[mmyy11]

[mmyy11]

Today i have joined as the gambling has taken over my life! I’m an ex resident of GM and was gamble free for a full year! Than i had a relapse and recovered for few months but i did manage to stay away for some times. but for the last 6 months i have gambled every time i have had any money! I just don’t know how to stop as the minute i get payed i don’t think but go straight to the bookies! I feel like i want to end my life as there is no point been around on this state!
I never thought it would be as hard as this!

[finding_laura]

I was 34 when i started gambling. It only took me gambling 5 years to completely change who I was and bring myself to the depths of despair and hell. This is a powerful addiction. I had almost 6 years gamble free but it still called me back. I got complacent or too busy for maintaining myself in recovery. I am back and more determined to live a gamble free life. Immerse yourself in recovery. Meetings, reading, posting, follow up counselling. It is hard but it is worth it in the end! I will not go down that road again! I hope you hang in there!

Laura

[mmyy11]

It is really encouraging to hear that. Thank you!
What i find very difficult is the first step as i am on this never ending circle of constantly thinking about my next gamble.

When i came out of GM i was really confident and had every barrier and technique not to gamble and i didn’t even think how to pick myself up in case i did relapse!

mmyy11

[Anonymous]

Both GM houses have an outreach worker who’s job it is to support ex-residents. There is an ex-residents meeting tomorrow at 2pm at the Beckenham one. There is also an ex-res only group on this site at 1pm wednesdays.

A lot of people come out of GM believing they don’t really need a relapse strategy, this, I think is because we all thought we’d learnt enough to live happily ever after. A fatal flaw I’m afraid. It may have changed since I left in 2010 but the last few weeks then were spent discussing coping techniques that we would use in high pressure/stressful or other trying situations.

Do you have any of the written work you done whilst there? If so reading it back might help you. You wouldn’t have been accepted into GM if you didn’t have a serious problem, that problem is now taking your life over again. You do not need to let it, you have a choice, and that choice is giving you the option to say “no”.

What support, if any, did you seek/use after GMA?

Does your family know that you’re back to gambling?

Mate, I’m not trying to be clever here, but I must point out to you that when you say that every time you got paid you didn’t think and went straight to the bookies, you’re lying to yourself.

You did think. You just didn’t think the right way, the way you should have learnt in GM. To get to the bookies requires thought, you thought about gambling. You didn’t think of the consequences. There’s no shame in that but because you’ve let the addiction back into your life you will become more and more powerless against it and your life will become more and more unmanageable because of it, you know this already I suppose, sometimes it helps for others to remind you I think.

So what to do now? Do you/did you go to GA, have you considered it.

Sorry if my post seems a bit harsh, I’ve screwed up myself several times since I left GMA, so I do know how shit you’re feeling with regards to gambling again.

Well done on coming here looking for support, people will help and support you, but at the end of the day only you can change you. The sooner the better.

Is it the FOBT’s you’ve been gambling on?

Just remember you gambled before GMA and look where you ended up man. No doubt in there you will have met people who ended up in serious trouble, homeless, prison, and worse places. If you keep doing the same things you’ll keep getting the same results.

I would suggest you talk face to face with somebody about this as soon as possible, even staff at GMA or the helpline for this site. And get barriers in place now before next payday, give your card to somebody, that sort of thing.

All the best.

Geordie.

[Anonymous]

Just reading this back and I think if you believe you were recovered then you havn’t really grasped recovery. When I say that I mean you don’t share the opinions of most of the CG’s on here. There’s no cure, so we can never be recovered. I know that GMA is a lot different to GA but the fundamental basics are the same. Honesty, acceptance, change. And recovery is a journey not a destination. That is why ongoing support is a must. At most GA meetings there will be somebody ten or even twenty years free of gambling…they still go to GA, why. Does that not make them a slave to recovery? Well I don’t think it does, it helps them continue to live in freedom..they are the ones who have to remind themselves of the evilness it was all them years ago to keep it real. Don’t forget how desperate you must have been to apply for GMA. Forget the big wins, look where they got you. For every big win I would have ten or twenty bigger losses. Why would you want another one?

[mmyy11]

Geordie

Thank you for your reply.

I have some of the work that i did at GMA and have read and do understand that i have ignored all the signs.after i finished i was very busy with work and life in general. I had to sort out a big mess that i had created over the years, and i did sort my life out beyond believe.

Yes Its FOBs that i gamble on. i cant gamble online as i have a block on my phone and i cant gamble in casinos.

I do understand what you say about been in recovery but when you have two jobs and other responsibility its not easy to attending GA meeting and keeping in touch with outreach team or ex-residents. I thought i had all the tools that i needed to survive but unfortunately i didn’t work hard to live a gamble free life.

The main problem now is that i keep thinking about gambling and pay-day. I have ripped my cards out and will arrange for money to be paid in someone else’s account but unfortunately the damage its done! all the hard work that my self and GMA has done its all diminished.

Thank you for you advice

[Anonymous]

You wouldn’t be on this site today if you hadn’t have been to GMA, well probably not.

Listen mate. doing two jobs but ignoring some ongoing support was a big mistake for you. You might just as well have been signing on.

I don’ know how much financial shite you’re in, its up to you if you want to share, but working two jobs to pay it off is a bad thing without the support I promise you, I know from my own personal experience. Just three months after I left GMA I was very very close to getting my sixth prison sentence, and for why? For pulling a massive fraud to gamble on my “lucky” numbers coming in. Hopefully they would so I could pay back the money I swindled and “get away ” with it. How f’in ludicrous is that, think about it..bloody utterly stupid.

I always get mixed emotions when #I look back at the actual gambling itself. Standing there either stuffing money in the machines or being hypnotised by the bloody roulette. Maybe up a fair bit one minute, not even enough for bus fare the next. I feel angry that I allowed myself to get sucked in again and can call myself all the stupid so’n’so’s under the sun. I feel sad that that was my life, nothing else mattered. I accept it was me back the, in the past, its not now, not today. I should hopefully feel the same tomorrow and once tomorrow becomes today I’ll know.

My own opinion is that you’re thinking about gambling and payday because you still want to gamble. In fact I’d go as far to say it’s blatantly obvious. (I’ve been there, I’m not cured, I’ve been right there and am comparing to how I felt, I expect it’s the same?). This is nothing I’ve learnt from a book, it’s something I’ve lived, and through living it I have learned.

You really have to lose that desire to gamble.

I doubt anything I say will really help you. You havn’t said much about your self. Are you young and at home with parents, or married, or live on your own. The more you’re prepared to share, the more benefit you will get, and probably will get you more support.

I can assure you all is not lost, you just can’t see it yet. And as long as that desire to gamble is there…you are at risk to yourself, you wont see it. As long as that desire is there the harder you’ll find it to make the right choice.

When I used to write about the fobt’s my first thought was always about having piles of money and loads of winning tickets. I’d remember my big wins. Automatically every time. That’s what I’d visualise. I don’t now though when I think about them now I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, if gambling ever crosses my mind I visualise myself physically punching or slapping my mother, daughter and grandson, or even worse,…because in effect that’s what I’m doing. Or rather that’s what it would be on par with if I were to ever go near one of them machines again. Another slap in the face for them all with each spin. No thanks, not today. It is so painful to visualise I must cognitively, or sub consciously, block gambling thoughts, so I don’t get them and I don’t therefore get urges. I have no desire to gamble anymore.

I think it was easier to remember the big wins because they were so few and far between, I’m on about the odd times you still have money left when the bookies close. At least you have a night off before going back again. You’d only borrowed it for the night.

So even if you think you can get lucky, you should acknowledge the fact you probably wouldn’t be able to walk away. I found it horrible winning in the first few spins, I had to be down at least half my money before I got any sort of sick thrill. Barking mad, pathetic, but yet I was not alone and people will always get sucked in. One person is too many they have thousands hooked on them now. You know its a computer, its programmed to pay out a certain amount therefore the winning numbers must be chosen by calculating the pay out. It cant be entirely random it must be programmed not to exceed the maximum payout, the only way it can do this is to calculate the payout on each individual number before the winning number is “randomly” chosen.

When I was new to this site I found out posting about my position helped me. Were you at Dudley or Beckenham?

You’re right mate, hindsight is a wonderful thing and I have plenty of it.

Lots of us here have had big wins, you probably have had some yourself. So what, look where its got you. You had a year off great man, really good. Shows you can do it. It will be easier now you only ever really commit to not gambling today. You done a year, so a day will be a doddle,

I think if you can get to some sort of group, if you’re serious about quitting, then it might help you. There is an open group tonight at 10pm. It might help you stop thinking about gambling. It hasn’t changed it will get you evertime, if you let it.

Bed time for me.

Take care.

[i-did-it]

Mmmy,

Geordie is right – u have to lose the desire.
How do you do that ?
You have to understand some things – you have to understand exactly WHY you are powerless and what that MEANS FOR YOU.
I finally got this understanding from reading a book based on the original AA programme . So let me try explain what I learned :
Firstly it is not your fault you are an addict – others can gamble and never develop this addiction. Why ? Because your body and your brain are different . Just like people with alcohol addiction process alcohol differently, our bodies / brains process gambling differently – this is not our fault – it is just the way we are – we couldn’t have prevented ourselves developing this addiction because we didn’t know our bodies are different . This is also why we can’t stop when we gamble . We will never be able to control it . People around us can try to blame us , but it simply is not our fault . Once you grasp that you cannot gamble like you used to in the early days and stop, nor can you gamble like people who aren’t addicted – once U fully grasp what that means – the awful urges stop .

This is what accepting you are powerless means .

You still need recovery tools, and fellowship , but knowing that u cannot stop and therefore cannot ever walk away with a win no matter how big- kinda takes the “big win” and other gambling fantasies away- we realise that that chasing for us is futile – well that’s what happened to me .

Hope this helps and Isn’t too waffle- like .

The book by the way is called “a program for you ” and is based on the AA big book.

[Author]

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