steev, your  reply is sitting very well with me today.  🙂 I’ve wanted to treat myself on the 6 month anniversary.  I’ll be thinking about something that serves the body  , mind and spirit.  I am walking over the threashold into new territory… it could so easily shift in a moments notice to a purely addictive choice so I’m not celebrating until the exact day and after that day it’s only odaat …  I have to recommit to wanting more of a well rounded good life each day.  I’ve been sometimes just laying around and a bit depressed due to all the emotions and life issues I coped with in addictive ways.  Recovery  is necessary and valuable work.  b62

[bonnie62]

Here goes… I had 3 months clear of casinos and also 3 months prior to that. Anyway, I was using online resources and I could not log into a certain recovery site for days, also an online meeting was canceled and I really needed to touch based with someone about urges. Truth is, I could have found plenty of help. I think I was upset about relationship issues at that time and had not gone back to codependent’s anon for help. so there I was, having urges and emotional pain . I jumped into my care and drove to a far off casino ( I’m banned at all local ones). I had several hundred in my wallet ( bad move). I had my atm card ( another bad move). And in the course of a few hours I used the cash plus max. atm withdrawal. I was so much in the zone that I took out 2 cash advances for hundreds of dollars. I lost over 2 grand that day, the most I ever put in in one session. I have not been to a casino since then and I’ve been doing alot of work on my recovery and relationship(s) along with dealing with healing traumas of the past. I could have found a really deep bottom beyond my large loss but I just dusted myself off and dug in my heels . I had to take responsibility for my slip up and move on. Life has been challenging because as the days and months go by I am uncovering all the emotional baggage of my past which I tried to cover. Yes, I did heal and do some recovery work all throughout my life. But once the gambling set in it was dooms day. I’m happy to be here seeking support to continue. b62

[bonnie62]

At the height of this addiction I had about the same amount of money in the bank as I do today, but,  next to what I had lost it looked like nothing! It looked like nothing and it felt like nothing because I felt like nothing due the the shame. Today, at 6 months slot free , I see it as a blessing and I’m grateful. My spiral went down down down and it was a very very slow climb up to my modest savings. I also was not injured back then and I was younger but I was focused on the downward spiral and  I was in and fear/ flight or fight mode. I still have fears but I’ve pretty much stopped the downward spiral for a spell. I don’t have assets or even a job aat this point because I have a work injury but I have some hope, some time free of slots and a little savings.  I want to dig my heels in and say whoa! This is an awesome shift of perspective. Just for today odaat , I’m continuing on the journey of recovery and discovery, even at my age! I feel a little cold coming on. I have circumstances that call for lots of patience and challenge my sanity and sobriety but I’m taking a deep breath… I’m putting my palms together and saying thank GOd. b62

[bonnie62]

I thought that yesterday could yield a fanfare of delight for me at 6 months marker. It was not that kind of day. It did not feel like a celebration at all. What did happen are some synchronicities that prompted more depth. I now see how perfect yesterday was . Today is very ordinary. It’s a rainy colder inside kind of day and I feel lazy. I also am warding off the onset of a cold. Toast with more butter than I usually allow myself and raspberry jam is divine. Spring is now the marking point of greater resolve and new directions due to the sync. events of yesterday. Blessings in disguise ? Sometimes that is how our blessings are delivered making them a challenge to see and it’s up to us/me /you/I to be aware enough to see through the veil and breath in that blessing. Words. Feelings. Choices. b62

[kathryn]

I have reported the last post on your thread to admin as I feel it is Detrimental to recovery. Even those games (your money or not) keeps this addiction alive and that is not one bit helpful in my book. Anyway, I’m Kathryn and I’ve been hanging around this site for almost 11 years. Apart from a few slips I have managed to stay gamble free since joining GT. I am a self excluder, best thing I have ever done, between that and this site my life was saved. I was dying a very slow death. I lost my house many years ago due to my addiction. I know regret is not healthy but that is my biggest in my life so far (hopefully there won’t be any more!) there’s no chance of another. I’ve accepted that, but I don’t like it very much! Sounds like your 6 month day was a beautiful one, I’m in Australia and winter has hit us hard! Well done on your gamble free time, that is a great effort. It’s not easy that’s for sure. ODAAT is a great philosophy, I remember when I first stopped I was doing 30 minutes at a time at one stage, it was all I could cope with . My exclusion however has been my greatest barrier, the thought of being thrown out of a venue or tapped on the shoulder by management was more than enough for me! All of my slips have been because I didn’t exclude soon enough and it lapsed. So of course I’d just test myself out a little bit. Money wise it wasn’t a lot but the way I felt about myself, the shame and self loathing was terrible, and I’d exclude ASAP. Not sure when the last slip was to be honest, quite a few years ago now, but my exclusion has run out again and with covid the venue where they do it isn’t open as yet. So that’s my first job post covid. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, let you know you’re doing great, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
nLove K xx

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