[i-did-it]

Actions to stop gambling

[Dark Energy]

i have tried it once, i have used a black marker to cover the 3 numbers permanently, but some how it was not perfect i were able to read them again.
my advice is no need for any card, just use the cash, and for withdrawal ( I am using mobile cash option, where you can withdraw money from the Bank’s ATM without card only by an authorization number sent to your mobile ) check this option in your country here it is available since 3 years back.

[Steev]

which I read recently is to buy gift cards for supermarkets when you reach payday – maybe one for each week. And then use these to get food and essentials with throughout the month. As these can’t be used for gambling or to get cash for gambling it is a good way of ensuring that you get fed and watered for the month. As to the bank card thing – the reason I suggested scratching off the digits was to prevent them being read again. I found carrying a lot of cash to be dangerous – but we are all different.

[vera]

Get rid of the smartphone and use the “brick” phone.
if I had a Smart phone, I would be in prison now.
Like carrying a loaded shot gun in your pocket when you gamble online.

[charles]

Well done IDI. Words and promises don’t stop us gambling, actions do and you are taking some important ones.

[i-did-it]

One more day to go before payday.
I have got by and thanks to a mini miracle I actually am having quite a good end to the month.
I feel the usual sense of relief. I know in a day and a bit my month’s wages will be in the bank.
My mind is doing its monthly spend on silver sparkly curtains, good quality grey paint and of course the savings towards the new kitchen. This is a monthly “mind-spend” which never materialises. The first day I buy nice groceries and even some clothes – by the end of the first week I am back to the usual struggle and unworn clothes are returned.

I have a telephone appointment to discuss the residential programme. Now that’s it is payday and I have survived, recovery has lost its urgency. Residential treatment doesn’t seem so necessary. I feel I can do it alone.

I guess I have a bad infection of stinkin’ thinkin’.

[Steev]

I know that this is your decision and yours alone – but you have been here so many times over the last few months – worrying about whether you will survive until pay day – how many more times do you want to do this?  And of course the big question is – what happens if you don’t survive?  I would at least have the discussion and you can make a final decision from there.  Of course I wish you well whatever happens.

[charles]

Have that telephone conversaion IDI. Here is a link that that you might find useful in making your decision.

https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/worth-read

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev and Charles for your posts .
I can’t stop thinking about gambling for a second- this is about as bad as it has been. I am resisting mostly but I never seem to lose the urge to gamble.

I’m not sure if residential treatment can provide a miracle but it would be a very welcome miracle.

I want to go back to the days when I could walk into a car show room , pick a car I liked and just buy it … or the days when something breaking down wasn’t a crisis or the days when I valued myself enough to ensure I was beautifully groomed and well dressed.
I don’t know who this scruffy person is.

Somewhere along the way i have lost me –

[Meghna83]

iDi

i didn’t realise it  could get that bad. Really hoping things get better for you 

i really relate to the feeling of losing yourself along the way. When I gambled I just couldn’t accept what I had done. I didn’t recognise myself in my actions and I felt so so small. It had knocked my confidence and self belief

thing have gotten better since I stopped. This can be the same for you 

[charles]

Hi IDI,

You are considering taking an important step in accessing treatment – your addiction is fighting back, that will be why the urgesn seems bad right now. That and of course it is progressive by naure anyway.

Residential treatment won’t provide a “miracle.” It gives people the tools they can use to lead a gamble free life. Then of course it is down to the individual to use those tools.

From a gambling point of view though – if you give GMA residential treatment a try then what have you to lose?

[i-did-it]

Thank you Charles
Tonight the prospect of residential seems to be having a placebo effect – I am having a night with much reduced and manageable urges . It’s good !

[kin]

All the baby steps effort will add up one day and you will realized that it has bring you very far. That day will come.

[jen3]

Thank you for your post IDI! Yes let’s keep on track this time. We can do it. We just have to stay ahead of our addiction. A friend of mine who struggles with a different addiction (all the same) and is in therapy everyday told me “it’s not our fault” even when we do not want to do something our brains tell us we do. Not sure how to fix that but as I mentioned try to stay ahead of it if that makes any sense.

[i-did-it]

thank you Kin and Jen.
I agree Jen – I think we should make this ournumber one priority – ahead of everything and everyone else in our lives -once we are on top of this addiction, we will do better in everything else.
The urges have subsided for me – the thoughts are still there but I am getting a rare break from “crazy”.
Keep strong – u are on day 3!

[i-did-it]

Today I put belfilter on my phone .
It seems to have improved from when I used it a year ago because I can now access this site. K9 is no longer available to download.

The placebo effect didn’t last long – I gambled last night .
Vera made a great statement when she said having a smart phone is like having a loaded gun in your pocket.

I will be going to the residential programme in September . It’s so stupid but I keep hoping that I will win the lottery before then. Some part of my mind doesn’t want me to stop gambling .
I have wasted another summer and a stupid amount of money and am feeling disappointed with myself.
I also am feeling pleased that I actually put this app on my phone . It’s cost about £100 a year but not having it costs about £15000 in that same year
That’s about it – onwards and upwards

[jen3]

Get right back up IDI! You can do this. If not for yourself than do it for your son. F the lotto! We could win all the money in the world and it would never be enough.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen.
It is almost 1am. I am in a bad routine of staying up all night watching tv/gambling and sleeping during the day. Tonight the usual urges came and of course I tried to gamble.
My new Betfilter held up and the urge passed.

It has given me there breathing space to realise here is a pattern – late at night I get urges – so perhaps I need to go to bed earlier .
Recently I have been wakening in the late morning and gambling my casino “cashback” until it runs out , which sometimes can take hours .
My life is passing me by watching wheels spin.

When I try to sleep I still see them spin. When I relax I see them spin.
That’s my life – little teddy bears spinning on a reel and I so want to watch them spin right now .

[jen3]

If you can just get some gamble free time behind you they will stop spinning. Their have been several times after going on gambling binges that I would see them damm wheels spinning in my sleep for days. (Even awake for that matter) IDI you are spiritual, maybe pray ask God to take and keep the urges alway. Ask him to change the desires of your heart. I know I do not have the best track record to give advice BUT I really am going to lean on him with everything I have in hopes that this is the time… gambling has done nothing for us. I am sure we do not even like it but our addicted brains tell us different.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
Thank you for your reply.
There is less spinning today !
I think knowing that I cannot gamble has reduced the urges.
The casino emailed to say they put a tenner into my account- this usually turns into several hundred pounds of deposits.

I self excused from this casino a number of times . I clicked on the reason (gambling problem) and it would appear that these accounts are reopened almost immediately . I have also emailed them to self ban.
This casino is not licensed in the U.K. so gambling commission won’t have much say.

I know I am dealing with completely rruthless crooks and yet I kept depositing . Who chooses to throw away money like that ?

Anyway I am onto day two (about an hour into it !) and already I am motivated to do some housework.

I am worrying about what to tell work when I need the time off to attend the residential . I can’t just ring in sick as there is substantial travel involved and I could be spotted !

That’s about it – back to the clean up

[jen3]

I hope you have/had a good day. I know the day is almost over in your part of the world.

[Monica1]

Can u not take annual leave? I hope u find the programme helpful. I certainly did even though I was sick for most of the first and missed the second thru work. But it helped me no end.
I will never forget those reels spinning for days in my head after a particularly long session. Awful!

[i-did-it]

Thanks Jen and Monica for your posts .
Monica, annual leave would be ideal but unfortunately I have to take my hols during set times so that’s not a possibility . This has held me back from applying for a number of years .

That’s the past – I am looking forward to the future .
Onwards and upwards

[jen3]

Can you take a medical or sick leave? Maybe just tell them the truth?? Sometimes I think I would be better off without a job. I blow everything I make anyways.

[Steev]

As I said in group – I think what you are doing is brave and brilliant and gambling is a health problem so you shouldn’t feel the need to take unpaid leave. So what would I do?

First I would talk to GMA about it, as I (would guess,) not be the first with this dilemma and they may know what others have done about it.
Second – I would get a copy of my employer’s sickness policy to see if there is any regs / instructions on this already. I might even contact my union to get their take on the matter (for a friend and confidentially of course.)
Third – check with my GP whether they would issue a sick note to cover, given my situation (this would mean coming clean with them though)
Fourth – if it came to it, I might ask for a confidential meeting with someone in HR (possibly taking my union rep) to discuss taking the time out without disclosing to my immediate boss – but by then I may have decided to take unpaid leave anyway as an easier option … BUT

Would you have to give a reason to apply for unpaid leave anyway? I know when I wanted to go to Brazil to get married and had used all my paid leave up, I had to go to a meeting and declare my reason for wanting the unpaid leave before it was given – especially as a small part of it was in term time. They did give it – provided I showed them the wedding pics (presumably as that was proof that I wasn’t just having an extra holiday!)
Anyways – not an easy decision. I hope you come up with what is right for you. Wishing you well.

[Monica1]

Ok, my take on this. I disclosed to my gp as it is confidential but it isn’t if you declare it at work. You are then out in the public domain and my view is that as a professional you have much to lose, so I would advise against it personally. On certification if same as in U.K. then it is 7 days before a sick note so too long to cover the residential. It is a dilemma and I can see why that may have put you off in the past. I agree with steev on talking to gma about it.

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think we are all agreed that honesty is not always the best policy. We live such a secret life when we gamble and face such judgement.

Despite my many faults , I feel a huge sense of duty towards my work and perhaps this is what has saved me from completely destroying my life. Of course this could also be something I gamble to escape.

I am onto day 3- this betfilter is helping so much. It gives me freedom that goes beyond counting days. Taking away the option to gamble has caused a huge reduction in urges .

That’s about it – feeling positive about the future.

[Steev]

Admitting I had a problem with gambling was not something I could do whilst I was still gambling.  It got easier to admit about it as a past problem – perhaps because I then could be seen as someone who was doing something about it.  From where you are now – I would not feel able to admit it to my bosses.

Although I think I could admit to something like stress – which is less specific and affects a lot of people in professional jobs.  Perhaps if you could get your doctor to sign you off for a couple of weeks with that – it would cover you and would not be that far from the truth – gambling is a sign of stress and is itself stressful.

Glad you are feeling positive.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev,
It really helps to read an inderstanding post .
Yes it is much easier to admit that in the past you had a problem rather than today I blew half my wages .
Someone who appears on a tv show and says he/she has been sober for a year gets huge applause , but someone who arrives for interview under the influence is slated and never allowed to forget it.
It is the same with gambling .

Every single person on this site , whatever stage their addciton is at – recovery, active , relapse, starting again – each one of us is trying to do our personal best to stop. It’s not easy but we keep trying and we will eventually pull down barriers to stopping .

This summer I have not visited my mother alone – I know she is disappointed and it has been a difficult choice to make, but I also know that she is a huge barrier to my stopping . She will gamble anyway and I can’t stop her but I find it incredibly difficult to say no to a trip to the casino when I visit – not because of her addiction but because of my own. I want to go and get my fix . It’s the only time I visit a land casino so by not visiting I don’t get tempted .

None of us choose this way to live and all of us deserve to better.

[i-did-it]

I am on day four .
Just starting but a little richer and less stressed just the same.

Yesterday I actually found myself doing a huge amount of decluttering with my son. We had such a laugh going through the stuff and so many funny memories resurfaced. I have a little more to go and then we are going to paint his room. Just a few days gamble free and my brain has space to think about other things .

I go away tonight for a short holiday (a very cheap holiday) with hubby and son. I am looking forward to being by the sea and having time to completely relax.

Life could be so good if I continue to be gamble free.

[Taz32]

Enjoy your holiday IDI, keep yourself busy with the family, there is always activities to do with your son during holidays. Stay strong.

[jen3]

I hope you are having a nice time away with your family IDI.

[Steev]

Hi Idi. Glad that the first session went well and that you felt held. I felt like writing “of course you matter.” It seems obvious to me. I know all about having a negative view of myself so I have empathy with you on that one.

I hope the future sessions will help you to move away from your old “gambling life” into a new life and you find the peace and stability that you hope for and so deserve. Go well.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev for your post – I actually deleted my post about the counsellor because I suddenly thought I might be breaching regulations or something.
I had my second session today – and it occurred to me that I didn’t make any jokes for a whole hour .
Usually when I am chatting my quick wit does all the talking -it’s a laugh a minute but towards the end of today’s session I realised that it is not really me who is talking – it is just that quick wit
Maybe it’s because I have to keep parts of me hidden – like my compulsion to gamble – or could it be that I don’t actually trust people very much. Someone once said to me “‘Everybody let’s you down in the end” and I could relate to that because i have always found it to be true .People build themselves up by putting others down.

This is turning into a terribly negative post.

So the good news is that urges to gamble have reduced so dramatically in the past week that I have been googling to find out why talking / counselling helps. Last week I did two all- nighters gambling. This week I gambled for a few hours and deposited very little .i also declined an offer from my mother to go to the casino (which is huge for me ) and I didn’t feel tortured. Instead I took her out for a lovely meal on another day. I also managed to fit in a family picnic this week.

Progress not perfection – life is getting better .

[vera]

Congrats on your second session, IDI and on saying no to a trip to the slots with your mam. That must have been difficult. I always gambled alone in casinos (hellholes) but lots of families seem to go on “slot outings”. On my most recent visit, I met a couple who go to every casino I ever visited. The guy latches on to me, telling me all his health issues and the wife watches my machine, passing comments on my losses .I feel like screaming “Leave me alone!” Talk about denial. All I want is “peace” when I’m gambling. What a joke!

[i-did-it]

Haha Vera
U n me should have been fellow gamblers – my mum is so sociable – and I hate the chit- chat.
I just want my machine , peace and no watchers !
I don’t want my family anywhere near me with their big loud
“how are you doing ?
“are ya winning?”
“How much have you lost ?”
“Is it playing bad?”
I never want to hear who got five sevens earlier on or who put a fortune in where .
I just want me , my machine, the private bliss of a prospective win or , the more often private shame of my huge loss –

And did u notice every Irish casino has a John (often with a wife Mary ) who go to a different casino every night and they are always creeps who watch for the machines which are due a win – in other words they watch for the machines which have caused most misery that day .. and of course one of them always has a “terrible” chest infection from too many ‘fags’ and coughs all over the machines.

Now remind me what will I missing by giving up gambling !

[jen3]

Hi IDI! Sorry I missed you in Chat the other day. Looked like you were logged in but than off. I think we kept missing each other. Like you ladies I would always wanted to be left alone in my own world yet always seemed to have someone lurking over my shoulder or sitting next to me cheering me on or checking in on me while I sat in the same darn chair for hours on end. The whole time wanting to say “get the f away from me” IDI you said it best when you said at times you would be relived when the money was gone and the chase was over. My last relapse I was able to somehow stop myself mid chase But that seldom happens . I do recall numerous occasions shoving my last few hundred in as fast as I could just saying “here take it so I can get the hell out of here”. No sense going home with a hundred or two to get me by, instead I will scramble even more when I get home. Uggg! The good ole days. NOT! I hate that I gave so much energy to so much stupidity. Oh well, hopefully those days are behind me. As you would say onward and upward!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen
Thank you for you post- it seems a lot of us have the same thought patterns.
I have had two Counseling sessions now and it has just occurred to me that my daily “bingo” battle has not happened for days. I don’t seem to have the same urges to gamble at all.
This feels so much better than the many hours I have wasted trying to get around the many barriers I set up.

While I don’t have the overwhelming urges to gamble I still think a lot about the big “windfall”. It is less likely to be a casino win but I still fantasise that money might come from somewhere. In truth if I could hold on to the money I earn I would have no need for any kind of windfall.

I hoped the residential would be life-changing but I can feel the changes already.

For too long I have used barriers as bandage to cover a wound which would not heal. I am ready to heal that wound.

[i-did-it]

Started clearing out the clutter in my home – found bag with decade old birthday cards and gifts. That bag represents how long I have been in a gambling bubble.

Today I got worried that the bailiffs might call- not sure where the thought came from but as there is nothing of value in house it occurs to me that it might help with the de-cluttering! Lol. Really though I guess it’s a reminder that have to start taking action to sort out my ignored finances and start opening that stash of letters I couldn’t face.

The thoughts of gambling are still there, the thoughts of a big windfall are still there but the inclination to actually gamble seems to be absent. I am feeling positive .

[jen3]

IDI! Forget about “ the windfall!” I believe the windfall will only come after we stop gambling. It might not be in the form of money and materialistic things. It might be peace, joy , true happiness etc. The rewards of not torturing ourselves.

[i-did-it]

Never a truer word was spoken Jen .
I like how you give new meaning to the word windfall.
It makes me realise that every day I wake up to a healthy family and a roof over our heads I have my windfall right here.

[i-did-it]

Another gamble free day had passed.
I am doing well except for one thing – I told my spouse a little about the addiction and as I already knew, it has been a huge mistake. I should Have continued to ignore the appalling advice I was given about honesty. You don’t give ammunition to an abusive person ! However, recovery is happening -and with it change will happen. I don’t have my gambling escape but I have a clearer mind, a child almost grown and freedom almost within reach!
Life is going to get so much better !!

[kathryn]

Keep working on you.
Don’t let anyone bring you down.
I think (my opinion only) that we are seen as weak by others who do not understand.
What they don’t know, is the strength we need to fight this addiction is something they will never possess.
And we are STRONG!
One of my favourite little sayings is….
Life is tough my darling
But so are you.
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn
Sound advice ! I am tough and you know life could be a lot tougher .

I bought new sandals yesterday – I feel so nice today. I bought them in a “good” shop but they were on sale.
They are so much nicer than my usual cheapie shop buys and they are comfortable. Little things can lift us so much and yes I look well !

I think I am nearly two weeks gamble free – not trying to deceive anyone but I actually can never keep track – my last fling with gambling was two all nighters which left my brain barely functioning – one session I gambled for 16 hour non-stop.

I feel changed – I feel opening up to my counsellor as somehow taken the power gambling has had over me. Vera often said on here “we are only as sick as our secrets” which to be honest I often found annoying (sorry Vera xx) because I didn’t believe there was a connection.

It’s not the secrecy in itself that is the issue, it’s the burden of carrying it all inside of us that drags us down.

Hope everyone is having a great gamble free day and if not brush yourself down and start right now!.

[jen3]

Keep moving in the right direction IDI. You are doing Great!! Gambling has nothing to offer but pain, shame & misery. I am excited to see what life brings without it.. We can do this. No one can stop us but us!

[kin]

Hi I did it,

It was great to meet you in the group meeting and thank you for asking me an honest question, I appreciate it very much.

What does recovery means to me? This question made me reflect on the reason why I do it.

I thought about all the benefits and advantages it has given to my life right now.

[Taz32]

Hi IDI, thanks for your message on my thread. Sorry to hear about your re-lapse and not getting support from your partner. It’s hard but you have a strong character which enables you to fight this epidemic on your own. Counselling is important but end of the day its your own will power and strength which will keep you GF. Be strong and patient everything will be back to normal as long as you are GF.
Best wishes for you.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Taz and Kin for posting me – your replies are much appreciated
.
Today is payday – and yes the thought of gambling has crossed my mind but has been followed immediately by I am not going to risk getting stuck in the cycle again.

I love the payday feeling – I love having money in the bank. It doesn’t give me the high gambling gives but it gives me an overall sense of well-being.
I am happy today !

[jen3]

We feel so much better when we don’t risk what we work for. Just think… no gambling hangover. That in itself should keep us away.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen
I am still gamble free although it has crossed my mind . I went out after work yesterday for lunch and drinks which was so nice . I wore my new (cheap) clothes!
I had a friend stay for two nights which was nice if somewhat exhausting . I need to continue to open my home up to others .

I have new contact lens which allow me see both near and far. They are taking quite a while to get used to so please excuse mistakes . I haven’t bought myself contact lens in so long . I made do with the cheapest glasses I could find.

It’s nice to have money in the bank- usually a day after payday I would be chasing my losses . This is a better way to live .

[amg077]

This is great!

One of the best thing about stop gambling is that we can retake our life and continue with it

[Steev]

Just wanting to wish you all the best for your residential next week. I think this is coming at the right time for you – as I think you are very close to stopping completely. I can tell you have had enough – and the battle you are going through feels like the gambling is having its last pull on you because it knows you are going to get it out of your psyche.
Have a good trip and keep strong.

[amg077]

I hope you continue your recovery in this relapse you had. It is possible.

[lizbeth4]

I was reading one of your previous posts. I am more honest with others now instead of taking bad behavior from others as I did in the past. A lot of things happen mentally when you stop gambling. Maybe I thought that I wasn’t worthy of being treated properly because of my gambling.
I hope you have continued GAMBLING free time. You are worth it!!

[Author]

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